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Do you remember me saying that I LOVE this time of the year…because I don’t recall?

This past weekend in retail, was like living through the horror film, "Psycho"…and Norman Bates was the customer.

I swear to God…it was as if a HUGE bus filled with insane people, pulled up to the curb…and the driver said, “Ok, everyone….you‘ve got 15 hours to go into this store and torment the sales people until they feel like they want to drive an ice pick through their heads!”

Look….I know that Saturn is retrograding, but why the hell does it have to retrograde during the most intense time of shopping????

No one….I mean NO ONE could make up their minds about what they wanted to buy. You'd swear they were selecting hearts and kidneys.

I waited on this one woman (who I KNOW had been smoking something illegal - because it took her 20 minutes to BLINK). I was with her for a total of 60 minutes and showed her 5 different products. She never uttered one word of an opinion until she said, “I need more time to think about this.”

I felt like saying, “You know…the store is only open for 8 more hours…so you better make it snappy”

When she walked away from me…it looked like she was walking on the moon and had no sense of gravity.

And then I waited on this one man, who I could tell, would rather go bungee jumping without a cord, than shop. He looked as though he was experiencing hemorrhoids, as he BARKED these nasty requests at me, about what he wanted to purchase for his wife. We don't normally do this, but I asked him if he wanted it gift-wrapped, and he said, “No, just throw it in the bag.”

I thought, “Oh, God….your wife must LOVE being married to you….cause I bet you’re really SENSITIVE in bed.”

But my favorite customer, was a woman who talked on her cell phone and shopped at the same time. I normally ignore these customers, because I think it’s totally rude and obnoxious (either shit…or get off the phone). Half the time I didn't know if she was talking to me…or the person on the other end. She kept describing what I was showing her, to her “phone friend” and then asking for the phone friends’ opinion…..

“Well, Susan…do you think Kathy would like this?”

I felt like saying, “Why don’t you just take a friggin’ picture of it with your phone camera…and then email it to Susan, so she can approve it…and then you can move on with your life…and proceed to annoy someone else in this store!”


I was also asked by at least 50 customers, “Could you PLEASE tell me where the bathroom is?…Could you PLEASE tell me where the bathroom is?…Could you PLEASE tell me where the bathroom is?”

What?….Was everyone in this city taking DIURETICS this weekend???

Everyone was in a PEE frenzy!

When it was time for me to leave work…I flew out the door and ran home to a nice hot bath and said, “Calgon….take me away!”

Tonight, I think I need to watch the movie, “Little Women” to remind me of when people lived in a more simpler time…and made their Christmas gifts out of paper, glue and drawing pencils…and baked corn bread.

Fa, la, la...oh shit!

Photo: Kevin


  1. I've found that since my Christmas shopping's pretty much done, I've been getting myself two varieties of things to make myself happy. 1) Lush products and 2) creepy music, books, and movies. It wasn't until I walked home with Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust and Night Watch last night while reading a book about folkloric vampires and listening to White Zombie that I realized that I'd been medicating with revenants and hemorrhaging. Might I recommend, good sir, taking some time to revisit a certain Mr. Meyers for a spell during this retail holiday rush, as it'll prove a bit of catharsis, and probably keep you from doing the same to the customers.

  2. Tee-hee, Professor!

    You're right...I'll live my vents through Mr. Meyers...good idea!

    Now...where the hell, did I put that copy of Halloween????

    Peace Pro,

  3. LOL you love your job don't you????

    Have some white wine tomorrow(that makes you freaky) and get your own back on them! :)

  4. Merry Christmas Akelamalu...Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells!

    Ok, girl...brilliant idea!!!!

    I'll get BACK to you on this!#@!


    Thanks for advice!

    la, la, la,


    You poor baby. After reading that I wanted to take an ice pick to someone's head....and it sure as hell wasn't my own! :)

    ((((( Ron ))))) Dude, I'm sending you massive waves of PATIENCE.

    Either that, or find yourself some of what that woman was smoking. LOL

  6. It's not Mercury, it's Saturn. I'd rather have Mercury considering what Saturn is bringing into my life at the moment


  7. Oh, Grace....I needed to write this "fiasco" in a post last night when I got home from work, because looking back at it...I laughed so hard...I pooped!

    I think the Universe has a plan for me, to take this insanity...and write a movie for HBO.

    Your comment added to my laughter...THANK YOU FRIEND!

    And I'll take ALL the patience I can get!

    Oh God...7 more days of this torture...pray for me!

    It's so bad...I'm starting to see "Sugar Plum Faries" dancing around in my apartment!

    I did 2 hours of Reiki on myself last night, and 2 today...and I feel SOOOOO much better!

    Thanks for stopping's always FUN!

    Fa, la, la,
    Norman Bates

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  9. Hey Cynthia!

    Thanks for stopping by....and for clearing that up for me!

    I hate to say this...but thank God I'm not the ONLY one being affected by this astrological madness.

    I stopped by your blog this past weekend, and really enjoyed your writings!

    I shall return!!!

    Good to see ya...and drop in anytime!


  10. ROTFL!I didn't get to read this one on my first trip over, and the new member of the house has been taking diuretics, so I have 1/2 the computer time i used to!
    But THANK YOU! I Laughed my butt off!
    MR Chicken man!
    ( By the way I think i was in line behind the moon walker today...did she smell of patchuoli and mumble? )

  11. Sorrow~

    YES!!!! Oh, my God... She did smell of pachouli and mumble!!!

    (and after the day I had...I almost asked her to share some mumble)

    I wonder if she was making her way around the country????

    So glad you shared in my laughter...cause looking back at was funny!

    All of life is a STAGE!

    Thanks for stopping by again Sorrow,

    Norman Bates (the chicken man)