Monday, August 03, 2009

Strange and Bizarre Acts

I’ve often wondered when people do strange and bizarre things, why I seem to be the one and only person who ends up witnessing them.

I truly think I must be a “bizarre magnet” that says… "Please feel free to act as strange as you wish because I’m unshakable.”

I’ve see a plethora of bizarre things in my life, but what I witnessed on the train coming back from NYC Saturday evening was a 10 on the Richter scale of bizarreness. And after viewing what I witnessed, I now know that if I should die tomorrow…I have lived a full and rich life.

First of all, my train trip back from NYC was horrendous. I unfortunately ended up taking a seat in a car that was filled with children who had obviously been downing heavy amounts of sugary, caffeinated soft drinks all afternoon. For an hour and a half, I had the immense pleasure of listening to a car filled with SCREAMING banshee-children. The train was filled to capacity, so I had nowhere else to move. And by the time I got to New Jersey for my transfer, every single nerve in my body was twitching and quivering.

As soon as the train pulled into the station I RAN to catch my connection and found a nice quiet car occupied with only a few people. So I took a seat, closed my eyes and decided to take a nap for an hour.

That is…

…until the car began to fill with the SAME screaming children from the other train.

SHIT….THEY WERE FOLLOWING ME!!!

So, I grabbed my backpack and walked three cars ahead, where I found a totally unoccupied one.

And after I took a seat, I began to silently pray, “Please God, I ask only one thing from you right now. No SCREAMING children in this car…PLEASE!”

And He answered my prayer.

However….He substituted the children for something completely different.

After about five minutes of sitting there in silent bliss, I noticed a nice, normal-looking gentleman walk into the car and take a seat on the opposite side, about four rows ahead of me.

He seemed quiet and harmless enough.

Well…

…about two minutes later, I began to hear the sound of dripping water. The dripping water then turned into the sound of running water. Then the running water turned into the sound of gushing water.

And I’m thinking to myself, “Where the HELL is that water-sound coming from?”

So I peeked my head around the side of the seat in front of me to see if I could notice anything unusual, and do you know what I saw?

I saw the nice, normal-looking gentleman who was sitting four rows ahead of me PEEING over the front of his seat.

That’s right.

And has I brought my head down a little lower, so I could get a better look under his seat….I saw both his hairy legs spread wide apart, as a waterfall of urine cascaded between his ugly flip-flops.

This guy must have had a bladder the size of a horse because the amount of water on the floor resembled Lake Michigan.

I kid you not.

I honestly didn’t think it was possible for a human being to void that much urine.

Now, here’s the best part of this story….

After he was finished, he waggled his penis to make sure it was nice and dry before he threw it back into his shorts. Then he stood up…IN HIS OWN URINE…and walked out of his seat, down the water-soaked isle, and into another car.

And here’s an even better part of this story…

As the train began to move forward; out of the station, all his urine began rolling down the isle…

…towards ME.







Moral of this story: Be very specific when praying to God - because He has a wicked sense of humor.