Bug Encounter Of The Third Kind

There are two things that scare the living hell out of me.

1) This expression on Faye Dunaway’s face as Joan Crawford, in the move, Mommie Dearest.

2) And BUGS.

Do you remember me sharing with you about a year or so ago, how I had encountered one of those HUGE and HORRENDOUSLY disgusting Palmettos (water bugs) in my apartment, and that I had to SQUASH it with my precious small oriental screen that I got in Japan?

Well.

Guess what?

I had THREE more of those heinous bugs invade my apartment over the past two months.

Holy shit….it’s like they’re ganging up with a devious plan to KILL me in the middle of the night while I’m asleep, with those razor-sharp TEETH and thorn-like CLAWS.

I only bear witness to them during of the months of June, July and August, because they savor the hot, moist summer humidity. While living in Florida, it was nothing for me to find several of them in a week, cleverly hiding between the shower curtain and liner; waiting to attack me.

The first one I encounter was this past June, when I heard it FLYING around my apartment which sounded like an army helicopter, just as I was getting ready to go to bed. It took me THIRTY minutes to finally catch it by swatting it with a BROOM as it flew above me, while I SCREECHED like a total Sissy Mary. I finally knocked it down and then smashed it with a BOOK.

The second one wasn’t as traumatic because I already discovered it DEAD when I walked into my apartment the day I came home from Florida. As soon as I opened the front door, I was greeted by its STIFF and UPTURNED carcass on my hardwood floor. Welcome home! When I went to pick it up with a paper towel, I heard it CRUNCH. It must have been lying there since the first week I was gone because it had slowly transformed into a Palmetto potato chip.

The third one I encountered was just a few nights ago, and again, it happened right before I was getting ready to go to bed. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth, when all of a sudden I saw its reflection in the bathroom mirror as it was climbing up the mini blinds behind me.

Well, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen someone SCREAM with a mouth full of toothpaste. As I jumped 20 feet in the air, the toothpaste shot out of my mouth like a CANNON; landing all over the mirror. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed the bug spray under the sink, and then ran back into the bathroom and sprayed that sucker for TEN minutes. But guess what? It didn’t die! It just fell into the bath tub and began running around like it had just snorted an entire gram of COCAINE. So I grabbed my broom and began SMASHING it over and over again, but it wouldn’t die, it just kept GETTING UP AND RUNNING. I felt like I was in some horror movie about the living dead.

But then I suddenly got an idea.

I opened the bathroom window, and then scooped up the bug with the broom and quickly SHOVED it out my 21st floor window, while yelling….”DIE, DIE YOU WICKED BEAST!!!!!”

You know, it’s times like these when I wish I still had a CAT.

Wishing you a BUG-FREE weekend everyone!

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