Tortured and Haunted by Produce Stickers

Does anyone know what the glue is made of that’s on those annoying little stickers that garnish every single piece of produce?

Well, whatever it is I think I could use it if I ever had the desire to suspend a 900 lb. baby elephant upside-down from the ceiling of my apartment by applying that glue to the soles of it‘s feet.

That shit won’t budge!

Which brings me to my second question…

…does anyone know how to remove those annoying little stickers without having a total nervous breakdown and ending up in a sanitarium; wearing a straight-jacket?

The other night while I was watching a DVD collection of Will and Grace, I decided to eat one of my recently purchased Fuji apples. However, I wasn’t able to eat the apple in it’s original form because by the time I got the sticker off, I had completely transformed it into apple sauce.

I dug and dug with my index finger until I thought I was going to SCREAM. And when that didn’t work, I took a teaspoon and began STABBING the label until the apple turned to mush.

One time I remember getting so frustrated that I ended up biting the sticker off with my teeth and then spitting it out of my mouth like Hannibal Letcher.

And I especially love how if by some miracle I DO get the sticker off, my next torturous task is trying to get the annoying thing off my finger.

A few months ago, right before I was getting ready to go into work, I tried to remove one of those stickers from my finger. I began flicking and waving my hand like a cat with a wet paw; eventually getting the damn thing off. However, I had no idea where the sticker went. And to be honest, I really didn’t care because I was in a hurry to get to work. Later, one of my co-workers found it….

…it had adhered itself to the backside of my dress pants.

Apparently, I was walking around for the first thirty minutes with a tiny name tag on my ass that claimed I was a Fuji apple.

I also feel as though I’m being haunted by these nasty stickers because once removed, I will mysteriously find them all over my apartment. I’ve found them stuck to various things inside the refrigerator, on pieces furniture, lamp shades; I even found one cleverly stuck to my bath towel.

I mean, how the HELL did they get there?

Do you know what I think?

I think those little fuckers are trying to drive me insane…






Wishing you a "sticker-free" weekend everyone!


Love,
Joan

44 comments

  1. errrrrrrr............
    Thanks for the wishes?

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  2. No, you need one on each side of your Apple Bottom. ;)

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  3. The perfect compliment to that fabulous Chiquita Banana you have(refer back to the I Love My Job/penis post) are a couple delightful Fuji Apples ...so just let the advertising happen my friend, okay??

    I totally know what you mean though about sticky labels. Most of them are such a mess to get off and it seems they are on every.freaking.thing.

    OMG, forget the old movies.... I'll come over and we'll watch Will and Grace episodes. It's one of my favorite shows. We get them on one of the directv stations late at night. Ron was a little nervous at first... hearing me laugh in bed...and was then like 'WHEW... she's just chuckling about Will and Grace and nothing I did.' LOL Isn't Karen a riot!? Ollie Ollie Oxycodone.... LOL
    But just in general the way they all interact is a blast.

    Hey, the fresh picked fruit we've been getting lately have NO labels!!! All right from the fields. Yesterday we got more blueberries and peaches. YUM. But it was sooooo icky hot and humid I wanted to puke. Luckily we went with friends and then did happy hour and dinner afterwards so the horrible heat was a little more bearable knowing after we got off the farm we'd be going inside for food and drinks!!

    Stay cool!!

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  4. This is so funny! You're absolutely right. And can I just say, without needing to say it, that I ONLY eat Fuji apples!

    A girl at work ate a sticker one day by mistake and we watched her all day to see if she would have a reaction. Nope. Maybe you should just eat them...??

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  5. Dear Joan,

    I have no words, only tears in my eyes from laughing so much!

    I hope your weekend is filled with joy and laughter...and NO MORE STICKERS!

    *hugs*

    ~vk~

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  6. I think the ones on the tomatoes are worse. I end up creating a huge hole and ruining half of them. I too find the little stickers everywhere, but mainly sticking to odd portions of my sink.
    Will be adding you to my blogroll. So glad I found your site. Always gives me a smile.

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  7. LOL Oh I know the feeling Ron -They are a bloody nuisance!

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  8. Hi Clarisse!

    Welcome! Thank you for stopping by - it's nice meeting you.

    Hey, I really like your name!

    Hope you have a GREAT weekend. And watch out for the nasty stickers!

    tee, hee!

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  9. Aloha Debi!

    Yeah, you're absolutely right!

    And then I can refer to myself as apple cheeks!

    hahahahahahahahahahaha!

    Thanks for dropping by, Deb!

    Have an awesome weekend!

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  10. Howdy Crystal Chick!

    OMG...that is so PERFECT!!!!

    This way I'd have a nice BIG banana and two BIG apples - a faabulous FRUIT salad!

    bwhahahahahahahahaha!

