My BUG Phobia

During the entire 7 years that I’ve lived in this apartment building, I’ve never ONCE seen a bug.

(and that’s pretty incredible when you live in a rat infested city)

However last night, while I was sitting at this computer…I suddenly noticed out of the corner of my eye…something moving VERY quickly up the wall.

I turned to look…

OH MY GOD…it was a centipede-looking-thing. It had HUGE antenna’s and about 50 thousand legs that made it move like a caterpillar on SPEED.

My toes curled as I watched it run behind one of the mirrors hanging directly in front of my desk. I quickly found a shoe and started hitting the frame in the hopes of scaring it to death.

And then I suddenly noticed those HUGE antenna’s sticking out from the edge of the frame.

I knew what he was thinking….“I’ll make a quick DASH for it.”

He tried…but I was much too fast for him.

SPLAT!

(I know that eventually I’ll have to come back as a bug in my next life because of this pre-meditated murder. However, I don’t give a shit…I’ll deal with that later)

Having lived in Florida for almost 20 years…I’ve murdered about 7 billion bugs.

(so I’ve got A LOT of bug incarnations ahead of me)

Florida is the CAPITAL of bugs.

Several of my readers live in Florida, so I know you’ll agree with me, when I say that Palmetto bugs are the spawn of SATAN.

Palmetto bugs are these black, horrid, flying creatures that come up from the depths of hell and laugh at you, simply because they know how ugly they are, and that they’ll scare you into cardiac arrest.

(see photo above)

They’re so HUGE that you could literally strap a saddle on them and ride them!

And they're absolutely impossible to destroy.

(outside of a steamroller)

I once used half a can of Aqua Net Hairspray on one...and the only thing that happened, was that it's hair looked better.

And the retched SPIDERS who lurk in Florida are about the size of a Frisbee and have FUR on them.

Thank god I had two cats, because whenever a palmetto bug or spider would get into my apartment, they would both play the most exuberant game of ice hockey with them.

Ping!.…ping!….ping!

And if the cats didn’t get them, I would sometimes use the hose on my vacuum cleaner and SUCK them off the wall!

One time a spider got behind my bed and hid. I had to sleep on the couch with the cats for two weeks (with one eye open) in fear that it would crawl on me in the middle of the night and bite me.

I’ll be honest with you…I’m a compete WUSS when it comes to bugs.

Give me a mouse, rat, snake, or a rapid pit-bull anytime…

But a BUG…totally freaks me the hell out!


32 comments

  1. We all have our phobias, don't we Ron? I don't mind bugs. Hey, I don't love them or anything, but they don't totally creep me out.
    I have a phobia of snakes. And really bad!!! I cannot even stand to look at a snake. Like, if I am driving and I see a snake crawling across the road, my stomach flips and I automatically raise up my feet. Like the snake can get me while I am inside the car? Duh!! I don't know why I do that.
    About 7 years ago, I had just sold my house and my husband's house (the one we live in now) was rented (we were waiting for the tenants to move out) so we were staying with my dad for a few weeks.
    My oldest son was about 10 at the time and I sent him out to the kitchen to do his homework. He came back to the living room about 10 seconds later, just as calm as could be and said, "There's a snake in the kitchen." All hell broke loose at that point. My husband and my brother in law were both there at the time, neither of them where man enough to just grab it. My sister and I were standing on chairs screaming. My dad wasn't home.
    Anyways, one of the neighbors ended up coming over and getting it out of the house. But I made my husband take me to a hotel for a couple of days after that.
    And Ron, it was a tiny snake, maybe 6 inches, about as big around as a pencil. I don't think it was poinonous either, but still. A snake is a snake!!! To me anyways.
    I have a couple of snake freak out stories with me as the guest star!!
    So you have your bug phobia, I have my snake phobia. We're all good!!!

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  2. Nope.

    <-- checking my size in relation to the bug size

    Nope.

    And just for the record, yesterday I freed the lightening bug that had found it's way into the dining room at work....smiling as the 24 young ladies shrieked and carried on.
    I even tormented a couple of 'em on my way out the door with the poor little bug......

