Friday, March 22, 2013

Blanche Pulls Her Back Out

Okay, picture this…

Joan Crawford as Blanche in the movie, Whatever Happened To Baby Jane, painfully crawling along the floor without the use of her wheelchair because she’s trying to get to the phone to call her doctor to tell him that her sister, Bette Davis as Jane, is trying to slowly kill her.

Yup…that was me last Sunday afternoon.

Well, not EXACTLY me, because no one was trying to kill me, but I DID painfully crawl on the floor while attempting to get to the bathroom because that’s where I keep the Advil, which I desperately needed after pulling my back out.

Now, HOW did I pull my back out? By lifting a large, heavy box off the floor? Noooo. Did I do it from rearranging the furniture in my apartment? Noooo.

Do you want to know how I did it? But you have to promise not to laugh.

I did it by simply opening a window in my apartment.

Yes, you heard right – by opening a window in my apartment.

The pain hit me so hard that I dropped to the floor and started writhing around as if I was hit in the lower back by a semi truck on the turnpike and left as roadkill. I must have over-extended my back while doing this because no sooner did I lift the window, a searing pain enveloped me.

OPENING A WINDOW FOR GOD SAKE!!!!

And thank heavens I had off work for three days because I could barely move the lower half of my body. I stayed home and did nothing but apply warm compresses with eucalyptus oil on my back; took Advil; also attempted to massage the reflexology points on my feet to help with the pain and healing.

And it worked, because by the third day I finally felt some relief and could move around like a halfway normal person, without having to grab onto the walls and furniture in my apartment in order to walk only 2 inches.

If any of you have ever pulled your back out, I know you understand what I mean about how utterly painful and inconvenient it is because it effects your whole body.

*Note: Isn't it ironic how whenever you pull your back out, it seems that you keep dropping things on the floor so that you have to bend down to pick them up?

Here are a few things I had difficulty with while my back was out of whack:

Going to the bathroom:

As most of you already know, I’m one of those strange men who prefers to SIT and pee. Therefore, do you have any idea how LONG it took me to sit on the toilet seat, pee, and then try to stand up? It took me like FIVE HOURS because it took 2 ½ hours to lower myself onto the seat, and then another 2 ½ hours to raise myself off.

Yes, I DID try to pee standing up, but I couldn’t stand completely straight, so I ended up tinkling everywhere except INSIDE the toilet.

Taking a shower:

Well, let’s just put it this way, I didn’t properly shower myself for three days because I couldn’t move my body around to use shower gel and a wash cloth. So do you know what I did? I just POURED shower gel all over my body and then stood under the shower nozzle, rinsing it off. I had soap bubbles EVERYWHERE. I looked like a commercial for Mr. Bubble. And because I couldn't maneuver my body to dry myself off with a towel, I just walked around my apartment NAKED and drip-dried for 30 minutes.

Sleeping:

First of all it took me 8 hours to actually lower my body into bed every night. I normally like to sleep on my side, but I couldn’t, so I had to sleep on my back because any other position caused such tremendous pain, that I would yell out. I’m sure that if anyone walked past my apartment door, they probably thought I was having a passionate night of carnal knowledge because all they heard were primal moans, “Aah! OMG! Aah! Aah! OMG!” And then a climactic, “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

Yeah, so that’s how I spent the greater part of this week.

Mending my lower back.

Now I know how Joan Crawford felt…

Have a TERRIFIC weekend everyone!

X

Update: Please know that I as we speak, I am feeling almost 100% better! Thanks so much for your well wishes...x