The Case of the Spotted Underwear


If someone had told me that I would one day be cast in a show, where my character had to strip down to just my underwear and go through a medical examination on stage…I would have said, “You’re out of your FRIGGIN’ mind!”

Aaaah…the things we say we would NEVER do!

Now it’s bad enough to have to do this in real life in an actual doctors office, but to have to do it in front of 250 audience members and feel all 500 eyes STARING at your “mid-section”…is like having one of those dreams, where you go to school and find that you don’t have any pants on.

So after getting over the initial awkwardness of stripping in rehearsals, my other concerns were: what TYPE of underwear would I be wearing on stage? And what COLOR?

The director and I decided on a pair of Calvin Klein jockey briefs, because they would hold my “jewels” in nicely, and also because I wouldn’t be caught DEAD in a pair of BOXERS!!!

Anyway…we decided on a gray color, because white would get dirty fast, and black would only make me look like a PORN STAR.

So GRAY it was.

Normally the theater provides all the costumes, but since we were talking about my UNDERWEAR, I wanted to buy them myself.

I purchased 2 pairs.

But what I failed to realize, is that the color gray would show obvious “water spots” after you take a wee-wee.

I found this out one night, when right before I had to go onstage, I needed to take a leak. And after I finished, and was pulling up my jeans, I saw this HUGE water spot that had been left on my underwear.

Suddenly, I heard the stage manager call, “Places, actors!”

So I quickly grabbed someone’s hair dryer and proceeded to give myself a blow job.

I was FREAKING OUT…screaming, “WAIT! WAIT! hold the curtain…I have a WET SPOT on my underwear and I’m drying the DAMN thing!”

During intermission, I had to pee again. So after I finished, I cleverly took a BIG wad of toilet paper and tucked it into the front of my jockeys to prevent any further watermarks. Then right before I had to go back onstage, I ran into the restroom and removed it.

I did this every single night, for the remainder of the show.

It became something that I did habitually.

However…on the night that ALL the people from my job came to see a performance, I must have been very nervous, because I totally forgot to take the toilet paper out of my underwear before I went onstage for the medical examination scene, so when I stripped down…it must have looked like I was hung like a BULL MOOSE.

And I never realized this until intermission, when I had to use the restroom.

I actually didn‘t give it much thought.

However, the next day at work…one of the ladies came up to me and said, “Ron, I need to tell you something.”

I said, “Yes?”

She said, “Jesus Christ, last night when you stripped down to your underwear in the play, Cathy, Connie, and I all looked at one another and said…DAMN…for a little guy, he really packs a BIG one!”

(blink-blink)

I suddenly remembered the PADDING that I had left in my undies and casually said, “Oh well, you know what they say….good things come in small packages!”




31 comments

  1. LOL! you just made my morning :) thanks Ron :)

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  2. O
    M
    G
    !!

    <-- choking on her coffee

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  3. Ya coulda warned me.......LOL

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  4. BWAAAHAHAHAHA! I'm laughing too hard to make a witty comment!

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  5. oh
    man
    Now that is some QUICK wit!
    he he he
    Love IT!

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  6. Morning Christina!

    So nice seeing ya!

    How are ya?

    tee, hee!

    So glad you had a giggle!

    Thanks for enjoying and thanks for stopping by!

    Happy Wednesday!

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  7. Morning Mel!

    tee, hee...

    ...sorry!?!?!?

    WARNING: this post recommends no liguids while reading.

    HAHAHAHHA!

    Thanks for dropping by, dear lady!

    ALWAYS fun!

    P.S. and please tell STUDley...I KNOW how he feels!

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  8. Morning Lady Nitebyrd!

    SEE!!!

    That's how I felt when I read YOUR last post!!!

    That was BRILLIANT, my dear!

    (I'm STILL laughing!)

    Thanks for stopping by, TWIN SISTER!

    Enjoy your day!!

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  9. Morning Lady Sorrow!

    And do you know what's really horrible?

    I NEVER told them the TRUTH!

    I'm so WICKED!

    tee...hee..hee!

    Thanks for dropping by today, Sorrow!

    Have a WONDERFUL Wednesday!

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  10. OMGG what are you like??? That was so funny Ron. :)

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  11. Afternoon Akelamalu!

    I'm a CRAZY person!

    HAHAHAHHAHA!

    Thanks for dropping by today, dear lady!

    Have a GRAND Wednesday!

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  12. OMG.... I just wet my pants just READING that!! SOOOOOOOOO FREAKIN' HILARIOUS RON!!!! You must must must write a book-short stories, memoires, what ever... Just write the book... I'll buy it AND promote it on my blog... You've got a great way of making people bust up!!!!!! Leesa

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  13. You know what would've prevented spots from being seen? LEOPARD print undies!! Come on, admit it, you sexy thing...you probably even have a thong (or two) in leopard print. Or...maybe tiger? Oh, I got it! SNAKE! Snake print g-string!
    You Chippendale you! (wink!)

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  14. Good Evening Leesa!

    Listen....try a WAD of toilet paper...it works WONDERS for WET spots!

    HAHAHAHAHHA!!

    Thanks, dear friend!

    You're very kind.