    You're not to believe this, but being someone who NEVER watches TV, I had only seen one or two episodes of Will and Grace back when it was on. The Philadelphia library has a great selection of various TV series, so about three weeks ago I started watching it. OMG!!!...what a HYSTERICAL show that was! And without a doubt...Karen and Jack are my two favorite characters. The character of Karen is BRILLIANT!

    Hey...that's so great to hear about the fresh picked fruit with NO labels! Every once in a while I'll find some like that at Whole Foods. Of course, each piece of fruit at Whole Foods is like $20.00!

    OMG...isn't the humidity horrendous? Oh, well...we've had an easy summer so far and it'll be over in about 6 weeks, so I can't complain.

    *however, I MAY have to do a BITCH post next month.

    HA!

    Always great seeing ya, neighbor!

    Thank for dropping by!

    Enjoy your weekend!

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  11. Hiya Chrissy!

    SEE!!!! The more we discover about one another, the MORE we have in common!!

    How FUNNY!

    Fuji apples are perfection. I prefer sweeter/firmer tasting apples and Fuji has got it all!

    And thanks for letting me know about the label! I may just try that once, and wait to find in my POOP!

    bwahahahahahahaha!

    Have a GREAT weekend, my friend!

    Thank you for dropping by!

    Love and hugs to Bern!

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  12. Hiya Jen!

    OMG, OMG, OMG...you are SOOOO right about the labels on tomato's! And because they're so soft, it's so damn hard not to ruin the skin while taking off the friggin' sticker!!!

    I am also so glad to hear that you find those stickers everywhere too! I swear to god, Jen...I was beginning to think they had a conspiracy for me!!

    Thank you for adding me to your blog roll, sweet lady. I hope you know how much I LOVE your style of writing. I so enjoy reading you - I'm proud to have you on my roll.

    Have a great weekend!

    Thank you for stopping by!

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  13. Afternoon Akelamalu!

    That's the perfect way to say it...

    ...they're a bloody nuisance...

    Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!

    Thanks for dropping by, m'dear!

    Wishing you a spectacular weekend!

    X

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  14. Good Afternoon Vixen Kitten!

    It's funny, because this just happened to me again, and the memory was still fresh in my mind, so I couldn't resist posting about it!

    Glad you had a giggle.

    Always so wonderful seeing ya, dear one!

    Mucho grassy for stopping by!

    Have a great weekend. And please give Honey a big SMOOCH for me, ok?

    She's so GORGEOUS!!!!

    All my love,
    Joan

    XOXOXOXOX

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  15. Joan Joan Joan..Where the hell do you buy your apples from. Maybe it's the weather here in Hawai'i I don't know. I'm sure debi is the expert on that but ours, if they even have them on there, come off sooooo easy. Maybe if you didn't buy such high mucky mucky muck apples and came down to earth was us commoners you wouldn't have that problem. Hannibal Lecter was just the bomb wasn't he? OMG...I thought run Jodie...you dumb bitch...he's gonna get you. But oh no, she's just as tough as he is...and Will and Grace...OMG...one of my favorite shows of all time. Jack and Karen...well there are just no two other better comic actors than those to. Karen was my all time woman. I so want to be like her when I grow up.

    So Joan, buck up sister.

    "I got rhythm
    I got music
    I got my man/girl
    Who could ask for anything more ?
    I got daisies
    In green pastures,
    I got my man/girl
    Who could ask for anything more ?"

    Love

    Ethel

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  16. Aloha Ethel!

    Bwhahahahahahahahahaha!!!

    Let me tell ya, I think YOU should be in show biz! You certainly know every word to all the greatest show tunes!!!!

    SING OUT LOUISE!!!!!!!

    OMG...didn't you love that scene in the movie where Jodie was in the dark basement using those glasses?? Even just thinking about it now...gives me CHILLS!

    As I'm sure you already read, I just started watching Will and Grace and am in love with it. And KAREN, well, what can I say? THE WOMAN IS BRILLIANTLY SARCASTIC!!!

    Ok, Ethel...

    ....I can't wait to hear what you sing the next time I post!

    Thanks for stopping by, bud!

    ALWAYS a BLAST!!!!!

    Have GRANDE weekend!!!!!

    Much Aloha,
    Joan

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  17. NO STICKERS, NO STICKERS, LOL! Joan, even though there is a lot of bitch in you, I can't help but love you more each post!

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  18. Hiya Funny Girl!

    I know...

    ...aren't I a BITCH?

    I guess that's why Joan Crawford is my patron saint.

    bwhahahahahahahaha!

    Love ya to, Funny Girl!

    You're the BOMB!

    Thanks for stopping by!

    Enjoy your weekend!

    The Sticker Queen,
    Joan
    X

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  19. hehehehe. I laughed my ass off. hehehe.

    fuji apples are my fave and i have one for my drive home from work. luvkily i have long finger nails that make it easy to peel off.

    have you ever eaten an apple and then look down at it and see have a sticker. Gulp...hey the stickers aren't bad tasting. hehehe

    have a wonderful weekend my friend.
    Ciao honey.

