Facing my Demons


It totally shocked my parents when they first saw me onstage in junior high school.

Mainly, because I was such a shy and withdrawn child, and showed no signs of being an extrovert. They couldn’t understand where all this free-spirited energy came from.

In fact, I remember my mother saying to me, “Where have you been hiding all this, Ronnie?”

I think many actors will tell you that as children, they too were shy and withdrawn individuals.

Yet, acting for me was like a magical key that first opened the door to my creative soul and set it free.

But this door also brought into light…my demons.

My fears.

I don’t think a performance ever went by where I wasn’t paralyzed with fear. And I don’t care how many times I repeated a performance, every time I stepped onstage…I was petrified. I would stand in the wings and say to myself, “Why are you doing this, Ron? This is crazy. You’re freaking scared out of your mind, yet you keep doing this to yourself. Why?"

Acting onstage placed me in a state of vulnerability. A place of not knowing. A place of trusting myself. Of letting go and allowing.

Not only was it a place for me to express my creative energy, but also a place to expose my insecurities.

And what better place for me to expose them, than to stand in front of 375 people each night; allowing myself to be looked at and judged.

Because that’s what all my fears basically come down to…

….being judged.

If I wasn’t afraid of being judged, there would be nothing to fear.

And it took me awhile to realize something…

…it really wasn’t the fear of being judged by others that I was feeling, but rather self-judgment and self-doubt.

So every time I stepped on that stage, it was like looking into a mirror...






Have a wonderful weekend, everyone!

X

22 comments

  1. Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone could face their fears and just get out there and do what makes them so happy. The world would really be an awesome place if everyone would tap into their own special creativity.
    Bravo for you, Ron, for perservering through some very difficult times and letting your talents come through!!

    Have a great weekend.

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  2. I understand what you mean. But maybe it is like a natural rush/high for you too.

    I can't drive worth the life of me but when ever I try it is so scary for me but wow such a ruch at the same time.

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  3. Morning Crystal-Chick!!!

    Ya, know...I think it's this way for many artistic/creative souls.

    I'm forever reminded through the lessons I've learned in the theater, about how I STILL sometimes doubt myself.

    My demons have been great teachers!

    ooooh...I thought of you yesterday while I was in NYC. It was the most gorgeous day. A perfect day for taking photos! You would have LOVED it! I also ate lunch at a wonderful health-food cafe. The sandwich was to DIE FOR!!!!

    Thanks for stopping by, M!

    Have wonderful weekend!!!!!

    X

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  4. Well put, Ron. I got into acting a bit in HS, and I know exactly what you're talking about. All the excitement of getting a good role went out the window waiting in the wings on opening night. "Why the hell did I get myself into this" was indeed a common thought.

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  5. Helloooo Grumpy!

    Oh...ABSOLUTELY! It's a TOTAL rush/high for me.

    And like you shared about your fear of driving...

    ...even though you fear it, when you do it...you get a rush!

    For me, that rush comes from doing it, even though I'm afraid. Fear can be a wonderful teacher.

    Hey...and BRAVO to you for getting out there and driving inspite of your fear, Grumpy!

    Thanks for dropping by today!

    Have an awesome weekend!

    X

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  6. Mornin' Chris!

    Oh man...I remember one time, standing in the wings thinking to myself, "Just get in car and head for the border!!!"

    I wanted to RUN!!!!!

    I can tell from your great writing, I bet you were a dynamite actor!

    Thanks for sharing on the is post, bud!

    Enjoy your weekend!

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  7. we all have to face out demons,concoure them and shine as the spirts that we are.My thing is music.

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  8. Hi Mike!

    Beautifully stated!

    Thank you for sharing, bud!

    Stop by anytime, you're always welcome!

    Enjoy your weekend!

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  9. BRAVO BRAVO!!!
    woohoo!! (picture JRoberts in pretty woman after the opera, heehee)

    I'm in the audience, making an ass of myself as I yell at you, how wonderful you are, up there on the stage, being magnificent!

    I am a total coward about being onstage but then again, I've not been onstage before and maybe I shouldn't knock it til I've tried it? hmmm...no, I don't think so ;)

    Have a great weekend, ron!
    xoxo

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  10. I think everyone is afraid of being judged Ron. Thankfully it is a feeling that subsides as one gets older don't you think?

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  11. OMG...Linda...I thought you were out of town???

    It's great seeing ya, dear lady!!

    tee, hee...I LOVE your analogy of Pretty Woman!! Didn't you just love that film?

