The Case of the Missing Italian Gene

On the day I was born, I would just like to know…where the HELL was I standing when God was handing out the “Italian cooking genes?”

As an Italian-American I think I should probably have my nationality revoked, because I’ve never had the slightest interest in cooking.


(Shhhhh…please don’t tell the Italian Embassy)

I come from a family of incredible cooks. My father was always amazing in the kitchen and my brother is currently a head chief. And without a doubt, all the women in my family are/were cooking geniuses. They all looked like they could have modeled on the label of a spaghetti jar.

But somehow…Ron fell through the cracks of the Italian gene pool.

I would gladly exchange my kitchen for another bathroom.

Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to eat…I just don’t like preparing it.

For years and years, I ate all my lunch and dinner meals out. However, I’m always starving in the morning, so I always have breakfast food in the house. And god forbid I don’t have a supply of freshly ground coffee for my French press…because I seriously think I couldn’t face the world without it!

You see, I’m more of what you would call: “a quick meal maker.”

Now, please don’t laugh when I describe my kitchen to you…

It’s not REALLY a kitchen, it’s a converted closet that has what’s called a “three-in-one.” A three-in-one is a nifty little kitchen unit that has a small sink, two electric burners, and half a refrigerator…that’s it. I don’t even have an oven! However, I do have a microwave.

(woo-woo!)

And here’s an even BIGGER laugh…I use to have a part-time job at a William-Sonoma, so I have some awesome calphalon pans that hang on the kitchen wall, collecting dust.

(could you just die?)

At 52 years old, I don’t have any hopes that a “cooking gene” will ever rise to the surface.

(however, you never know)

But I will tell you what I’m REALLY good at…and that’s eating other peoples food and then washing the dishes.

So if you would like to invite me for dinner…I'll bring my stomach, a nice bottle of wine, my rubber gloves and some Dawn dishwashing detergent.

And if you should ever find an “Italian cooking gene” floating around somewhere, please feel free to mail it to me…and I’ll even pay for the shipping.

Enjoy your weekend, everyone!

28 comments

  1. I know an Italian gene. His name is Geno Fatucchi.

    You poor soul. I guess you have been dealt this fate for some purpose. Some of us have to cook and some have to eat what is cooked. I on the other hand have been given both of these qualities. I cook and I eat and then I eat some more. I love to put the meal together and taste it every step of the way until it is complete. I am thrilled when others say how wonderful the meal looks, smells, and tastes. It is my way to feel connected with the food stuff of this world. Now, do not beat yourself up just resign yourself to the fact that in the grand scheme of things you are a good eater.
    Now, come over and dig into some Pasta Fasouli, with some Plenta and Sauce and perhaps a nice glass of Chianti.
    Oh, wipe the saliva off your chin.

    Have a good weekend.

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  2. Well, Ron, more odd proof that somehow we are related. My heritage is Scottish/English/Irish. But, I've got your Italian cooking gene. Mulder is Italian-American so I've been making "red gravy" and other Italian delights forfuckingever! People LOVE my cooking. Personally, I hate cooking. I hate my cooking. I don't want to cook. My next house will not have a kitchen.

    For you though, I will cook up a feast if you find yourself in Florida. I know you'll want proof that your missing gene is actually doing okay in this WASP body.

    And you won't have to wash dishes.

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  3. Oh dear Ron, your kitchen would never due for my family. Good thing you live alone. Do you think would be inspired to at least try to cook if you had a beautiful/large/fully stocked kitchen?
    I have sort of a love/hate relationship with cooking. I own all sorts of cooking gadgets. I am pretty good at cooking. I enjoy the creative process of cooking and the rewards of having something turn out nicely.
    However, cooking has become such a chore for me. I essentially have to prepare 3 meals a day, 7 days a week. So it has become quite tedious and boring. I find myself chosing ease of preparation over creativeness. If it requires more than two steps for the preparation, I do not make it anymore.
    Kind of sad though, because I used to cook all sorts of wonderful things. Now my cooking is so boring.
    Sigh....maybe when my kids get bigger, I will enjoy it again.
    And hey Ron, seriously, I despise cleaning in every form, this would include washing dishes. So you most definitely could come over for dinner, every single night if you lived closer. I am sure that we would have wonderful conversations!!!
    And then you could wash my dishes.

