Automated Phone Voices

Have you ever called customer service for something and gotten that freakish automated phone voice?

You know, that weird sounding voice that resembles what Barbie would sound like if she could really talk?

“Hello, my name is Connie, and I’m here to help you with any problem you have concerning customer service. Just talk to me naturally, as if I was a real person and I’ll answer your question.”

NATURALLY?? You sound like a Stepford Wife!!

The first time I heard this voice, it gave me the chills and made my hair stand up.

But what really irritates me is that Connie can’t HEAR.…

“I’m sorry, but I didn’t quite understand your question…could you please repeat that one more time for me…. “I’m sorry, but I didn’t quite understand your question…could you please repeat that one more time for me…”

And have you ever noticed that when Connie finally DOES hear your question…she can’t answer it?

“I’m sorry, but you’ll have to call back tomorrow, during our regular business hours and talk to a live customer service representative, concerning your issue. Now…is there anything else I can help with this evening?”

“Yea, Connie…you can get another voice and then go to HELL!

This use to only happen during closed business hours, however, I’ve notice that it’s also happening during regular business hours.

I understand it’s probably cheaper for a company to install an automated service, rather than pay a human being to talk to you. And SUPPOSEDLY it’s meant to speed up customer service by handling larger volume of calls, but I still think it’s one of the most annoying and creepiest experiences.

I’m beginning to wonder if there’s ever any human beings even running these companies.

I’ve learned a little trick that will by-pass this automated voice during regular business hours which enables me to talk to a living and breathing person.

As soon as Connie starts babbling, I start screaming, “AGENT…AGENT…AGENT!”

And that seems to cut her off, and she says, “Please hold…while I transfer your call to a customer service representative…”

BINGO!

Try it...it really works.

“I mean, I really hate being rude to you Connie…but you totally annoy the shit out of me.”

Click…

34 comments

  1. Nice one! Thanks for that tip!

    ReplyDelete
  2. LOL Is Connnie the same person we have who says:

    Press 1 if you have an hour to spare
    Press 2 if you're in a hurry
    Press 3 if you're in a good mood
    Press 4 if you think you might swear
    Press 5 if you're not really bothered whether you get an answer
    Press 6 if you want an answer
    Press 7 if you want to speak to a human

    7 - Ring, ring......
    Sorry no humans available today - call back tomorrow.
    ???????

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hear a variety of "Connies" every day calling insurance companies to find out where the doctor's money is. After several hours, I find myself talking like Connie. YIKES!

    Several years ago, one company had a "Connor", he sounded exactly like Pat Paulson. That one always made me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh yeah Ron, I hate those automated voices too. And let me tell you, they really cannot understand what you are saying when you have kids screaming in the background.
    Or if you have a hick accent, (not that I do, I am just speculating).

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm old enough to remember when a human answered the phone. The were four colors of phones: white, black, green, and tan. You could have a desk phone or a wall phone. There was a cord. It was indestructable- but if you broke one, the phone company would give you a new one. It always worked! I would love to catch up with the bastard who broke up Ma Bell... I'd beat him within an inch of his life! Thanks for the vent!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Morning Casdok~

    Tee, hee....

    I was wondering if the UK also has this???

    Glad to hear it's not only ME who feels insane!

    Try this, it works...and I don't care what the hell Connie thinks!

    Thanks for taking the time to stop by, dear lady. Always a delight!

    Hey...and I also shared your blog with another dear friend of mine last week and she absolutely LOVES it! She may never leave you a comment...but just know that she will always enjoy reading.

    Enjoy your weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hello Ron,
    I too get annoyed with the automated voices on the other line of the phone. If I wanted to talk to a machine and I would go into the kitchen and have a conversation with the toaster. Yet, there are some good points about all the Connies in the world of automated phone conversations.
    Just last week my cell phone (his name is Vito) feel head over heels for a Connie on the other end of the wire. Since then his ringtone is more romantic and he never has a wrong number. My answering machine also was taken over by another Connie and he just loves to be called and waits eagerly for the calls to come in and go out.
    As far as ever being able to talk to human being on the phone again, I guess we will have to watch old black and white movies to see and dream of times past. Until then can I put you on hold.

    Have Wonderful Easter

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh, Akelamalu....you had me in Stitches!!!!!

    That was priceless!

    Even MORE than Connie...I hate this "multiple choice quizz" that the companies give you whenever you call!!!!

    Isn't it the WORST?????

    It takes 45 minutes JUST to hear all your choices!!!

    YES...we have this irritating little item on our phones too!

    Oh..thank you so much for sharing in this vent with me...it made me feel sooo much better!!

    Great seeing ya, my friend...and enjoy your weekend.

