Maria from Russia



Monday afternoon I received two spam emails in my gmail account that were just too good to pass up and not share.

I think it’s funny that I got both of them four hours apart and from the same person.

Maria from Russia.

Normally I don’t even open spam, I just click on the delete button and AWAY they go.

However, something made me open these two emails.

Was it destiny? Was it the universe beckoning me to compose an anti-spam post?

Or, was it just my demented curiosity that made me do it?

Perhaps a little of both.

Anyway, here they are. And please note the subject lines.


From: notification at facebookmail.com
To: triloquist at gmail.com
Date: Mon, Feb 1, 2010 at 1:27 PM

Subject: gently kiss your neck, lower and lower, come to me.

“We were talking on the forum, remember me? I am Maria from Russia!”

My Dating Site

.............................................................................

From: itunes at new-music.itunes.com
To: triloquist at gmail.com
Date: Mon, Feb 1, 2010 at 5:20 PM

Subject: I fell in love with you as soon as I saw your picture!

“We were talking on the forum, remember me? I am Maria from Russia!”

My Dating Site


This is my response to Maria:

Dear Maria from Russia,

First, I would like to thank you for both your emails, because I enjoy getting spam as much as do a paper cut on my lip from a manila envelope.

But I‘m a little curious as to what picture you’re referring too. The only picture I have of myself on my Facebook profile is that of George Jetson. And what forum are you talking about? Because the only forum I was ever on was back in 1988, when I was in the musical “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.”

You have no idea how flattered I am to know that my picture made someone fall in love with me and that they wanted to gently kiss my neck, lower and lower.

(exactly, how LOW do you go?)

However, I think you sent your spam to the wrong person.

I’m not quite such sure how to tell you this other than just typing it out in bold Arial font.

I. AM. GAY.

(and I don’t mean just happy and jolly)

Allow me to explain….

Gay, is when two consenting men get together in the shower and play Drop The Soap.

Do you get my drift?

So, SPAM, BAM…..no thank you ma’am!


Cartoonishly yours,





George from America

No comments