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What I’m about to share with you today may scar your psyche for life.

So please don’t say that I didn’t warn you and then tell me how GROSS this is.

Many years ago, a rare and exotic beauty secret was revealed about how applying Preparation H Hemorrhoid Ointment on the face, could temporarily reducing the appearance of wrinkles and puffiness around the eyes.

I actually saw a woman on either Oprah or Phil Donahue talking about this and then demonstrating how it worked. All I can remember is sitting there staring at the TV screen with my mouth and eyes wide open, not believing what I was hearing and seeing.

Apparently, because Preparation H shrinks rectal wrinkles, someone in their infinite wisdom figured out it could also shrink facial wrinkles.

Who knew?

But what I would like to know is who actually discovered this?

Who was the first person to go, “Gee…I think because I just finished putting this ointment on my ass, let me see if it does something for my crows feet?”

I recently read an article online claiming that supermodels swear by hemorrhoid cream to maintain taught and youthful-looking eyes.

Here’s part of the article:

The active ingredient in Preparation H phenylephrine, is believed to tighten skin by temporarily constricting blood vessels and shrinking it’s tissue. Please note: This is not recommended for those with sensitive skin, as it can irritate the gentle thin tissue around the eyes.

Well…I guess that only leaves elephants and alligators.

Ok, listen…I’m as vain as the next guy, and I am willing to try just about anything, including pasteurized bumble bee sperm to reduce the appearance of my 53 year old eye wrinkles.

But there’s no way in HELL I would put an ointment that was intended for my ass, on my face.

I mean, I like my ass…don’t get me wrong, but I like my face much more.

And never the two shall meet.

I don't think so.

Update: I will be in NYC today (Thursday), so I will be responding to comments later in the evening. Thank you for your patience everyone.....X


  1. Come on...try it...I dare ya!

    Which reminds me...I'm due for a microdermabrasion. Ever try that? It's like getting your face-sandblasted like a part from a rusty ford pickup.
    (sun damage...I used to run in sand in the hottest part of the day in my young skinny days. *sigh*)

  2. ROFLMAO~ where's my H?


    I'm going to try it :D

  3. OMG ... that was really hilarious. I remember when this 'beauty tip' came out in Vogue or Glamour or some such shite mag. I too uttered the phrase 'I'm not putting something intended for my arse near my eyeballs!'

    Unbelievable truly!

  4. I'd heard about this too. I'm with you, No Freakin' Way!

  5. Well, to be perfectly honest, I HAVE used toilet paper to blow my nose. But your point is well taken.

  6. Aloha Debi!

    Ok...I can't resist a DOUBLE DARE so I'll try it and get back to you, ok????



    No, I've never tried microdermabrasion, but I've seen the results on several people and it looked wonderful! I know it's much easier than dermabrasion.

    Me too, Deb...all those years I spent BAKING in the Florida sun on a FOIL beach blanket!!!!

    OY VEY!

    Thanks for stopping by!

    Happy Wednesday to ya!


  7. Mornin' Linda!

    Listen, if you DO try've got to post your after photos on your blog, ok????

    tee, hee!

    Great seeing ya, dear lady!

    Have a WILD Wednesday!

  8. Greetings SweetPeaSurry!

    Welcome! Thanks for stopping by and sharing a comment!

    So nice to meet you!

    I can't exactly remember when all this HYPE came out about Preparation H, but I think it was sometime in the late 80's or early 90's maybe? And yes, I do remember it being plastered all over every beauty magazine...

    ...including Popular Mechanics


    Oh my...the things we humans will try for BEAUTY!?!?

    Have a great Wednesday!

    Stop by anytime!


  9. Mornin' Lady Nitebyrd!

    Oh, come on....

    ...I think you should use this during your facials. You could hide the tube from the clients, and then secretly applying it around their orbital bone when their eyes are closed.

    They'll think you're a MIRACLE WORKER!!!


    Have an awesome Wednesday, Sis!

