A Fractured Fairy Tale



Ok…I have a confession to make.

I lied.

I really wasn’t working last week.

What I actually did was have my body surgically augmented.

Yes, that’s right…I had cosmetic surgery done from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.

I know I’ve said that I would NEVER have cosmetic surgery, but a few months ago I won the Pennsylvania State Lottery for seven million dollars. So after I donated six million to my favorite charity, I thought to myself….

“Oh what the hell, Ron…take the remaining million and just do it”

I also thought that once the cosmetic surgery had been completed, I could confidently pursue my life-long dream of touring the world as a professional 53 year old male stripper and then gradually accumulate another seven million dollars in g-string tips.

So last Tuesday I flew to an exclusive cosmetic surgery hospital in Macon, Georgia (where Cher goes) and had myself nipped and tucked, and lifted and lipo-sucked. I also had chest implants and a ten inch penis enhancement.

I informed the doctor that whatever he did, I wanted my body to look completely natural.

He guaranteed that I would be pleased with the results or he would give me a complete refund plus a gift certificate to Pizza Hut.

The entire surgical procedure took only 20 minutes. And it was amazing, because the doctor only used a simple pair of scissors, a desk stapler, a vacuum cleaner, two water balloons, and a hot glue gun.

Last Thursday afternoon after the bandages and staples were removed, I was finally able to look at myself in a full length mirror to see the results.

OMG….I was ECSTATIC!

I thought I had died and been reborn again, Tom Ford.

And I really didn’t care that I no longer looked like myself because I was now a hot beefcake.

When I got back to Philly the first thing I did was have my hair colored and my body tan-sprayed. Saturday afternoon I had some professional photos taken so I could start promoting my new career.

So here you go, folks…

I proudly introduce the new ME….








*This photo is actually a scratch and sniff. So if you gently scratch your computer monitor over my hairy pecks and then sniff your finger...you'll discover what 100% fake beef smells like.

Bon appetit!

45 comments

  1. Forget scratching and sniffing...
    I'm LICKING THE SCREEN!!!!
    (pant, pant, pant...) This Mama never seen anything so perfect as you, Ronnie! That stinkin' nekkid man statue in Vegas ain't got nothin' on you, you superhunk!

    Your big ten inch...record? Wooo!
    I'll give you my credit card info for that! Where do I sign up??
    And PLEASE let there be booty shots too!

    ReplyDelete
  2. After picking myself up of the floor from laughing so hard I scratched and sniffed. Can you stand it? I'm still busting out with laughter. I can't even type this was so funny night night ROFLMAO

    ReplyDelete
  3. Maybe you can get your money back.

    Just saying.....

    ReplyDelete
  4. OH.MY.GOD! LOL

    Well, now I have no other choice but to go have all my procedures done too and then we can take our Cabaret show on the road!!! Nekkid and throwing alot of money around. The Emcee and Sally Bowles never looked so damn good. hahaha

    So I see you are still quite punchy from a very hectic week of insane Father's Day shoppers. hehe

    I love your new bod. Enjoy it. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ron,
    The doctor is also a wizard. I hope that you are recovering from your total body make over and are resting well. When your recouperation is complete get your little ass back to the doc and see what the hell he did with your brain. Do you really want to look like a Calvin Kline model? I was a model like that once and it was hell. I decided to gain about 2 and 1/2 tons and loose all my hair and get gallons of garlic juice to bathe in it daily.
    Now that I look and smell like the rest of America I feel safe and secure in this crazy planet.
    So, my buff friend stay that way if you must but remember that all things will pass.

    Have great day and when I get the chance I mail you a dollar.

    Sparky

    ReplyDelete
  6. I have to tell you....I liked the old you a whole lot better!

    You are perfect just the way you are. Please go get the staples and glue removed and return as the old Ron we all love.

    xoxo
    ~vk~


    PS Why does 100% fake beefcake smell like windex?

    Just wonderin.....

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ron, my sweet "brother", do you mind if I steal the picture of the NEW you for ... um, .... personal use?