    You've given me something to ponder. Lulu.com has a wonderful set up where you can write an EBOOK for FREE, and they only take a percentage if you sell any.

    It seems very easy too!

    I'll definitely let you know when I do it!

    Thanks a bunch for stopping by today, Leesa!

    I hope you had a GREAT Wednesday!

    It's getting VERY COLD here, so I was out this afternoon, enjoying it!

    Clear skies, and brisk wind!

    YAHOO!

    Enjoy your evening!

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  15. OMG...Debi!!!

    You've discovered my dark SECRET!!

    I'm a stripper!

    (I strip wood for a construction company!)

    HAHAHAHAHA!

    Hey...now why didn't I think of that???

    LEOPARD print would have DEFINITELY been an excellent cover up!!!!

    Oh, well...maybe in my next production, if I have to strip, I'll try that!

    I know you make Doggie Sweaters...have you ever considered underwear??

    Let me know, ok?

    Thanks oddles for stopping by today, you wild woman you!

    Hope you had an AWESOME Wednesday!

    Later!

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  16. oh and speaking of SNAKE, I'll leave you with this little gem of a classic.
    Remember Sir Mix-a-Lot?
    my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun! (now try getting that song out of your head!
    To the beanpole dames in the magazines you ain't it miss thing
    baby got back

    and no, the little girl pants I've been wanting to try to make but never got around to, bikinis too! You know-knit or crochet ones. Wouldn't that be sexay! LOL :D

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  17. LMFAO!!!!! 'You gave yourself a blowjob!'

    *wipes tears*

    Toooo funny Ronnie!!!

    I just about gave birth at this post it was so freaking hilarious!! xx

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  18. Aloha Debi!

    DAMN YOU WOMAN!!!

    Now I'll be singing that in my SLEEP!

    oooh...oooh...a CROCHET BIKINI!!

    I'll take TWO please!

    *any color but...GRAY!!!

    HAHAHAHAHA!

    Later, missy!

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  19. Helloooooo Dear Giggles!

    tee, hee!

    Yea...and it was the QUICKEST and HOTTEST blow job I've ever gotten!

    HAHAHAHAHA!

    Aren't I wicked?

    GOD LOVE YA WOMAN!!!

    Thanks for stopping by, dear one!

    I SO LOVE chatting with you!

    Have a wonderful day!

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  20. Oh my gawd Becky...look at her butt.

    Even white boys got to shout

    LOL

    If I make an animal print anything, you will be my inspiration. ROWRRRRR! ;)

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  21. I think this was one of your funniest stories from The Life of Ron!

    I think it is best you didn't tell them the truth. Why take that image away from them..they are probably still fantasizing about it! hee, hee

    Thanks for my morning coffee with Ron, laugh!

    LY!

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  22. Morning Debi!

    Have a ROWRRRR'ING DAY!

    Konichiwa!

    *that's good evening in Japan!

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  23. Good Morning Dear Gypsy-Heart!

    *excuse me while I first take a sip of my coffee.....

    ...aaah...there!

    Actually, I AM having my coffee right now!!!

    Isn't that funny?

    Yes, that's what I thought too...I mean, why tell them the TRUTH...when LYING would be so much BETTER, ya know??

    PLUS....they'll always think of me whenever they go to TIFFANY'S!!

    HAHAHHAHA!

    Thanks for stopping by my wonderful friend.

    I SO enjoy our morning coffee's!

    Have a GRANDE' Day!

    LY!

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  24. Ron this is hilarious (reading it after the fact of course)! But I bet you handled it with grace -- Wish I saw the "warning - no liquids while reading this post" (as I try to get the coffee out of my keyboard here!)

    WAH!

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  25. Good Morning Sibyllae!

    Hellooooooo to you!!!!!

    ooops!

    Sorry about the keyboard!?!?

    Actually, that just happened to me while I was reading someone else's blog the other night...and SPEWED my red wine!

    Shiraz in the keyboard is a bitch!

    tee, hee!

    Thanks a bunch for dropping by today, Sibyllae!

    It's ALWAYS a wonderful TREAT!

    Enjoy your day, dear lady!

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  26. Actually dahling, you got it backwards. Konnichiwa is good day.
    (you're thinking konbanwa)

    Ja, mata ato de! :)

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  27. Hiya Debi!

    Thank you...you're RIGHT!!!!

    I totally forgot what "little" Japanese I learned!?!?!!?

    So.....Konbanwa!

    Siya Nara!

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  28. I'm new to your blog and had to read this one on underwear as it reminded me of how my memoir starts. Very, very funny. I shall keep reading.

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  29. Greetings Gutsy Writer!

    Welcome!

    Thanks so much for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment.

    Nice meeting you!

    OMG...how FUNNY!

    Your Memoir???

    Let me know when you finish, because I'd love to read it!

    Please stop by anytime!

    The door is always open!

    Enjoy your evening!

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  30. Your blog is starting to be part of my morning coffee. I laugh and enjoy reading your blog. Starts me day right off. Thanks

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  31. Hello Tried Everything!

    aaawww shucks! Thank you!

    And thank YOU for stopping by!

    Have an awesome weekend!

    X

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