Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Busted Smoking a Cigarette

I should have known I'd grow up to be a smoker, because my cousin and I used to enjoy sifting through the ash tray in her mothers car; smoking the cigarette butts. And the reason why we did this was because my aunt had a habit of taking only two buffs on a cigarette and then putting it out. Her car ashtray looked like a cigarette case because there would always be anywhere from 5-7 barely smoked cigarettes, perfectly lined up around the edge.

I’ll never forget the time when I was in my early teens and my mother found out that I was not only stealing her 35 cents a-pack unfiltered Chesterfield cigarettes, but also secretively smoking them out of my bedroom bathroom window.

However, I’m the one to blame for that because I stupidly forgot to check the toilet after I flushed the butt and it regurgitated back up; delicately floating on the surface like a water lily the second I walked out the door and left for school that morning.

I should have wrapped that DAMN cigarette butt in a wad of toilet paper to give it some weight, before flushing.

Anyway, I can still remember that afternoon when I got home from school, as my mother inquired, “Ronnie…are you smoking cigarettes?”

Me (nervously caught off-guard): “um…no…why do you ask?”

She: “Are you SURE you’re not smoking cigarettes?”

Me (more nervously caught off-guard): “um…yes….wwwhy?”

She: “Well then…please tell me how a cigarette butt got in your toilet?”

Me (thinking fast): “um…I have no idea. But I do know that my friend Billy Jenkins smokes his parents cigarettes sometimes, so maybe he left it in my toilet.

She (laughing): “Oh really?…well, was Billy Jenkins in your bathroom at 6:30 this morning smoking a cigarette?”

Me: “um…I honestly can‘t remember”

BUSTED.

My mother immediately sent me to my room and told me to stay there until my father came home, when they would discuss a form of punishment.

Now mind you, both my parents smoked, so I thought it ironic when my father gave me a long lecture on the hazards of smoking.

(do as I ask, don‘t do as I do)

Later that evening they finally came up with a punishment to fit my crime.

They decided that since I couldn’t be trusted, they were going to remove my bedroom door from it’s hinges for a month, so I would have no privacy.

OMG…..it was like they were sentencing me to a month in Alcatraz because I was VERY particular about my privacy.

So, before I went to sleep that night my older brother came up to my bedroom with a screw driver and hammer, and took down my door.

And for the next few days it was absolute torture, because I couldn’t sleep at night without having a door - it drove me insane.

So, do you know what I did?

I took my allowance money and walked to Grants department store and bought myself a plastic beaded door curtain.

Ok…technically it wasn’t a DOOR, I know.

But it did give me a few SLIVERS of privacy….