    Thanks for stopping by!


  10. I've tried it and for all the good it does you may as well shove it up your arse!

    No, only kidding - only premium skin preparations go on my face!

  11. Bwhahahahahahahahah Chris!

    OMG....that was GREAT!!!

    Good point bud.

    I never even thought of that, but you're right!

    Have an awesome day!

    Thanks for dropping by!

  12. Bwhahahahahahahaha!

    Oh, you CRACK me up Akelamalu!!!

    When I first started reading your comment I thought you were going to share that you DID in fact try it!!!

    I was hoping for some gory feedback!

    I'm with you my friend...only premium products on this here face.

    Thanks for the great giggle!!

    Happy Wednesday!


  13. Hmmmm.... I wonder if it will work for stretch marks???? I could slather it all over my tummy and just watch everything being miraculously sucked back together. Tighter, flatter tummy with only 6 tubes. LOL

    OMG the things out there that you KNOW some people HAVE tried!! OR will try if you tell them with a seriosly straight face that it works. You know, like, uh....
    slaughter a goat, drain the blood, boil it with a container of cinnamon sticks and then use for a nice hair henna.
    But you know there would be some dull brunette hanging around the petting cages at the Zoo just waiting for her chance......

    Yikes, I'm in a weird mood today.
    Only one thing that will cure that..... STARBUCKS!! Can I get you anything while I'm there???

    Have a FAB day! :)

  14. Yeah I heard of this. I actually also heard sperm is good for your skin. I have not tried either though.

  15. hehehehehe...hahahaha.

    I've heard that...that people use Preparation H on their face wrinkles...At first I thought...what ass holes. hehehe

    Sorry I couldn't help saying that.

    Funny you should say alligators and elephants...I bought luggage in Florida and depending on what size you wanted...the more preparation H you rub on it..hehehehe

    One more thing my palms never looked younger...why a palm reader would have difficulty reading my future.

    ciao ronnie baby, I'm off to make my alligator purse...wallet size. hehehe.

  16. Hellooooo Crystal Chick!

    Listen, if you try it on your tummy PLEASE let me know how it works! Perhaps you could post a few photos on your blog!!

    HAHAHAHAHHA!'re so right, my friend. There's CRAZY beauty stuff out there!! Do you remember when they told women to start SHAVING their face (like a man) because it helped to exfoliate the skin and would reduce the appearance of lines?? I swear!! I actually saw a woman on a talk show demonstrating it!!

    I've been in a weird mood today too! I was acting so silly all day at work. Maybe it's this weather we're having? I've got to go to NYC tomorrow, and I'm hoping at least the rain stops, cause we're driving again.

    Wish us luck on the turnpike!

    Thanks for stopping by M!

    Hope you got to Starbucks. I had my afternoon fix about 3:00 and it was FAAAAABULOUS!

    Enjoy your evening!


  17. Greetings Golublog!

    Hey...thanks for stopping by!

    Nice to meet you!

    I've not tried either one of them myself, and don't think I ever will!

    Tee, hee!

    Please stop by anytime!

    Enjoy your evening!

  18. OH Miss crazy and wild woman you!!!


    I LOVE IT!!!!!

    Hey...I wonder if it would work on leather!!? I have a Coach backpack that needs cleaning. Maybe if I rubbed some Preparation H on was suddenly shrink into a Coach change purse!?! I could put my subway tokens in it!


    God love ya woman!!!!

    Thanks for a wonderful laugh, my wonderful friend!

    Hope you're feeling better today. You sound GREAT!!

    Ciao bella!


  19. Let's see. . . would using ass cream on ones face make that person a butt head?

    See you buddy.

  20. I'm super vain. One day, I might try it. I have no shame in putting a little butt cream on my face.

    My beauty secret is having bad acne when I was younger and getting prescibed retin-a. That stuff is magic. It regenerates new skin every 3 days and my face is so smooth.

  21. Darn.

    I miss out on all the good stuff.

