Blog Interview: Confessions of Me



Today’s interview is very special…..

I just recently discovered the blog Confessions of Me and have not only enjoyed the authors stories, which primarily focus on the calamities of what it’s like to wait tables for a living, but more so have enjoyed getting to know the author herself.

(who goes by the name: Brndoutw8ress)

When I first clicked over to her blog there was something about the bold fusion of frankness, rawness, and sarcastic humor that made me feel comfortable in being there. I immediately got a sense of honesty and openness about the heart of the author.

Last week she posted an introductory speech that she had to deliver for her Oral Communications class; asking her readers for their feedback.

And it was at this time I discovered that she previously had an addiction to heroin.

Later that day I emailed her and asked if she would be willing to share an interview about her addiction on my blog, which she graciously consented to.

It was then that I realized what I had initially felt about her, was true…

…she is a totally open and honest heart.

So, it is with great pride and admiration that I introduce you to the fine lady behind the blog Confessions of Me.

Welcome…..


What lead you to the use of heroin? And how old were you?

The first drug I ever used was alcohol, I was 12 years old. Like most teens I experimented with alcohol and pot, but unlike my friends my experimenting turned quickly into a habit. As I continued to use, my disease progressed and at the age of 19 I shot my first dose of heroin.

How long were you a user?

I used drugs in general for 16 years, and heroin specifically for 9 years.

Besides the physical addiction, what is it about heroin that made you continue to use?

Heroin allowed me to escape from the guilt and shame, the loneliness, the unattained dreams, basically from myself. I used heroin to kill the pain that consumed my life. No matter how many times I’d tell myself that I was quitting, I couldn’t stop; I had to use in order to live my life.

How did your use of heroin affect your family and friendships?

Heroin ripped my family to pieces. That’s the thing about drug addiction; it affects everyone involved with the addict. My family didn’t trust me, whenever I would be at someone’s house all the women would hide their purses, they knew I’d steal their money and credit cards. I broke my mother’s heart over and over again until she finally had enough and cut me off completely. I had no contact with her for over three years; however, my father never lost hope in me and we continued to stay in touch, but he kept a safe distance from me.

Tell us about the moment when you finally said to yourself, “It’s time to stop and get clean”.

I had relapsed after having about 2 years clean. My ex had cheated on me and left our apartment and I was so devastated that I was contemplating suicide. I had only been using for like three weeks and already I was starting to see the ramifications of what I was doing (again) to myself. When you have clean time and you start using again, you know better, your conscience screams at you, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, you know this is out of control, there’s a better way!

I woke up from a 2 day binge and looked around my apartment at all of the material things that I had accumulated again and I knew that if I did not stop right then and there I was going to lose all that shit again, and honestly I don’t think I had the fight in me anymore. I made a decision that morning that I would not succumb to that bag of powder ever again; it had robbed me of too much already and I would not allow it to win again. The following day I went to the methadone clinic and thankfully have not looked back.

Are you currently attending a support group?

At this point in my life I do not choose to attend 12 step meetings. I had in the past, but I had a bad experience with NA so I use what I learned there and implement the knowledge in my everyday life. I would suggest AA or NA to someone that is just starting out because it does work; although, I do not think that the program is the end-all, be-all that they claim it to be.

I am currently on a methadone maintenance program where I receive a daily dose of methadone and also receive individual/group therapy two hours a month. There’s a lot of controversy surrounding methadone, but hey it works for me! I plan on someday getting off of it, but not until I’m comfortable enough with myself to make that decision.

How has your life change since you’ve stopped using?

WOW, where do start! My life has turned around completely in every aspect. I am able to hold down a job. I am working on earning a college degree, I pay ALL my bills ON TIME, and most importantly I am rebuilding the relationships with my family that had been destroyed by my addiction. I have also come to be able to love myself and be content with who I am; for once in my life I am able to just be me!

What has been the main reaction of people who you’ve confided in that you were a heroin user?

Disbelief! They pretty much all say the same thing, “Well you don’t look like a heroin addict”. I just laugh when I hear this response because people’s misconceptions of what a junkie looks like are way out of whack! People have an image of a drug addict in their minds so when they see someone who looks “normal” that image changes, but this is a good thing. I think that we need to make people aware of the epidemic our country is in and hopefully start to save some of these kids before it is too late.

If you could share the most positive thing that came out of this experience what would it be?

The most amazing thing to me to come out of that hell is the sense of self that I now possess. I learned that I am a SURVIVOR! You may not realize the amount of work and determination that goes into fueling a drug habit, it takes a certain amount of loyalty that most people wouldn’t be able to commit to. If I was able to work that hard at staying high, imagine what I can accomplish when I put this work into something positive!







Please Note: Brndoutw8ress will be responding to all comments on this post, so please feel free to talk openly with her. Thank you.

