I don't often post about being gay because it's not something I think about or focus my energy on. Being gay is like being born with blue eyes, you just accept it as part of who you are.
I know that sounds as if I'm simplifying it, but that's how I feel about being gay.
It's as natural for me as my eye color.
I was born in the 1950's, when there was no gay pride, gay support groups, or anything out there that helped a boy or girl come to the realization that they were attracted to the same gender. I just always knew that I was gay, even though I didn't have a label for it. So for me, even though the kids (mainly other boys) at school bullied me for sensing that I was different, I always felt sorry for them because I knew that their actions and words stemmed from fear. I mean, I could see it on their faces -- FEAR. And yet, I couldn't understand why they felt that way because I didn't have any fear of being gay.
I don't know why I automatically felt comfortable with my sexual orientation, but I'm so grateful for it because I didn't go through the inner struggles that many gay men and women do. I was able to figure it out for myself.
Anyway, the reason I'm sharing this post today is because over the past few weeks, several people asked me questions about being gay, which included some of their preconceived perceptions.
Below are some of those questions and perceptions. I also added a few that people asked me throughout my life.
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Are You Born Gay, Or Is It A Choice?
Well, actually, it's both of those things. Yes, you are most definitely born gay. However, the choice comes from whether you accept it or not. But it's not as if someone wakes up one morning and suddenly thinks, "Hey...I choose to be gay!" Nor, did someone have something happen to them in their childhood that made them gay. You can't turn gay if you're not gay.
Now, there are some people who choose to accept being gay later in life, after they've struggled with it. But I guarantee you that those feelings were always within them. Being gay is not something they suddenly decided to become. It's what they suddenly decided to accept.
As I said, being gay is like being born with blue eyes. I can put contacts in to change the color to brown or green. However, my eyes will always remain blue.
Just Because You're A Gay Man Doesn't Mean You Want To Be A Woman.
Many people are under the assumption that gay men really want to be women, that's why they're gay.
As you all know from reading my blog for years, I love women and deeply admire them. And there have even been times in my life, such as when I portrayed a woman onstage in the theater, or when I dressed as a woman for Halloween and thoroughly enjoyed it. However, I've never had the desire to be female rather than male. I sincerely like being male and having a male body.
You see, being a gay man is the desire to be in a relationship with another man, as a man.
That's the attraction.
Being A Gay Man Means That You're Attracted To All Men.
I find it amusing how some straight men get very uncomfortable around gay men because they automatically assume that they will hit on them because they're a man.
I also find it amusing how some straight men feel the need to preface or prologue something that they felt or said about another man, by saying, "Not that I'm gay or anything, but I think that actor is a nice looking guy." Or, "I think that actor is a nice looking guy, but I mean that in a manly way."
I just smile to myself when I hear things like that, and think, "Why do they feel the need to say those things?"
And for the straight men who assume that all gay men will hit on them, I will always come right out and ask them, "Do you find every single woman who walks by you on street attractive, just because you're straight?"
And that usually makes a light bulb go on in their heads because the answer is always, "No, I don't."
But I must also say that I have met many, many straight men who were not the slightest bit concerned about stuff like that because they were secure in themselves. In fact, I know a guy who used to come into the store that I worked, and whenever he saw me, he would run over and give me a big hug, and say, "How are you, Ron? Good to see you!"
He was straight and knew that I was gay. But he didn't have an ounce of reservation because it didn't matter to him.
Being Gay Is Not Only About The Sex
When you're gay, sex is one component of being in a relationship, just like a heterosexual relationship.
But it's not only about the sex.
Being gay goes much deeper than that. For me, the most heartfelt thing about being a gay man has nothing to do with sex. It's about the close bond you share with the same gender. It's about growing in intimacy with another man.
And allow me to say that just because you're the same gender, doesn't automatically make the relationship easy and smooth. No way. And that's because men share many of the same similarities, so it can be very challenging at times. But that's all part of the growth.
I truly believe that the reason I was born gay is because I have lessons to learn from being with my own gender.
Men are my greatest teachers because it's like looking into a mirror and seeing myself.
Being Bullied For Being Gay, Did Not Make Me A Victim
I don't claim victimhood.
Even though I was bullied for most of my childhood and teen life, I never saw myself as a victim of injustice or felt like a minority.
I knew I was different, yes, but I never thought that being different meant that I was unequal.
And I didn't care if the world accepted me for being gay. That's not where my sense of acceptance came from.
I also don't hold straight people accountable for what was done to me by continually reminding them of how I was treated in the past.
Besides, not all straight people did that to me.
No, if I were to view myself as a victim, that's exactly what it would produce.
