Why I Don't Like Fruit Cake


Tuesday, while I was grocery shopping, I walked by the bakery area to take a peek at all the delectable holiday dessert goodies.

Boy…and you should have HEARD me…

I was actually verbalizing all my mouthwatering “ooohs” and “aaahs” as if I was experiencing some type of erotic stimulation.

That is…until my eyes fell upon the FRUIT CAKE.

And then suddenly my smile turned upside down…and I wanted to GAG.

I was immediately transported back to a Thanksgiving Day in my childhood, when I must have had the flu or something, because I remembered eating a piece of fruit cake…and then spontaneously throwing it up.

You’ve no idea how delightful it feels to have a cornucopia of fruit bits, come propelling out of your nostrils.

(it was truly one of those special Thanksgiving Day Kodak moments…)

And the funny thing about this, is that I’ve never been particularly fond of fruit cake to begin with.

I find it very scary.

It feels like I’m eating a piece of dry Styrofoam, that’s had chewy pieces of dried-up fruit hammered into it.

I mean does anyone know this for sure, but is fruit cake purposely designed to be eaten STALE?

And if it is….

…WHY does it usually come in an airtight tin can? I think it would almost be better if fruit cake was just left out on the bakery shelf without any wrapping on it at all. Perhaps the air would soften it up a bit.

To me, fruit cake is like an oral sensory-overload. Between the foreign texture, and all the conflicting fruit flavors…there‘s just too much going on for me to handle.

My wicked grandmother, who I wrote a post about during the summer, would ALWAYS have a fruit cake sitting in her kitchen during the holidays.

(which I think is ironic, because I would have described her as a TOTAL fruit cake)

I think fruit cake should be reserved for the perfect holiday gift that you could give to someone, who you never want to see again.

Between the memory of upchucking fruit cake on that particular Thanksgiving Day, and the memory of my sweet, evil grandmother…

…fruit cake is one of those things that I no more desire…than I would a hairy wart on the tip of my nose.

So, BE GONE…fruit cake!




Have a great weekend, everyone!




Note: Since today is the busiest day in retail history, I will be working longer hours. So I’ll be responding to your wonderful comments later this evening. Thank you so much for your patience. I hope you had an awesome Thanksgiving Day…and didn’t eat any fruit cake.

32 comments

  1. Do you mean...
    REGIFTING?????!!!!!
    LOL. Here those are chocolate covered macadamia nuts.
    Only tourists love them LOL. You see them in Longs and ABC stores buying HUGE shopping bags full of them.
    What I think it means when you're local and get a box of those from another local is that someone either forgot to buy you a present, OR was too cheap to buy you a real present, OR spent all their money on themselves or people higher up on the gift list than you, OR had this spare one either they bought on sale at Longs with the intention of it being a "spare" gift, or it was R-E-G-I-F-T-E-D from someone else.
    Years ago I was seeing a guy who had an ex-wife and a kid.
    (Good times. NOT!!)
    I guess the kid told the mother that they HAD to get me something. So what do I get? A box of chocolate covered macadamia nuts. I interpreted it as a "GET FAT, BITCH!!!" gift. ROTFLMFAO

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  2. OMG!!!!!!!!!!! RONNNNNN.... You outdid yourself on this one... Primarily because I could relate sooo well... My EXACT sentiments on the "dreaded" fruitcake - up there in my book with gifilte fish or however you spell that...
    Why oh why? Fruitcake.. ahh... we used to get one of those every year at Christmas time from a great aunt or someone like that on the east coast... From Philly... in fact!!! HAH!!!!! I was a little girl then.. and I always wondered WHAT the heck is THAT?!! Fruitcake, my mom would say... Dry... filled with gross dried fruits.. YUCCK!!!! Why, oh why.... Plus, I think it stays fresh (huh?) for the year....??? WTF?!!! It's as hard as a rock...
    Then, one year... the fruitcake got better... I remember that it wasn't AS bad.. It was soft instead of rock solid.. and even the candied fruits weren't as gross... or maybe they were... Anyhow.. the whole idea of fruitcake is sick.... Thanks for your post.. Happy "day after" to you.. Have a wonderful weekend filled with lots of leftovers!!
    Take care Ron...
    Leesa

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  3. Everytime i now see a fruit cake i will think of you!!

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  4. Fruitcake doesn't have an expiration date.

    What's THAT tell ya....