36 comments

  1. Hi Ronnie & hi Brndout,

    I have to first say "Bravo" for sharing your story. I'm sure that it was liberating for you to talk about your addiction. Then again, I know that you will be finding people in your blog who you will be able to help.

    I myself have never been addicted to a substance.That hardly makes me a saint it just means that I have never lived through this myself.

    If I can wish you anything it's strenght to continue your ^treatment and faith in yourself that you can make it.

    Don't look on the pasts and it's hurts; look towards the future and it's potential for happiness.

    Hugs to you and to my buddy Ronnie
    xxxxxxxx

    Barbara

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  2. Hey Ron!

    Wonderful interview, as always...

    Hello,Brndoutw8ress!
    What an amazing journey you've lived...and how proud you should be that you've come out the other side! You are an inspiration to anyone to thinks that there's no way out, or that things can't possibly get better. A lot of people feel that kind of dispair and it's reassuring to know that with perserverance and courage, one can reach the other side. Thanks for such a candid look into your world.

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  3. Bonjour Barbara!

    Thank you so much for stopping by, my friend!

    X ya a bunch!

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  4. Good Morning Kathryn

    Thank you....!

    And thanks for dropping by...X!

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  5. Wow. Great interview. I'm glad to have met Brndout and will be visiting her site, because it looks awesome (I am a former burned out waitress).

    I'm so glad she shared so many important aspects of drug addiction -- one of the most important, in my opinion, is the old "you don't LOOK like an addict." Addicts are EVERYbody. They are mothers and librarians and students and politicians.

    Making the distinction between these so-called normal people and the stereotypical homeless drug addict begging on the streets diminishes the magnitude of the problem. And the "normals" AREN'T just using "nice" drugs like Xanax and Vicodin. Sadly, this is because those drugs often lead to rougher stuff.

    I'm really inspired by Brndout's story and wish her the very best!

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  6. Lora...thanks for dropping by my Philly friend X!

    JD....always great seeing ya. Thanks for dropping by X!

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  7. Barbara,
    "Don't look on the pasts and it's hurts; look towards the future and it's potential for happiness". Thank you for your words of truth, I couldn't have said them better myself! Hugs right back atchya!

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  8. Kathryn,
    While I am definately proud of myself I don't become prideful--that's when the trouble starts. It's in that split second of cockiness that addiction will slip back in and take over my life again. Thank you for your kind words and I sure do hope that I can inspire someone out there who is struggling. If I can do it anyone can!

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  9. Lora,
    Thanks for stopping over and for your praise!

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  10. JD,
    Looking forward to seeing you over at Confessions of me! "They are mothers and librarians and students and politicians". All too true, and these are the misconceptions that I'd like to see dispelled. As human beings I think we "hide" behind certain stereotypes so once we acknowledge that addicts are just people like ourselves, maybe we can help them out of their misery!

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  11. A very frank and interesting interview - thankyou for sharing and I hope things will just get better and better for you. :)

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  12. First off I want to thank Ron for posting this and Brndoutw8ress for being willing to be so honest and open. I struggle with the same problem and after reading this...it's very inspiring I guess the word would be. So thank you, I needed to read something like this. (: Congrats btw for reaching a point that most addicts don't until it's too late.

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  13. Been my recent pleasure to find Brndoutw8ress - very likely via a link on this blog. Great interview Ron, and you do indeed rock, Brndout.

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  14. That was brave, thank you for sharing.

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  15. To:Akelamalu, Insanity, Tatttiara, Jordasche....

    Thank you all for stopping by and sharing on this post....X!

    Enjoy your weekend!

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  16. k....Ron--you knew this one would make me weepy, didn't ya? Sheeeeeshhh.
    Excellent choice. I appreciate the support for a fellow journeyer.



    brndout--the pleasure is all mine, truly.
    Been there--got to trudge through the muck and the mire to become the ME I'd always been and just could NOT see. All I could see was the circumstances.....and I proclaimed them to be my destiny.

    Thank G-d for the help of others, the introduction into a different way of living that I had NO idea existed, and no real hope of ever having for myself.
    I was graced to have some wonderful people who walked the journey with me.
    And no--A.A. and N.A. were not and are not the end all and be all for me either....my relationship with my G-d, my SELF and other human beings has been.

    (((((((((( brndout )))))))))

    I'm glad you've discovered there's more to life than surving--cuz seriously.....LIVING life rocks, today!

    Congratulations to you ma'am.
    I'm proud for you.
    (Better me than thee.....LOL I know FULL well where that cockiness can lead! Been there, done that....and can most certain be there again!) ;-)

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  17. Hiya Mel!

    Thank you SOOOOO much for stopping by and sharing, dearest lady!

    I LOVE ya, bunches!!!!