    Press 8 if you want to hang up.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Morning Nitebyrd~

    Hey...I've NEVER heard a "male Connie"...oh my god...I bet he sounded the the "Robot" in "Lost In Space."

    "DANGER, WILL....DANGER!!!"

    Isn't it the creepiest thing you've ever heard?? And they talk SO SLOW...you could go grocery shopping, and then come back...and they're STILL talking!!!

    Oy Vey!

    Great seeing ya, Nitebyrd. Thanks for the "fly by"!!!!!

    Enjoy your weekend!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hiya Nicole~

    Yes!!! Because they're "voice activated" I think any sound (including background noise) will most likely mess up their device.

    That's why if I start yelling, "AGENT!"...it cuts them off. I learned that from someone who works for the telephone company.

    Great tip!

    Thanks for dropping in today, Nicole... and for sharing in my automated phone voice maddness!!!

    Enjoy your weekend..an Happy Bunny Day!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Howdy Buffalo~

    Damn...you made me laugh!

    Ma Bell..

    You also brought back so many wonderful memories about telephones. Wasn't it SO much better when things were "simple?"

    I REMEMBER those phones. They weighed about 50 pounds and we're absolutely indestructable...you're right!!

    Hey...if you ever meet that bastard...slap him for me too!

    Thanks for stopping by, buddy. Always a HOOT!

    Enjoy your weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh man. I am laughing so hard! Great post and totally, totally true! Agree with akelamalu too!


    www.notesfromsmalltown.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete
  13. Morning Mr. Dave!

    You KILL ME with your humor!!!

    You are SOOOO witty!

    ...a conversation with your toaster!!!

    Hey...I bet Vito and Connie make some wonderful music together!

    Ring, ring...beep, beep...

    And you said it, Dave...that's why I continue to watch the old black and white movies, when they still had switchboards that the operators would plug into!!!

    How COOL was that???

    Thanks for stopping by today, kind sir. And for sharing GREATLY in my vent!

    Enjoy your weekend and have a blessed Easter!

    P.S. not too many peeps, ya hear?

    ReplyDelete
  14. Greetings Johnny's Mom!

    Welcome...thank you for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment!

    So glad you enjoyed!

    YES...Alelamalu's comment made me HOWL!!! And it's true!

    Please stop by anytime...it's nice having you here.

    Enjoy your weekend!

    P.S. Say, good-bye now, Connie....

    ReplyDelete
  15. ROTFLMAO
    I am still not sure whats worse,
    Connie
    the " I'm sorry i didn't understand that..."
    or the poor "My name is Rabindranath , you may call me Phil"
    Both of them I have a hard time understanding , and both of them are never very helpful.
    Connie at least is a machine and i don't feel bad screaming "agent at"
    but poor Phil has been taking English since he was 6 years old, and i still have no idea what he is saying....
    Thats why I always shoot for online support. I can read english better...
    ~giggle~
    Hellava VENT!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I want to bitch-slap Connie back to Barbie Land! And why is she always so damn perky?

    Doesn't she ever have PMS?


    That would be the day to call.


    Press 1 if you have chocolate

    Press 2 if you hate everything like I do right now.

    Press 3 go ahead, I dare you.

    Press any number if you're a man, because all you men are the same anyway, you'll just do what you want anyway...bastards!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh dear god, Sorrow...made me laugh my ass off!!!

    I SO TOTALLY agree with what you said about the "My name is Rabindranath , you may call me Phil."

    When I first got my new computer and needed assistance, I had a "Phil" and could NOT for the life of me understand him. He tried so hard to help me, but we kept interrupting one another saying, "Excuse me, but what did you just say??" On and on this went for 45 minutes!

    And I've ALSO did the "online assistance" with Vista, and after a while, I did find it much easier to communicate, but even that felt bazaar!

    DEAR GOD...is there EVER going to be people assisting people anymore???

    NOT!

    Oh, well...I can always just yell at Connie...AGENT!!!!

    God love ya, woman. And thanks for stopping by to share in my Vent. It's always a pleasure!

    Happy Easter, dear lady!

    ReplyDelete
  18. HOLY SHIT, JEFF...you made me laugh so hard, I passed gas!

    Oh, man....that was GREAT!

    Me TOO...it's the "perkiness" that irritates the hell out of me the most. It's like she just OD'd on a handful of "happy pills."

    Oh, well...thank god we can't REALLY hurt Connie's feelings!

    Thanks for adding so much VENT to this post, buddy...it was so enjoyed!

    Enjoy your weekend. And I wish you and your family a Happy Easter Day!

    "And thank you for calling customer service...good-bye!"

    ReplyDelete
  19. Me and the auto phone voices *crossing fingers*---like THAT.
    Yup.

