A Post About Pooping


I would just like to forewarn everyone that if hearing about my pooping habits seems like a little too much information, you may wish to come back on Friday when I talk about something less private.

Such as my masturbating habits.

Anyway…

Lately, because I’ve been having to get up very early to travel into NYC, my pooping habits have suddenly turned into a major life-altering experience.

Generally, I “download” on a specific schedule, but this suddenly time-shift has made my bowels very confused.

They don’t know which end it up.

I usually poop about 10 AM and then again later in the evening around 9ish PM.

But attempting to poop at 5 AM, leaves me in a I-can‘t-do-this-yet-state because my bowels aren’t even awake yet.

So I find myself sitting on the loo BEGGING and PLEADING with them to move, to no avail.

Also. And this is a very BIG also. I CANNOT do poopie in a public restroom. So if there’s not some sort of a totally private vestibule handy, I end up having to hold it in all day long, which makes me feel like the Goodyear Blimp.

OMG…last Friday was the WORST because my bowels were totally screwed up from having been in NY two days before.

As usual, I couldn’t poop in the morning, so I tried applying a little foot reflexology and chanting some Buddhist mantra’s to see if they would help move things along.

It didn’t happen. I was too tense.

I barely drank any coffee, because I feared having an emergency BM on the New Jersey Transient System at 10 AM.

So when I got to NY…I was tired and felt eight months pregnant.

I didn’t eat much for lunch that day, because I didn’t want my bowels to suddenly explode right there in the middle of Saks Fifth Avenue during a customer skincare consultation.

And finally at 5 PM when I got on the train to come back to Philly, I could feel it starting…

…that rumbling volcano simmering in my intestines.

But I knew I had to wait another two hours.

I did everything to distract myself, so I could take my mind off it…

…I read a magazine, I looked out the train window and counted cow pastures, I wrote in my journal, I PRAYED.

When I finally got into the Philadelphia train station at 7:30, I literally RAN all the way to my apartment. And the second I got inside I ripped off my pants and threw my ass on the seat.

Aaaaahh…..

“There’s no place like home.”




34 comments

  1. Personally, I've always been a one-a-day guy, with a few exceptions. But if we're getting into specifics, I think I've done "the deed" only twice in a public restroom ... in my entire 33 years on the planet.

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  2. Hey MVD...I'm so jealous!

    If only I could do "the deed" in a public restroom ONCE in my 53 years on this planet, I'd be happy!

    But my sphincter won't BUDGE!#*

    Thanks for stopping by, bud!

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  3. LOL Ron I know exactly what you mean - only clockwork timing on my own loo will do! I have had to 'go' at work on a couple of occasions - it's so embarrassing if their is anyone in the next cubicle - I just wait there until everyone has disappeared until I emerge. :(

    Can't wait for Friday to hear about your masturbating habits ;)

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  4. Oh no. And here I was thinking that there was only ONE family that made their kids public-pooping-phobic: Dummy's.
    Yes, here was a dumbass who was anal (pun intended) about pooping anywhere but in a public bathroom.
    Even in the wild. So I guess if he had poop soup he'd still go in his pants before going in a public bathroom LOL.
    Oh yeah, women just LOVE an unemployed by choice MoFo who poops many times a day and farts all day.
    HAHAHAHA

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  5. Boy do I hear you!!!!

    I'm speaking to the warning you gave, of course....cuz there IS such a thing as 'too much information'! LOL

    ..and I'll come wave on Friday....

    ......cuz..... ;-)

    Wash your hands, wash your hands, wash your hands...

    LOL You're so very entertaining--

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  6. This is so true!

    Once a month, we have a 7AM clinical practice meeting and not only do I need to be awake to present my part of the meeting but I have to get up extra early in the morning to sit and wait and wait.

    Good post, Ron. Pooping is funny.