    LOL

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  3. I get sooooooo freaked out by millipedes, centipedes, even worms. My hub knows the mention of him gardening with worms sends me off the edge.
    While in an apartment on the ground floor near a small wooded area, we got crickets. That freaked me out because he worked nights then and if I were up watching t.v. late, they'de be right there with me.
    And in another apartment we were on the top floor, and when someone below exterminated we got their roaches. Eeeew. I had them in the kitchen and starting to move into our living room. So we had to exterminate too but they still managed to get into some books and other places.
    I still think I can take roaches and crickets better than I can those crawly leggy thingies. I'm starting to get all creepy just thinking about what's going on under hub's tomato plants........

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  4. Oh, DAMNN Nicole....your story had me laughing my freakin' butt off!

    I could actually visualize this happening!!

    Especially YOU in car and your reaction to the snake in the road!

    OMG...what a GREAT story!

    Hey, listen...I know of MANY people who have that same fear!!!

    Isn't it interesting how certain things affect people differently?

    I honestly think it's a "visual thing" with me. Anything that has lots of extremeties and moves fast gives me the CREEPS!

    I mean...I TOO jump on chairs and scream!

    Oh god...but isn't FUN to blog about it and then LAUGH???

    Thanks for sharing such a wonderful story, Nicole!

    Have an awesome day!

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  5. Mornin' Mel~

    OMG....I LOVE lightening bugs!

    And we don't seem to get that many here in the city anymore. I use to see a lot in the parks. I so enjoy their blinking glows!

    But a creepy crawly creature?.....NO WAY!

    I wish I COULD rationalize it as a SIZE thing...but my "scaredy-cat gene" just takes over!?!?

    Thanks for stopping by today, Mel!

    And please tell Seemore, Seeless, Frank, Harry, and Mrs. Cardinal I said hello!

    Enjoy your day, dear lady!

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  6. Mornin' Crystal Chick~

    OMG...is that a CENTIPEDE I SEE SITTING NEXT TO YOU???????

    HOLY SHIT...RUN, RUN, RUN!

    Don't you just HATE them, M?

    Damn, they freak me out!

    And that's the "thing" with roaches/palmetto bugs...I don't care how much you exterminate them...they just switch to another location!

    Oh, boy...in Florida, I TOO would find them in books.

    (I read somewhere that they LOVE the taste of GLUE)

    And I could NEVER have a toaster over either, because in a matter of days (if I didn't keep it "crumb-free")...it would turn into a 5 Star ROACH MOTEL!

    I would sometimes even find one in the pant leg of my jeans, so when I put them on...they would crawl around on my leg!!!

    EEEEEEEEWWWWW!

    I'm getting all "creepy" thinking about it now too!

    So glad you share my phobia!

    We can SCREAM together!

    Thanks for dropping by, M...enjoy your day!

    P.S. and watch out for that centipede!!

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  7. laurel clarkJune 25, 2008

    Hey Ron,I really laughed at this one cause I KNOW how much you hate creepy crawlies!
    My 2 worst Florida bug stories happened years ago. The 1st was when my hubby and I moved into a cheap apartment with my Mom and 3 sisters. I saw a Roach crawling by the Fridge and sprayed him, then just to be safe I sprayed between the counter and Fridge. Seconds later a whole bunch of them came running out flipping and flopping from the spray. I screamed and everyone ran into the kitchen and started to scream and someone got the bright idea to move the Fridge in case more were hiding. My husband pulled it out and HUNDREDS of bugs scurried everywhere. We were all screaming and spraying and stomping. The whole building had to be fumigated that week.
    The other horrible bug moment involved my daughter who was somewhere around 1yrs old at the time. We were visiting a friend and sitting on her living room floor with the baby crawling close by. I was talking and watching her when I spotted a big Roach crawling right next to her. I called her name and started to reach over to her when she grabbed the bug in her chubby little hand and popped it into her mouth. I screamed, my friend screamed and in the 3 seconds I was frozen in horror she swallowed it. My friend and I jumped up and basically ran around in circles freaking out while my daughter gurgled happily on the rug. It was at this exact moment I knew I would NEVER have another kid. Thanks for the Vent!

