Little Shop of Horrors

For as much as I truly appreciate the beauty and benefits of the plant kingdom…I realize that I do NOT have the gift of caring for them.

(instead I possess the incredible talent of executing them)

I don’t care what I do, what I read, or what advice anyone gives me about taking care of plants…within a few months they inevitably pass on to their next life.

I once even somehow destroyed an air fern…I kid you not!

And lucky bamboo are extremely UN-lucky when they live in my house.

I seem to go along just fine with my plant care and then suddenly turn into the Little Shop of Horrors.

I either forget to water them or drown them.

I try pruning, toiling, plant vitamins, sunlight, indirect sunlight, even talking to them - and all my efforts end in death.

One of the most devastating plant losses of my life, was an adorable aloe plant that I named Oliver.

Now tell me? Have you ever heard of anyone losing an aloe plant? I mean, they can live on one drop of water for six months!! And you literally have to take a machete to them in order to end their life.

Oliver past away last year, and I still have him in the pot - I refuse to dispose of him.

(he now looks like a raisin)

He sits on my windowsill as a constant reminder of my heinous crimes.

Some people have a green thumb…however, mine is a deep BLACK.

I think I’ll just be content to sit back and enjoy the talent of other people’s ability to sustain beautiful plant life.

Such as my dear friend Diana, who lives in Florida. I mean, the woman can grow popsicle sticks! She has the most beautiful garden that literally takes your breath away. I call it, The Secret Garden - she truly has a remarkable talent.

(love ya, Kee-Kee)

So remember…if you should ever decide to get me something for a gift, I implore you to never even THINK of giving me a plant.

(perhaps a nice silk arrangement would be ok)




Photo: druydrama

23 comments

  1. Tsk tsk tsk
    a black thumb ? mommy dearest! no little green babies for you!
    Sorry, i have a glowing green thumb, I have plants that have sprung up from citrus seeds one of my spawn has spewed into pots , growing and green.
    memo to me memo to me,no plants for Ron, oh Mr. Glyphosate!
    so...what happens to cactus?

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  2. Morning Sorrow~

    Tee-hee!

    YES...NO LITTLE GREEN BABIES FOR ME!

    I sware to God, I can actually hear a plant hiss at me when I walk by!

    Oh...I envy thoughs with the "green thumb" - and it's SO wonderful that you have one!

    Yes...I've actually destroyed a catus too...and WHILE I was living in Florida, if you can believe that!?!!?

    No...when God was handing out the "plant gifts" He decided, "No, Ron...I think I'll just give you the gift of GAB!!!!

    I'm surprised I can even grow my HAIR!

    Thanks for being up this late, Sorrow...and for stopping by for an early morning chat!

    God love ya, woman!

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  3. I, too, am a plant executioner. It is very humiliating when you kill a cactus. I even worry about the silk ones since my thumb is like the finger of death.

    Perhaps pictures of plants would be the way to go, Ron.

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  4. Wisepersoninmylife handed me a plant and told me when I could keep that alive for three years, let him know and THEN we'd talk about whether or not I was ready for some intimate relationship with a human being.

    Yep.
    Plant murderer.....that's me. LOL

    Funny enough......I DID keep a plant alive for three years AND I ended up in an intimate relationship.
    Married him. LOL

    Stupid plant's STILL alive...LOL

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  5. Oh, Nitebyrd....your comment made me laugh so freaking hard, because as you were telling me about your thumb being the "finger of death", I look up and see your "bunny avatar" holding a bloodly KNIFE!!!!

    Damn...that's FUNNY!!!

    Don't ever get rid of that avatar...it's too cute!

    Hey...I also got a great laugh out of your "plant picture" suggestion! It's even BETTER than a silk!

    Thanks for sharing your wonderful WIT, Nitebyrd...you started my day off with a great SMILE!

    Enjoy your day!!!!

    The Plant Killer

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  6. Hey, Mel...ya know, I do believe what "wisepersoninyourlife" said...is very, very, true!

    Plants take care and attention...and so does an intimate relationship...it makes sense!

    Wiseperson....that Wisepersoninyourlife!

    If you could keep a plant alive for three years, you're not a full-time plant murderer like me...your just part-time!

    tee-hee!

    Thanks for coming by today to say Hi and for spreading your CHEER, Mel!

    Enjoy your Monday! Hey...it's finally FREEZING here today...and I'm SOOOO happy. SNOW is in the forecast!

    The Full-Time Plant Murderer

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  7. This is hilarious! What a great post. I loved the "raisin" part and the diligence (despite Oliver now looks like a raisin). That's real love right there. :) HUGS

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  8. Hi Ron I'm back and I have a confession - I drank far tooooo much wine!

    How on earth did you manage to kill and aloe plant????

    Anyway you can't be good at everything - plants are just not your thing!

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  9. Hiya Sibyllae~

    GOD LOVE OLIVER!!!!!

    And he DOES look just like a little sun-made raisin. I keep sharing Reiki with him, thinking that he will RISE from the dead.

    (no luck so far)

    So glad you enjoyed the post. I had so much FUN writing it!!!!

    Thanks for stopping by...it's always appreciated and enjoyed!!!

    Hope you're better with plant life then I am!

    The Plant Murderer

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  10. Howdy Akelamalu~

    I KNEW you'd be sippin' the VINO!!!

    Oh, who cares...that's why God made GRAPES!

    Yes...I don't know HOW I did it, but Oliver (the aloe plant) is deader than a door nail! Even Reiki has no power. I just think it was his time...boo-hoo!!!