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  7. Thank you for more than I wanted to know about your excrement habits. I have also been full of shit many days of life. Some say I still am. Well thank God that you were able to relieve yourself when you got home or this post would gone down the drain. The thing that made me flush was the idea that you waited for two hours to eliminate. Next time just go in your pants and then enjoy all the room you have around you because no one will come anywhere you.
    Your intestines must resemble a thigh master with all the stretching and relaxing they get. A very pungent post today my gaseous friend.
    Here is to your next movement.

    Have to run(s)

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  8. OMG I'm in tears laughing here! There was a whole lot of thought put into this whole ordeal.

    Notice I am not commenting on my own download schedule. Girly girls don't do that. We don't poop. The angels come and evacuate us over night. :)

    Have a beautiful day.

    xoxo
    ~vk~

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  9. Laughing.Out.Loud on this one!!

    Oh dear, not at your pain, of course. But just the general theme of your post today.
    I'm like a little kid, giggling at potty talk.

    Well... you wouldn't have been the first to leave a little something behind for the New Jersey Transit folks. ;P And I'm sure the NY subway system has seen it's fair share of nasties too. But I'm really glad you were able to wait until you got home. teehee

    I think that if you are going to be on this schedule for awhile, your body will eventually adjust to it. Either that, or you have GOT to find a public restroom that you are willing to use. I know, awful thought. I generally don't like to use them for THAT... but have on occasion if it's bad enough. If you do a 'poo' and a courtesy flush at the same time, no one would really know you are doing THAT. Of course cleaning the seat and stall BEFORE can take a little extra time because some people are pigs and leave most restrooms positively scary to use. We have talked about this before. LOL

    Well, good luck on future trips to NYC. If all else fails there's always adult diapers. Just wear very baggy pants. LOL

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  10. Can't use a public or work restroom for that either.

    Ron, maybe some prune juice in the evening will gently urge your system to evacuate earlier in the morning?

    I know that you'll forgive me for laughing like a lunatic at your honesty.

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  11. Good Mornin' Akelamalu!

    OMG...I think it's WONDERFUL that you can go poopie at work. That's GREAT!

    Thank god I live only three blocks from my job, because if ever I DO have to go, I just tell everyone, "Hey...I've gotta go home and use the can. Be back in a jiffy!"

    ooooh...Friday's post won't be about masterbating, but it will be about one of my SECRETS!

    Thanks for stopping by today, dear lady!

    Enjoyed your comment!!!

    X

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  12. my bowels have never been able to take direction! they, like the rest of me, march to their own drummer so I empathize

    going near a public restroom actually helps me avoid the urge - even to pee

    I once heard my bladder screaming - I'll wait!! I'll wait!! Please take us home

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  13. Debi....you KILL me!

    Poop soup!

    Bwhahahahahahahhaha!

    Let me tell ya though...

    ...I could probably poop easier in the wild, than I could in a public restroom.

    *but OMG, what would I use as toilet paper??????

    Thanks for dropping by Deb!

    Have a GRANDE' Wednesday!

    X

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  14. I guess I'm the exception. I can dump anywhere, anytime. To think, the things I've been taking for granted.

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  15. Good Mornin'Mel!

    OMG...you're adorable!

    Wash your hands, wash your hands, wash your hands...Ok, I PROMISE..I will!

    Thanks for dropping today, dear lady!

    Friday's post will be a little less "informative", but still REVEALING!!!

    woo! woo!

    Happy Wednesday to ya!

    X

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  16. Helloooo Chrissy!

    Oh man....isn't WAITING to poop early in the morning the PITS????

    I swear to god, if I knitted, I could probably knit a complete sweater while I was sitting there, WAITING!

    HAHHAHAHAHHA!

    ALWAYS great seeing ya, Chrissy!

    Have an awesome day!

    X

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  17. HOLY SHIT...Dave...

    ...your brilliant WIT always makes me go..

    ...Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

    GOOD GOD, man...you're FUNNY!!!

    Waiting the two hours on the train was the WORST part. I actually did some Reiki on my tummy, because I was truly concerned about losing it.

    Hey listen, my next movement will be Mozart's 7th symphony!

    HAHAHAHAHHAAHA!

    Thanks for sharing today, my friend!