    Have a great weekend Ron.

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  4. Morning Senor Dave~

    LUCKY YOU!!!

    And see...you say exactly what my relatives say about cooking...they enjoy tasting it every step of the way...

    They sip the wine...taste the food...sip the wine...taste the food..

    It's so funny...because I FEEL Italian in every sense...except in the cooking department...

    Oh well, such as you said, in the grand scheme of things...I'm a damn good eater!!!

    And I WASH a mean dish!!!

    And I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE...Pasta Fasouli!!!

    I'll be right over!

    Thanks for stopping by my, Italian, cooking, Libra friend!

    Che Faccia Bella!

    Enjoy your weekend...ciao!

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  5. Oh and Ron, another comment here. If you ever feel inspired,and since you only have a stove top, I posted a really easy recipe for stove top lasagna on my blog, back when I first started it and it was boring and only 2 people read it.
    It is here

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  6. God Love ya, Lady Nitebyrd!!!

    Che faccia bella!

    Damn, lady...we really Do have much in common!

    It's funny, cause my second mother is of Irish, English and German heritage...and like YOU...she is a freaking AWESOME Italian cook! And like YOU...she doesn't really enjoy doing it all that much. She always say's that she should have been born Italian...because she LOVES Italian food the most.

    And I love how you called it, "red gravy"...that's SOOO Italian! And me...I call it sauce!

    See...I told you something got messed up in the "gene department."

    And I will definately take you up on the dinner feast when in Florida...I'll bring the wine...and we can use paper plates...no need to do dishes!

    Thanks for stopping by, dear Lady.

    Enjoy your weekend!

    Ciao Bella!

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  7. Moring Senoretta Nicole~

    I know...isn't my kitchen UNREAL??

    I really don't think if I had a fully stocked kitchen, I would feel any different about cooking. I mean, even when I worked at William Sonoma...I learned to respect the art of cooking...but it never became a passion.

    I suppose I should at least try purchasing an Easy-Bake Oven...

    (I wonder how long chicken would take using a 100 watt light bulb?)

    Ya know, I hear so many mothers say the same thing about cooking. They LOVE to cook, however, after doing it for the family for so long...it does become boring and feels more like a chore.

    But I bet your right...after the kids get older, and it's mainly you and Hubby...you may just start enjoy it again. Alot of gals say that!

    You're so sweet Nicole...for inviting me to dinner every night. Thank you for that!

    If you should ever come to Philly for the weekend...I could take you and your hubby to some really nice restaurants. This way we could eat...and NEVER have to do the dishes!!!!

    Enjoy your weekend, Nicole!

    Ciao Bella!

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  8. Howdy Nicole~

    Hey...thanks for the link to the stove-top lasagna!!!

    I LOVE lasagna! Yummmy!

    FABULOUS idea...I'll check it out this weekend!

    Grazie!

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  9. But Ron you have so many other talents!

    When you come to England (North of) you can come here for dinner and we'll let to stack the dishwasher, how's that?

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  10. Ha...ron, you kill me. Italian food is my favorite with a bottle of wine.

    Ron, my brother used to say he had a kitchen only because it came with the house. He bought cookware so when I did visit...I'd cook up a storm. I love to see a man eat my meals. They eat with so much...hunger.

    When the prince has his friends over for supper...my lord, nothing goes to waste.

    baby...I'm a gonna hava to show you how to cook italian one a these days. Momma mia, you will know all a the secrets ofa my familia. No..not the Jersey side. We don'ta talk about thata side without my a lawyer. :P

    hehehe

    Baby...I'll cook anyday for you and all you have to do is bring you. Eh, what the hell, bring the wine...we'll get drunk too.


