Friday, August 05, 2011

The Dark Night Of The Soul - Part 1

I would like to preface this two-part series by being direct and clear about something because what I am about to share with you is very personal.

Whenever you bring up God, people sometimes feel the desire to impose their beliefs on you. For some reason the topic of God makes many people think they know the one and ONLY path.

However, I’ve been through enough in my life to realize there will never be only one path to God.

Never.

And do you know why?

Because God’s relationship with everyone is individual and resides within our own hearts, so there could never be only ONE way.

We all experience God uniquely.

And there are also a great many people in this world who don’t believe in God, and that’s okay because everyone has the right to their own beliefs.

I am sharing this experience to simply let you know what my relationship is with God, and how it came to be. Please understand I am not saying that my way is only way or that everyone needs to walk through the dark night of the soul to have a relationship with God.

This was simply my path, and something “I” had to go through because on some level I asked for it.

And I’m not sharing this to prove anything because in all honesty, I can’t prove it. I just know what I believe.

So, I ask that you respect what I am sharing with you here today, and read it with an open heart.

Thank you.

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Most of my longtime readers already know the basics of what I am about to share, but I’ve decided to reveal even more of what you already know because the experience I went through was the catalyst for my deep need to know God in a personal way.

When I first moved back east, I walked through what I then thought was hell.

Everything I thought gave me power and security was taken away. And no matter what I did to try and fix it, nothing worked.

I went through financial bankruptcy because I could not find substantial work and no longer had the means to pay my bills, or even live. My financial status just kept spiraling downward.

Luckily, through the aid of family and friends, I was able to escape being without an apartment.

I also sold my jewelry, books, and countless household items, just so I could have money to eat.

Up until this point, I would say that I led a very ‘charmed’ life. Everything in my life went smoothly and very rarely had any bumps in the road.

Little things, but nothing major.

So, as much as I knew of other people having challenges in their lives, I never fully comprehended those challenges until they happened to me.

I have always believed in God and can honestly say that I feel very close to Him, or Her. God to me, is like having a best friend. Someone I can talk to 24/7; chatting just like I would to someone if they were standing in front of me. And as much as I respect and love visiting various churches, I’ve never felt that I needed to be in one to talk to God.

As I was driving from Florida to Philadelphia back in 2001, I couldn’t help but feel that something was going to drastically change in my life. And not just a change of location, but more so a change in my relationship towards God. I was petrified, but at the same time a feeling deep inside told me that I needed this change in order to experience a closer bond.

During this challenging time of losing everything, I also lost my dear cat, Jerry. And it was at this time, I began the deepest part of my surrendering process.

I was sad, confused, lost, and absolutely furious with God.

I cursed Him, telling Him that I didn’t understand HOW he could allow all this shit to happen to me, and then to top it off, take Jerry away in the middle of it.

But even with all my cursing and damning of God, I could still feel His loving arms supporting me through my grief. This is how I know that God loves us all unconditionally.

One day, right after Jerry passed away, I just so happened to walk into a bookstore, hoping to find a book on spirituality that would help me understand what I was going through.

I felt like I was actually going insane because no one I knew could understand why I continually felt the need to stay where I was and not move back to Florida, because I had obviously made a mistake in moving here - my life was falling apart. But somehow I knew, problems and all, I didn’t make a mistake. But rather sensed it was a major part of what I needed to go through in my spiritual growth.

A rite of passage.

I was at a very dark and lonely time in my life. I felt like I had no sense of purpose or direction. There were nights when I went to bed and hoped that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. I could feel God around me, but at the same time I felt as if I was losing my connection to Him. I felt abandoned. I felt betrayed. I felt as if I was suspended over a black abyss, waiting to fall into nothingness.

I then spotted a book on one of the shelves which I was very drawn to pick up.

And as I began to read the first paragraph of the first chapter, I wept uncontrollably.

Because I had finally found some guidance in my darkness.

To be continued…..

Have a faaaaabulous weekend everyone!

X