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  20. Dearest Miss Jones....

    You just gave me a FAAABULOUS idea!!

    I think I need to grow my index finger nail a bit longer, so I can RIP those friggin' stickers off!!!

    Aren't FUJI's the BEST?????

    I try to bring one to work with me everyday (along with a banana) for an afternoon snack. I like to "eat-pick" throughout the day to keep my energy level going.

    (of course, COFFEE helps too)

    hahahahahahaha!

    Alway great seeing ya, Miss J!

    I'll think of you the next time I eat a Fuji!

    Ciao bella
    X

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  21. ah ron, I knew you could do it...lift my low spirit into a decent place for the night...and yes, to everything you said, those damned things are the stupidest things invented since diet coke with hamburgers and french fries.....I have to admit that you going to work with one stuck to your butt really gives me a giggle....oh well, at least everyone knew what kind of fruit you were! ;)

    [sorry-couldn't resist]

    have a good one and I will see you next time...as always, kisses
    xoxoxoxo

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  22. The visual of your biting and spitting the sticker "like Hannibal Lechter" is hilarious. But Jeez, Ron, they don't use that kind of horse glue up in these parts on my produce. As an alternative to the long nail, perhaps you might look into dental implants for some extra large bicuspids. Unless, of course, you like advertising that apple bottom.

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  23. Hellooooo Linda!

    ...oh well, at least everyone knew what kind of fruit you were!!!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    That was FLAWLESS!!!

    OMG...and that's so true...WHY in God's name would anyone insist on having a DIET coke with a greasy hamburger and french fries?!?!?

    DUH!

    So glad you had a giggle tonight, dear lady!

    ooooo....and have you seen any GHOSTS yet? Please let me know if you do!

    Thanks so much for dropping by, Linda!

    Enjoy your weekend!

    {{{{{{{Linda}}}}}}}
    X

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  24. Hey MVD!

    Great seeing ya, bud!

    ...Unless, of course, you like advertising that apple bottom...

    HAHAHAHHAHAHA!!

    Too funny!

    But hey...that's actually not a bad idea!

    Apparently, I must not have he gift for removing those stickers, because a few of my readers shared the same as you.

    oh...but I think it's so much more dramatically effective, BITING those fuckers off!

    Just ask Mr. Hopkins.

    Thanks for stopping by, MVD!

    Have a great weekend!

    Sincerely,
    Hannibal

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  25. Thom,
    I buy mine from Down To Earth (it's organic or nothing at all for me & pups!) and I never thought about it 'til you just mentioned it. I'm paying a lot by weight for those stickers, we might as well eat the damn stickers too! :D

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  26. *chuckling*

    Not a problem--for me. Not sure why that is....but the truth is, I look for those stickers so I can wear 'em and declare myself the fruit for the day.

    Not that I need the sticker.....I just prefer it. *laughing*

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  27. my country girl is going to show here darlin, what stickers?
    I buy all my fruits and vegies at the local farmers market, and have not seen a sticker yet.
    Sigh
    sorry sweet, try buying them at the farmers market, no stickers there! and the peaches I bought today?! OH my !! heaven Bliss!
    and sticky sweet smiles in my house!
    (((HUGS))

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  28. Howdy Mel!

    YOU ARE TOO-TOO FUNNY!

    And truth be told, I don't need a sticker either!

    OK...I'll be a Fuji apple and YOU can be a Georgia peach!

    How them apples?

    hahahahahhhahahaha!

    Thanks for dropping by, dear peach!

    ALWAYS a pleasure.

    Hope you had a great Saturday!!

    X

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  29. Aloha Debi!

    Just interjecting a comment to your comment to Thom...

    For me, it's ORGASMIC or nothing at all!

    bwhahahahahahaha!

    X

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  30. Helloooo Lady Sorrow/Country Girl!

    Oh...you are SOOOO fortunate not to have to contend with those damn stickers!

    But I think that's the trick...

    ....buying produce at a local farmers market.

    NO stickers!!!!

    The only thing we have similar here in Philly, would be the Reading Terminal Market (do you remember that?). It's a FAAABULOUS market with various vendors (flowers, jewelry, produce) even the Amish have things there. LOVE the Amish stuff!

    Anyway, sweets...enjoy those PEACHES. They sound HEAVENLY!!!

    Always great seeing ya, Sorrow!

    Thanks for stopping by!

    Give those cute little orange salimanders a hug for me, ok?

    {{{{{{hug}}}}}}}
    X

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  31. Joan:

    You are just now staring to watch W&G? For the shame of you. Karen is just my hero...or is that heroine. Whatever I want to be just like her when I grow up.