    ;) LOL

    If I win the FL lottery, I'm going to get me some surgical enhancement and become the female equivalent of that delicious man!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Aloha Debi!

    OMG...I'm DYING of laughter from your comment!!!

    Please know that I was thinking of YOU the whole time I was writing this post last week! You've had me seriously thinking about becoming a Chippendale ever since you mentioned it on several posts.

    So thank you Deb! I owe this augmentation all to YOU! You gave me the confidence to go forward with my secret dream!

    I haven't started taking credit cards for my services yet, but when I do I'll let you know!

    Oh, and listen....please start making those g-strings because I'll need them!

    Thanks for stopping by Deb!

    You ROCK!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Aloha Thom!

    bwhahahahahahahaa!!

    Aren't I a SICK man???

    OMG...I was SO hoping that someone would say that they tried the scratch and sniff, so THANK YOU!!!!

    If you can believe this...after I published this post last night, I actually tried scratching and sniffing it myself!!

    bwhahahahahahahaha!

    Thanks so much for stopping by, Thom!

    Your comment made me howl!

    Have a great Monday, bud!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Howdy Mel!

    OMG...you are TOOOOO funny!

    Hey, listen....no worries, because if I should decide that my new look is too much, I can always have the procedure reversed!!!!

    HA!

    Thanks for stopping by dear lady!

    Happy Monday to ya!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hiya Crystal Chick!

    Hey, listen...if you should decided to have this done, I'll email the doctors name....he's FAAAAABULOUS!

    And that's a great idea, M. You and I will bring a whole new meaning to Cabaret! We can try our new looks out in the Barnes and Noble cafe on Saturday nights! I think the Rittenhouse Square crowd would love us, don't you?

    Yes...I'm still QUITE punchy from last weeks insanity. In fact, I wrote this post mid-week to take my mind off the madness!#?!

    Always great seeing ya, neighbor!

    Thanks for stopping by!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Howdy Mr. Dave!

    OMG...I thought I remembered you as the Calvin Klein model!!! It was during the 70's, right???

    I remember seeing your billboard in Times Square!!!!

    (or was that Marky Mark?)

    hahahahahahaha!

    I know, Dave...I don't know what the hell possessed me to do this, but damn, man....I'm enjoying it so far! However, I may get sick of this look and return to old me.

    And thank you for the DOLLAR!

    Shit...that's the first tip I've received!!

    Always great seeing ya, bud!

    Thanks for the laughter!!!

    Enjoy your day!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hellooooo Vixen Kitten!

    OMG....I'm so happy to see ya!

    Yahooooo...you're second person who tried scratching and sniffing the screen!

    HA!

    I can't beleive all the people who have commented that they liked the old me better!!!

    I hope I didn't make a mistake!?

    HA!

    Oh well, for another million I can have the whole thing reversed if I should decide to do it. But damn...I'm kinda lovin' it right now.

    Thanks so much for stopping by!

    I've been thinking about you for the past few days and sharing much good energy with you.

    Take care, dear one!

    {{{{{{X ya}}}}}}}

    ReplyDelete
  14. OMG...I LOVE YOU...Nitebyrd!!!

    YOU CRACK ME UP!!

    No, by all means...help yourself to the photo and have FUN!! Isn't he a muffin?

    (and he looks intelligent too)

    I found him on the internet last month (I forget what the hell I was googling for), but I saved him to my computer. Then last week while I was deleting pictures from my files, I suddenly got the idea for this post when I saw him again.

    I guess you could say, "He inspired me!"

    HA!

    ALWAYS great seeing ya, Sis!

    And it's wonderful to see we have the "taste."

    Bon appetit!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Ron you're such a card!! Phew you do look hot though. :0

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hi Akelamalu!

    I'm a little LOCO aren't I?

    Oh, and thank you m'dear...so glad you like the "goods".

    I'll let you know in advance when I make my tour of Europe, ok?

    Maybe we can meet for lunch and a glass of wine before my show!

    *and be sure to tell all your girlfriends to throw money at me, ok?

    hahahhahahaha!

    Have a wondeful evening Akelamalu!

