The following is a continuation of an experience many of my longtime readers are familiar with. It was something in my childhood that brought me to yet another level of healing.
Backstory-
My birth mother died of cancer when she was 40 years old, leaving a husband and three children. My father, for reasons I truly believe were his best intentions, never told my siblings and me that our mother was sick with a serious illness because he didn't want to worry us or cause us pain. Five years after being diagnosed, when she was in the final stages of dying, my siblings and I were taken to stay with a relative. And after the traditional two-day Italian funeral was over, the three of us were brought back to our home and told what had happened. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. I had heard the words my father said, but I don't think I fully digested them. For me, it felt as if time had stopped and left a huge empty space in my childhood.
Photo on the left: my sister, brother, and me on the sidewalk in front of our home. Photo on the right: same photograph comparing how it looks now...
This is the back alley of our rowhome. And what I clearly remember about this alley is that it was where my father taught me to ride a bicycle on two wheels. Even today, I recall how he ran alongside the bike and supported it as I found my balance, and then let me go. Oh, what a great feeling that was!...
After visiting my home, Kelly drove me to the cemetery where my mother was buried. I had called the day before and got directions from one of the managers where my mother's tombstone was located. Even with the directions, it took Kelly and me a while to find the tombstone. But we did.
To be honest, I didn't know how I would react to seeing her tombstone again after such a long time. What surprised me was how incredibly peaceful I felt. And not only peaceful, but lighthearted and happy. At one point, as I laid my hands down, I could feel a vibration coming from the earth. And I said to Kelly, "I can feel her."...
I forgave my father for the choice he made because I understood why he did it. My father was a very kind and sweet man. He always looked for the good in everyone. However, he was also a man who had difficulty facing things that were unpleasant or uncomfortable. To shield his children, he took us away right before my mother passed so we would not have to experience it.
When I was in my late 20s, my father and I began to have conversations about what had happened because he felt guilty. When we were alone, he would sometimes ask if I forgave him. And I had. I knew in my heart he made that choice to protect me. He didn't want to put his children through the painful process of seeing their mother die.
When I was in my late 20s, my father and I began to have conversations about what had happened because he felt guilty. When we were alone, he would sometimes ask if I forgave him. And I had. I knew in my heart he made that choice to protect me. He didn't want to put his children through the painful process of seeing their mother die.
I'm a firm believer that it's up to the child to learn from the choices made by their parents. I don't believe in blaming because blame only keeps you there. So when I was in my mid-30s, I began to use alternative therapies that helped tremendously to release the emotional baggage I had been carrying around with me and began to heal.
However, what I discovered is that healing doesn't happen all at once. It comes in stages. And it does that because it knows at various stages of your life when you're ready to go deeper and release more emotional baggage. You can't change the past, but you can certainly use it to live in the present. That's what healing is.
For the past three months, I've been feeling the desire to go back to my childhood home and simply look at it. That house is where my pain began. That house is where I left that huge empty space in my childhood. And that house is also where my mother died. Therefore, I wanted to find closure.
I hadn't been to the cemetery where my mother was buried since I was a child. My father used to take us there periodically to visit my mother's tombstone and bring flowers. However, after we moved to Florida, that stopped. I hadn't seen her grave in over 50 years. And I was ready.
Two months ago, I asked my dear friend Kelly if she would drive me back to my childhood home and to my mother's grave because she not only had a car, but she is also someone I feel incredibly comfortable with expressing my feelings and emotions. I didn't know how I would feel once I got there, but I knew that with Kelly, she would simply allow me to be in the moment.
And she did.
Today I would like to share my experience of that day with you. This experience brought me down another path on my healing journey.
My childhood home-
The picture below is of my birth mother, my older brother and sister, and me, standing in front of our home in West Oak Lane, Philadelphia back in the late 50s. I have this photograph in a small frame that sits on a bookshelf in my apartment. Notice the house number on the brick wall: 7818...
Below is a photograph of me at that same address when I went back to revisit my childhood home last Sunday. The brick wall in front of the house was not there when my parents owned it. One of the following owners must have added it...