    ALWAYS enjoyed!

    X

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  18. OMG...Vixen Kitten...I wish you could hear me LAUGHING at...

    ...Girly girls don't do that. We don't poop. The angels come and evacuate us over night.bwhahahahahahahaahah!

    That was beyond BRILLIANCE, girl!

    Oh man...I have to remember to share that with all the wonderful ladies I work with today. They'll get such a kick out of it!

    Thanks for stopping by, sweet lady!

    You made my day!

    X

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  19. OMG...Crystal Chick...you're a PISSER!!!

    If all else fails there's always adult diapers. Just wear very baggy pants.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!

    Honestly though...that's not a bad idea. I could carry some in my backpack!!

    I think you're exactly right though, my body will just naturally adjust to the time change. Hell, it's taking me until yesterday to finally get my system back in order!?

    And you're too funny...

    ...I sometimes will do courtesy flushes even when I PEE in a public restroom. I don't like people hearing me pee, so if I flush the toilet, using my foot...no one can hear me tickle!

    *I think I have MAJOR public restroom issues!!!!!

    ALWAYS great seeing ya, M!

    Thanks for stopping by sharing a great laugh!

    Enjoy your day!

    X


    P.S. oh, and BTW...I don't know if you ever rode on the New Jersery Transient System into NYC, but it's really wonderful. The trains are actually very clean. On the way back to Philly Friday, I took one of the double-decker trains and sat upstairs. It was so cool!

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  20. Mornin' Nitebyrd!

    SEE!!...we ARE siblings!

    Neither one of us can POO in public!!

    Hey, listen...thanks for the advice about trying some prune juice in the evenings. I actually enjoy prune juice, but don't drink it very often. That's a great suggestion!

    Thanks for dropping by, Sis!

    Sincerely,
    Your Pooper BrotherX

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  21. Howdy Dianne!

    Girl...you said it!

    Even going near a public restroom makes my evacuation system CRINGE and come to a HALT.

    The only ones that never made me do that, was when I worked at SAKS in Florida. They each had their own door and were completely enclosed. PLUS...they were spotlessly clean.

    Don't you just LOVE talking about POOPING?

    HAHAHAHAAHHA!

    It's SOOOO wonderful seeing ya, dear lady!

    Thanks a bunch for dropping by!

    Hope all is well!

    Love ya
    X

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  22. Howdy Chris!

    OH MAN...you are one LUCKY dude!

    Yes, and never take it for granted again, because some of us are not that POOP-fortunate!

    HA!

    Always GREAT seeing ya, bud!

    Enjoy your day!

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  23. It always happens when you are close to home you can feel it making its way into the world. You feel the sweat and and trying to contract.

    When this happens there is always someone who wants to engage in conversation or you can't get the key in the hole fast enough and then bleach becomes your bestfriend for those unwanted stains.

    My younger brother will not use public bathrooms only if they are in Nordstroms or an upscale hotel. Mind you he is 11. I clearly steered him wrong.

    I use to have stage fright in public bathrooms. To the extent if I had to go and was going I would put my legs up so no one would know I was there. Its like the whole airplane bathroom scenario. You go to the bathroom to do your business and when you walk out a 100 people are waiting to smell your stank!

    I use to freak out with public bathrooms because if I really had to go I would put the paper sheet down. Then I would be seeing my doctor the next day asking if I had a disease because I sat on a public toilet with a sheet that really in my mind couldn't protect me from all the unclean people and their ailments.

    Now I don't care I carry Lysol spray in my purse for those gotta go moments! I suggest you use the same and air refresher helps those awkward moments as well.

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  24. Domestic Diva...YOU ROCK!!!

    LOOOOOVED your comment!

    Yea, you're so right...and what is it about people wanting to have LOOOOONG conversations with you when you need to GO?!

    That's what it was like on Friday...I couldn't get the damn key in the door fast enough. And riding up in the elevator I was actually DANCING, because I thought I was going to explode right there between floors!!

    Me too...I still have stage fright in public restrooms. And I have no idea why, either. I mean, everyone else in there is doing the same thing I'm doing, but for some reason I feel embarrassed!

