Friday, April 03, 2009

Facing my Demons

It totally shocked my parents when they first saw me onstage in junior high school.

Mainly, because I was such a shy and withdrawn child, and showed no signs of being an extrovert. They couldn’t understand where all this free-spirited energy came from.

In fact, I remember my mother saying to me, “Where have you been hiding all this, Ronnie?”

I think many actors will tell you that as children, they too were shy and withdrawn individuals.

Yet, acting for me was like a magical key that first opened the door to my creative soul and set it free.

But this door also brought into light…my demons.

My fears.

I don’t think a performance ever went by where I wasn’t paralyzed with fear. And I don’t care how many times I repeated a performance, every time I stepped onstage…I was petrified. I would stand in the wings and say to myself, “Why are you doing this, Ron? This is crazy. You’re freaking scared out of your mind, yet you keep doing this to yourself. Why?"

Acting onstage placed me in a state of vulnerability. A place of not knowing. A place of trusting myself. Of letting go and allowing.

Not only was it a place for me to express my creative energy, but also a place to expose my insecurities.

And what better place for me to expose them, than to stand in front of 375 people each night; allowing myself to be looked at and judged.

Because that’s what all my fears basically come down to…

….being judged.

If I wasn’t afraid of being judged, there would be nothing to fear.

And it took me awhile to realize something…

…it really wasn’t the fear of being judged by others that I was feeling, but rather self-judgment and self-doubt.

So every time I stepped on that stage, it was like looking into a mirror...

Have a wonderful weekend, everyone!

X