A New Walking Law in Philadelphia



I've decided to pass a new walking law in Philadelphia.

The law will be very similar to driving on any major highway.

Those of us who know HOW to walk in a city should stick to the left-hand side of the pavement. While those who walk with their heads in their ass should stick to the right-hand side of the pavement or they should immediately be pulled over by a state trooper and given a traffic ticket and a breathalyzer test.

It's quite obvious there is a huge percentage of people in Philly who failed Drivers Ed in high school.

Walking the streets is not only annoying, but also life-threatening.

I've seriously considered attaching an airbag to my chest and carrying a roll bar.

First of all, the majority of people in this city walk with the speed of chronic constipation.

Even my brother Tom, who came to visit me the first year I moved back, said, “Damn…the people here walk so slow, don‘t they?”

(and that came from a man who lives in the South)

There’s nothing more irritating than getting STUCK behind people who move as if they're taking their final walk to the execution chamber…

…“Dead man walking!”

Or those indecisive pedestrians who enjoy walking in an S-formation; swerving from side to side because they can't quite figure out which side of the pavement they like best. Which means that everyone behind them is trying to second guess if their next swerve will be to the right or the left.

And I just adore all the walkers who suddenly change lanes without using their blinkers; slamming my body into the side of a building or a city trash can.

But my all-time favorite people are the ones I walk behind, who just STOP in mid-walk because they suddenly remembered they forgot to turn the iron off at home which causes me to RAM into them; having accidental anal intercourse without a lubricant.

I think all these people should be given a $250.00 traffic ticket for illegal moving violations and be required to return to high school to take a 16-week course on "How to Drive Your Body Vehicle" and have it mandatory to graduate with nothing less than a 4.0 average before they're allowed to safely return to the pavement.

Oh hell, I don’t know….

Do you think I’m being too severe?





"Yes, Mommie Dearest"




Wishing you a safe-walking weekend, everyone!

31 comments

  1. yes, mommy, you are but I will give you this--the reference to anal intercourse made me sit up and pay better attention! ;) one never knows, on philly streets or here on your blog, what one just might become enlightened about...I mean is there anal intercourse w/o lubricant??? no no no, nevermind, I don't really want to know but it seemed a contradiction in terms somehow...god, it just gets worse but don't want to delete now so will let that stand and assume you only read my looooooong comments....[mental note: make a little longer than usual] ;)

    so, I wonder if people always do this because I have seen it in SF, seen it here in this small city I live in, seen it in malls inside and out, seen it just about everywhere, even the supermarket or whole foods, that den of enlightened beings, they are swerving as unconsciously as ever.... maybe they need more hand cream? now, where did that come from? maybe they are constipated and .... no no no no no...oh horrors and you know what, I just realized mine is the first comment...

    *grin*

    xoxoxoxo
    love ya, dearie

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  2. Well I don't know about that, but I HATE it when I have no choice but to walk behind someone and they COUGH OR SNEEZE. Traumatized that I got some millions of miles an hour spray on me, all I want to do is find the nearest bathroom and wash my face with whatever soap is there.

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  3. Atta girl Joan You show 'em whose boss.

    Ethel tightens up the go go boots:

    "You keep saying you've got something for me.
    something you call love, but confess.
    You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been a messin'
    and now someone else is gettin' all your best.

    These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
    one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you."

    Now then Joan, put those bad ass boots on and kick some slow walking ass would you.

    You'd never make it here in Hawaii...we saunter...but of course, we are either

    1. Barefoot
    2. Have our slippers on (which you on the mainland call flip flops - Why I don't know because I don't know what's flipping or what's flopping)
    3. Surfing

    Ooo that reminds me:

    "Let's go surfin' now
    Everybody's learning how
    Come on and safari with me
    (Come on and safari with...)"

    So put that in that safari concrete jungle and smoke it. Better yet, stick it up someones slow walking ass and see how fast the smoke rises.

    Much Aloha Joan

    Ethel

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  4. Hi Ron,
    Yes, definately ! People don't know how to walk or lack to common courtesy to excuse themselves through their haste of indifference.

    Walking in any big city can be a real hastle !!

    You live in Philly year long, we are just occasional visitors but I don't remember any particular incident... maybe because we just walked slow & savoured everything while the others ran about us.

    ( Frankly the Historical area was really comfy because the vistors take their time & stroll there. It is really so cooool.

    Big hugs to my my fav Philadelphian !
    XXXX

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  5. No you are not being too severe. What's worse are the morons in the supermarket WTF? They stand with their trolley blocking the aisle or ram the damn thing into your heels!

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  6. Ah, my friend, it is good to see this post again! You must be frustrated. But, keep things in perspective. The absolute world's worst walkers are the Japanese! There are far too many of them for any sidewalk, and they cannot - absolutely cannot - maintain any sense of pace or direction! Neh?

    See you soon!

    EFH

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  7. Same in France!!!! They need to pass
    That same law there,too.

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  8. Good Morning Linda!!!

    How are ya, dear lady?

    So great to see ya!