    Ciao babes...you have a fab weekend too. :D

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  11. Evening Akelamalu~

    You've got a deal, my friend!

    Could you maybe make some Shepard's Pie??? I LOVE THAT!!!

    Just let me know what kind of wine you'd enjoy...I'll be sure to arrive plentiful!

    Thanks for the INVITE, dear lady!

    And who knows...it may JUST manifest!

    Enjoy your weekend!

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  12. Evening Mama Mia Jones!

    What a nice Italian sister you are!

    And I bet you're one hell of a cook!

    Bellisima!

    Hey...Jersey????

    I'm from Philly! And you'd think with all the fabulous Italian restaurants here...I'd of gotten bitten by the "cook bug"

    NADA!

    I've only within the past year, even started drinking wine. And now I've turned into this wine enthusiast! Every couple of weeks I try something new. I'm a RED lover! Ain't wine GRAND?

    Hey...thanks for the INVITE to a nice Italian meal...that's very sweet of you! Just let me know what kind of wine you enjoy!

    Great seeing ya, Spiky!

    Enjoy your weekend!

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  13. If it weren't for the Brit, I'd seriously consider converting the kitchen into a library and getting myself a 'three in one'.

    I don't cook.
    Could, I suppose.....but food is just a necessary evil for refueling.
    *shrugs*

    Yep.
    I'm weird.....LOL

    Now, dishes....I LIKE!
    Something about that warm water and bubbles....

    :-)

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  14. Morning Mel~

    I don't think you're weird at all...

    I sometimes think about eating food in that same way!

    Hey...I think if you and I were ever roomates...we'd have an awesome supply of coffee, toys, books, and bathroom accessories...

    However...we'd also have a HUGE bill for "take-out."

    GREAT seeing ya on this Saturday morning, Mel!

    (I'm actually sitting here having my first cup of French press java of the day)

    Yummy!

    Enjoy your weekend!

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  15. Having a big kitchen really changed my desire to cook. I lived in a tiny apartment for way too long with no kitchen, but now am in a bigger house with a nice-sized kitchen, and I actually WANT to cook. lol Weird.

    I'd still rather have someone else do the cooking, but someone it seems to be my job, darnit, so I have to gut it up and do it most of the time...except for those nights both boys have baseball games, like last night, where we ended up eating fast food, blech.

    Anyway, nice post, Ron, sorry you didn't get that Italian gene. Maybe you'll grown into it eventually? hehe

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  16. Howdy Rhea~

    Being from an Italian family, my father INSISTED on always having a fully balanced meal at dinner (meat, starch, greens)...and god forbid my mother ever changed the menu.

    But on Thursday nights, my dad use to go to the country club and have dinner with his buddies and play cards...

    So it was on THOSE nights...that my mother would treat us kids to "junk food." We'd order a HUGE pizza with pepperoni and drink it down with orange soda!!

    We always thought it was the BOMB!

    Hey, your right...maybe one day my Italian cooking gene will surface...and then watch out people...I'll probably turned into Momma Leoni!

    Thanks for stopping by today, Rhea. Hope you having a GREAT Saturday!

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  17. Ron if you make it here I'll make shepherds pie for sure! :)

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  18. Evening Akelamalu~

    YOU ARE A SAINT!!!

    THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

    Yummy...I can already taste it!

    Thanks for stopping back, dear friend!

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  19. Ron, I'm affraid if I saw your "kitchen" I'd just break down and cry! I love cooking too much to give it up. Although if I had a private chef to prepare meals for me every night that might be different.

    Oh wait, I do...and her name is Lisa. She is full blooded Italian and your lack of the Italian gene may just be the result of her having a double portion of it. She is an awesome cook!

