Going Peanut Butter Stir Crazy



One of my favorite treats is to eat an apple by slicing it into little wedges and then slathering each piece with peanut butter before popping it into my mouth.

Beside the coupled flavors of chocolate and peppermint, nothing tastes more orgasmic to me than apples and peanut butter.

And since I haven't had much sex lately, anything that causes me to have an orgasm outside of masturbation, I find delightful.

I love cheap thrills.

Anyway, moving on….

I recently purchased one of those natural organic peanut butter spreads that I found at Traders Joes which is made from unblanched peanuts (whatever the hell that means).

Low salt. No preservatives. No hydrogenated oils. Low sugar.

Sounds faaaabulously healthy doesn’t it?

Yeah, well...it may be healthy, but what I find utterly contemptible about this peanut butter is that the oil separates from the peanuts, therefore has to be manually stirred EVERY SINGLE TIME you use it.

And let me tell you…I don’t care how LONG I stir it, it still ends up staying separated like Hollywood rivals Bette Davis and Joan Crawford.

I seriously think the company should consider selling one of those high-powered electrical paint shakers with each jar of peanut butter, because that’s what it would take to stir it thoroughly.

And another thing…..

...I found it to be the most runniest, gloppiest, and stickiest peanut butter I’ve ever used.

It has the consistency of honey and the adhesive power of super glue. I had to use a blow torch and a Brillo Pad to wash it off the spoon.

God only knows how long it will stick to inside of my lower intestines.

The other night while I was watching a movie, I decided to enjoy one of my fuji apples with some peanut butter. After slicing the apple and placing the wedges on a plate, I began to scoop out some of the peanut butter with a teaspoon; spreading it on each piece before I ate it.

And the whole time I’m doing this the peanut butter was dripping all over my fingers, down the sides of my mouth, into my beard, cascading down my neck, and landing all over the table.

It literally looked like I had pooped all over myself.

Later, when I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth, I found two big ol’ blobs that had mysteriously landed on my right thigh and the front of my t-shirt.

For the remainder of the evening all I could smell were PEANUTS.

I felt like Jimmy Carter.

So do you know what?

I’ll definitely be going back to my artificial Skippy spread the next time I purchase peanut butter.

Because this natural shit is just too damn messy.....






Wishing you an awesome weekend everyone!

X

38 comments

  1. I tried the natural peanut butter thing too, and it's just too gross. After the eleventh oil stain on my shirt from holding the jar against my belly to carry it out in front of the television (what?), I ended up tossing a half a jar and buying the bad-for-me kind.

    Also, for multiple orgasms, dip the apple in peanut butter and then in caramel.
    It's totally seasonally appropriate this time of year too, so it's like you are festive or something.

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  2. Mmm I love me some peanut butter too! I love to make homemade peanut butter bars like Reese's but more and better! But at last my husband hates peanuts and anything peanut butter and son is allergic to nuts... Why does God hate me =( I bought organic all natural peanut butter shit.... never again and it was expensive.....

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  3. I haven't had peanut butter in ages! Not sure I'd like it with apple but I may try it.

    MWM likes cheese and jam (jelly to you I think)!

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  4. Hey Lora!

    ... After the eleventh oil stain on my shirt from holding the jar against my belly to carry it out in front of the television (what?)...

    Is it not the MESSIEST stuff you've ever tried? It's almost as if it's possessed by some demonic force that wants to destroy us.

    HAHAHAHHAHAHA!

    And THANK YOU for your multiple orgasms suggestion about the apple, peanut butter, and CARAMEL! Never tried all three together, but I'm game! It'sounds perfect for this time of year!

    As always, thanks for dropping by Lora!

    Hope you have a great weekend in our not-fair city.

    tee, hee!

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  5. Mornin' La La La Leah!

    oooo...you MAKE homemade peanut butter??? WOW WEE!

    I bet it's YUMMY!

    I know of several people who do not like, or are allergic to peanuts. I had a good friend in Florida who had to be rushed to the hospital because of eating something with peanut oil in it - eeek!

    Thanks for dropping by, Leah!

    Hope you get in a Reese's this weekend!

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  6. Good Mornin' Akelamalu!

    Ooh...try it just once! It's really a great combination!

    Never tried cheese and jam, but I have tried cheddar cheese with apple pie and it's YUMMY!

    Thanks for dropping by, m'dear!

    Have a GRRRREAT weekend!

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  7. OMG! Could you HEAR me laughing? You HAD to hear me...everyone else did!

    "Nothing tastes more orgasmic than apples and peanut butter." I may print that out and frame it! HA!!

    And what's the deal with mentioning Joan Crawford?? Do you realize that you and I and Jen have all brought her up in the last week??

    I don't know HOW I've never tried apples & pb. I just recently tried pizza w/pineapple on top. I liked it! Someone mentioned pb and banana sandwiches are supposed to be good? Hard to imagine!

    Skippy makes an "all natural" pb...same thing, honey. All runny and goopy.

    Def not sexy...altho...if you or I were *gettin' any*...we'd probably think of ways to use up the rest of the jar...(!) xoxo

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  8. OMG...Kathryn...I think maybe the two of us will end up DYING of laughter today. You're post did the same thing to me.

    FUNNY! FUNNY! FUNNY!

    Isn't it such a great feeling to laugh, though?

    Yes, I know...and not only you, Jen, and I, but also Nancy mentioned Joan Crawford this week.

    What can I say? Joan is one of my Hollywood idols. I can associate her with so many funny moments in my own life. God, I wish I she were alive today. I bet she's have a GREAT blog!

    "The Bitch Diaries"

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Never tried pineapple with pizza, but have heard about it. It sounds like something Hawaiian!