And quite frankly, I have no intention of handing over my personal power by going through life with a sign around my neck that reads: VICTIM.
And one last thing...LOVE
Some people have difficulty in understanding how two men or two women can form a committed relationship, live together, and love each other. And I always ask them to just take a moment and feel how their heart swells when it comes to their own husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, or life partner, and realize, that's exactly how a gay man and a gay woman feels.
Love is Love...
Have a beautiful week, everyone!
💗
Thanks for sharing that, Ron. I know from being a long-time follower of your blog that you don’t proclaim being gay in every post or feel the need to constantly bring up the topic in your comments on other blogs. As you say, it’s just who you are and you accept it. I actually think you are able to teach people more about diversity by just being you than putting it in people’s faces 24/7. Let’s face it: That’s what turns a lot of people off.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I will comment on is why I think straight men assume gay men are thinking of them sexually. Well, straight women also assume men are always thinking about sex and checking them out, too. I think it’s universal to believe all men are horn dogs, no matter their sexuality!! It’s not true and is a major stereotype of men, in general.
Thanks for being so open and honest on the topic, Ron. I hope you have a great week. Major cool down here, so I’m sending it your way. XO
Such a well expressed post, Ron! Three of my closest and dearest friends are gay men. One of them I grew up with, and the other two I met through my present job. I am going to forward this post to them because I think they would be very inspired by your words. What I love about gay men is their openness. I also admire how loyal they are as my friends. I can confide in them without feeling any hesitation. And they are also so much FUN to be around!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your honesty in sharing your thoughts, feelings and life experience. You need to write a book! xo
" I actually think you are able to teach people more about diversity by just being you than putting it in people’s faces 24/7. Let’s face it: That’s what turns a lot of people off."
ReplyDeleteYES! YES! YES! YES! You said EXACTLY how I feel! What turns people off is putting it in faces 24/7 because in doing so, it appears as though you yourself NEED their acceptance to feel accepted! My feelings have always been that if I'm casual and natural about being gay, other people will feel that way as well.
And OH MYGOD, I cannot believe what you said in this part of your comment because I was actually thinking the same thing (I kid you not), and was going to include it in that section by referring to men (gay or straight) as HORNDOGS. LOL! And you're correct in what yo said. It blows me away how so often you and I have similar thoughts about similar things.
Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts on this topic. LOVED your comment!
Have a fabulous week! And yes, please send me some of that cool weather! Although I will say that lately it hasn't been too hot and humid.
X
Hey there Candice!
ReplyDeleteAnd what I love about women is the same thing you said about gay men. As I shared, I adore women. In fact, my closest friends are female; always have been. And I think that's true for many gay men. When I was in school, it was the girls who were my allies.
Thanks so much for stopping by and for your sweet words. Always a delight to see your comments. Have a grrrrreat rest of your week!
X
Ron, there are so many things I would like to say about what you shared in this post, but it would take forever. Being gay myself, you nailed it. And you did it in a very honest, yet conscious manner. I love your analogy about how being born gay is as natural as being born with certain eye color. I know that a lot of people believe that being gay is a lifestyle someone chooses, therefore you can un-choose it.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what it must have been like for you to realize that you were gay in the 1950's and have no support or guidance. But it sounds to me that you had no problem at all.
My favorite part of this post is what you said about not seeing yourself as a victim of injustice. I feel that way myself. I too was bullied in school, a lot. And it took me many years to let go of how I was treated. But I realized that remaining there only kept me there. It's like being held prisoner.
Thank you so much for sharing this post today, Ron. You're an inspiration. So glad I met you through your blog.
This is such a great post Ron, thank you for sharing it with us. I'm so glad you did not allow being bullied make you feel like a victim, and I'm so happy you felt comfortable with your sexual orientation from the start. Some of my gay friends struggled when they were younger, but they seemed to have struggled the most with coming out, not their actual acceptance of being gay. For most it was because they knew how their families would react. One thing that just breaks my heart in two is when a parent disowns a child for being gay or trans. Can you even imagine such a thing?!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you are the type of person people feel comfortable asking questions. I can see how some things might be confusing to someone who is straight and has never had gay friends. At least they are making an effort to understand, and you explain it beautifully!
Ron, besides your hysterical sense of humor, do you know what I've always loved and admired about you? Your strong sense of "self" and not allowing the world to dictate how you see and feel about yourself. In all the years I've been reading your blog, you have always talked opening about being gay, but never made it the focal point of who you are. As you said, you treat it natural and casual, so that's how people feel it.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts about straight men who feel the need to explain themselves to others about thinking that another man is attractive, or think that just because a man is gay that they'll hit on them is proof that they are not secure in themselves. Why else would they do feel that way?