I brought several family photos, which I placed along the tombstone. I don't know who placed the artificial flowers there, but had a feeling it was a relative from my mother's side of the family. Whoever it was, I thought it was very kind and thoughtful of them. It made me realize that after all these years, someone is still visiting her.
Kelly took these photographs as I sat down and allowed myself to just feel...
I can't tell you how grateful I am for last Sunday. It brought me full circle to an experience that has affected me my whole adult life.
I had no idea it would take until I was 67 years old to get to this point in my healing.
But I have to say that I feel much lighter, more open, and less afraid of abandonment. And I also got validation that even though I wasn't there when my mother passed away, I didn't need to be. Yes, her physical form left this earth in 1961, but her love for me never did. And that love is what lives on inside of me.
Revisiting my childhood that day reminded me of that.
In retrospect, I also see why I felt the desire to move back to Philadelphia in 2001.
To come home.
And to heal.
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Thank you, dearest Kelly! For last week, for taking these photographs, for your friendship, and for your love.
Love ya', my friend! 💖
And thank you, everyone, for taking the time to read this today. 💖
Ron, thank you so much for sharing this experience with us who read your blog. I read it twice because I didn't want to miss a thing, but also because it's so beautifully expressed. I find it so inspiring that you took your childhood experience and turned it into something positive. This is a perfect example of accepting whatever life hands us and learning from it.
ReplyDeleteI love the photos too. How sweet your family looks. That comparison photo is so wonderful. I like how you can see how different the cars were back then.
So glad you were able to revisit your home and your mother's tombstone. What a lovely lady! And what a great friend Kelly is.
Thanks again, Ron! xox
Morning, Candice!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words. I am sooooooooooo incredibly grateful for my friend Kelly because I knew that with her, I'd be able to experience however I felt going back there and she would just allow me to be. I also told her that I thought she had been placed in my life nine years ago for many reasons. And this being one of them.
I love that comparison photo too. That was Kelly's idea! I also thought the same thing about the cars!!!
Thanks so much for stopping by today, Candice. Have a great rest of your week!
X
OMG, I’m bawling, Ron. What a journey you have had. I’m so grateful you have shared it here today. It’s such an incredibly sad story. I’m fairly certain you don’t have contact with those two siblings, do you? I wonder if they have had similar feelings about everything that happened. I’m sure because of their ages when it happened, it affected them in different ways than for you.
ReplyDeleteI love that you recreated the house picture with the number. The steps look original! I love that. Did you knock on the door to let them know what you were doing?? And what good memories of learning to ride your bike in the alley. I also fondly remember my dad helping me learn on the side street that ran next our our house (we lived on a corner).
The photos of you at your mother’s grave make me happy and sad for you. I’m so glad you had the opportunity to finally go back to visit her. And I’m grateful to Kelly for taking the photos to share with us. I’ve been really missing my dad lately, going through boxes and boxes of his belongings. So, your post was perfect for me today. I’m on the healing train with you, Ron. XO
Hey there, Daniel!
ReplyDeleteI really don't know. I just knew (intuitively perhaps?) that his choice was made out of concern for us. And once I realized that, I knew there was nothing to forgive. Like I shared, I believe it's up to the child to learn from their parents choice. And I really mean that. I can't change his choice, but I can certainly learn from it.
No, my siblings processed that experience in different ways. I have no connections with them, so I can't speak for them. However, I wish them healing.
" I’m so glad you had the opportunity to finally go back to visit her. And I’m grateful to Kelly for taking the photos to share with us. "
Oddly enough, it felt wonderful. As if a huge weight had been lifted from my heart. And me too, I am so grateful that Kelly was there and captured these photographs. And not only that, but that she was present as I experienced this. It helped a lot.
I can't change the choice my father made. But I knew that I could use it to learn something for myself. As it turned out, the pain I felt as child from that experience brought me healing from the pain.
Thanks ever so much for stopping by and for your kind words, Daniel! Mean's a lot!
Have a great rest of your week!
X
Ron, thank you for your response to my questions. I'm impressed that you comprehended that at such a young age.
