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The other day I decided to add some THRILL to my life and try a new toothpaste.

(I thought it would be so much easier than the thrill of maybe trying a bikini wax)

Ok…so I’m standing there in the drug store looking at five shelves, filled with about 10 million brands of toothpaste…all swearing to give my mouth the whitest, brightest, sexiest, and healthiest smile on the face of this earth.

(oh dear, I’m a Libra…and I would rather get a rectal examination, than make a decision)

Too many choices here….

-Do I try the one with baking soda and bubbling peroxide, or do I try the one with enamel strengtheners, but does NOT have baking soda and peroxide, yet DOES have a 25 cent mail-in rebate?

-Or do I try the one with extra fluoride protection and a mild abrasive ingredient, or do I try the one for sensitive gums, but yet, does not have any bad-breath protection?

-Or should I try the one for wine, coffee, tobacco, severe tartar build-up, and paint stains, that also comes with a side-effect warning that if swallowed…may make my penis shrink?

-Or do I try the totally natural one, that the Peruvian natives use, which contains a rare tree bark called, nee-nee kah-kah?

-Or I could try the one with “sparkles and confetti” in it, that tastes like wild strawberries, which also comes with a Sponge Bob toothbrush.

-Or I could just say, KISS MY RECTAL ASS and continue using the same DAMN toothpaste that I’ve been happy with, and get the HELL out of this annoying drug store, and then go have a great burger at “5 Guys.”

Yea…I think that’s what I’ll do.

And then I’ll go home and brush my teeth with my faithful Buzz Light-Year toothbrush….

(and also make an appointment for a bikini waxing)

P.S. Have a great weekend, everyone!