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  8. OMG
    Ants..
    ants make me lose it completely.
    I will carry a spider to the door, smash a cockroach with out a glance, but my skin CRAWLS AT an ANT>
    nasty little buggers..
    they remind me of some people i know...
    marching along single file " look! my piece of leaf is bigger than yours!"
    hate ants...

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  9. I loathe bugs - I share your dislike of them !

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  10. Now, although I'm generally pretty cool with bugs, it's those Palmettos that you mentioned and their flightless lookalikes, cockroaches, that get my hackles up.

    Neither can be reasoned with. I've managed to coax a few dozen spiders in my life onto a piece of paper for me to deposit them outside, but the roaches just scurry away, and the palmetto bugs decide that it's a grand time to fly toward my face, making the worst "Blllleeeuuuughaaaaaaaauuuuugh" sound while flying. It's at that point that the Gustav Holst piece "Mars, Bringer of War" begins and, combat boot in hand, we square off.

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  11. OMG! Ron! Palmetto bugs are the devil, to be sure! I HATE those ugly mole crickets and stick bugs. *shudder*

    I kill 'em all the time. I almost beat a poor, lost bat to death once thinking he was a huge Palmetto bug! (I realized he was furry before I wacked him!)

    As long as no clowns are creeping up my walls, I can handle the bugs.

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  12. I'll gladly come resuce you any time!

    I like some bugs - I adore spiders. I'm on a no-kill journey so I do my best to catch and release, even the creepy ones.

    Many years ago we had a terrible palmetto problem - I call them hopping roaches! and this was in Brooklyn, I guess they came up for the summer.

    anyway - one night this huge bastard was running around the kitchen and I wasn't so Zen then so kill was my mission. I kept spraying him with some kind of cleanser foam and then trying to capture him on the head of a sponge mop. Each time he'd dart out I would scream and eventually woke up my son, then a kid. Poor kid comes running to save Mom. His bare heel hits a puddle of foam on a ceramic tile floor, he does a cartoon like fall - up first and then lands on his butt and slides all the way across the hall and into the refrigerator!

    I was laughing so hard I lost track of the bug!!

    To this day it is one of our favorite stories and we can't get thru it we're laughing so hard.

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  13. HOLY SHIT LAUREL!!!!!

    I AM TOTALLY, TOTALLY, TOTALLY FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!

    Ok...it was horrid enough to hear about the PLETHORA of bugs behind the frig (which actually made my hair just stand up!!) But to hear about your child, EATING ONE OF THEM....makes me feel like I need a straight-jacket!!!!!!!

    DEAR GOD WOMAN...HOW DID YOU HANDLE THAT???

    I would have DIED right there!

    This is ABSOLUTELY the most INCREDIBLE bug story I've ever heard in my life!

    I don't think I'll ever be the same!

    THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS LAUREL!!

    And hey, everyone...just in case you didn't catch this on the Cracker Jack post....Laurel is a GREAT friend of my from Florida She's a fabulous theater director and actor!

    And a heck of wonderful person too!

    (just thought I'd brag)

    So everyone...say Hi to Laurel!

    Thanks for stopping by, my friend!

    LOVED this Vent!

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  14. Evening Lady Sorrow~

    This post has been SOOOO interesting in finding out what types of creepy crawlies things freak everyone out!

    So glad you mentioned ANTS. I once stood on a nest of FIRE ANTS when I lived in Florida...and MAN ON MAN...it was the most PAINFUL experience in my life!

    And their bites take FOREVER to leave your skin!!

    I looked like a leper for months!

    So I can definately see why they would creep you out!

    I laughed at your comment about how they walk in single file and could probably carry an elephant on their backs!

    They definately have strength in PAIRS!

    Thanks for sharing, dear lady!

    Always great seeing ya!

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  15. Evening Annie!

    Aren't they the NASTIEST things?

    I feel so bad for hating them...but I DO!!

    OH GOD...I can JUST see my next life!

    OY VEY!

    Thanks for dropping in Annie!

    Hope you're having a wonderful Wednesday!

    (and BUG-FREE)

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  16. Howdy Ben!

    So GREAT seeing ya, bud!

    YES!!!!!! It's those palmetto's that FREAK me out the MOST!

