Wednesday, July 23, 2008

My Fear of Clowns

I would like to preface this post, by saying that if there are any professional clowns who happen to be reading this…

I’m terribly sorry…try not to take this too personal.

I know there must be at least a handful of people on this planet who enjoy clowns….however, I am not one of them.

I can’t actually say that I hate clowns…it’s more of a blood-curdling and terrorizing fear whenever I see one.

I find them totally horrifying.

To me, clowns don’t look the least bit happy…they just look as though they’re possessed by some demonic energy that causes them to act like a FREAK.

And their hair and make up always looks like it was styled by a cosmetologist who was smoking marijuana that was laced with angel dust.

For the most part, clowns don’t speak, they just run around doing nonsensical things like making animal figures with balloons and honking a bicycle horn. Either that…or spraying you in the face with water that shoots out from a HUGE flower on their coat lapel.

How unfunny and annoying is that?

And to be honest…I’ve never seen a child smile or laugh at a clown. Usually they BURST out into tears and scream bloody murder.

I remember as a kid, going to the Barnum and Bailey Circus and begging my parents to sit far up in the bleachers, because I did not want clowns coming anywhere near me during the show.

And god forbid if one ever tried to touch me.

It’s weird, because sometimes I would spot an off-duty clown walking around the circus grounds and I swear…they always looked MEAN and NASTY. Like they really hated children.

I had an aunt who was an artist. And her “specialty” was painting pictures of clowns. Every wall in her friggin’ den was covered with these horrifying images of clowns. I remember being scared to be alone in the room with them, because no matter where I looked...a clown was staring at me. And one day she actually thought she was doing me a big favor, by telling me that I could select any one of the pictures on the wall, and it was mine.

In order not to hurt her feelings, I grabbed one at random and carried it home FACE DOWN so I wouldn’t have to look at it’s ugly face. And then I shoved into a garbage bag and placed it in a dark corner in the garage.

(I wonder what the hell ever happened to that?)

I’ve never seen the movie “IT” and will NEVER EVER…in fear that I won’t sleep for the rest of my life.

I’m sorry clowns…but you’re not funny.

You’re hideously scary.

And I think maybe you should consider the possibility of another occupation.

Maybe something a little less life threatening….