I think women are more likely speak freely about saying that another woman is beautiful, than most men. Women can hug, kiss, and walk hand in hand down the street and people think nothing of it. Guys seem to have more pressure to appear a certain way compared to women when it comes to sexuality. Yet as you said, some guys have no reservation about being affectionate.
Thank you for sharing this today, Ron. Wonderful post! xox
Hello there Daniel!
ReplyDeleteThank you, sir, for sharing openly your comment. And yes, many people are under the impression that you can un-choose being gay, like turning off a switch. Did you ever see the movie, "Boy Erased?" That's an example of that.
"I can't imagine what it must have been like for you to realize that you were gay in the 1950's and have no support or guidance. But it sounds to me that you had no problem at all."
In a major way, I think that actually helped me because as I said, I had to figure it out for myself which allowed me to get a strong sense of myself. It made me stronger, so I wouldn't change a thing.
I so loved what you said here...
"And it took me many years to let go of how I was treated. But I realized that remaining there only kept me there. It's like being held prisoner."
Yes, and that's it! By not letting go, you become a prisoner of how you were treated.
Thanks so very much for stopping by and sharing, my friend. Appreciate that! Hope you're enjoying a great week!
X
Hi there, Martha!
ReplyDelete"Some of my gay friends struggled when they were younger, but they seemed to have struggled the most with coming out, not their actual acceptance of being gay. For most it was because they knew how their families would react. One thing that just breaks my heart in two is when a parent disowns a child for being gay or trans. Can you even imagine such a thing?!"
Thank you SO MUCH for mentioning that because, yes, that is also part of the struggle with many gay people, how their families will react. For me, I always had the attitude that if my family didn't accept me (or disowned me), than so be it. For the most part, most of my family members embraced it. And I think they did because they could see that I was very comfortable with it myself.
"I can see how some things might be confusing to someone who is straight and has never had gay friends. At least they are making an effort to understand...."
Yes, you're so right, some thing are confusing to some people. And I've always been open to people asking me questions because like you said, at least they are making the effort to understand. In my adult life, most people have been very kind and open to me.
Thanks so very much for stopping by and sharing on this topic, my friend. Much appreciated! Have a great rest of your week!
X
Hola Denise!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your sweet and encouraging words. Much thanks! In so many ways, being gay has been a wonderful gift because it has taught me self-worth and self-acceptance. It also showed me how being different does not mean we're not all equal, because we are. I love that the world is filled diversity because it makes the world a richer place.
And oh my god, I love your last paragraph....
"Women can hug, kiss, and walk hand in hand down the street and people think nothing of it. Guys seem to have more pressure to appear a certain way compared to women when it comes to sexuality. "
....that is SO true! And particularly in the US because it's very different in a place, such as, Italy, where men are so openly affectionate.
Thanks again for stopping by, girl. Always enjoy you comments! Hope you're having a faaaaaaaaabulous week!
Ciao bella!
X
Ron, thank you so much for opening up your heart and soul to us. This is such an important issue given the hateful times in which we live.
ReplyDeleteFor years I've seen these allegedly "comedy" sketches where gay men are portrayed as rabid horndogs going after anything with a heartbeat. Even when I was young, I knew this was stupid--straight men don't get horny? Oh, please....
I truly admire your steadfast refusal to be a victim, especially give the terrible treatment you received during a period when gay people didn't dare express themselves.
When I think of the ruined lives, careers, and even murders that have happened (and continue to happen), it makes me sick.
Calling someone gay is still considered an insult among many men. And then there are the losers who are so desperate to prove how manly they are by blathering on about cars, hunting, or football.
Come out of the closet, guys, you'll feel better.
Your courage is truly inspirational. I have been and will always be proud to say your are my friend.
Hey there Rob!
ReplyDeleteTrue, men (gay or straight) can be horndogs, it's all part of the male beast LOL! But there are also men (gay and straight) who are not like that. Like you said, I think it's all in how movies, TV, and the media portray men as stereotypes.
I know this may sound strange, but I'm grateful for the time period in which I was born because it taught me a great deal about self-acceptance. It was a tough time, indeed, but it made me more resilient and self-reliant. And not only about being gay, but about following my heart and knowing what was right for me in many different ways. Back in the 50's men and women had definite "roles" that they lived, however, I knew that I could never fit into a specific role, other than being myself.
Thanks SO MUCH for stopping by, and for you sweet, kind, and supportive words, buddy! I will always be proud to say your are my friend too!
Have a grrrrrrrrrrrrreat rest of your week!
