Coffee Condiment Torture

Have you ever purchased a cup of coffee at one of those java places and noticed certain insane people adding condiments to their coffee?

I have…and it irritates the royal hell-crap out of me!!!

The other day I stood waiting behind a woman who was preparing her beverage.

(or should I say…science experiment)

The way she was carefully measuring, stirring, eyeing, weighing and concocting her coffee…you’d swear she was trying to recreate the missing strands of human DNA.

And the most nerve-grating thing…was watching her add sugar from those little individual sugar packet’s. She would grab two at a time between her index finger and thumb, and start shaking them to get all the sugar to move to the bottom of the packet's. And it wasn’t enough to just shake them…she also had to FLICK them with the fingers from her other hand.

Shake, shake, shake…flick, flick, flick…shake, shake, shake,…flick, flick, flick

(it sounded like she was playing homemade castanets)

Over and over and over again….

And the way she was BEATING them, I thought the sugar granules were going to revert back into a solid piece of sugarcane!

I watched as she added SIX packet’s to a 8 oz. cup of coffee.

(she was obviously NOT a diabetic)

She also had to sip the coffee between each added sugar to make sure it was PERFECT.

(you know…not TOO sweet)

Then came the milk....

It took her 15 minutes to examine each milk container to see if it was…whole milk? 2% milk? 1% milk? Or half and half?

After she made her choice, she had to open the milk container and take a WHIFF to make sure it wasn’t sour or God forbid, poisonous.

(meanwhile, my own coffee was starting to percolate in my hand from the heated RAGE generating throughout my body)

As she was adding the milk, she started the sip-testing process again to make sure it wasn’t too black.

The final touch...was a quick sprinkle of cinnamon.

2 hours later…she completed her cup of coffee.

I felt like I wanted to applaud and scream, “BRAVO…you get an Oscar in the category of Worst-Actress in the film, “How to Make a Quick Cup of Coffee.”

“NOW, GET OFF THE STAGE…THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE WAITING!#*!”

Aren’t I a bastard?

Yea.

But I don’t care, because I know how the hell to meditate to achieve INNER PEACE!@*!!




Photo: Marky!!!

18 comments

  1. LOL she obviously wasn't in a hurry to go anywhere!

    It reminds me of the joke

    "I'll take six sugars please, but don't stir it I don't like it sweet!"

    Decaf with no sugar and a good helping of semi skimmed milk for me please. x

    ReplyDelete
  2. Coffee preparation at the wee bitty condiment counters is absolutely one of lower levels of hell. Of course, I think being around people is being in hell.

    I also refuse to use their pseudo-Italian terms for small, medium and large.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Problem, solution. Problem, solution.


    Drink coffee-black!

    Yep.
    Works for me. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  4. Morning Akelamalu~

    NO...obviously she WASN'T in a hurry...tee-hee!

    And thank God it was my day off and had no where to go for 7 HOURS!!!

    I hope she wasn't drinking decaf..because she definately needed some SPEED.

    HEY...GREAT joke...LOVED IT...I have to remember this one!!!!

    Good seeing ya, Akelamalu...enjoy your first cup of java for the day!

    Bottoms up!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Morning Nitebyrd~

    Hey...you and I need to hang out together...we seem to experience the same levels of HELL!!!!

    Aren't people FABULOUS?!!?!?!?

    (especially BEFORE they get their coffee)

    Yea, I agree...the condiments bar was made for "one-at-a-time" service..GRRRRRR!!!

    And the pseudo-italian terms...I get so damn confused about which java place...uses WHICH terms!?!?! Let's just go back to small, medium and large...and cut the crap!

    ALWAYS a joy talking to you Nitebyrd...thanks for stopping by to say heyho!

    Bottoms up!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Morning Mel~

    WONDERFUL suggestion...because there would be NO NEED for condiments!!!!

    I usually like my coffee with just a tiny bit of milk (and that's it)...but if I should be out of milk...I CAN drink it black.

    Everyone should be like you and I Mel...carefree, adaptable and always at peace!

    cough! cough!

    Good seeing you, Mel...enjoy your JAVA.

    Bottoms up!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ah, the daily ritual of the American Coffee Queen. You happened on this and you should feel privledged to witness this first hand. There is a growing cult of the holy beaners (that is what they love to be called). These individuals take the concept of imbibing the brown liquid we call coffee quite seriously.
    The way you were describing her technique was a hint that she must be a high ranking member of the Starbuck's Birgade. Perhaps she was top bean roasted with love. These people tend to hold the rest of us with low esteem when all we want to do is pour mix and drink. Now it is time to go into a church and light a candle for you have been part of the ceremony. To you, I hold my stirrer high and place my sugar packet close to my heart and repeat the words "Ron", "Ron", "Ron" do Ron Ron.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi Ron... was wondering when my fave beverage would find it's way to your page!