    So if you ever find yourself in Oregon, she and I will whip up and nice meal for you to enjoy.

    And please leave the handware at home. There's something disturbing about having someone doning rubber gloves around me now that I'm over forty!

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  20. Holy shit, Jeff...I've missed your freaking awesome humor!!

    Ok...I promise, I'll leave the rubber gloves at home...

    tee, hee!

    I know...my kitchen and cooking skills are pathetic! I'm a disgrace to the Italian culture. I'm SOOO Italian in so many ways...just not in the kitchen.

    But, HOT DAMM...if I should ever get together with you and Lisa (which one day may happen) I would SOOOO take you up on your offer for dinner...I'm an incredible audience and will CLAP loudly afterward!!!

    Thanks loads for stopping by tonight, buddy. Hope all is still abundant at work...and that your enjoying a nice relaxing weekend.

    Talk to ya soon!

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  21. Hmmmm, saying you'll bring a stomach, some wine, rubber gloves and detergent sounds like the making of a new Hannibal Lecter movie.

    But Jeff really is right, rubber gloves after 40 is just plain scary! My gastro doc has seen parts of me my husband never will. In fact, I'm expecting flowers from both of them next Valentine's day. ;)

    I have done WAYYYY tooooo many dishes since we bought this old house. It's a bungalow from the
    20's and when we moved in, the kitchen was a flashback to the 50's only it wasn't newly styled that way it was a multispeckled floor, an OLD red counter, an ancient oven with one or two working burners and a small fridge. We threw some new tile down, put in a basic counter, and got a newer stove but the rest is waiting for a total sledgehammer project.
    I still manage to cook in it though. And sharing the house with my daughter and her family makes it even more challenging but worth it to present hubby with a good meal. He gave me my first cookbook the Christmas after we got married almost 25 years ago, so I owed it to him to learn a few things.

    Somewhere down at the end of my page is a post called 'dinner fit for a king' so check it out. I can do lasagna and other like dishes, my own way of course, but being no one in my immediate family is Italian, who would know if I mucked it up.
    I have no real 'gadgets' other than a garlic press, a couple machines that rarely get used, and a couple seriously pathetic knives but still manage to make some decent meals. I've even tried theme nights and had Korean, Indian, Soups, etc. and it was really fun!
    I wonder if we ever do get a matching set of pans and some real utensils how my cooking will be then. My gawd, can you say Nigella 'goddess' Lawson???? Oh how I love that woman!!

    I think with the wonderful stories of your acting days and other neat jobs you've had, that terrific sense of humor, your healing and soulful energy, and all around terrific kindness you must not be lacking in invites to share an evening! Altho, on the occasional night you're left hanging, I've heard that some restaurants will let you wash dishes for a meal. Just pretend you can't pay and before long it's rubber gloves and detergent all the way!
    hehe

    Hope you are enjoying your Sunday. Peace, M

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  22. Greetings Crystal Chick~

    I SOOOO enjoy your comments, dear lady!!!!

    You always share such wonderful stories!!!

    And thank you for your kind words!

    You freaking made me laugh about the Hannibal Lecter analogy!! I never thought of it that way...but it DOES sound like him!!!

    YUMMY!

    And Mr. Jeff had me rolling on the floor with his rubber glove and over forty mention!!!

    Like I've said before...only the FUNNIEST people comment here...and I'm so damn lucky!

    Hey...your house sounds really cool! I could just visualize that 50's style kitchen. I actually love the the style from the 50's. I really enjoy the "retro-look." Actually, in the future, I may be changing my blog template to something more RETRO. Maybe in the Fall.

    You sound like a cook who has a wide variety of tastes...and that's wonderful. When I lived in Japan, I really got into asian-style food. Before that, I never really thought much about it. It's very good! I bet you hubby is a great cook!

    I too have very minimal "kitchen gadgets." What with the size of my kitchen, there's only room for the basics. I have the greatest pans from my days at William-Sonoma...but like I said...they only collect dust!