ReplyDelete"As it turned out, the pain I felt as child from that experience brought me healing from the pain." -- wise man you are.
Thanks again.
And thank you, Daniel! 🙏
ReplyDeleteRon, being a longtime reader of your blog I knew about your mother and what had happened to her, so this post deeply touched me to the point of tears. I read this at my desk this morning at work and bawled. This is one of those stories that is bittersweet because it began as something painful and sad, but then evolved into something joyful. And it's because you had the courage to examine your feelings and emotions, and sought healing. You didn't just sit there with your feelings about this experience and be sad or bitter, you allowed it move forward. Not many people could do that. And that you never blamed your father by forgiving him is another thing I feel allowed you to walk through it and not wallow in it.
ReplyDeleteBless your friend Kelly for taking you to your home and your mother's grave. She sounds like such a special friend.
LOVE all the photographs! The one of you standing by the stairs at the front door (then and now) made me so emotional. Such a cute little boy you were. As well as a cute man!
The photo collage of you at your mother's grave are beautiful. I could feel YOU in those images and what you were feeling.
"At one point, as I laid my hands down, I could feel a vibration coming from the earth. And I said to Kelly, "I can feel her."..." I'm sure you could, Ron!
Thank you, sir, for sharing this with us. I felt honored to read it.
Wishing you continued healing and love! xo
Hola Denise!
ReplyDeleteI can't thank you enough for your kind and encouraging words. Thank you SO MUCH!
I believe that when my mother passed away, she continued to stay close to me and guide me to through my loss of losing her and the lack of closure. And I believe that, because I have always felt her presence around me throughout my entire life. As I shared, I loved my father. He was kind and had a very sweet heart. He did what he did to protect his children. He didn't do it to be mean. Therefore, how could I not forgive him?
"Bless your friend Kelly for taking you to your home and your mother's grave. She sounds like such a special friend."
Yes, she sure is a special friend! And I'm so grateful to her.
"The photo collage of you at your mother's grave are beautiful. I could feel YOU in those images and what you were feeling."
I wasn't sure how I would feel, and was surprised by how peaceful I felt. And happy.
When I felt the vibrations through my hands, I knew it was her. And I could feel her smiling at me.
Thanks ever so much for stopping by, Denise! You words meant a lot to me!
Have a superb rest of your week!
X
I'm crying and I just put on makeup. 💕🤣
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you have a Kelly in your life, and I'm sure she's glad she has a Ron as well. I know you felt the vibration at her grave as a Reiki practitioner. That is my favorite moment.
Reading your story has inspired me tremendously. In light of everything you've been through, you're so positive. Your healing journey has been very inspiring. I'm so glad I met you. I am eternally grateful to Bijoux for introducing me to you.
My dear friend's mother died four years ago this week. This post's appearance this week is no coincidence.
Sending you so much love, my friend. 😘❤️
Hey there, Kari! Sorry about the makeup...LOL!
ReplyDeleteMe too! The whole day I kept saying to Kelly, "Thank you so much for doing this with me! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Her presence truly made a difference.
" I know you felt the vibration at her grave as a Reiki practitioner. That is my favorite moment."
I don't know what made me put my hands down on her tombstone, but I did. And I should have know, being a Reiki practitioner and being sensitive to energy, that I would feel a vibration. And I instinctively knew it was my mother. I could actually feel her smiling at me.
Thank you for your kind words. I have always sensed that any challenge or painful experience I go through in my life is there for a reason. It's not always easy to see things in that light, but when I do, I eventually see what it's teaching me. For me, healing comes from embracing and allowing myself to feel the pain.
"My dear friend's mother died four years ago this week."
It's hard at the beginning when you lose a parent. I remember going through the loss of my father and stepmother and missing them on the holidays.
Thanks so much for stopping by, my friend. Me too! SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad I met you!!!
Have a terrific rest of your week!
X
Helloooooo there, Debbie!
ReplyDelete(and I'm soooo glad you have such a dear friend as Kelly to accompany you on what could have been a difficult journey)
OMG, me too! We met about 9 years ago at work, and I instantly knew we would be close friends. We just had a "connection" that went very deep. As if we knew each other forever.