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  18. Hi Brndout - brava on your journey and on being such an open person

    I wish you continued success and much happiness

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  19. Congratulations on your success in staying clean this time. I cannot imagine how difficult this has been for you. I appreciate your honesty. Not everyone is willing to lay it all out there like you have done. Good luck in your future endeavors.

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  20. Akelamalu,
    that's the most rewarding thing about getting clean...things just keep getting better for me! My worst day clean is 1000x better than my best day using! thanks for stopping by!

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  21. Insanity,
    You are the reason for us doing this interview, thank you so much for your admission of struggling. The best advice I can give you is Stick with it!No matter what happens just remember that YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE AGAIN! Hang in there and know that I'm pulling for you--you can do it! I'll be sure to stop by and check on you!

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  22. Tattytiara,
    Aw thanks for saying that I rock, but I couldn't have done this without Ron--he Rocks too! I am full of hope today after reading all of these wonderful comments. Its been a pleasure meeting you as well.

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  23. Jordashe,
    I was taught that the only way I can stay clean is by sharing my story. I thought that meant with other addicts only but after doing this I realize that nonaddicts need to hear this stuff too! So thanks for your wonderful praise!

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  24. Mel,
    Hello fellow journeyer! It was refreshing to find out that there's someone else out there who feels like I do about the rooms. I get alot of shit from members when I run into them for not attending, but I must do what's right for me!

    Indeed Living life Rocks! It seems kinda silly looking back now at the way I used to live; fueling my addiction was harder work than what I'm doing now--full-time student and working.

    And congrats to you to ma'am! I love hearing about others overcoming their struggles! Keep going it only gets better from here!

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  25. Dianne,
    Thank you! Even if I never make a million dollars, staying clean is enough of a success for me! Look for me on your blog, I'll definately be stopping by!

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  26. Thanks for sharing this story. I too was an opiate addict who is now on MMT therapy. Traditional treatment (abstinance programs) failed for me as well and just when I thought I was a hopeless case, I was introduced to MMT. So much negativity surrounds MMT and other ORT (opiate replacement therapy) forms of treatment. It isn't for everyone, but for those of us who traditional therapy doesn't help, ORT gives you your life back. It has been a long struggle for me and methadone gave me my life back. I too hear all the time that people can't believe I was ever an addict. My husband is a detective and has been in law enforcement our 16yrs of marriage, we both are very active in our chuch as youth pastors, he plays keyboard and bass guitar and I sing. We travel around to other church's and share our ministry we feel we have and we have 2 wonderful boys ages 9 and 10. We are well respected people in our community so when I do share my story with ppl, they are shocked and say I don't look like a drug addict. I agree with what she said, ppl have such a screwed up view of what an addict is......we are not the drug crazed person running around w/needles hanging out of our pockets.......we are your neighbors, we are your teachers, we are your police officers and most of all we ARE people too. thanks for sharing.

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  27. Wow! What an inspiring story. I am really so proud of you, Brndoutw8ress. I think it is an inspiring story for anyone with an addiction and it doesn't necessarily have to be drugs. The point is, you overcame it. Your strength, your will, your determination.......put a stop to your addiction and that is an incredibly amazing feat. Some people (like me), can't even stop eating!

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  28. To: Dianne, Jen, Ruthann, and Mamapumpkin...

    Thank you all for stopping by and sharing on this post.

    X

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  29. Ruthann,
    Congrats on your success with MMT! I understand what you mean about people not agreeing with it, but thats only because most of the time they are misinformed. People don't look at diabetics taking insulin funny and methadone is like my insulin--it sustains my life! thanks for sharing a bit about yourself with me. Hang in there!

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  30. Mamapumkin,
    Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel really good about doing this interview, the responses have all been so positive. I agree with you about addictions other than drugs. No matter what the substance, it is the same powerlessness that controls the person. Patience, understanding and determination are the keys to success!

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  31. Ron, thank you for finding another wonderful person to share with us!!!
    Brndoutw8ress, congrats on getting yourself off of the drug. It's not an easy thing. I will be sober 8 years on this November 21. A long road, but worth it. Thank you for giving us your story & being here to do it.

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  32. A brave post and interview, Ron! I grew up with many who had addictions and it ain't easy. It seemed everyone was trying something!

    Brndoutw8tress, all the best to you! xo

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  33. To: Colette and Petra!

    Thank you lovely ladies for dropping by and sharing on this post!

    Hope you're having a GRAND Sunday!

    X ya's!

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  34. Brndoutw8ress,

    Thanks for your openness in sharing your story. I'm so glad that you are a survivor! I'm sure you'll be able to attain any goals you set for yourself.

    Another awesome choice, Ron! Sorry I'm a little late in catching up on my fave blogs.

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  35. OMG...Chrissy!!!

    This is too funny, because I JUST this second finished commenting on YOUR blog!!!

    No worries, my wonderful friend. I LOVE whenever you stop by!

    Hope you had a great weekend!

    Thanks for stopping by!

    X

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