Monday, January 28, 2013

With Kisses, Olivia

Okay, I just could not allow this opportunity to go by without sharing it.

Plus, I haven’t written a post about sexy spam email in way over a year.

But I'm just warning you....cover your ears because this is gonna be a DIRTY post.

As most of you already know, email spam runs rampant on the Internet. Most of the time it's automatically placed in my spam box and I just delete it without ever opening them.

However, last Friday afternoon I couldn’t resist opening one that caught my eye, in which the subject box said, “Hi handsome!” Because I thought that maybe Daniel Craig was finally emailing me to ask if I wanted to go out on a date.

WRONG. No such luck.

Much to my surprise it was from a funny, cute chick in some faraway country, who calls herself Olivia, and who asked me to “go somewhere” and “visit her life.”

Here it is:

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Hi handsome! ;)

If you looking forward about spending great time in a company of funny, cute chick then I'm waiting for u!

I really liked ur photo shots and that's why decided to send this mail! I'm sure that you wouldn't stay disappointed after staring at mine too.

So, I wait for you to answer this message and who knows we will go somewhere, drink some vodka, talk about different subjects and who knows I gonna invite you to visit my life! ;)

With Kisses,
Olivia
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First of all, do you just love the way she talks?

“If YOU looking forward ABOUT spending great time IN A COMPANY of …”

“SO I WAIT FOR YOU to answer this message and who knows WE GO SOMEWHERE…”

“...who knows I GONNA INVITE YOU TO VISIT MY LIFE…”

God love her!

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Now, here is my response to Olivia:

Hi Olivia!

Thank you for your email, inviting me to spend great time in your company and visit your life. However, unless you’re looking for a man to style your hair and makeup, and perhaps help you select a fabulous cocktail dress, with a color coordinated purse and a pair Jimmy Choo shoes, you’re sending your emails to the wrong man because I’m GAY.

Gay meaning, I’m a homosexual. Homosexual meaning, I’m a man who would date someone with the name Woodrow, but sometimes goes by the name Woody.

Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?

I like WOOD.

Listen, I’m curious to know where you found my photo shot’s because I don’t remember posing for any photos lately. Yet, you’re more than welcome to send me a photo of you, so that after I’m done staring at it I can run it down to a gentlemen's club called, Delilah's, because I'm almost certain they would love to see a funny, cute chick for themselves.

And they would probably even pay you for a "happy ending."

Oh, and I also need to tell you that I don’t drink vodka, only red wine. Sorry.

You truly seem like a very lovely lady. Yet, I apologize to inform you that I don’t see us going anywhere together.

That is unless it’s shopping at Saks Fifth Avenue. And then going for manicures and pedicures afterwards.

But hey, I would like to invite you and your emails to go somewhere together...

With Kisses,

Handsome