    That's what I get for not reading magazines or watching television, huh?

    *rolling eyes*

    I've earned every single one of these wrinkles.

  22. Preparation H for your face!!! I guess this is the original pucker cream.
    I used this stuff once and I had a tough time keeping my face off the toilet. Or maybe it was the gallon and half of vodka I drank just before. Ah who gives a shit! Now that I got that out of the way let me say even though it sounds weird this stuff works. I used it on Charpe dog and all his wrinkles were gone now he is a chiachua.

    Ron, I do not know what things get inside your head to make you write these great post, but tape your ears so the thoughts do not get loose.

    No let me clean my teeth with draino.

  23. OOOOOOOOOOOOH I'm not gonna sleep tonight now that I have images in my head of Ronnie in his hot teeny little camoflauge speedo dental floss thong (fully packed in front, of course) baking his chippendale buns on a foil beach blanket in Florida
    *drool, pant, pant, pant*

  24. Well I dunno R. I think I'd use it if it made me look good and it had't been used on an ass first. It's all in the wording, you see...

  25. Howdy Mr. Jeff!


    YES! most definitely WOULD!!

    Thanks SOOOOOO much for dropping by today, bud!

    Hope you had a GREAT Thursday!


  26. Hiya Tina!

    OMG...I also used retin-A for about two years and you are SOOOOO's MAGIC!

    I used to get it from of friend of mine from Florida, who got it from a friend of hers who's mother workded in a dermatologist office.

    So I got it for FREE!!!!

    Now I use Glycolic acid and it works well, but not nearly as good as Retin-A.

    Always so nice seeing ya, Tina!

    Hope you had a wonderful day!


  27. Evening Dear Mel!

    You GO girl!

    Good attitude!

    You've earned them wrinkles, so be PROUD of them.

    That's something I could learn!

    Thanks for stopping by, dearest lady!

    Hope you had a wonderful day!


  28. Oh....Mr. have no idea after the LOOOOOONG day I've had, how wonderful it was to read your HYSTERICAL comment!

    I don't know how you think of these things....but keep em' coming. They always MAKE my day!!

    Thank you for your kind words, my friend!

    Gee, I don't know...I think my head just spews out craziness, and then I just write it down!?!

    Enjoy your evening!


  29. Aloha Debi! are TOOOO funny!

    Yea...lying on the foil that foil blanket not only gave me baked buns, but also a burnt HOT DOG!


    Hope you had great day, Deb!

    Thanks stopping back!

    LOVED it!


  30. Howdy Hope!'re right!

    It IS all in the wording!!!

    And anyway, who am "I" to judge, willing to use bumble bee SPERM!?!?


    Thanks for stopping by Hope!

    Hope your Thursday was GRANDE'!


  31. You know, I remember hearing about this in the 80's, but at the time, I didn't need it so I didn't really pay attention.

    Now, I'm curious but I just can't do it since when people annoy me, I call them Ass Face. I would then BE an Ass Face.

  32. Hiya Chrissy!



    ...even if you use this, you could NEVER be an Ass Face, never!

    You're much too pretty and smart.

    Yet I know SEVERAL people who have never used this, and they still come off looking like an Ass Face!!!


    Thanks for stopping by, Chrissy!

    Hope you had a great day!


  33. you did it. You just reminded me of that commercial they used to have
    "Ballpark Franks...they plump when you cook 'em...Ballpark Franks"


  34. Truth,
    Now if it cured wrinkles welllll then maybe. But I would have to have a full face of wrinkles.
    And by the time that happens I will be well into the age of smelling like BenGay Cream so i wouldn't care then.

  35. Aloha Debi!

    That's it...EXACTLY!!!

    Much better than Vienna Sausages!


  36. Hi Grumpy! gave me a great visual!!!!

    I'm trying to picture myself smelling like Bengay and my face looking like an rectum.

    NOT....a pretty sight!!!!!!


    Enjoy your day, Grumpy!