I Truly Needed a Gas Mask



I felt the desire to document this experience on the Internet, because I may want to someday go back into my blog archives and reread it if I should ever begin to think that my life lacks luster.

One day last week while I was taking a 20 minute work break, I needed to use the restroom at a Starbucks after consuming a GRANDE cup of java.

There was quite a long waiting line outside of the men’s room; looking as if every man in Philadelphia needed to take a leak at the same time. But I had to go BAD, so I waited.

When it came my turn to use the restroom, the gentleman who had been ahead of me came rushing out of the john with his head nervously looking at the floor while drying his hands with a paper towel.

His actions felt a bit odd, but I didn’t give it any further thought.

Until…

…I walked into the restroom and closed the door.

And then it HIT me.

Directly in my olfactory’s.

Apparently, he had done a #2 and it’s fragrant after-glow was left lingering in the air like an invisible fog of DEATH.

I literally thought it was going to singe my nose hair.

It smelled as if I was standing in the middle of an elephant tent at a Barnum and Bailey Circus.

So I held my breath and peed as fast as I could because I needed to get the hell out of there before I perished.

And as I’m standing there washing my hands, something very enlightening dawned on me…

“The next person who comes into the restroom is going to think that I’M responsible for leaving this odor.”

So I took a handful of paper towels and started FANNING the air; trying to disburse the retched odor, but that only seemed to EXPAND it.

“Oh dear god, where’s a pack of matches when you need one?”

No, I was doomed…

…I had no other choice than to walk out of the restroom with my head looking nervously at the floor while drying my hands with a paper towel.

And for the future, I seriously think that STINKY gentleman needs to buy a CARTON of this….






38 comments

  1. Ron lemme be frank and say the end of your post was what i was planning to pen as my comment. The moment you described the guy before you leaving and then you noticing the aftermath of "his", i thought "uhhhuu he might not be the real culprit and the guy next is going to think the same about me." And oh boy have i been in such situations?.. many times i say. Sometimes not for fragrant fog but even visual mud of slippery death as you would say.

    And now that we are on this topic, have you ever faced a situation when you had worst day sitting at toilet seat, all was done and then it rose on you that flush doesn't work? Happened with me once and i remember me spending around 20 mins inside to make sure no one was waiting outside. Poor guy whoever followed. But sometimes such needs force you to save your butt first than thinking about others.

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  2. Uh huh.....

    Surrrrrrrrrrrrrre it was the guy before you.
    Ya think we've not heard that story before?!

    *shaking head and laughing*

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  3. This is SUCH my worst nightmare. Seriously, every time I go into a stinky bathroom I feel the need to be all like "dudes, that was so not me who took a giant dump".

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  4. That is the worst. And, it is so amazing how all of us are so embarrassed even though we weren't the ones to make the offending odor. No one wants to have the next person think it was us.

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  5. Wow, not to make fun of your misery, but I was hysterically laughing when reading your story.

    Great post. And I'm sorry to hear that your nose hairs were destroyed. Yuck.

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  6. Hey Amit!

    It's so GREAT seeing ya, buddy!

    ...visual mud of slippery death as you would say...

    bwahahahahahahahhaha!

    That was so funny because I know exactly what you MEAN!!!

    And YES! I have faced a situation in a public restroom when the toilet doesn't flush, but fortunately I've never had it be #2 only #1.

    *too much information, I know.

    HA!

    Anway, Amit...thanks so much for dropping by!

    Hope all is well, and that you enjoyed your summer!

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  7. Howdy Mel!

    NO..I SWEAR TO GOD...IT WASN'T ME!!!

    I can't even do a #2 in a public restroom.

    *I'm too shy.

    HA!

    Always great seeing ya, dear lady!

    Thanks for dropping by!

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  8. Greetings Lora!

    Welcome! Thanks for stopping by and sharing a comment.

    Nice to meet ya!

    Yeah, me too. I think ALL public restrooms should supply this Poo Potpourri Spray for those "dumpy moments" as a basic courtesy.

    HA!

    Stop by anytime, Lora.