X
Yes, Ron, I did see, "Boy Erased" when it first came out. And I also saw several interviews with the real-life guy and his mother. It was an intense, sad, but also a inspiring story that had a positive ending. I loved Nicole Kidman as his mother.
ReplyDelete"In a major way, I think that actually helped me because as I said, I had to figure it out for myself which allowed me to get a strong sense of myself. It made me stronger, so I wouldn't change a thing." That's awesome!
Yes, wasn't Nicole wonderful as the mother? You could really sense the confusion and inner turmoil she went through as his mother. She loved him and accepted him, but there was a part of her that clung to her religious beliefs. But in the end, she saw it clearly.
ReplyDeleteRon - I haven't commented lately because I feel I must have posted something you disagree with at some point, and if that's the case, I'm truly sorry to have inadvertently pushed you away. I've been racking my brain for months and have no idea what might have happened. Having said that, I applaud you for this post. It takes courage and confidence to accept who you are so willingly when it goes against what many in society perceive as "the norm," and I applaud you for sharing with us so openly. You being gay is as natural a part of who you are as the hair atop your head or your affinity for squirrels. How can we not admire and respect that? Keep on being you!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Ron, for this post which I found enlightening and informative from a gay man's perspective. Whatever a person's sexual orientation has never mattered to me personally; However, I do know some who have not felt the same.
ReplyDeleteMy husband's first cousin is a gay man who married several years ago and he and his partner are co-fathers to a child. From the time I met my husband I saw that there was never any discrimination in the family from his cousin's parents, siblings, other relatives or friends. When he met and introduced his partner to the family, his mother and father said they gained another son in addition to the other 3.
Hi Mark!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for stopping by and for your kind words and support.
Hope all is well with you and Tara and that you're enjoying the summer!
X
Hey there D!
ReplyDeleteYes, I had a feeling it matter to you personally because you seem very open and accepting. But you're right, there are some who have not felt the same.
"My husband's first cousin is a gay man who married several years ago and he and his partner are co-fathers to a child. From the time I met my husband I saw that there was never any discrimination in the family from his cousin's parents, siblings, other relatives or friends. When he met and introduced his partner to the family, his mother and father said they gained another son in addition to the other 3."
That is so AWESOME!!! And yes, I saw photos on your blog a few times around the holidays of your husband's first cousin with his partner and child, and figured that they were a couple. I think it's so great that same sex couples can adopt because I know so several gay men (and women) who loved children and have adopted, and make the most loving, caring parents. And the children look so happy!
Thanks so much for stopping by, D! Hope you're enjoying a fantastic week so far!
X
Ron, if I'm getting too personal let me know, but I'm curious, how did your immediate family react when you told them that you knew you were gay? And the reason I ask is because one of my siblings children came out to her after they moved away and went to college. She and her husband and our whole family were very supportive. But you and I were born in a completely different era when people were much more uptight about things like that, so I'm curious to know how your family respond.
ReplyDeleteBoth my husband and I read this post when we got home this afternoon and were so moved by your honesty. We had two very close friends (a couple) in NY that were gay and we felt as if they were part of the family. The thing I love about the gay men I've met and known is how comfortable I feel around them because you can talk about anything and everything. So much fun!
Thank you so much for this post and being the person you are. You are loved! x
P.S. Isn't this nice cooler weather such a treat, considering two weeks ago it was in the high 90's!?!
Hellooooooo there, Elaine!
ReplyDeleteNo, you're not getting too personal at all. And I totally don't mind answering your question because it's a good one.
Yes, it was a completely different era than now, so although I felt completely comfortable with being gay, I didn't say anything to my immediate family until I was in my early 20's, during my first relationship with another man. I always sensed that my family knew I was gay, but it wasn't something they felt comfortable asking me until I was ready to tell them. And when I did, they were good with it. But I have to be honest and say that even if they hadn't been good with it, it wouldn't have matter to me because I always "accepted" myself. I didn't need my family's approval.
So happy to hear that your family was open and supportive of your sister's child, that's FABULOUS!
I always sensed that you (and your husband) were very open, supportive and non-judgmental people.
Thanks a bunch for stopping by, for your question, and for your sweet words. Hope you're having a super week!
X
P.S. And yes....OMG.....I am so enjoying the cooler temps at the moment because the last two weeks were retched. It so nice to walk outside and not sweat!
Ron, thank you for answering my question. I had a feeling that regardless of how your family responded, you would have been okay with it. And that's truly a reflection on you and how much you accepted yourself to begin with. It's great when a family accepts it, however, what's most important self-acceptance. Good for you, Ron!