    Yes....anal intercourse. That's exactly what it feels like when I suddenly slam into them and come back to back....BAM!

    HAHAHAHAHAHHA!

    And yes, honestly, I'm sure people walk like this in many cities, but I've NEVER seen it as much as in Philly. That's why I love NYC...everyone seems to walk at the same speed and in the way, because if don't, you will only get swept away in the momentum. New York is a beautifully organized madness and I LOVE it! One day I will be living there again - yeeepee!

    Yes, my friend...you're the first comment. Thank you!!!

    And thanks so much for dropping by today. You've been in my thoughts lately. Sending you much "good energy!"

    Have a great weekend, Linda!

    X ya too!
    XXXXXX

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  9. Aloha Debi!

    eeeeeeewwww!

    And I know what you mean because I've experienced the same icky thing!!!!

    Between the coughing, sneezing, and spitting....it's one big GERM infested city walk!

    HA!

    Thanks for stopping by, Deb!

    Have a great weekend!!
    X

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  10. Aloha Thom/Nancy!!!

    I LOVE that song!

    It brings back a memory for me when my older sister was having a party one time, and I was SUPPOSED to be sleeping upstairs - but I wasn't. I was in the upstairs hallway dancing up a storm in my pajama's!

    "OK, boots...start WALKIN'....!"

    HAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA!

    No, I'm definitely meant for city life. The way I walk and talk is so city-like. However, I do like to get out of the city now and then, and spend time in the country. There's nothing like it!!!

    Thanks a bunch for stopping by and sharing your much enjoyed daily dose of song and merriment!!!

    You GO, BEACH BOY....GO!

    Have a faaabulous weekend, Ethel!

    Ok...I've got to go and kick some ass, now.

    Joan

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  11. Bonjour Barbara!

    OMG...yes, I've heard that in Paris it's very much the same.

    The area that I live in Philly (Center City) is very different than the rest of the city. It's the HEART of Philly, so it's always bustling. This is were I find the most "walking-insanity."

    Now, the historical area that you speak of, yes, that's definitely more laid back and comfy. That's where I go when I need to chill. It's my favorite part of this city! The architecture in Society Hill - bellissima!

    Always great seeing ya, my Philly friend! And as always....thank you for stopping by!

    X to you and Didier!!!

    Have a great weekend!

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  12. Mornin' Akelamalu!

    Holy moly...yes! yes! yes!

    I think the worst walking traffic is in supermarkets. And I can't tell you how many times I've had one of those trolleys RAM my heels!

    And I really enjoy how some people will walk and then stand right in front of you while your looking at something on a shelf; blocking your view.

    grrrrrrrrr!

    *that's when my Joan Crawford comes out!

    HA!

    Have a great weekend, m'dear!

    Thank you for dropping by!

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  13. Helloooo Expat!

    So great seeing ya!

    Well...having spent some time living in Japan (Kobe) I know exactly what you mean about their massive population condensed in such a small space. I didn't get a chance to visit Toykyo, but I hear that's where the intensity of madness is.

    What I found incredible, was their subway sytem and how everyone PUSHES up against you in order to get inside the subway car. I've never seen so many people crammed inside a subway in all my life!!!

    Thank you for stopping by, Expat!

    Hope you're enjoying your summer!

    Have a great weekend!

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  14. Hiya Leesa!

    As I was just sharing with Barb...

    ...I've heard from so many people who have visited Paris, that it's pretty much the same way!

    I think this law should probably be UNIVERSAL!!!!

    HA!

    GREAT seeing ya, Leesa!

    And hey, I still have three pieces of that delicious chocolate left!!!!

    I'm LOVIN' it!

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  15. Thom-Ethel~
    guess Ron-Joan won't be shopping in the Fort Street Longs. Oh how I LOATHE going to that one. It has bus-sized aisles, and it's 99% confused 100 year olds in there, shuffling or blocking the aisles. It wears my patience (and I got lots!) I just grab whatever I need and G to the F to the O. I went in there because I could use my check card and get cash back while getting my bottled frappuccinos to take on DaBoat. I miss dat ting. :(
    A *very close* second worst is the Ala Moana one.

    "Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
    why she walk like a woman
    and talk like a man
    la la la la lin gl
    la la la la lin gl"

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  16. HHAHAH. i say go for it and then i'll get the law passed here in NJ. i think mall people are brain damaged. nobody walks with a purpose, it's more like roaming aimlessly

    attaching an airbag to my chest. i love it!

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  17. one of the first times I took my son to Manhattan he had a melt down in the middle of 34th Street

    First he started screaming "excuse me!" to all the asshats bumping into him
    ever the polite child

    then he started walking like a chicken, thrusting his arms out and saying "move away, move away"

    finally he summed up his experience - "I hate it here! I have to stand on line to walk"

    what a wonderful child he was

    wanna go for a walk?

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  18. I agree with you Mommy Dearest; people who stop in the middle of the sidewalk for no apparent reason should get an ass beating with a wire hanger...NO. STOPPING. IN. THE. MIDDLE. OF. THE. STREET.

