Monday, May 09, 2011

The Big Buddy Bra

I cannot believe I’m actually going to confess this on the Internet, but what the hell, I’ve already confessed so many naughty and SICK things I’ve done as a child on this blog, I thought to myself, “What’s one more?”

When I was a kid, my ultimate goal was to get a job at a department store called Grants.

Grants went out of business a trillion years ago, and probably because of what I’m about to share with you.

I was one of those kids who couldn’t wait until I was old enough to get my social security card, so I could immediately start applying for a job.

I eagerly anticipated working because I wanted my own money to buy whatever my heart desired. I was a very independent child and hated to ask my parents for money to buy all the luxuries a 15 year old fantasizes about having.

Such as, an unlimited supply of bubble gum.

Now, my parents always gave me an allowance each week, however with all the bubble gum I was chewing it didn’t put a dent in my obsessive habit.



One of my favorite bubble gums at the time was called Big Buddy. It was a 12" stick of gum which I would bite off a piece, chew it for 10 minutes and then spit it out, then bite off another piece. One stick would probably last me only a few hours before I’d start on another. It was one of my favorite things to do on a Saturday afternoon because gum was FORBIDDEN on catholic school premises, therefore I had to do all my chewing on the weekends. If you were EVER caught chewing gum in catholic school, the nuns made you take it out of your mouth and wear it on the tip of your nose all day. I guess they figured if they embarrassed you in front of your classmates, you’d be mortified enough not to commit the mortal sin of GUM CHEWING and have to go to hell with all the other FELONS.

Anyway, getting back to Grants department store….

As soon as I got my social security card, I applied for a job. Even then, I knew I loved retail and couldn’t wait to get on the sales floor to sell the goods. However, I was told that because I didn’t have any previous work or sales experience, they couldn’t hire me. I explained to them that if they would give me a job, then I would GET the experience.

Every month I would go back to Grants, hoping they would hire me because I was showing some initiative, but damn it….they refused to employ me.

I did this for probably 6 months, until I got so fed up with the rejection that I decided to take REVENGE.

So, do you know what I did?

OMG, this is AWFUL!

I went to their candy department and bought myself two sticks of Big Buddy, and then casually walked over to their lingerie department. I then proceeded to chew the gum, taking each slimy piece out of my mouth and ever so sneakily placing them inside each bra cup.

(I had to use a bit more gum for the Double-D's)

I went from rack to rack of bras, until every single cup had a BLOB of Big Buddy stuck inside.

Aren’t I EVIL? Aren't I SICK?

(thank god they didn’t have video cameras in stores back then)

However, when I think back to that evil doing, I realize that I was innocently and inadvertently creating a bra of the future.





Update: Hi everyone! Just wanted to let you know on account of Bloggers MAJOR technical glitch yesterday and today, I'll be posting my normally scheduled Friday's post on Monday. I am so OVER Blogger this week. Have an awesome weekend...X