    "Every little breeze seems to whisper "Louise."
    Birds in the trees seem to twitter "Louise."
    Each little rose
    Tells me it knows I love you, love you"

    woooo that took a lot of energy outta me. pfffft

    OMG and Chilling...that's the understatment. brrrrr

    "Youre as cold as ice, youre willing to sacrifice our love
    You never take advice, someday youll pay the price, I know"

    So said Jodie...don't ya think?

    Debi I wouldn't put my little toe in that damn store. I can't stand all that healthy stuff. Give me stickers any day...they just come out the other end and gather up all the crap inside me anyway...

    "I get no kick from champagne
    Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all
    So tell me why should it be true
    That I get a kick out of you"

    *Ethel bows and blows kisses*

    Ethel

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  32. Aloha Ethel!

    Applause...applause...applause!!!

    And please take another curtain call because you deserve it!!!!

    BRAVO!

    You are SOOOOOOOOOOOOO funny, man!!

    And you have a lovely voice, too!

    HA!

    Anyway, yes...this is my first time viewing W&G. I don't watching TV at all. I just don't enjoy it. So what happens is, I end up watching all the TV shows that USE to be on TV, on DVD now. No commercials and I can pause it when I need to go PEE-PEE.

    Hope you're having a great weekend, Ethel! I spent the whole day outside - it's gorgeous! It's cool with no humidity!!!!

    Joan is VERY happy!!!!

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  33. Joan,
    I'm sure you would love the series (it's on DVD) Soap. It was pee the pants funny. I miss that show. It featured TV's first openly gay character, Jody Dallas.
    (Billy Crystal) It was based like a soap opera, with dramas and scandals, but they made it funny.

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  34. OMG...Debi...YES! YES! YES!

    I DO remember that show and loving it! It was VERY "progressive" for the time. Wasn't Billie Crystal wonderful???

    There were also A LOT of very well-know actors within the cast.

    It came out years after "All in the Family"

    Thanks for sharing the memory, Deb!!!

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  35. Yes, dahling, you wook mahvelous...

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  36. OOOPS, didn't see Thom-Ethel's post.
    You mean the stickers act as fiber?! Bran Flakes and oatmeal kind of roughage?! Aw heck maybe I try. I think I could use a little fiber. ;)

    I spend a small fortune in that place. Come out smelling like herbs and stuff. Like when you go into foodland you come out smelling like da deli cheeken.
    Or when you drive down Nimitz on weekends there's like 3 spots you gotta roll up da windows or you smell stink like da huli hulis. :D

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  37. Joan and Deb:

    This as I listen to the macho men WOOT I was about to bitch slap Deb by forgetting the one and only Ethel...but alas, she responded...Joan I'm so glad you can pee in when you like and not miss a lick of the show...lick OMG

    And yes Deb da huli huli chicken smell DELIGHTFUL on Nimitz. Speaking of which, and one that is much better, have ya ever been down to Aikahi? Now I'd love to live down past the shopping center on the way to the base...the fragrance is delightful.

    Ethel wont sing her now. Her voice is resting *sigh

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  38. Hi Ron,


    Just cut those pesky little buggers off!
    For sanity reasons!

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  39. Oh shit, Thom...I had a feeling your were going to get laryngitis!

    hahahahahahahahaha!

    *rest up, my friend, because you have World Tour coming up at the end of July.

    You're the opening act for Madonna!

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  40. Bonjour Leesa!

    SOOOOO great to seeing ya, my friend!!!

    Thanks for stopping by!!!!

    Yes, I think you're absolutely right...just cut those pesky things off!!!

    P.S. I've already eaten half the box of chocolates you sent me!!!

    {{{{{{Leesa}}}}}}}
    X

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  41. They are one of the devil's creations, I'm sure. They are totally annoying and I usually end up cutting them out like some horrid parasite. TRY making a lovely fruit arrangement with gaping holes in your center piece!

    (CrystalChick is gettin' a little racy! LOL I'm wondering if she got into some fermented fruit?)

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  42. Howdy Nitebyrd!

    ...TRY making a lovely fruit arrangement with gaping holes in your center piece!!!!

    hahahahahahahaha!

    Ya see, this WHY I know you and I are siblings. The same fucking things annoy the shit out of us!!

    I HATE THOSE STICKERS!!!!!

    Oh, I know....

    ...on several of her comments, Crystal Chick has gotten VERY racy (which of course, I love). Did you read the one she left on my post about loving my job? OMG...she was BRILLIANT!!

    Hope you had a MARVI day, Sis!

    Thanks for stopping by!

    X ya!

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  43. you crack me up man. i think you should do what you once did and bite the sucker off and spit it out.

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  44. Hi Valerie!

    You're absoutely right!

    And that's exactly what I did a few nights ago when I ate my daily Fuji!

    Sincerely,
    Hannibal

    X

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