    The condiments counter is wahayyy too small. I can usually zip in and out pretty fast, but there is always the critical moment when the cup must be set down for the lid. Granted, some of the patrons nearby are moving slow enough and look flat enough on top to balance a cup, but the cost of the java is too high to risk it.

    I'm fighting the 'people are hell' category, but out in public, man, it's hard.

    Good to the last drop,
    Greg

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ron~
    I have smiley..
    Smiley is from Haiti or Jamaica, (never asked, but the accent...whooo)
    Smiley sees me coming
    " oh Miss Sorrow, gotta make you some Ethiopian, I know it's your favorite" then smiling he makes me a cup of the worlds best coffee. He hands it to me and says "May love shine upon you and bless you all your days..."
    Now how I ask you, could I possibly have a bad day after that? He remembers how every customer takes there coffee and just smiles all day long!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dave...your humor is SO FABULOUS...it always brightens my day!

    HOW DID YOU QUESS WHERE I WAS?????
    Because you're right!

    Ok...you've explained it to me!!!!! And that's is EXACTLY what it looked like she was doing...A HOLY RITUAL. And you know, it's just like the people who are SERIOUS wine drinkers...and how they hold us "common wine drinkers" in low esteem!

    Ok, so I have an IDEA...they should probably start doing like the groceries stores do...have a "special line" for those who are Kings and Queens...and an "EXPRESS line" for those of us common folk, who just want to get the hell in and out!!!

    Howver, I WILL go to church and light a candle...for some personal PATIENCE!!!!

    Sincerely,
    Da Do, Ron Ron

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh, Sorrow...how WONDERFUL!!!!

    Smiley sounds like a beautiful little soul with the heart of an angel!

    What a wonderful example of how our "work", no matter WHAT it is that we give to the world, is our way to be of TRUE SERVICE to others!!!

    Thank you so much for sharing this "grace-filled moment" with all of us here. It really touched me!

    And "May love shine upon you and bless you all your days!"

    Love ya, lady Sorrow

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hiya Greg~

    I was thinking of YOU the whole time I was writing this!!!!

    "are moving slow enough and are flat enough on top to balance a cup"

    THAT WAS BRILLIANTLY HYSTERICAL!!!

    And I hear you Greg, I fight the "people are hell" thing too! Sometimes I have more patience than others....but on this particular day...my patience was BELOW ZERO!!!

    Like I shared with Dave...I think they need to start having 2 lines at the condiments counter - one for SLOW transactions...and another for EXPRESS!!!

    And I often think, "Are these people drinking DECAF???" Because they seriously need to start adding some CAFFIENE to their diets....MOVE PEOPLE!!!!

    Ok, deep cleansing breath Ron...now let go!

    Bottoms up!

    ReplyDelete
  13. That is soooo funny, sciense experiment.LOL

    ReplyDelete
  14. Howdy Enigma~

    I swear to God...I felt like I was watching some nutty science professor creating the ATOM!

    Jeeeese!

    Hail mary, full of grace....

    Thanks for stopping by, Enigma...good seeing ya!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Ron darling..how very human of you.

    I drink my coffee straight so I usually zip in and out unless I want to sit and people watch. You never know when you might get to see a good brawl at the condiment counter. hee, hee.

    Thank you again for a good laugh...god love you!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Howdy Gypsy-Heart~

    So good to see ya at the condiment bar!!!

    tee-hee!

    I can't help it...it makes me go INSANE and I want to scream MOOOOOVE YOU FREAK!!!!

    Patience in NOT one of my virtues!

    GOD LOVE YA TOO, GYPSY-HEART!

    Thanks for stopping by!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. That was a funny post Ron!

    If you see her again tell her that they have coffe flavored Pixie-Sticks at Wall Mart. That should keep her occupied for a few days anyway.

    Ooooo, beter yet, if she happens to be behind you next time, dip your finger into the milk pitcher then lick it and say, "I think this one's ok...want some?"

    Come on, I double dog dare ya.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh shit, Jeff...there you go again making me piss!!!!

    "I" need to try those pixie-sticks at WalMart...they sound GREAT!!! I wonder what kind of a RUSH they would give me if I mixed them WITH my coffee???

    If I see her again, I will definately try the finger licking thing...that was a RIOT!

    Always good seeing ya, Jeff. Thanks for stopping by!

    ReplyDelete