Wednesday, September 09, 2009

I Truly Needed a Gas Mask

I felt the desire to document this experience on the Internet, because I may want to someday go back into my blog archives and reread it if I should ever begin to think that my life lacks luster.

One day last week while I was taking a 20 minute work break, I needed to use the restroom at a Starbucks after consuming a GRANDE cup of java.

There was quite a long waiting line outside of the men’s room; looking as if every man in Philadelphia needed to take a leak at the same time. But I had to go BAD, so I waited.

When it came my turn to use the restroom, the gentleman who had been ahead of me came rushing out of the john with his head nervously looking at the floor while drying his hands with a paper towel.

His actions felt a bit odd, but I didn’t give it any further thought.

Until…

…I walked into the restroom and closed the door.

And then it HIT me.

Directly in my olfactory’s.

Apparently, he had done a #2 and it’s fragrant after-glow was left lingering in the air like an invisible fog of DEATH.

I literally thought it was going to singe my nose hair.

It smelled as if I was standing in the middle of an elephant tent at a Barnum and Bailey Circus.

So I held my breath and peed as fast as I could because I needed to get the hell out of there before I perished.

And as I’m standing there washing my hands, something very enlightening dawned on me…

“The next person who comes into the restroom is going to think that I’M responsible for leaving this odor.”

So I took a handful of paper towels and started FANNING the air; trying to disburse the retched odor, but that only seemed to EXPAND it.

“Oh dear god, where’s a pack of matches when you need one?”

No, I was doomed…

…I had no other choice than to walk out of the restroom with my head looking nervously at the floor while drying my hands with a paper towel.

And for the future, I seriously think that STINKY gentleman needs to buy a CARTON of this….