    Thanks for stopping by

    ReplyDelete
  17. HA! Ron you Studly Mc Stud Muffin!

    Hey now that you'll be out on the road strippin' and g-stringin', don't forget about us homely types back home on the blog roll ya hear?

    Me thinks you'll be very busy out on the A List Party circuit with your *ahem* spankin' brand new bod! Say hi to Lindsey and Paris for me! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Well, Ron, I've sniffed the shoulder area, but I refuse to go south of the nipple line. And since you mentioned vacuums, I'm assuming the hose attachments were instrumental in the ten inch enhancement. Did you leave the brush on the hammerhead tip, or have it shaved off?

    Also, thanks for not providing a rear scratch and sniff. I knew there was a gentlemanly quality about you.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hmmm..I have to ask..did anything else change..are you still gay..how about bi? hee, hee

    I confess..I think I would grow tired of this boy toy..like everyone else I prefer our Ron as he is..a beautiful and gloriously funny man!

    Love and laughter to you, dear heart,

    ~gypsy-heart

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hiya Kate!

    So GREAT to see ya, girl!

    No way, I wouldn't dare forget you wonderful people on my blog roll!

    In fact, my first appearances will be in the cities and states of all those on my blog roll first. I figured that you guys and gals would give me RAVE reviews and boost my ego!

    Hey, listen...Paris already contacted me after reading this post and as welcomed me with open arms to the A List.

    bwhhahahahahahahaa!

    Thanks a bunch for stopping by, Kate!

    Hope you're enjoying your summer!

    Strippingly yours,
    Studly Mc Stud Muffin
    X

    ReplyDelete
  21. HOLY SHIT....MVD...I can always count on you to make me laugh until I choke!!!

    ...I've sniffed the shoulder area, but I refuse to go south of the nipple line....

    That was hysterical!!!

    But I thank you for at least trying the scratch and sniff!

    It's funny, because when I first wrote this post, I was going to have everyone scratch and sniff the crotch area, but it's just as you said, "I'm too much a gentleman."

    HA!

    Yes...the vacuum cleaner was used for both the lipsuction from my hips and the ten inch penis enhancement. And I believe the doctor just used the hose, no attachments. He also instructed me how to use my home vacuum cleaner to keep up with the length!

    Thanks for stopping by, MVD!

    You always add so much good stuff to my posts!

    Enjoy your day!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hello Dearest Gypsy-Heart!

    I can't tell you how happy I am that you're back from France!! It's so good seeing you again. I've missed ya!

    Yes, I'm still gay, but am willing to strip for all genders.

    I'm what you call an androgynous stripper!

    I'll strip for anyone who pays me.

    HAHAHAHAHAHHA!

    Thank you for your sweet words, my friend. And yes...I too think I would get tired of the "boy toy" image. I imagine that it can get quite BORING being a sex object.

    tee, hee.

    Thanks for dropping by, Gypsy-Heart!

    Love ya!

    ReplyDelete
  23. You showed us the beef cake, but what about your meat balls?

    I feel ripped off!!!

    Welcome back!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Howdy Jeff!

    bwhahahahahahahahaa!

    You totally got me on that one, buddy!!!

    OMG...that was HYSTERICAL!

    I give you a gold star for that comment!!

    Ok...the next photo I post of my new body will have meatballs, I promise. Perhaps even a pepperoni stick!

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Great seeing ya, Jeff!

    You ALWAYS make me laugh.

    Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Ronnie,
    ( lost in translation) so I'll just put: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!
    Woah baby, you are HOT :)

    I think that I'm going to have a hard time just trying to have a drink with you the next time in Philly, clawing & pushing my way past the screaming Mimis ( and also equally screaming lads )

    Imagine it, buddy...
    Nah; I'll settle for the old model of Ronnie that I heart mucho.

    XXX

    ReplyDelete
  26. Oh I feel so special (blush) and yes, I'm working on your little g-string bikini with the *extra* pouch roominess in front. I think I'll also make you a cutsie one with a big long elephant trunk. How does that sound?