    <-- won't touch it

    <-- has some sense of what's BAD for her even if she doesn't know what's good for her

    Just sayin'....

    *gak*

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  5. Oh, and I do hope you had a good day of Black Friday.

    I enjoyed it.....from my couch, thanksmuchly.

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  6. Fruit cake is one of those things (I hate to call it food) that you don't even need a bad memory to want to keep away from it. However, I think I'll pick one up this year - I know exactly who I want to give it to.

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  7. Bonjour Ron,
    Oh young poor thing; having that happen would freak anyone out for life !
    I personally do not miss this dessert after all my years overseas...
    It is heavy and it is as you said, really an overload ! I like lighter desserts.
    Heck; give me a few sugar cookies or gingerbread men and I'm a happy czmper !

    Do you like pumpkin pie? I hardly ever make it anymore, but this year I did... feeling nostalgic I guess.
    I gave some to my French family yesterday & they loved it !
    xxxxx

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  8. Happy Holidays, of course without the Fruit Cake.

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  9. Who wants to eat a paper weight anyway?

    Seriously, have you ever seen fruitcake get moldy? Of course not... it's not real food.

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  10. For me, it was wedding cookies. You know those little rich cookies coated with white powder. Whenever they were served I was only allowed one or two. Somehow what I thought was a wonderful opportunity I could eat as many as I wanted. Of course, I afterward I learned WHY my parents only allowed one or two! :O
    To this day I cannot eat them.

    Thanks for sharing your story..and for making us laugh!

    I hope your Black Friday experience is a pleasant one!!!

    Love Ya!

    Ps Please don't hate me..I confess I do like a good fruit cake! Notice I said good..not one you have to cut with a chain saw!

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  11. Oh I love fruit cake, though I don't eat it very often, usually only at Christmas. :)

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  12. OMG Debi!

    THAT'S THE PERFECT WORD!!!

    REGIFTING!!!!

    And everything you just shared about WHY someone gets gifts like this is SOOOOOOO TRUE!!!

    My mother calls them EMERGENCY GIFTS!!!

    oooh...oooh...but I've got to tell you...I LOVE macadamia nuts!!! And I LOVE chocolate! So DAMN...that would actually be a great REGIFTING gift for me!!!

    However, I can TOTALLY understand WHY they would not be on your top ten list, being from Hawaii. That's like someone here in Philly, getting a coupon book for CHEESE STEAK SANDWICHES!!!

    HAHAHAHA!

    Thanks a bunch for sharing on this post, Deb!

    That was GREAT!!!!!

    Have a wonderful weekend!!

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  13. Bonjour Leesa!

    HOLY COW!!! I'm laughing my ass off about your mention of "gifilte fish!!!!"

    That's SO damn funny!

    And you're right, Leesa...fruit cake HAS changed a bit since the early days. It looks as though it's gotten much more moist. They probably had to do that, because everyone was CHOKING on the it!!!

    But there's still that awful Thanksgiving Day memory in my brain, that keeps me away from it!

    Even the thought of it NOW...makes me GRINGE!

    I think it's the candied fruit that makes me feel ill!!

    YUCK!

    Anyway, my friend...I'm so glad you can relate to this.

    And I'm SURE fruit cake is NOT on your baking menu!

    Thanks for dropping by today, Leesa!

    Always a wonderful treat!

    Enjoy your weekend, dear lady!

    And have fun picking up your cute little hedgehog tomorrow!!! Can't wait to see him/her!

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  14. GREETINGS CASDOK!!

    It's SOOOO great seeing you!!!!

    What a wonderful TREAT!!!

    Hey...I don't know whether you celebrate Thanksgiving Day, but if your do...I hope you and C had a special one! And even if you don't celebrate it....

    HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU ANYWAY!

    Because I'm VERY grateful to have met you!

    Hope all is well for you and C.

    Thanks a lot for stopping by today, Casdok!

    Always a pleasure!

    P.S. and stay away from the fruit cake! tee, hee!

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  15. GOOD GIRL MEL!

    You've got some good sense!

    So keep following it...and NEVER try fruit cake!

    And you know something?

    You're right...anything that doesn't have an expiration date...means there's something wrong with it to begin with!!!

    HAHAHAHA!

    That's great, Mel...I've never even took notice of that!!!

    As always, funny lady...thank you SO MUCH for stopping by today!

    Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving Day with the family!

    Enjoy your weekend!

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  16. Hello again Mel!

    YES...today wasn't as stressful as I thought it would be.

