Friday, May 16, 2008

The Case of the Missing Italian Gene

On the day I was born, I would just like to know…where the HELL was I standing when God was handing out the “Italian cooking genes?”

As an Italian-American I think I should probably have my nationality revoked, because I’ve never had the slightest interest in cooking.


(Shhhhh…please don’t tell the Italian Embassy)

I come from a family of incredible cooks. My father was always amazing in the kitchen and my brother is currently a head chief. And without a doubt, all the women in my family are/were cooking geniuses. They all looked like they could have modeled on the label of a spaghetti jar.

But somehow…Ron fell through the cracks of the Italian gene pool.

I would gladly exchange my kitchen for another bathroom.

Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to eat…I just don’t like preparing it.

For years and years, I ate all my lunch and dinner meals out. However, I’m always starving in the morning, so I always have breakfast food in the house. And god forbid I don’t have a supply of freshly ground coffee for my French press…because I seriously think I couldn’t face the world without it!

You see, I’m more of what you would call: “a quick meal maker.”

Now, please don’t laugh when I describe my kitchen to you…

It’s not REALLY a kitchen, it’s a converted closet that has what’s called a “three-in-one.” A three-in-one is a nifty little kitchen unit that has a small sink, two electric burners, and half a refrigerator…that’s it. I don’t even have an oven! However, I do have a microwave.

(woo-woo!)

And here’s an even BIGGER laugh…I use to have a part-time job at a William-Sonoma, so I have some awesome calphalon pans that hang on the kitchen wall, collecting dust.

(could you just die?)

At 52 years old, I don’t have any hopes that a “cooking gene” will ever rise to the surface.

(however, you never know)

But I will tell you what I’m REALLY good at…and that’s eating other peoples food and then washing the dishes.

So if you would like to invite me for dinner…I'll bring my stomach, a nice bottle of wine, my rubber gloves and some Dawn dishwashing detergent.

And if you should ever find an “Italian cooking gene” floating around somewhere, please feel free to mail it to me…and I’ll even pay for the shipping.

Enjoy your weekend, everyone!