    ReplyDelete
  27. Bonjour Barbara!

    hahahaahhaahhahahahah!!!

    Aren't I a silly Philly man???

    I'm hoping that Debi can make me a g-string with Go Eagels embroirdered on the crotch...what do you think???

    Don't worry, my friend...the next time you come to Philly for a visit, I'll be your very own personal "boy toy."

    bwhahahahahaha!

    Thanks for stopping by, Barb!

    I hope all is well with Arnold.

    Have a great day!!!

    {{{{X}}}}}

    ReplyDelete
  28. Aloha Debi!

    THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!

    And yes...an EXTRA large pouch would be greatly appreciated!!!

    LOVE the elephant trunk idea!

    And like I mentioned to Barbara...maybe you could make one with Go Eagels embroidered on the front!!

    HA!

    Mucho grassy!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Ron if you come over here and put on a show I will organise a coach load of ladies - with lots of money! LOL

    Pop over to mine tomorrow you will find a little something for you. x

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hi Akelamalu!!!

    YEPEEEEEE!!!!

    A coach load of ladies with MONEY!!!!

    OK, as soon as I get my passport and g-string in order...I'm there!!

    hahahahahahaha!

    Thanks for stopping by again, my friend!

    oooo...and yes, I'll be sure to stop by your place tomorrow...I love suprises!!!

    X

    ReplyDelete
  31. I had to look at Fabulouso Ronaldo's Sexy Self pic again LOL.
    MUI CALIENTE, SENOR!

    ReplyDelete
  32. You GO...Debi!!!

    Hey listen, why don't you do what Nitebyrd did and right-click and save the photo to your computer!

    It's free of charge!

    haahhhahaahaha!

    Senor Chippendale
    x

    ReplyDelete
  33. OMG...too effin funny. Glad your blog was the last one I read tonight. I neeed the laugh! Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Hi Funny Girl!

    So glad you had giggle!

    Thank you for stopping by!

    Hope you had a great evening!

    Sincerely,

    Mr.Stud Muffin

    ReplyDelete
  35. Just an addional wordfull to react to your last comment :

    " I Love ya, baby !!!!! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  36. We both need to stay away from the scratching and sniffing...we gonna get hurt one of these days :)

    ReplyDelete
  37. Aloha Thom!

    Yes, I agree!

    And a bad case of carpal tunnel.

    bwhahahhhahahahahaha!

    Have a great day, bud!

    ReplyDelete
  38. You're insane! Can I get that scratch and sniff in one of those car things shaped like a pine tree. But it would shaped like....well, you know...

    ReplyDelete
  39. Bonjour Barbara!

    I love you too, baby!

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    ReplyDelete
  40. Hi Chrissy!

    I know...I think I'm BEYOND insane!

    Oh, and yes....I will also be creating those "car freshner things" in the near future.

    They'll be 10 inches long and smell like a hot dog.

    WOOF!

    Thanks for stopping by, girl!

    Mr. McMuffin
    X

    ReplyDelete
  41. OMG, you are out of your sweet little mind!! xoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxox and am so glad you didn't touch one teeny hair on your head or any other part of yourself...sigh, I suddenly realized I was going into never never land there ;)

    ReplyDelete
  42. OMG...Linda...you're a RIOT!!!

    "Never never land"

    hahahahahahahahaha!

    No...I actually didn't touch a hair or "thing" on my body.

    This post was just a VERY fractured fairy tale!

    Love ya, dear lady!

    Thanks for stopping by!

    Mr. Muffin
    XOXOXO

    ReplyDelete
  43. OMG........
    okay, so maybe thats a beefcake...
    but I am with Mel, maybe you can get your money back?
    You were much more adorable in the before shots...
    just saying...

    ReplyDelete
  44. Hiya Sorrow!

    Yes...apparently my wonderful lady readers here, feel that the augmentation was NOT for the better!

    Oh well...I guess I should have been born a straight man!

    bwhahahahahahah!

    Love ya!

    Thanks for dropping by!

    ReplyDelete
  45. you look so handsome! i love the new look. lol

    you're funny ron.

    ReplyDelete