    You're always welcomed.

    Enjoy your day!

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  9. Helloooo Jen!

    Ain't it the truth???

    Who wants to have the next person think it was ME????

    For as open and free as I can be about a lot of stuff...things like this embarrass the hell out of me!?!

    Oh...and also farting.

    HA!

    ALWAYS great seeing ya, my friend!

    Enjoy your day!

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  10. Hey Constant Complainer!

    So nice to see ya!

    Oh, I think it's FUN to make fun of misery, so I'm GLAD you enjoyed!

    Yeah...I won't have to be bothered with trimming my nose hairs until December!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Have a great day, bud!

    Thank you for stopping by!

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  11. LOL I was going to say the exact same thing - I bet they thought it was you. I've been in that situation and it's embarrassing! :0

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  12. Ron you never cease to amaze me with the subjects you present on this site.
    When this happens to me I walk out of the door and look at the next guy in line and say please forgive me but I am part of a test on a new type of bean. This bean is a very potent one and it causes a man to defecate like dumbo and smell like the center of a cattle farm on a hot humid day in the middle of the summer.

    I then give him two wads of rolled up toilet paper and tell him to placed the paper up his nose and have a go at the JOHN.

    I then walk a little further away and say just go in and do what you have to do. I know my shit.

    Now I will leave you for another movement

    Billy Craper

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  13. forgive my absence here oh great one! what's up ron.

    hahahahahah!

    OH MAN! don't you hate walking in on a stink bomb. then you want to get out of there before people think it was you that left that nasty deposit. i guess that is what the bathroom is for but dannnnnnng.

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  14. Oh, poor you! I feel your pain. I was thinking "matches!" WAY before you said it...great minds....
    As a girlie-girl, I am incapable of such a vile act. Everything that comes out of me smells like roses!

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  15. Hello Akelamalu!

    Yup!

    I bet they thought it was me TOO!!!

    I scurried out of that bathroom and never looked up!

    HA!

    Oh well...I can always purchase some Poo Potpourri!

    Thanks for stopping by, m'dear!

    Hope you had a great day!

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  16. OMG...Dave/Billy Craper!!!

    And you never cease to amaze me with your brilliant comments!!!

    I laughed so hard, I POOPED!

    And your closing line was flawless...

    ...I then walk a little further away and say just go in and do what you have to do. I know my shit...

    HAHAHHAHAHA!

    BRAVO!

    As always, my friend...THANK YOU for always adding your wonderful wit!!!

    Much enjoyed!

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  17. Hiya Valerie!!!!

    It's SOOOOOOOO great seeing ya, girl!

    No problem, my friend...I enjoy whenEVER you stop by!

    YEAH...and this gentleman left a STINK BOMB to top ALL stink bombs!!

    PEEEE-U!!!!

    Thanks for dropping by today, Val!

    Hope all is well and that you had a Happy Labor Day!

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  18. Kathryn...you always CRACK ME UP!!!

    ...As a girlie-girl, I am incapable of such a vile act. Everything that comes out of me smells like roses!

    bwhahahahahahaha!

    You GO, girl!

    Oh dear god....I was wishing for a pack of matches MORE than you could ever know! I always carry a pack or two in my backpack, but unfortunately I left the damn thing at home!?!"!*

    ALWAYS great seeing ya, my friend!

    Thanks for dropping by!

    Hope you had a MARVI day!

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  19. for all we know that mess could have been there all day!!

    I do like your product idea

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  20. Hi Dianne!

    Ya know, you're right - it could have been there all day for all I know.

    So forgive me stinky man.

    HA!

    OMG...don't you just love the idea of this product? I found the image on the internet, so I have no idea if this stuff actually exists?!!?

    Thanks for dropping by, dear lady!

    And aren't you just LOVIN' this fall weather???

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  21. So funny! We have a one person unisex bathroom on our floor at work and I think the same thing.

    To make matters worse, the offender will leave the door almost closed. Hello...there's no fan in there! Leave it open to air it out, for God's sake.

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  22. Hiya Chrissy!

    Hello...there's no fan in there! Leave it open to air it out, for God's sake.