"Losing a mother, especially at such a young age, must be incredibly hard."
Yes, it is. And the hardest part was having closure because I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. As I shared, I heard my father's words when he told me of my mother's passing, but I didn't fully digest them as a child. It took years for me to return to that moment and process it. Like I said, I can't believe it eventually took 67 years to come full circle. But I knew (intuitively) that going back to my childhood home and visiting my mother's grave, would give me closure.
"When you placed your hands on the ground and announced you could "feel" her, I absolutely got chills!"
Me too! I could feel my mother smiling at me.
I'm so glad I decided to do this and that my friend Kelly was with me. She and I both found the experience uplifting, peaceful, and as Kelly said, "Happy!"
Thanks so much for stopping by and for your support, my friend Muchly appreciated.
Have a great rest of your week and weekend!
X
OMG, Elaine, I laughed so hard at this because that's EXACTLY what I look like...
ReplyDelete"I love the expression on your cute little face, as if to say, "Okay, take the damn picture and let's move on!" LOL!"
Cracked me up!
Glad to hear that you see this as a positive experience for me because it was. It was the next step I needed to do as part of my healing. I can't say I wasn't sure how I would react to seeing my home and mother's grave, but it ended up being such an uplifting day.
"Back then they didn't ever tell the patient that she/he had cancer. Cancer was (and still is) a scary thing. I think it's good that times have changed and now the patient has full access to making choices about how they want to proceed with treatments."
You're are absolutely right about that. In fact, my mother didn't even know she had cancer until much later. I agree, I think it's good how times have changed in allowing the patient choices in treatment because every one is different. And everyone should have those choices.
I wasn't expecting to feel anything, but when I did, I was like, "WOW....I can feel her!" And it was a happy sensation as if to say, "I happy you're here, Ronnie!"
Thank you so much for your sweet, kind and encouraging words, Elaine. Means a lot!
Have a faaaaaaaaabulous rest of your week! And thank GOD we got a break in the high heat and humidity!
X
Gosh Matt, thanks ever so much for your encouragement and kindness.
ReplyDeleteThroughout my life, I learned something about healing. I learned that in order to heal, I have to feel whatever pain it caused me because withing the pain, lies the healing. If I avoid the pain or ignore it, it only gets worse. Healing is like walking through a door. You've got to get to the other side of the door to find the purpose.
She is, Kelly is a GREAT friend indeed!
" I know what you mean about feeling so comfortable around someone who allows you to just be, without any judgement or telling your what you should do. I have a close friend like. And I cherish him."
So glad to know you have a friend like that and that you cherish him!
"The one about your father teaching your to ride a bike was so cool!"
I suddenly remember that as I was talking with Kelly and sharing my memories of growing up in that house. And what a great memory that was for me.
Thanks a bunch for stopping by and sharing, Matt. You're comments are always appreciated!
Have a fantabulous rest of your week!
X
Speaking of the high heat and humidity, I am SO ready for fall!!!
ReplyDeleteOh dear God in heaven, meeeeeeeeeeeee too! Just think, it's almost August so we don't have much longer to wait.
ReplyDelete*doing the happy dance*
Beautifully expressed post, Ron! What touched me the most is this ---- " Even today, I recall how he ran alongside the bike and supported it as I found my balance, and then let me go." --- because I feel it's so symbolic of how your father "supported" you after your mother passed. I don't, I could be wrong about that, but just the way your words felt to me as I read that, made me think that.
ReplyDeleteI bet it felt like such an emotional release to visit your home (and stand in that same place), and then visit your mother's place of rest. The collage of you sitting there made me emotional. In a good way.
Thank you for sharing this part of your life, Ron. I am so happy for you! x
Oooops! Forgot to mention in my previous comment what a great friend you have in Kelly. Glad she was there for you.
ReplyDeleteYes, she certainly is! So glad she was there.
ReplyDelete"....because I feel it's so symbolic of how your father "supported" you after your mother passed. I don't know, I could be wrong, but just the way your words felt to me as I read that, made me feel that."