    *rolling eyes*

    Either they suck or I suck.
    I haven't figured out which---

    Whatever happened to talking with human beings?
    Our time is so precious we don't have any for each other?

    *sigh*

    *grumbling*

    ReplyDelete
  20. Morning Mel!

    Me too....grumble, grumble...Grrrr!!! Woof...Woof!

    Ya, know...I think we should go back to 2 tin cans and a string. I mean, there would be no call-waiting or anything...but who cares!?!?!

    GREAT seeing ya, Mel!

    Hey...enjoy your Easter and PLEASE think of me when your're eating those "black jelly beans" because I will be doing the same thing...aren't they the BEST???

    ReplyDelete
  21. Evening Ron
    My good friend Nicole sent me over to say Hi.
    Love your blog

    ReplyDelete
  22. Try phoning an automated phone system in another country. the trouble we have when we have to call a US number and the cost of having to keep repeating ourselves until they finally decide to put us through to an operator as they 'did not recognise that reply.'

    I hope you have had a enjoyable and relaxing Easter break

    LiR

    ReplyDelete
  23. Greetings Flat Nicole~

    Welcome! And thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment!

    Oh, my...another NICOLE!!!!

    I love your avatar!

    Hey...any friend of Nicole is always welcomed to stop by here anytime...it's a pleasure having you here!

    Happy Bunny Day!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Howdy Lady in Red~

    Damn us AMERICAN'S!!!!!

    I totally indentify with your frustration. It's a pain in the ass, I know. I swear...the phone service here has turned into one BIG automated phone voice system!!!

    GGrrrrrr!!

    Thanks SO MUCH for stopping by on this Easter Day, Lady...it's always so nice seeing you!

    Enjoy your evening!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Ahhhhh, Ron!!!
    My post is up at Killer Hobbies!!!

    I told you I would let you know.

    Damn Flat Nicole, she is going around to all of my friends blogs and embarrassing me!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Good post Ron, dear heart!

    I really dislike it when it sounds like a real person saying hello and so you start talking and then you realize they are NOT real! So you have to start over because you did not hear the automated directions!!

    Now I just hit zero and sometimes that works...a real human!!
    F those directions anyway.:)

    Ah...technology. But we have to love it though because we wouldn't get to "vent"...right???

    Love ya!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Happy Easter Dearest Gypysy-Heart~

    HAPPY BUNNY DAY!!!!!!

    Tee, hee, hee!

    I wrote this post, because last week I had one of these freaky phone voices on a customer service call with my phone company and I needed to V-E-N-T!

    So...YEA...this gives me GREAT "vent material!"

    Hey...I never tried just hitting ZERO. Does that work?

    Nah...I think I'll just continue to scream AGENT!!! It feels so much better.

    God love ya, woman. And thanks for stopping by to say HEY HO!

    P.S. Give my love to Connie if you ever talk to her.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hey FLAT NICOLE....you little bugger you!

    I had NO IDEA it was YOU!!!!

    I honestly don't remember you telling me you were starting a new blog?!?!?

    I stopped over earlier when I saw your post this evening..and it looked FABULOUS!!! I'll be by again later, as soon as I get my post ready for tomorrow.

    Sincerely,
    Flat Ron

    ReplyDelete
  29. Loved this! You are FUNNY! Thanks for the laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Welcome BKV!

    Thank you for stopping by and for taking the time to leave a comment. That's very nice of you!

    So glad you enjoyed my "insanity" for Connie!

    Stop by anytime...you're always welcomed!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Ahahahahaha - I love it! You are SO right! Whenever I hear a recording, I instantly press zero... if that doesn't transfer me to a live person, I hang up.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Howdy Misty Dawn~

    Hey...I never tried pressing zero before...

    However, being rude to Connie, somehow feels SO MUCH better!!

    (sorry, Connie)

    Thanks for visiting this evening, my friend. Much appreciated!

    Press 7 - to get rid of automated phone voices.

    ReplyDelete
  33. LMAO!!! Shamefully, there has been more than one occasion when I have told Connie or whoever to go F themselves in a fit of frustration that I couldn't speak w/ a human being.

    Imagine if customer service was actually customer service? As in - not made for convenience to the company, but tailored to the customer's convenience? hmmm...there's a thought!

    i'm loving your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Hello again Christina!

    OMG...you're FUNNY!!

    It's so wonderful to hear someone else feel the same way I do about CONNIE!!!

    IS IT NOT THE WORST AND MOST FRUSTRATING EXPERIENCE???

    Oh...and WHAT'S "customer service??"

    I seem to remember those words, but can't remember what it IS!!!

    HA!

    I'm actually in customer service, and I find it such a shame, when I watch what it's turned into.

    Oh, well...that's another post!

    So glad you enjoy, Vent.

    Thank you for stopping by!

    ReplyDelete