    It's the "flying part" that gets to me. They sound like helicopters...I swear!

    And their color and shape too!

    They look so evil!

    So glad to hear that you LOVE them as much as I do!

    Thanks for your visit, Ben!

    And thanks for sharing!

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  17. OMG Nitebyrd...your BAT/Palmetto bug confusion made me HOWL!!!

    Cause it's the TRUTH!!

    They're the size of a freakin' BAT!

    oooh...oooh and the stick bugs you mentioned I totally FORGOT about! The thing about them that freaks me out the most...is that you cannot SEE them. They look like a STICK on the ground!!

    Isn't that SO deceitful??

    I'll tell you something...I DO NOT miss the bugga-boos in Florida.

    However I DO miss the little lizards. I always thought they were so cute!

    (and so did my CATS!)

    Thanks for stopping by and confirming my Florida bug FEAR!

    SEE EVERYONE...even Nitebyrd hates them!

    Enjoy your evening, my crazy and wonderful pal!

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  18. OMG Dianne....that story was PRICELESS!!!

    Damn...it made me LAUGH!

    The vision of your son slidding on the floor will be FOREVER engraved on my brain!

    Isn't funny how we ALL grab the nearest can of spray (no matter what the hell it is) and start SPRAYING!!!

    One time I grabbed a can of AQUA NET HAIR SPRAY...and it like FROZE the palmetto in mid-walk!

    (that's some strong HOLD)

    Thanks SO much for sharing that HYSTERICAL story, Dianne.

    It was such a TREAT!

    *Everyones comments on this post are giving me the BEST laughs!

    THANKS EVERYONE!

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  19. Oh, god, that picture is going to give me nightmares for weeks. Damn you, Ron! Damn you!!

    I hate spiders and creepy bugs. I scream like a girl as I kill them.

    ONe year at camp, I was in a new cabin...and apparently the new construction had stirred up scorpions...and the scorpions were DROPPING from the ceilings. WE had to push all our bunk beds together and sleep on the bottom bunks. It was HORRIBLE.

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  20. Howdy Rhea!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Isn't it the most disgusting picture??? I search HOURS for that photo! And then after I published this post I thought, "Damn Ron...you should have at least made the photo smaller."

    Ever since I wrote this post, I've been having dreams about bugs crawling on me!

    ooooh....oooooh your story about the scorpions gave me the WILLIES! I think I would have DIED!

    It reminded me of a friend of mine in Florida, who one day picked up her bed comforter at the dry cleaner...and when she opened it up to place on her bed....OUT JUMPED A SCORPION!!!

    She said it was HORRIBLE! She called her boyfriend to come over and kill it.

    Hey, listen...I scream like a girl too!

    Bugs just do that to me!!

    Thanks so much for sharing your "Bug Story" Rhea!

    Thoroughly enjoyed it!

    Now...watch out for those SCORPIONS!!!!

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  21. Palmetto bugs SUCK! We have them in TX too, or something very very similar. Once I was on the computer and one crawled out from under the keyboard onto the top of the keyboard and I FREAKED!!!!

    My son isn't big on bugs either... we're a bunch of sissies!

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  22. Mornin' Bekah!

    Hey, listen...if a palmetto bug crawled out from under my keyboard...I would have been a sissy AND gone INSANE!

    Aren't they the most horrid, putrid things?

    I've heard that Texas, like Florida (because of the humidity) is also very buggy. A friend of mine use to live in San Antonio.

    Thanks for sharing your "bug story" Bekah!

    And watch out for those keyboards!!

    Enoy your day!

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  23. Those terrible looking things on your blog would BUG me too. I do not like to look at them and what they do to the neighborhood is beyond description. They know how to survive though. They have been around for a million years and there is about 300 gazillion species of these little critters. I do like Bugs Bunny now here is a Bugs that make me smile I would love to have him around the place more often. We have all had share of bug mutilations and murders. They are just one of the irratations that we must endure (Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor).

    Thanks for the post.

    I do not want to bug you any longer have a great day. Now only if I could rub my legs together and make a chirping sound.