ReplyDeleteOMG Abby, I didn't even think that until you mentioned it, and you are absolutely right! How intuitive that you picked up on that because it WAS symbolic!! I got chills when you said that.
"I bet you felt such an emotional release visiting your childhood home (and stand in that same place), and then visiting your mother's place of rest. The collage of you sitting there made me emotional. In a good way."
Yes, I did. And what surprised me the most was how "at peace" and "happy" I felt. I'm still processing it, which I'm sure will invoke even more healing.
So glad I decided to do this. I was so ready!
Thanks so much for stopping by and for sharing your thoughts and feelings, Abby! You've added much!
X
Thank you for sharing this experience, Ron, it was certainly a healing experience for you from what you wrote. It was so sad to read about your mother's passing at such a young age. While you didn't state your own age back then, you must have been very young to have your father want to shield you and your siblings from the funeral. My parents did the same when my paternal grandfather passed and as with your father, this was done in the name of love and caring.
ReplyDeleteIt was good to read that you and father were able to talk about his decisions when you were an adult and that you forgave him for not sharing about your mother's illness. I wonder if it would have been harder for you to process as a child.
Seeing the photos of then and now as you revisited your childhood home and neighborhood looked as if time has not changed the area very much. I have seen my former NJ childhood home several times in the past few years and the current owners have changed it substantially and not for the good, so that's it's actually more painful for me. Unfortunately the 95 year old former neighbor we visit when in NJ lives directly across the street. For myself, this is a more painful experience.
The visit to your late mother's was lovingly shown and written about and it made me feel a bit lax in not having visited my late parents gravesite in many years.
It is indeed goo to have such a good friend, like Kelly, to have helped you on this journey.
Hellooooo there, D!
ReplyDeleteI was 5 when my mother passed away. I was born in October of 1955 and she was diagnosed with cancer (Hodgkin's Lymphoma) that same year in December. She lived for five years.
Back then people didn't talk about things like cancer, let alone to a small child. And I somehow knew intuitively that my father made that decision out of love and protection. I sincerely was never angry with him.
"It was good to read that you and father were able to talk about his decisions when you were an adult and that you forgave him for not sharing about your mother's illness. I wonder if it would have been harder for you to process as a child."
Maybe it would have been harder, I don't know. And perhaps that's what my father was thinking in not telling my siblings and me. However, something like that eventually catches up with you because everyone has to go through the grieving process. I knew that I needed to do that when I was in my mid-30s, and I'm so glad I did, because it released a lot of unexpressed feelings and emotions.
" I have seen my former NJ childhood home several times in the past few years and the current owners have changed it substantially and not for the good, so that's it's actually more painful for me. Unfortunately the 95 year old former neighbor we visit when in NJ lives directly across the street. For myself, this is a more painful experience."
Yes, I'm sure it is a painful experience.
It's really something to go back to your childhood home and see it though, isn't it? It's as if time stood still and the memories come flooding back.
Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts, feelings, and your own experiences on this topic. You've added much!
Have a faaaaaaaaabulous Monday and week, D! And I hope it's cooler there than it is here. GOD, how I can't wait for AUTUMN!
X
Wow, Ron!!! I love this! To come full circle and feel lighter and more validated... an amazing experience. Yes, I do remember you speaking of your family, childhood, your mom and dad, etc. This was an important thing to do and I'm glad your dear friend Kelly was able to help make it happen and be there with you for it. I'm absolutely positive that you felt your mom's energy and she was/is with you always. Such cool photos, too.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing! xo
Morning, Mary!
ReplyDeleteYes, you're absolutely right, it was an important thing for me to do. And I feel as though it was the right time to do it because it all came together so smoothly. And what was so cool was that when Kelly drove down the street and we found my childhood home, there was a parking space directly in front of the house!
And what made this experience even more special was Kelly. Her presence there added to "me being so comfortable and at ease" going back there.
Thanks so much for you kind, sweet words, my friend. And thanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog posts. Muchly appreciated.
Hope you're have fabulous weekend!
X