    Oh come on...I bet you'd be a natural onstage. You and I can do a production of the Noel Coward comdey play, Private Lives....it's BRILLIANT!

    And I'll tell ya, even though it's scary being onstage...once your up there, it's a feeling that's close to FLYING! It's wonderful!

    Thanks for stopping by, Linda!

    Have a great weekend, Julia!

    tee, hee

    X

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  12. Good Morning Akelamalu!

    Yes, ma'dear...it is most definitely a feeling that subsides as we get older....

    ....THANK GOD!

    Always VUNDERBAR seeing ya, my friend.

    Enjoy your weekend!

    X

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  13. My whole life is fear based. If I didn't just DO IT every day, I would never get out of bed.

    Bravo to you for going forth through the fear!

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  14. Morning Chrissy!

    You said it, girl!

    If I didn't make myself get out on that stage everynight and DO IT, I would have never done it.

    Fear has been such a great lesson for me. I don't like being afraid, so it always makes me want to face it even more.

    I'm a stubborn Libra!

    tee, hee!

    Thanks for sharing, Chrissy!

    Enjoy your weekend, dear lady!

    X

    P.S. I LOVED your last post!!!

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  15. Visiting here (and other places) gives me a good look in the mirror--I think that's a good thing.

    Fear does strange things to me. I forge on inspite of it..cuz.... It ain't all bad, but I'm thinkin' you've discovered that.
    Ain't all comfy--but ain't all bad, either.

    Blessings to you, sir!

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  16. Hiya Mel!

    Oh boy...I couldn't have said it any better!!!!

    Fear.

    It ain't all bad, either!

    It places me in a position to always GROW. And that's a good thing!

    Thanks for sharing, dear lady!

    You've added much!

    Hope your having a spectacular weekend!

    X

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  17. Hi ronnie ababy...I'm afraid to face my fears...dang it.

    Funny huh...mom knew we were good on stage. Me and Kathy used to perform for mom, but she was shocked when she saw me jump lifted on my dance partner's shoulder.

    When that curtain opens...it was ronnie the performer. I know what you mean...once that door opens...you feel like Alice in Wonderland. It's new and wonderful.

    I'm not sick before I perform anymore. I've danced with Kathy those years and Um...I've danced at the club, stripper pole and all...or should I say less. Anyway, once you do that...your fear seems to pack it's bags and go.

    I loved your post sweetie...it's lets your readers know you a little more. And I find when I do know more about you...I seem to love you even more each time.

    Ciao sweetie...hope your weekend was fabulous.

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  18. Dearest Miss Jones....

    aaaahhh, yes...you and I have much in common being stage performers, don't we?

    ...once that door opens...you feel like Alice in Wonderland. It's new and wonderful.

    That explains it SOOOO utterly perfect Miss J!

    OMG...I bet you and your sister ROCK!! I can tell just in knowing from blogging, you're one hell of a showman!

    Shit...you and I need to hit Vegas, baby!

    I hear the Sahara is looking for a new act!

    The Spiky-Ron Show

    hahahahahahaha!

    Thanks for sharing your sweet comment, dear friend!

    Love ya too!!!!

    Enjoy the rest of your evening, sweets!

    ciao bella
    X

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  19. Beautifully written, my creative friend. I think quite possibly one of my favorite posts of yours (how many times have I said that..well, dammit, you're too good)!
    Anyway I so relate your words and I thank you for sharing them! These reminders came at a perfect time for me. :)

    Love Ya!

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  20. Hello Dearest Gypsy-Heart!

    OMG...you're so cute!!

    Thanks, dear friend!

    I know that YOU, being an artist and having a creative soul, understand what I mean here.

    It's learning to "be the channel" and letting go of human fear...allowing the energy to take us!

    Thanks for stopping by today, Gypsy!

    I always enjoy your presence here!

    Love ya!
    X

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  21. You're very brave, Ron. I was also extremely shy as a child. I could never, ever have gone onstage. I could now, because I don't give a rat's ass about what people think anymore! LOL

    I hate being judgemental but I've judged you as ... FABULOUS!

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  22. awwwww shucks, Sis...you're too-too sweet!

    Of course...you KNOW that I feel the exact same way about YOU!!!

    FABU!

    Yes...it's us "shy folks" who end up onstage being HAMS!

    tee, hee

    Love ya, Nitebyrd!
    X

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