    TOOOOO FUNNY, girl!

    I've also had a job where the boys and girls shared the same bathroom and my boss was fanatical about leaving "poo odor" behind, so she always had a few Glade air-neutralizer sprays stocked up!

    Thanks for stopping by, my friend!

    Hope you had a great day!

    Give Bern a hug for me!

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  23. Now why are you trying to blame ManStink on someone else? Typical.

    I'm here me dahling. I'm sorry I haven't been active, haven't been blogging. Will email you.

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  24. Aloha Debi!

    OMG!!!!!!!!!!!

    You're back!!!!!!

    SOOOOOOOO great too see ya!

    You've been missed, my friend!

    I know...I know...since posting this, I've realized from certain comments that STINK MAN may NOT be the cause a POO odor, when in fact, it could have been the a STINK MAN before him!

    HAHAHAHAHA!

    Well, who ever it was...NEEDS to carry Poo Potpourri.

    OR, better yet...maybe all public restrooms should.

    Thanks for stopping by, Debi!

    I'll await your email.

    X

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  25. You know what's worse then this situation? When someone is using a pubilc restroom and you can HEAR the person making the stink bomb. Pffft, pffft, the slash, then ohhh and ahhh...then when you hear oh my god before it is all repeated again.

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  26. I wonder if the guy in front of THAT guy was the one who left the bomb in there...
    Who knows how many people were affected, including the guy in line behnd you, and behind him.

    That's hysterical.
    :-)

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  27. LOL I know exactly how you feel!! The one Barnes I go to has a bit of an old bathroom and sometimes has an odor in there even if no one has done poopage. But when they do ... OMG... I have to try and hurry to get out so no one will think it was me. LOL

    Funny stuff.

    Okay, this may be TMI, but I will do #2 in a store rest room if absolutely positively necessary... but I always courtesy flush as I'm doing it. ;) No one else in my family will though. They'll prairie dog it all the way home in agony to avoid possible public humiliation. LOL

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  28. OMG...Funny Girl...

    YOU ARE A FREAKIN' RIOT!!!!

    Bwhahahahahhahaha!

    And I SOOOOOOOO know what you mean because I've heard that MANY times while in a men's room. And the funniest part is the ohhh and ahhh...RELIEF!

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    I can't stop laughing at you comment!

    Thanks for the AWESOME morning laugh, FG!

    You made my day!

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  29. Good Morning Nancy!

    In all actuality it could have been anyone prior to the guy in front of me who left the poo odor, but OMG... from the STRENGTH of it's after-glow, it smelled like it JUST happened.

    That fragrance will be engraved in my olfactories for LIFE!

    HAHAHAHHHAHA!

    Thanks for dropping by, Nancy!

    Always so nice seeing ya!

    Enjoy your day!

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  30. Hiya Crystal Chick!

    ...They'll prairie dog it all the way home in agony to avoid possible public humiliation...

    bwhahahahahaha!

    I've never heard that expression before (prairie dog it), but that's a hysterical!!

    You GO, girl! I WISH I could go #2 in public restroom, but it truly is impossible for me. I've actually had to walk home from work (in an emergency situation) to poo and then walked back.

    Thanks for stopping by, M!

    Always a HOOT!

    LOVIN' this fall weather, aren't you?

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  31. Ron, I have a thing about pooping at work or in public restrooms - I don't. My bowels are obedient and always work at home, in private.

    I can't understand people that go to the mall or doctor's office and find THAT'S the perfect time to purge themselves of whatever they've eaten in the last 24 hours. I've had to hold my breath and had tears running out of my eyes because of inconsiderate people. Once in a VERY great while, I've had to use a public facility which is why I always carry a purse size spray bottle of OdoBan.

    I know everyone poops but I wish they'd do it at home away from me.

    My heart goes out to you, bro!

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  32. haha. I have had this happen to me too except I was sure to state "that stink isn't mine, plug your nose" on the way out. Whether they believed me is a whole different story I suppose :)

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  33. THANK YOU, Nitebyrd~

    My senitments exactly!

