Monday, August 22, 2011

Approval

Throughout my childhood, I was pretty much an outcast.

I was not very social in school because I never fit into any particular group.

And let’s face it, school is all about fitting into a group.

I wasn’t part of the scholastic group because I was more interested in being street smart than book smart. Nor was I part of the athletic group because I had no interest in sports. My interests leaned more towards artistic things, but was not able to nurture that part of myself until I became a senior in high school.

Also, I think being gay had something to do with it.

Truthfully? For as far back as I can remember, I never had any dramatic struggles with coming to the understanding and acceptance that I was gay because it always seemed natural to me. But apparently the other kids I went to school with didn‘t think so.

Back then, I don’t think kids fully understood what ‘gay’ meant, but they could tell from my non-interest in what typical boys were interested in, I was different.

Kids can often times be very mean when they sense someone is different.

Especially boys to boys.

Just like girls to girls.

I now realize as an adult, the way I was treated by other kids simply came out of fear.

From the time I started school until I got to my senior year, I was verbally abused almost every single day of my life.

My least favorite time of the day in school was while we were changing classes and had to walk though the hallways to get to our next classroom. A group of boys would stand by the water fountain and shout, “ Oh, there goes the faggot!”

They also shared a few other ‘choice’ words, which I won’t offend your ears with.

And I can remember looking at them thinking, “Do you have any idea what you’re doing?” Part of me felt hurt being verbally whiplashed in front of my other classmates, yet there was another part of me that actually felt sorry for those boys because of their ignorance.

There was no way I could tell my parents what was going on in school because if I had, it would have only made the situation worse by bringing more attention to it.

So, I plugged along.

Even though I was emotionally hurt by their abuse, something deep inside told me that I would be okay. I knew enough not to retaliate with words because it would not have done any good, and would have probably gotten more physical than verbal.

Anyway, the whole point of this post is to say that I think many of us, in one way or another, have experienced ‘not fitting in’ and seeking approval during our childhood.

Hell, even in our adulthood.

But the question is….what have we done with that?

Me, personally? I’ve allowed it to show me that I can’t rely on the rest of the world for approval.

I’m sincerely grateful for what I experienced in my childhood because it has given me the ability to realize something profound.

It’s one thing to live in this world and know that I am part of the whole.

But it’s another thing to rely on this world to make me feel WHOLE.

Approval, regardless of what it pertains to, has to come from within.