    The day actually went very well.

    The customers were all very patient and nice!

    (but trust me....it get's WORSE!)

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Now it's time for a hot bath and dinner!

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  17. Hi Deranged Princess!

    Your comment made me really laugh, because I could actually hear my own sentiments about fruit cake in your voice!!!

    That was GREAT!!!!!

    It's true...you don't have to have a bad memory to dislike it!

    I think someone can just look at it and tell!!

    YUCKY-YUCK!

    Hey...I hope you had an wonderful Thanksgiving Day!!!

    Thanks for stopping by, DP!

    ALWAYS nice seeing ya!

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  18. Bonjour Barbara!

    Yes...me too!

    I tend to like lighter desserts!

    OMG...and you said the MAGIC word!

    PUMPKIN PIE!!!!!

    Barb...it's my FAVORITE pie of all time!!

    Once I start eating it, I can't stop!

    In fact, this year I bought some pumpkin butter and made my own little desserts!

    And they were SOOOO yummy!

    I had such wondeful day yesterday. It was quiet and relaxing. I took a long walk down at Society Hill and really enjoyed myself. It was VERY cold, so when I got home...I took a nice hot bath before eating dinner!

    It was a perfect day!

    Thanks for stopping by, Barb!

    Enjoy your weekend, dear lady!

    XXXXXXX

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  19. Greetings Shyloh!

    What a WONDERFUL surprise!!!

    It's so nice seeing ya, my friend!

    And HAPPY THANKSGIVING DAY to you too!

    Hope you had blessed one!

    And yes....without the fruit cake!!!

    Tee, hee!

    Thanks so much for dropping by!

    Enjoy your weekend!

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  20. Good Evening Dear Gypsy-Heart!

    OMG...I SOOO remember those cookies you're talking about!!!

    And my family (being Italian) always had a plethora of those damn things, not only at weddings...but EVERY SINGLE holiday!

    (another wonderful memory of the Wicked Witch of the West)

    HAHAHAHAHA!

    Hey, listen...you're not the only person I know who enjoys fruit cake. And as Leesa shared in her comment...fruit cake has really changed over the years.

    So if you enjoy it...I think that's GREAT!!!

    That's why there's different desserts for different folks!

    Yes...I actually had a very enjoyable Black Friday. The day went by very fast too!

    Thanks oddles for stopping by, my Florida friend!

    Hope you had a stupendous Thanksgiving Day!!!!

    Love ya!

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  21. Hi ronnie babe. You rock. You always pick fab subjects to post about.

    Funny...hey wasn't it monks that first made fruitcakes. I think so. Anyway...that is enough to get a monopoly...PASS GO and go straight to hell.

    I mean look at all the suffering it has caused. i don't know how many I've up-chucked because some auntie wanted me to take a BIG bite of her home made fruitcake. I mean what happened to making Christmas cookies. I tried to nibble at it...but she insisted...take a BIG bite.

    There...that's better. I of course had to excuse my self with a mumble.

    Oh honey...spiky dear, don't worry...I'm sending home a loaf with your mother...just for you.

    I'm sure my face turned a shade greener.

    Ronnie isn't that considered child cruelty. Why my stomack makes a flip everytime someone opens a tin and the aroma of fruit cake fills the air.

    I run from it like Supergirl runs from Kryptonite. Um...just talking about it make me feel weezy.

    um...I think I need the trash can a little closer.

    Ciao sweetie...

    PS...Hey...ronnie, maybe they should substitute gummy bears for the fruit. :D

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  22. Good Evening Akelamalu!

    Hey...that's GREAT!

    Like I shared with Gypsy-Heart...

    ...I know of many people who enjoy fruit cake!!

    It must be like wine.

    It's an aquired taste!

    I know of many people who can't stand wine, but then there are those like myself, who LOVES it!

    Yes, and it's pretty much the same here in the States. Fruit cake is usually eaten during Thanksgiving and Christmas!

    Thanks for stopping by today, dear friend!

    Always enjoyed!!!

    Have a great weekend!

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  23. OMG Anndi!!!!

    THAT WAS HYSTERICAL!!!!

    "Of course not... it's not real food."

    HAHAHAHAHA!

    Spoken like a TRUE Libra!

    Oh hell, I don't know....there are MANY people who DO enjoy fruit cake...so I quess it's just that different people, taste different things.

    I mean, I LOVE Twizzlers...and I know that a lot of people think I'm nuts!