    And I'm the same way, my bowels literally CAN'T move other than in the privacy of my own home, my mom's house, or something like a hotel room, but in PUBLIC...forget it!

    ....OdoBan, I've never heard of that, but I need to see if they carry it in a grocery/drug store. Thanks for the poo tip!

    HA!

    Hope you had great day, Sis!

    Thanks for dropping by!

    X ya!

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  34. Hi Christa!

    OH...you have no idea how much I wanted to say something like that on my way out of the restroom, but I thought it would only make it point to ME!!!

    HA!

    Aren't I SILLY?

    Thanks for dropping by, Christa!

    Hope you had great day!

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  35. ron, one never knows what one will walk into in a public restroom or here....hahahahaha...have missed you sweetie pie, seems we are coming and going at different times lately!

    this is such a funny post but to me, the very very very worst thing ever is not the stink bombs of previous poopers but flushing my own delicate leavings and watching in horror as the water level rises... and rises.... and rises... and doesn't stop until....oh GOOD GOD IN HEAVEN PLEASE NOOOOOOOOOOO


    :D

    xoxoxoxoxo

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  36. Helloooo Linda!

    bwhahahahahahhahaha!

    OMG...you are SOOOOO right!

    I've had that happen to me before too! The damn toilet is CLOGGED and my delicate leavings (pee only) comes rising to top like a volcano!

    HA!

    I've taken this weekend to watch some movies and spend some time offline, so I've been quiet the past few day. But...I'll be back in full swing on Monday.

    Thanks for dropping by, my dear friend!

    Hope you're having a FAAAABULOUS weekend!

    xoxoxo

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  37. Ron! In just a matter of moments you have become my newest best friend! I am sitting here at work (I'm a nanny, but have no fear...the baby is fast asleep), surfing away and decided to research what makes or breaks a blog. Hopefully my very own blog will be up and running within the week. Anyway, I googled 'most popular personal blogs' and with a click here and a click there I came across yours! Enough with this too long of an intro and on to my very first comment (you can be sure this is not the last you see of me).
    I think, well actually, more like I know that everyone has been in the "Hey that's not my stink!" situation and yes, admittedly at one time or another have actually been the culprit. Luckily for me I am very secure with myself and have no qualms admitting when I did the deed. Hey people, it's natural, it's part of life and in some very indirect and twisted way, a beautiful thing! Nobody's s**t doesn't stink. Just suck it up! Nontheless, I do feel for you and send much sympathy your way for having to experience this almost life altering moment. BUT, being of the opposite sex, not only do us ladies have to deal with the unnecessary stink factor but we also endure the dreadful deed of having to wipe foreign pee off of a toilet seat. You would think that women squating or not, have pretty good aim hovering right over the bowl but you are strongly mistaken. I admit, I have definitely sprinkled at times depending on my sobriety level or maybe just on the verge of wetting myself because I just had to watch the last 5 minutes of a fabulous show, but seriously, I wipe my mess away! I have lost count of how many times I have cleaned up a public toilet just so the next person wouldn't think it was I who marked my territory. Try having to do that AND not even get paid for it! I recommend a pair of latex gloves along with that gas mask.

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  38. Welcome Naomi!

    Greetings!

    And thanks SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much for stopping by and leaving me a HYSTERICAL comment!

    OMG...I laughed so hard, I was coughing!!

    You are VERY funny!

    A while back (almost a year ago) I wrote a post about how I like to pee sitting down, EXCEPT when I use a men's public restroom because of how sloppy most men pee and how they leave the toilet rim soaking wet. And it amazed me how MANY of my female readers shared the same THING that you shared about women's public restrooms. So I guess it's the same in BOTH restrooms.

    I'm like you...if I accidentally do a little sprinkle on the seat, I will always wipe it up for the next person.

    Anyway, thanks again for stopping by and sharing a great comment, Naomi. You made my evening!

    And please be sure to stop by and let me know when your blog is up and running - I will definitely stop by and check it out. I have a feeling it's going to be great!

    Please stop by anytime. You're always welcomed!

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