    Hope you enjoyed your weekend, my friend (of COURSE you did).

    Good seeing ya...thanks for stopping by!

    The Plant Murderer

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  11. Not to be inappropriate in any way, but what you just said reminded me of something. Before getting married my spouse told me had a plant once (read: the only plant he ever had that was gifted to him and he couldn't be rude and refuse) - and this plant he told me he had named Lazarus. "...thinking that he will RISE from the dead." You are not alone! ;)

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  12. Me too, I am a plant killer. But yet people continue to ask me to care for their plants when they go away. WHY WHY WHY would they do that? Even after I carefully point out the dead plants that I threw on the back porch or the multiple FAKE plants that I have all over my house, they still insist upon trusting me to care for their plants.
    Last summer I had to care for my neighbors plants for 3 weeks while she drove across the country, most of them survived. I really did kill her tomato plants and I have no idea how?? Now I have to care for my mother in laws since she is in Florida until April. We'll see how that goes.

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  13. Oh, Sibyllae...THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing that with me.

    I laughed my butt off!!!!

    Maybe there's HOPE for good old Oliver!!

    And tell your spouse I LOVE the name...Lazarus!!!

    GREAT story, Sibyllae...it was priceless!

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  14. Oh, Nicole...your comment made me LAUGH so hard!!!!

    "WHY WHY WHY????"

    What is IT with people like us, who are plant executioners!!!

    It makes me INSANE!?@!?

    And you're right...why are WE always the ones that are asked by others to care for their plants???

    This place where volunteer at once a week on Tuesdays, ALWAYS gives ME the job of watering all the plants in the building. Everytime they do this I say, "Are you SURE you want ME to be the one to do this???" And the whole time I'm watering them, I'm so paranoid that just being NEAR them...will somehow make them croak over and die!!!

    OY VEY!

    Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your wonderful story. I'm finding out through this post that I'm not the ONLY one with this CURSE!

    Enjoy your evening....

    Sincerely,
    The Angel of Death

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  15. Nicole....

    P.S. And good luck with your mother in laws plants. I'll say a prayer!

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  16. Dear Mr Kovorkian,

    It has come to our attention that you have single handedly wiped out two of the most resiliant plants known to man, the aloe and the air fern.

    We would hereby ask that you "leaf" these poor defenseless creatures alone until we can get to the "root" cause of your destructiona and mayhem.

    And please remember...It ain't easy being green.

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  17. Man, Jeff...you've just started my day off with the GREATEST LAUGH!!!

    That was TOO DAMN funny!!!

    And you're right, I need to "leaf" these poor defenseless creatures alone! I'm surprised that the whole plant kindgom hasn't tried to kill me while I'm out in the park on the weekends!!!

    Thanks again for sharing your incredible WIT, Jeff. Maybe you should try writing for Saturday Night Live!

    Sincerely,
    Kermit

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  18. Ron darling...god love you.
    My sister-in-law is the same way..she tried the bamboo and cactus too. There must be one in every family. She is an excellent cook so I hope she stays in the family (our family struggles with marriages like you do plants..hee, hee)!

    I do have a green thumb..I am like my Granddaddy..he could put a dead stick in the ground and something would sprout. That is a curse too though..because I can't let anything die..needless to say I have very informal gardens.
    In time I hope to have grape vineyards I can make my own wine! :) Like you I just discovered my love for wine on a trip to Italy a couple of years ago.
    Oops! Not sure how I got off on wine again. :O
    Good energy to you!

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  19. You, my friend are too funny. Your black thumb made smile and when you said you could not get the aloe to live made me tell the story to all who would listen. I am sure that there is something in your house you can aid in surviving; perhaps dust.
    Thanks for the smiles and the energy of a good tale.
    Time for me to germinate.

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  20. Hiya Dave~

    Yes!!!! THANK YOU...I CAN grow DUST...fast than you can say..."plant muderer." Living in a city, the dust grows like a WEEDS. I will usually dust every week, and by the end of the second day...it's like I NEVER even did it!!!!

    SO glad you enjoyed my little "plant tale"...and feel honored that you shared it with others!

    Thanks for stopping by Dave...your presence ALWAYS makes me smile too!

    Sincerely,
    Mr. Horror

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  21. Helloooo Gypsy-Heart~

    Yep...I AM the ONE in our family that DO NOT get the gift! But I also don't have much of a talent for cooking either (and can you believe that my father was an OUTSTANDING cook, and my brother is a professional chief????)

    I'm a WONDERFUL house cleaner though (especially bathrooms)

    tee-hee!

    It's SO fabulous that you have the "gift"...my friend that's a Capricorn is ALSO outstanding with plant life...and animals! Must be that EARTH in your sign!!!

    Oh my, God...your going to try growing a VINEYARD??? How WONDERFUL!!! I want to put in an order for your FIRST crop! Hopefully it will be RED!?

    It's always so GREAT talking and sharing with you, Gypsy-Heart...thank you for always leaving your GOOD ENERGY...you add much here!

    Sincerely,
    Charles Mason

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  22. BTW---I need to go on record. I haven't touched the plant in five years. Himself does the plant care now. No point in testing fate!


    Now, if ya wanna talk outdoor plants--I rock!

    *scratching head*
    Make that make sense.

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  23. Hey Mel~

    GOD LOVE HIMSELF!!!!

    Hey, an outdoor plant is a PLANT...so I will take you off the "Plant Murderer List"

    And you DO ROCK!!!!

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