    And don't even get me started on airplane bathrooms!! When I flew to Japan (which took 27 hours) I had no other choice than to use the bathrooms, but I went poop in short spurts and could only do a little at a time!! OMG...by the time I got to Japan my eyes had turned from blue to BROWN!

    HAHAHAHAHA!

    Thanks for the tip on Lysol. I know you can buy it in small cans, so that's a good idea!! My mother would always pack Lysol in our luggage when we traveled on family trips, so she could spray the hotel beds before we slept in them!

    ALWAYS great sharing with ya, Diva!

    Thanks for stopping by!

    Enjoy your evening!

    X

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  25. sweetie...you need Dorthy's ruby slippers. click your heels three times and say...there's no place like home there's no place like home...hehehehe.

    the last time I had my pants ripped off was...I was tossed on the bed and...oh yeah. sorry can't tell you the rest...ahem.

    All I can say is...good times ronnie, good times.

    Sweetie...wish I could help you with this problem. It just goes to show me...I don't kow shit!

    Ciao ronnie. Kisses going your way sweetie...xxxx

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  26. Dear Miss Jones...

    Ok...I'm clicking...

    "There's no place like home. There's no place like home..."tee, hee!

    Oh, girl...you've no idea how good it felt to get home and get POOPIN'!

    R-E-L-I-E-F!

    aaaaah!

    Thanks for stopping by for a little POOP-TALK!

    Hope you had a great day, my friend!

    Sincerely,
    Dorothy

    Ciao bella
    X

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  27. I picked a hell of a day to come out of hiding and come by for a read.

    You crack me up my friend.

    Just a though for your Friday post, "Wax on, Wacks off"

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  28. OMG...JEFF!!!!!You don't know how HAPPY I am to see you, buddy!!!!!

    WOO! WOO! WOO!

    HOLY SHIT...you're BACK!!!!!

    And I do mean SHIT!

    bwhahahahahahahaha!

    Yes, my friend...I've been a little POOP disoriented lately. But today, suddenly everything seems normal again. My bowels are back in the swing!

    Thanks SOOOOOOO much for stopping by, Jeff!

    You totally made my evening!

    Later gator!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    P.S. and thanks for your great suggestion for Fridays post title!

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  29. Too much information!!!! But I felt compelled to read the entire post!

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  30. Hi Tina!

    hee, hee, hee, hee.....

    Thanks for reading anyway!!!!!

    Hope you didn't get too pooped out?!?!?!?

    HAHAHAHAHAA!

    Enjoy your evening!

    X

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  31. Dahlink Poopmaster,
    you have email!

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  32. Aloha Debi!ooooh....EMAIL!!!

    Listen, I'll check it out in the morning. I had SUCH trouble getting my last post published!#?!* Something is up with IE and it would NOT let me paste my post to the page, so I had to RE-TYPE the entire post!!!

    It took me FOREVER!

    So I'm POOPED!

    HAAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Good night!
    X

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  33. Hi Ronnie,
    No, I wasen't "controlling myself" he he... I missed this one !!
    My Goodness, what regularity ! We could set our watches on you.

    I personally never know what time I have to go.That's when I'm normal.
    But, when you have an operation, be prepared to have the factory slow down. Your pooping will STOP.Completely ( the fasting the night before surgery has a bit to do with that too); it took me 24 hours to start the production again.

    And I think that we all worry when we have to poop outside our safety zones.I can relate too ;).
    I guess this seperates us from animals !

    Big hugs and stay healthy !!
    XXX

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  34. Bonjour Barbarb!

    OMG...last Friday was the WORST!

    I thought I was going to GO on the Septa train! Luckily I made it to my apartment on time!!!!

    Oh, I know...before an operation or even blood work the POOP Production System can get all screwed up!*?!

    When I'm out of my saftey zone, forget it...my whole system freaks out! I'm like a CAT!

    Thanks for stopping by and catching this post, dear friend!

    Have a great Saturday!

    X

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