    From Nancy to Joan, and I think she might agree....Boots were made for walking!

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  19. Hiya Valerie!

    Yes, I agree about malls...

    ....it's like everyone is walking around like Stepford People!

    HAHAHA!

    I use to work in malls and do not miss it at all!

    Last year I finally got over to visit Collingswood - do you know it? OMG...I LOVED it! Such a cute artsy town with LOTS of "creative energy." I went during one of their Friday/Saturday open house nights. It was great!

    Oh, yeah...I think I'll see if Chevrolet will sell me an air bag out of one their used cars, do you think?

    HA!

    Always great seeing ya, Val!

    Thank you for stopping by!

    Enjoy your weekend

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  20. OMG....Dianne....what a GREAT story!!!!

    And your son DOES sound wonderful!

    ..."I have to stand on line to walk"...

    bwahahahahahahaha!

    That's SOOOOO true!!!

    Walking in Mahatten is like stepping into ocean and being pulled along by the undertow - you just GO where it takes you.

    And YES, anytime you wanna take a walk, let me know...I'm there!

    ALWAYS a treat seeing ya, dear lady!

    Love ya, bunches!!

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  21. Hiya Funny Girl/Nancy!

    YOU. CRACK. ME. UP!

    That's right...these boots were made for walking...so WALK, people!!!

    OMG...the other day I was walking down Broad Street and some woman stopped DEAD in her tracks...and BAM!!!! I crashed right into her. That's the whole reason why I wrote this post!!!

    Oh...for a wire hanger!!!!

    Thanks for the laugh, Funny Girl!

    Wishing you a grande' weekend!

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  22. Oh One to make me smile!
    you forgot to add the folks who do the bodily functions while walking! The spitters, nose blowers and but pickers! and my personal favorite the ass hats who can not TALK on the PHONE and walk. Because they are not paying any f****ing attention.
    love those guys! especially when they are talking with there hands and spin around and smack you, then GLARE at you like why were YOU standing where they needed to be gesticulating.
    Tickets?
    naaaa
    public stoning!!!!

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  23. Hiya Lady Sorrow~

    BRAVA!!!!!!!!!

    applause...applause...applause!!

    I give you a standing ovation!

    You said it.

    ...Tickets?
    naaaa
    public stoning!!!!
    ...

    YES!

    My personal favorite are ones who TEXT MESSAGE and try to WALK at the same time! And these are the same people who can't chew gum and walk at the same time!

    HA!

    Thank you SOOOOOOOOOOO much for sharing in my madness.

    I love ya!!!

    Have a great weekend, dear lady!

    Love,
    Mommie Dearest
    X

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  24. No, you are not being too harsh. This is one of the reasons I don't miss living in the city. Believe it or not London is worse.
    Will be in Philadelphia next weekend and now can't wait to see how painfully slow the pedestrians are.

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  25. Mornin' Jen!

    I had a commentor once, share that London is INSANE!

    I've been to Europe, but only to Amsterdam and Belgium, both of which I loved, but seemed tame compared to places like Philly or NYC.

    OMG...you're going to be in Philly next weekend?? Depending on how busy your schedule is, and if you feel like it, feel free to email me if you would like to grab a cup of coffee. If not this time, maybe next. I know you lived here before, but wait until you see how much more crowded it's gotten.

    (don't forget to wear your air bag)

    HA!

    Thanks for dropping by, Jen!

    Enjoy your weekend!

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  26. I'm sorry Mommy. I'll only walk on one side of the sidewalk and I promise not to dilly dally. Love, Christina

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  27. Dearest Christina....

    Mommy is so proud of you, so on your next birthday I'll let you keep ALL your presents.

    bwhahahahahahahahahaha!

    Love,
    Mommie Dearest
    X

    *wink*

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  28. *laughing*

    C'mon...I live in smalltown Iowa.

    WHAT sidewalk traffic?

    I admit, I wander and ramble. But I've learned to stay the heck out of the paths of those on a walk mission.

    HOLY moly...duck lower, run faster...and stay the heck outta their way!

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  29. Mornin' Mel!

    *laughing*

    You are so cute, dear lady!

    ...HOLY moly...duck lower, run faster...and stay the heck outta their way!.....

    I bet that's what the people here think when they see "me" coming!!!

    I'm like a race car!

    Hope you're having a GRANDE' Sunday with 26YO and himself....and the "little one."

    Thanks for stopping by!

    X

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  30. After being in an Orlando theme park this weekend, I want you to pass the same law there. I swear, people walk through the gates and their brains no longer work. Not only is it 500 degrees but now you've got sweaty zombies walking hither and yon with no purpose.

    Where's Joan when you need her!

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  31. Hiya Nitebyrd!

    OMG...having lived in Orlando for fifteen years and going to Disney during the summer months, I SOOOOO understand what you mean!!!

    Something happens to people the second they walk through that gate. It's like their brains shut off and they start acting like those irritating zombie puppets in "It's a Small World."

    I think they need to have a Joan Crawford character walking around Disney with a wire hanger!!!

    HA!

    Thanks for stopping by, Sis!

    X

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