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  24. I am having a crappy time with my comments.I left one here and It looks funny when I hit publish comment. NO not funny ha ha. It was like a Michel Meyers routine...anyway I got shagged somehow on this.
    Anyway...sweetie...bugs, bug me to no end. I squish them like...like...bugs.

    I will dismantle my bed room to get to a spider and be the spider/bug serial killer that I am. I think of it like being back home on the ranch/farm, They are a traspassing and-a I'm-a gonnna have tah shoot them on sight. I'm the judge and jury and they ain't no appeal. It's the code of the west. And it ain't my promblem they can't read a word of Engish. Yeppin...I once thought I was feeling poorly cause I had killed a spider...but I was wong it was that heartburn from that burrito I had for lunch.

    Ciao babe...Oh and my girl is lots more a scary cat than anyone on the face of this earth...no lie. :D

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  25. ahhhhhhh i hate bugs more than anything! i would have screamed and ran out of there like a total girl. once i had a centapede ask me to pass the soap in the shower! i ran out screaming, left the water on and everything!

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  26. Welcome April!

    Hey, thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment!

    Your bug story made me laugh!

    aaaaahhhhh!!! is right!

    You reminded me of a time when I lived in Florida. While taking a shower one day...one of those DAMN palmetto bugs was hiding between the shower curtains...and suddenly it appeared!

    I did exactly like you!

    It's FUN to scream isn't it????

    Please stop by anytime, April!

    Nice meeting you!

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  27. Oh Miss Jones...your comments always take me on a wonderful journey of LAUGHTER!!

    Thank you for that!

    Hey, listen...me too! I've been having the WORST time leaving comments (I thought is was just me). A few days ago, I left this long ass comment on someones blog...and when I hit publish...that damn thing was GONE!!!

    GRGRRRRRRR!

    I'm getting to the point where I'm using Note Pad to write my comments and then copying them on the comment page!

    It's sooo annoying isn't it???

    Anyway...BUGS....I HATE THEM!! And like you...I will kill them. And you're right...it's like living on a ranch, and I feel like a macho Daniel Boone.

    However...a SCREAMING macho Daniel Boone!

    Thanks oodles and oodles for stopping by, Spiky!

    Always a TREAT talkin' to ya!

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  28. "I do not want to bug you any longer have a great day. Now only if I could rub my legs together and make a chirping sound."

    YOU SLAY ME DAVE!!!

    FUNNY MAN you are!!

    I know...I read somewhere that these roach creatures have been on this earth for EONS and have NO intention of ever leaving!

    Oh...now BUGS BUNNY???

    LOVE HIM TOO! But he's a different kind of BUG!! Aren't his cartoons hysterical?

    Ok...so promise me if I incarnate into a spider (and I'm in your house) you won't SWAT me?

    Maybe just a little Reiki!

    GREAT seeing ya, my friend!

    Thanks for that wonderful DAVE energy!!!!

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  29. Oh I know what you mean about us thinking on the same lines now Ron! LOL

    Don't you feel guilty killing bugs you know with one of the Reiki precepts saying
    .......I will be kind to every living thing?

    Nah bugs don't count! ;)

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  30. Evening Akelamalu~

    YES!!!! When I came over and saw your post...I just about died!

    The two of use were talking about the same fear on the SAME day!

    The MAGIC of the Blog World!!!

    I've actually tried Reiki to get rid of bugs, but sometimes in a fearful moment...a SWAT works the fastest!!!

    tee, hee!

    Hey...thanks for sharing a mutual fear with me, dear lady!

    It's so nice to know I'm not ALONE!

    Now...watch out for that ROACH!!!!

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  31. Oh noooo :-(

    The poor bug!!!

    LOL finally, something we DON'T have in common!!!

    I love all creatures big and small, beautiful and ugly, harmless and dangerous!!!

    Heeeheee oh Ronnie you would DIE if you stepped foot in our house!

    The top pic you have looks exactly like our flying cockroaches! They are everywhere!!!!! xx

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  32. That's ok, GIGGLES...

    We can't LOVE everything the same, ya know?

    And if what the Buddists say is true...I will coming back as SEVERAL bugs!

    And if I do...I'll come live at your house...cause I know you won't kill me!

    Thank you!

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