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As most of my longtime blogging friends know, I was gifted with two mothers - a birth mother and a stepmother - both who I greatly loved. One mother brought me into this world, the other guided me through it.
To this day, I still feel their presence around me and the effects they had on my life.
I have learned that "family" isn't defined by last names or by blood; it's defined by commitment and love.
In case anyone is not familiar with my childhood and birth mother, I shared this post about her two years ago and how that experience brought me to another level of healing and closure.
Today, however, I want to focus on my stepmother (Ann) who passed away in 2012.
I've been thinking about her for several months, missing her. Even though we were not biologically mother and son, she and I had a close and familiar bond. It's as if we knew each other right off the bat, like old friends. From the moment my father married her, I felt comfortable with her as the mother of our house. And it wasn't easy for her to marry into a family with three children who, after two years, were still grieving the loss of their birth mother.
My stepmother was much younger than my father. There was a 22 year age difference. When she married into my family, she unknowingly married into a great deal of "baggage". My father's side of the family was not the warmest in welcoming my stepmother. They did everything in their power to make it difficult for her. I have long ago disassociated myself from them. And to be perfectly honest, I like it that way.
And yet, on the other end of the spectrum, my birth mother's side of the family welcomed my stepmother with an open heart. They loved her and treated her with respect.
Being much younger than my father, my stepmother was almost a child herself. Therefore, she had no experience raising three children, let alone children who were not her own. So, she raised us by following her natural motherly instincts, and I'm here to tell you she did an AMAZING job.
My brother and I were on the phone not too long ago, and we talked about our parents and what it was like growing up. Both of us said that we wouldn't trade our parents for the world. Was our childhood perfect? No, of course not. However, I wouldn't change a single thing about it. And I sincerely mean that.
What was wonderful about my relationship with my stepmother was that we were so in tune with each other. We had a sixth sense of understanding our likes and dislikes. We were always very honest with each other when expressing our opinions. However, we instinctively knew how far to go by respecting each other's boundaries. She and I could strongly disagree about something, but it never moved into an ugly argument.
Growing up, my stepmother was well aware of what my interests and talents were, and she always encouraged them. At a young age, she knew I had a knack for photography, so she bought me my first Polaroid. She also knew that I enjoyed writing, so for my birthday, she bought me a desk and a typewriter. She also knew how much I wanted to pursue a theater career, so she supported my decision to move to New York City at 17 years old and attend acting school.
My stepmother loved animals and raised us to have respect for all God's creatures. Growing up, we had dogs, cats, birds, turtles, hamsters, bunny rabbits, and even ducks. My love and affection for animals stems from my stepmother. I immediately think of her whenever I'm in the park feeding the squirrels because she loved to feed the squirrels in our yard.
My stepmother laid the groundwork for me to believe I could do whatever I set my mind to and try new things. She had little confidence in trying new things herself because, in the period that she grew up, there were defined rules about what men and women could and could not do. So privately, I think she lived her desire to try new things through my desires. That's why she always supported me.
About two weeks before she passed, my stepmother phoned because she needed to talk about something. I could immediately tell, just from her voice, that something was bothering her. So I asked, "What's up?" She eventually said to me that before she died, she didn't want to leave this earth thinking that she wasn't a good parent and regretted some choices she had made in raising us. She even said, "Ronnie, I don't think I was a good mother." And I'm like, "WHAT?!?! You don't think you were a good mother?!?!?!"
I told her, "Yes, you're right, you weren't a good mother. You were an OUTSTANDING mother!" I also told her how incredibly blessed I was to have her as my mother and that she was a precious gift given to me after my birth mother died when I was only 5 years old.
During that conversation, she and I both wept, but we also felt a sense of peace. I wanted her to know that before she left this earth, there was no need to pass with any regret. Especially as a mother, she was the best!
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I found some family photographs of Ann and wanted to share them with you...
Here she is as a kid growing up in Germantown, PA. In the photo on the left, you can hardly see it, but she is holding a small dog...
With her brothers (Bud and Jim) on the Atlantic City, NJ boardwalk...
My stepmother with her mother and father (Ruth and Tom), and her beloved parakeets...
My younger brother (Tom) and I, pictured with Ann...
I would like to conclude this post with a video tribute I created a few weeks after my stepmother passed away. She loved the song, Smile by Nat King Cole, so I used that song in this video. My longtime readers have most likely seen this, so pardon the repeat.
Please enjoy...
