Thursday, July 12, 2018

Closure, Tying Up Loose Ends, And Letting Them Go

The post I'm about to share with you is a very personal one. But it's one that I feel the need to share because it's been extremely healing for me.

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Backstory:

My birth mother died of cancer (Hodgkin's disease ) when she was only 40-years old; leaving a husband and three children. My father, for reasons I truly believe were his best intentions, never told my siblings and I that our mother was sick with a serious illness, or that she was dying, because he didn't want to worry us or cause us pain. So when she was in the final stages of dying, five years after being diagnosed, my siblings and I were taken to stay with a relative. And after the traditional two-day Italian funeral was over, the three of us were then brought back to our home and told what had happened.

I have long since forgiven my father for the choice he made because I understood why he made that choice. My father was a very lovable, kind and sweet man. He always looked for the good in everyone. However, he was also a man who had a difficult time facing things that were unpleasant or uncomfortable. He didn't like to always see the truth. Therefore in an effort to shield his children from their dying mother, he took us away right before she passed so that we would not have to experience it.

When I was in my late 20's, my father and I began to have conversations about what had happened because he felt very guilty over the choice he made. When we were alone, he would sometimes ask if I forgave him. And of course I did because I knew he had made that choice in an effort to protect me from what he feared. He didn't want to put his children through the painful process of seeing their mother die. He wanted us to remember her as she was, when she was alive and healthy.

Yes I know, I realize that was not the best decision, and I told him that. However, I loved my father and understood his reasons.

Later in life when I began to have relationships, I could see that even though I had forgiven my father, I carried with me the emotional baggage of a deep-seeded fear of being abandoned by anyone who loved me; afraid that they would eventually just disappear.

For years I repeated the same pattern over and over again when it came to intimate relationships. I would get involved with someone; then back away before they had a chance to leave me so that I wouldn't feel the pain of losing them.


Present story:

My inspiration for this post came to me months ago, while sorting through old family photographs and discovered this...

This is a picture of my birth mother, my older brother and sister, and me, standing in front of our home in West Oak Lane, Philadelphia back in the late 50's. As you can see from the decorations on the windows, it was during the Christmas holidays. 

Seeing this photograph, got me thinking and feeling a lot. In fact, I actually went on Google Maps and typed in the name of the street and house address, because I was curious to see what the house looked like now.

Here it is...

It felt strange to look at this photograph and then look back at the old one; knowing that I stood in that same spot with my mother when I was 6-years old. And that is wasn't long after this photograph was taken that she passed away in her bedroom, which was directly above the three windows you see in the front of the house.

For days after I found these two pictures, I kept looking at them; feeling a strong sense that I seriously needed to let go of my fear of abandonment because this house was where it all began.

I'm tired of not allowing myself to love and be loved because of an old, embedded fear from my childhood.

It's funny, I have absolutely no problem walking through my fears when it comes to so many things in my life. However, when it comes to walking through my fear of abandonment, I've continually stood paralyzed.

But I no longer wish to do that.

You see, this move to New York represents so much more than just leaving Philadelphia and moving to the city I love with all my heart. This move represents closure, tying up loose ends, and leaving behind once and for all, the fear that I've held onto since I was 6-years old.

For the past several months I've done a great deal of emotional releasing and crying. I've cried from the depths of my soul; feeling the pain of the past, and then letting it go.

It's time.

It's time to move forward in this new chapter of my life because I have a gut feeling that not only will I experience new creative opportunities in New York, but also love opportunities.

And I want to stay open to those opportunities; allowing my heart to love without fear.

In conclusion:

For not one second do I regret my childhood because the reality is that I can't change it. I can only learn and grow as a result from it.

I know that my parents, regardless of whatever choices they made, loved me because I can still feel that love.

And it's their love that I choose to remember...

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

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