    You would DIE if you ever saw my kitchen. It looks like something you'd see on small boat! It's actually kind of cute...but VERY small!

    Oh, well...it serves the purpose of a non-cooker!

    Thanks for stopping by today, M. It's always great chatting with you!

    Hey...did you guys get a lot of rain today? It's been raining off and on all afternoon. I actually took a nice long walk in it. The squirrels depend on my afternoon feeding....

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  23. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you are too adorable!!!

    Hey! Theres too many cooks in your family, it's about time there was somebody to appreciate and eat the food, rather than fuss over it and cook the food!

    I hate cooking too! I'm totally the same! But! I would sooo invite you to dinner tho! Just not at my house *GiGGLeS*

    Lets go to a restarant! Bring the wine, but leave ya gloves and detergent at home! :-P xx

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  24. Ooh, I'll look forward to seeing your new blog design some day. I'm sure you're developing mad skills at Borders reading those HTML books. You go for it!

    Rain??? I waved to Noah when he drifted by on the Ark. I don't think he saw me though, he was too busy counting....

    Well, we do need the rain I know, but because I'm into the craft fairs now I always get a little concerned about Saturdays.
    It rained Friday and Sunday but just got cloudy and cool a bit on Sat. Most of the day was pretty nice.

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  25. Morning Giggle~

    Hey, you're RIGHT...there are too many damn cooks in my family!!!

    And OMG...you should have seen them all together in the kitchen on a Sunday, making dinner for the entire family...they were all CONTROL freaks trying to dominate the cooking!!

    CRAZY ITALIANS!

    It's a deal...you and I can do dinner OUT...we'll go to a BYOB restaurant...and let THEM do the cooking!

    Great seeing ya, Giggle. And thanks for stopping by to read all these posts and leaving a comment!

    You're the BEST!

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  26. Howdy Crystal Chick~

    Yes...I think I saw Noah floating by via Jersey!

    tee, hee!

    I never thought about your craft shows on the weekend...but that's right. Hopefully this summer, it'll rain Mon-Fri...leaving Sat and Sun...BRILLIANT!

    I'll cross my fingers for ya!

    And do a little NON-rain dance!

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  27. Oh Ron..I am so with you!

    My family is not Italian but southern. Which may be more pressure when it comes to cooking! 'Tis considered a sin to NOT cook things from "scratch"..NO "store made" things or cake mix cakes at family dinners. They would talk about the poor soul that dared bring such a thing..whispering hateful things behind their backs. I recall words such as "lazy", "spoiled", etc.

    I swear I still think I may have been left on the door step because I do not like to cook! Remember home-ec class? We had to make yeast rolls for homework. Mine could have been used for concealed weapons..they were like rocks or missiles. Needless to say, my Mother was mortified!! :O
    I was terrible in the class, and at the end the teacher privately told me "Honey, I think you need to marry a rich man so you can hire a cook or both of you will starve to death!" :)

    Now I am the one that always volunteers to bring the wine too! though, my preference is to dine out..that way NO dishes to do either!! hee, hee.

    Good vent! I have some catching up to do here. L-Ya!

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  28. OMG Gypsy-Heart....you made be LAUGH MY ASS OFF!

    "your yeast rolls could have been used for concealed weapons"

    TOOOOO FUNNY!

    I've known several people who were born and raised in the South...and I've heard them say the same as you..."everything from scratch."

    (the same with Italians)

    I actually LOVE southern food. I was friends with a couple from Georgia and they would have me over once a month for a typical southern dinner...OMG, she was such a wonderful cook!

    Maybe it's because you and I are more "artist and creative"...or maybe it's a Capricorn/Libra thing...or many we're just meant to suck at cooking!

    Great seeing ya, dearest Gypsy-Heart! And thanks for sharing your same LACK of the cooking gene!!!

    tee, hee!

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