Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A Post About Pooping

I would just like to forewarn everyone that if hearing about my pooping habits seems like a little too much information, you may wish to come back on Friday when I talk about something less private.

Such as my masturbating habits.

Anyway…

Lately, because I’ve been having to get up very early to travel into NYC, my pooping habits have suddenly turned into a major life-altering experience.

Generally, I “download” on a specific schedule, but this suddenly time-shift has made my bowels very confused.

They don’t know which end it up.

I usually poop about 10 AM and then again later in the evening around 9ish PM.

But attempting to poop at 5 AM, leaves me in a I-can‘t-do-this-yet-state because my bowels aren’t even awake yet.

So I find myself sitting on the loo BEGGING and PLEADING with them to move, to no avail.

Also. And this is a very BIG also. I CANNOT do poopie in a public restroom. So if there’s not some sort of a totally private vestibule handy, I end up having to hold it in all day long, which makes me feel like the Goodyear Blimp.

OMG…last Friday was the WORST because my bowels were totally screwed up from having been in NY two days before.

As usual, I couldn’t poop in the morning, so I tried applying a little foot reflexology and chanting some Buddhist mantra’s to see if they would help move things along.

It didn’t happen. I was too tense.

I barely drank any coffee, because I feared having an emergency BM on the New Jersey Transient System at 10 AM.

So when I got to NY…I was tired and felt eight months pregnant.

I didn’t eat much for lunch that day, because I didn’t want my bowels to suddenly explode right there in the middle of Saks Fifth Avenue during a customer skincare consultation.

And finally at 5 PM when I got on the train to come back to Philly, I could feel it starting…

…that rumbling volcano simmering in my intestines.

But I knew I had to wait another two hours.

I did everything to distract myself, so I could take my mind off it…

…I read a magazine, I looked out the train window and counted cow pastures, I wrote in my journal, I PRAYED.

When I finally got into the Philadelphia train station at 7:30, I literally RAN all the way to my apartment. And the second I got inside I ripped off my pants and threw my ass on the seat.

Aaaaahh…..

… “There’s no place like home.”