Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Coffee Condiment Torture

Have you ever purchased a cup of coffee at one of those java places and noticed certain insane people adding condiments to their coffee?

I have…and it irritates the royal hell-crap out of me!!!

The other day I stood waiting behind a woman who was preparing her beverage.

(or should I say…science experiment)

The way she was carefully measuring, stirring, eyeing, weighing and concocting her coffee…you’d swear she was trying to recreate the missing strands of human DNA.

And the most nerve-grating thing…was watching her add sugar from those little individual sugar packet’s. She would grab two at a time between her index finger and thumb, and start shaking them to get all the sugar to move to the bottom of the packet's. And it wasn’t enough to just shake them…she also had to FLICK them with the fingers from her other hand.

Shake, shake, shake…flick, flick, flick…shake, shake, shake,…flick, flick, flick

(it sounded like she was playing homemade castanets)

Over and over and over again….

And the way she was BEATING them, I thought the sugar granules were going to revert back into a solid piece of sugarcane!

I watched as she added SIX packet’s to a 8 oz. cup of coffee.

(she was obviously NOT a diabetic)

She also had to sip the coffee between each added sugar to make sure it was PERFECT.

(you know…not TOO sweet)

Then came the milk....

It took her 15 minutes to examine each milk container to see if it was…whole milk? 2% milk? 1% milk? Or half and half?

After she made her choice, she had to open the milk container and take a WHIFF to make sure it wasn’t sour or God forbid, poisonous.

(meanwhile, my own coffee was starting to percolate in my hand from the heated RAGE generating throughout my body)

As she was adding the milk, she started the sip-testing process again to make sure it wasn’t too black.

The final touch...was a quick sprinkle of cinnamon.

2 hours later…she completed her cup of coffee.

I felt like I wanted to applaud and scream, “BRAVO…you get an Oscar in the category of Worst-Actress in the film, “How to Make a Quick Cup of Coffee.”

“NOW, GET OFF THE STAGE…THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE WAITING!#*!”

Aren’t I a bastard?

Yea.

But I don’t care, because I know how the hell to meditate to achieve INNER PEACE!@*!!




Photo: Marky!!!