Friday, December 07, 2012

Ladies And Gentlemen, This Is Your Captain Speaking

I wish you could have been with me two weeks ago, flying to and from Florida.

Do you remember me sharing about the wonderful flying experience I had when I visited my family back in July? Well, it was the complete opposite this time.

Both flights were HELL.

The only positive thing about it was that I survived to tell this story.

The Trip There:

Holiday Travel and Delays

I totally forgot that I would be flying four days before Thanksgiving and that flights were going to be PACKED to capacity; not only because of the holiday, but also because EVERYONE flies to Florida during the fall and winter months. That means everything takes more time. Which means possible delays.

Not only was our flight 35 minutes late departing the gate, but we also had to wait on the runway for an additional 20 minutes because our plane was 15 in line to take off.

Body Odor

I had a stinky suspicion that this flight was going to be bad, when I took my seat and began to smell a STRONG and OFFENSIVE body odor coming from the man sitting in front of me. And if that wasn’t bad enough, the man who took the seat directly next to mine REEKED of Ralph Lauren’s Polo Green Cologne. It was like he drank it for breakfast. I felt like I was trapped between a garbage dumpster and a throwback from the ‘80s disco era.

Screaming Children

As you know, I adore children. That is, children who are heavily sedated with a XANAX and an APPLE MARTINI before they fly. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be trapped inside a long, narrow tube for 2 ½ hours with children screaming while flying over the Atlantic?

SCREAM!...pause...SCREAM!...pause...SCREAM!

I was half tempted to stand up and yell, “ATTENTION, PARENTS….PLEASE PLACE YOUR SCREAMINGLY ADORABLE CHILDREN IN THE OVERHEAD COMPARTMENTS!!!”

Turbulence

About an hour into the flight our plane went through some VERY turbulent air flow. And the next we heard was, *DING* “Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. I just turned on the seat belt sign because for the next 20 minutes or so, this is as good as it's going to get. Please don’t use the restrooms at this time. Thank you.”

So of course, I began to FREAK OUT. The palms of my hands began to sweat profusely, causing the keyboard on my laptop to look as though someone had thrown a bucket of water on it. I was playing Solitaire at the time, trying to concentrate on the game rather than the wings being ripped off the plane and plunging to my death.

Between the turbulence, the screaming children, and the body odor, I thought I was going to lose it.

The next thing we heard over the intercom was, *DING* “Ladies and gentleman, the captain has requested that the flight attendants take a seat and buckle up. Therefore, we will resume serving refreshments just as soon as the captain gives us the OK.”

(have you ever noticed whenever you hear *DING* on a plane, it's usually bad news?)

The next 20 minutes was like riding on Space Mountain in Disneyworld.

Then, suddenly the turbulence stopped.

*DING* “Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. We seemed to have moved through the turbulence, but I ask that you keep your seat belts on for the remainder of the flight. Thank you.”

About 40 minutes later, the plane began its initial descent into the West Palm Beach airport.

I was never so happy to touch the ground and get the hell off a plane in all my life.

The Trip Back:

Well, it was the same experience flying back to Philly.

Delays, a packed flight, screaming children and turbulence.

However, there was one bright spot….

….no body odor.

Have faaaaaaaabulous weekend everyone!

X