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the weather! x
Thank you, Elaine! X
ReplyDeleteVery informative, Ron -- thank you for sharing this. You're blessed that, despite the bullying, you escaped with your identity and esteem intact. Sadly, so many don't and suffer the rest of their days.
ReplyDeleteI've never seen Gay 101 explained so clearly, intimately, and honestly. You've done a wonderful service here, and your post should be widely read.
Enjoy the rest of your week, my friend. xo
Hey there, Debbie!
ReplyDeleteYes, you are so right about that, I knew of so many people who had a very hard time, not only with coming to terms with being gay, but also the bullying. I, personally, wasn't physically bullied (thank God), but was verbally bullied almost every single day in school. For some reason though, I could see the fear in their eyes, so I actually felt sorry for them. But I never feared for myself.
Thanks so much for stopping by, and for your kind and encouraging words, my friend. Being gay has taught me so many things that I wouldn't have learned otherwise; therefore, I feel grateful and happy to be all of who I am.
Hope you're having a great week!
X
Ron, you could be a counselor. This post was so well written. I admire the way in which you came to an understanding about your sexuality by figuring it out for yourself, I'm sure many do not. And never understood how people assume that you choose your sexual preference, so therefore you can change it anything you choose?! Our society gets so uptight about people's sexuality. What business is it of theirs anyway? I have straight friends, gay friends, and even bi-friends. And as long as someone is open and honest, so be it.
ReplyDeleteAs challenging as your childhood was, it you're so smart to not claim victimhood. As you shared, in doing so, it keeps you there.
Thank you very much for sharing this, Ron. I plan on passing it forward.
Hello there, Clair, and thanks so much for your thoughtful comment.
ReplyDelete" And I've never understood how people assume that you choose your sexual preference, so therefore you can change it?! Our society gets so uptight about people's sexuality."
Me neither. And like you said, as long as someone is open, honest and respectful, so be it. And as far as people assuming that one chooses to be gay, therefore, they can choose not-to-be is silly. Because that would also mean that people who claim to be straight, could turn around and choose to be gay. And when I say that to people, they say, NO WAY...I could never be gay because I'm straight!" To which I say, "Well...I could never be straight because I'm gay!" LOL!
Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing, Clair! Have an AWESOME weekend!
X
Great comeback, Ron LOL!
ReplyDeleteAren't I wicked? Tee- hee!
ReplyDeleteX
You are my role model! Amen to everything you wrote!
ReplyDeleteThank you, my friend!
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks so much for stopping by. Great to see you blogging again. You were missed.
X
Awww - thanks. I'm suffering so much digital fatigue at the moment.
ReplyDeleteTOTALLY understand, my friend! Sometimes you just have to take a break and get away from all the digital overload. X
ReplyDelete<3
ReplyDeleteHello again, Ron!
ReplyDeleteA friend of ours didn't share with friends/family that he was gay until he was well into adulthood. Not that either of us had any judgement of it... as you said... love is love... and we believe that wholeheartedly ... but he dated women. And when he eventually shared, it wasn't ... I'm bisexual and interested in men and women. He was definitely a gay man. It might have been right before he was to be married that he finally decided he had to move on from that relationship and live his truth. I also think that maybe he didn't want to have the conversation with his parents. They had both passed before he spoke openly about it.
As usual, Ron, a wonderful post! Thanks for sharing. We all could use a little Gay 101 at times. lol Being open to questions, and answering them honestly and kindly is super cool.
Speaking of cool...there sure is none of that this week. Whew, stay hydrated in this wretched weather!! Oh dear Lord... 96, 97... I'll be in a tub of ice if you need me! haha
Hello again, Mary!
ReplyDelete"...but he dated women. And when he eventually shared, it wasn't ... I'm bisexual and interested in men and women. He was definitely a gay man. It might have been right before he was to be married that he finally decided he had to move on from that relationship and live his truth."
Yes, and that is exactly what I was referring to when I said that some men come out later in life because they got to a point where they just couldn't deny it anymore. And some gay men (and women) do go through a period of living a straight life by dated the opposite gender and enjoy it, but then realize eventually realize how they truly feel. I always knew that I was gay, so I didn't date women, although I think women are faaaaaaaaabulous and beautiful!
People have always felt comfortable asking me questions about being gay because they know I'm comfortable with it.
"Speaking of cool...there sure is none of that this week. Whew, stay hydrated in this wretched weather!! Oh dear Lord... 96, 97... I'll be in a tub of ice if you need me! haha"
And you too! This week is horrendous. I'm already looking forward to a nice cool Fall and snowy Winter. Ha!
Have a great week and stay cool!
X