    Thanks SO MUCH for stopping by and adding your wonderful WIT to this post, dear twin.

    I LOVE having you here!

    Enjoy your weekend!

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  24. HOLY SHIT Miss Jones/Supergirl!!!!

    I'm DYING here!!!!!!

    "Anyway...that is enough to get a monopoly...PASS GO and go straight to hell."

    THAT'S FRIGGIN' BRILLIANT!!!

    I'm STILL LAUGHING!!!

    Maybe it's because you and I grew up Italian or something?!?!?

    But what the HELL was it with our aunts and grandmothers ALWAYS forcing the issue of FRUIT CAKE???

    I mean...it was like some ITALIAN "suppose-to-do."

    Hey...but I LOVE your idea about substituting GUMMY BEARS!!!

    HONESTLY!!

    See...now, gummy bears I could handle, because I actually like them, but this crystallized fruit crap is enough to make me GAG!!

    Oh, well...maybe fruit cake tastes better with a glass Pinot Noir!?!?

    NOT!

    Anyway, my dear friend...I can't thank you enough for sharing your brilliant humor on this post!!!

    God...that was GREAT!

    Have a wonderful weekend!

    And ciao bella!

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  25. wow ron, you beat me here even with the loooooong, killing day of shopping....yikes....not going there....

    you outdid yourself with the fruitcake post, you fruitcake knockoff you :) I answered your questions on my blog but in short, yes!

    I'm with you with the hot baths and bette! I hate turkey anyway but do I love that pumpkin pie...I ate it til I was sick, really!! geez, I could have a piece right now but won't...well....

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  26. Hey-Ho Linda!

    OMG...I can't believe you actually went SHOPPING today!!!

    If I wasn't in retail, I'd be too chicken-shit to go near ANY store!

    But, honestly...it wasn't that bad today. It really went smoothly, but I'm so glad this intial shopping holiday is over.

    Anyway...thanks for answering my question on your blog!! I LOVED the poem...it was wonderful, as was the whole post!

    oooh...and did you say PUMPKIN PIE????

    If you read my response to Barbara...you'll know my PASSION for pumpkin pie!

    ORGASMIC!

    tee, hee!

    Thanks for stopping by this evening, Linda!

    Always a joy talking with ya!

    Have a FLAWLESS weekend, dear lady!

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  27. Haha! Your story made me laugh, but actually, I LOVE fruitcake! I know, everyone in my family thinks I'm weird. Have a great holiday.

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  28. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving, Ron. :)

    My sister and brother-in-law LOVE fruitcake. It's because they are both psycho SOB's that worship money and Satan. Fruitcake is just the worst food ever, right after liver and haggis.

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  29. Greetings Helen!

    Welcome!

    Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment!

    It's very nice to meet you!

    Hey...that's GREAT!

    As you may have already read several of the comments left here....there are MANY fruit cake LOVERS in the world!

    That's what's wonderful about having choices.

    Hope you had an awesome Thanksgiving Day!

    Please feel free to drop by anytime...the door is always open!

    Enjoy your weekend!

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  30. OMG..Lady Nitebyrd...

    ...after the long day I've had at work today, I can't tell you how FABULOUS it was to read your HYSTERICAL comment!!!

    God...that was FUNNY!

    Now I know for a FACT, that you and I ARE twins...because we have the SAME SOB relatives!!!!

    HAHAHAHA!

    Thanks for sharing Sis, you always make me LAUGH!

    Yes...I had a wonderful Thanksgiving Day, and hope that you did too!

    Enjoy the rest of your weekend, dear lady!

    X

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  31. You can't make this up it's so funny! And where do you get your images? The little fruit cake toast dude had me stitches.

    Glad to see you are alive and well (sans the "fruitcake") HUGS! XOXO

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  32. Hellooooo Sibyllae!

    OMG...it's WONDERFUL seeing ya!!!

    No...unfortunately, I didn't make this up...I actually DID throw up fruit cake, and that memory will forever be LODGED in my throat!

    HAHAHAHHAHA!

    I get my images from either googling the Internet or on Flickr. The image of the little fruit cake guy, I got off the Internet. Isn't he adorable??? When I saw this cartoon, I actually felt bad that I hated fruit cake!

    Hope all is well and that you had a wonderful Thanksgiving Day holiday!!

    Thanks a BUNCH for stopping by this evening, dear lady!

    It was such a wonderful TREAT!

    HUGSXOXXO

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