    Def not sexy...altho...if you or I were *gettin' any*...we'd probably think of ways to use up the rest of the jar...(!)

    You bet, girl!

    Always great seeing ya, K!

    Thanks for stopping by and have a great weekend!

    With love,
    Joan

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  9. Apples and peanut butter.........I prefer a good Hershey bar slathered with the nutty stuff!!
    But for me, junior mints sprinkled into a hot, buttery bowl of popcorn left to partially melt and create minty/chocolaty/buttery/salty clusters of pure bliss are pure perfection...............

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  10. Greetings Patti!

    Welcome! Thanks for stopping by and sharing a comment.

    Nice to meet you!

    But for me, junior mints sprinkled into a hot, buttery bowl of popcorn left to partially melt and create minty/chocolaty/buttery/salty clusters of pure bliss are pure perfection...

    OMG...I think I just had an ORGASM!!!

    HA!

    Let me tell ya, between and apple with peanut butter and YOUR suggestion...

    ...YOUR'S definitely WINS!

    Hands down!

    Thanks for the suggestion. I may just try that!

    Please stop by anytime. You're sweet tooth is always welcomed!

    Have a great weekend, Patti!

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  11. Oh... how I miss peanut butter!!

    After some allergy testing I was told to stay away from it. :**(

    But I remember some of those healthy peanut butters from trying them years ago. You are right... oily and nasty! We even tried special nut butters because my son is also allergic. Soy nut, macadamia nut, etc. They just aren't the same.
    Because neither of us can have regular old Jiff or Skippy anymore, we have sort of lost the craving anyway.
    Hubs LOVES peanut butter though. And luckily, my sons and my allergy is more like a sensitivity and not a full blown one so we didn't have to rid the house of it and hubs can still indulge.

    Oooh, but chocolate and peppermint. MMMMM!!

    Have a wonderful weekend.

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  12. Hiya Crystal Chick!

    OOOOOOOH...what a bummer.

    But hey, like I shared with Leah, I've known several people allergic to peanuts and know the horrible reaction they can have to them, so it's much better to know that and avoid them.

    Plus...there's so many other things that can be enjoyed like...

    ...peppermint and chocolate!

    ooo, la la!

    Thanks for dropping by, M!

    Hey...this weekend is going to be GRAND! Cool and sunny! Looking forward to it.

    Enjoy neighbor!

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  13. I'm an old fashion, no nonsense Jiff Extra Crunchy kinda gal. I stick with the most unhealthy shit there is no organics for me. Now that I think about it, no orgasms for me lately either. Hang in there I'm sure we'll be getting laid sometime soon! Its always a pleasure to see that you've stopped by my place!

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  14. [B]"And the whole time I’m doing this the peanut butter was dripping all over my fingers, down the sides of my mouth, into my beard, cascading down my neck"[/B]

    HOT DAMN, you sexy thing! *shivers*
    What a shame you didn't have anyone
    to volunteer to lick it all off!!!

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  15. Hi Brndoutw8tress

    Now that I think about it, no orgasms for me lately either. Hang in there I'm sure we'll be getting laid sometime soon!

    From your lips to God's ears!

    You are TOO funny!

    I'm kinda a mixture of being both healthy and not-healthy.

    I smoke Marlboro Lights!

    Bwhahahahahahaha!

    Oh, it's been an absolute pleasure getting to know you. I'm so glad our paths have crossed in blogland. I LOVE reading your blog!

    Thanks so much for stopping by!

    Hope you have wonderful weekend!

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  16. Aloha Deb!

    It's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO great too see ya, girl!

    I miss you in blogland!

    You are TOOOOOOOOOOO funny!

    Yea, I wish I had had someone here to lick it all off!

    *Vince Vaughn would have been nice.

    Bwhahahahahahahaha!

    Oh, you should have seen my face with that peanut butter shit drippin' all over me. I swear to god, it REALLY DID look like I had POOPED all over myself.

    It's back to Skippy for me!

    Thanks sooooo much for dropping by today, Deb!

    What a great treat!

    Hope you have a great weekend!

    Love to you and Mama!
    X

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  17. I may be the only one but I love the sugar free peanut butter, runny mess and all. I am a peanut butter fanatic and eat it everyday. I have yet to take alternating bites of peanut butter and vanilla fudge ice cream as I fear I will not stop and become three hundred pounds. PB and apples, bananas, toast, you name it, I am a fan.

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  18. Hi Ron:

    I just want to give that baby a bath.

    I really enjoyed your post, thanks and you’ve given me a great idea for a future post. You’re so inspirational. Give Skippy Naturals a try. We eat it all the time . I keep it in the refrigerator.

    Healthy is good and sexy

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  19. Hey Jen!

    Well...perhaps I'll give it another go, but I think next time I'll try eating it with a BIB!

    Bwhahahahahahaha!

    Peaunut butter and banana's...

    ...to DIE FOR!

    Always great so great seeing ya, Jen!

    Thanks for dropping by!

    Have an awesome weekend!

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  20. Good Morning Isabella!

    Always so nice to see ya here!

    When I spotted that photo of the baby I HOWLED! I thought it would be perfect because that's about what I looked like!

    hahahahahahaha!

    You're the second person on this post to mention Skippy Natural so I may have to try it.

    And thanks for your suggestion about keeping my peanut butter in the fridge!

    Looking forward to reading your great idea for a future post!

    Have a wonderful day, Isabella!

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  21. Do you know one of my favorite things is peanut butter on Fuji apples. Scary..

    I do like the natural peanut butter but the ONLY way to eat it is with a spoon out of the jar. Forget about spreading it. It just doesn't work.

    Have a good weekend, Ron!

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  22. Hi Chrissy!

    See!!!

    TWINS!

    I seriously think you, Nancy, and I are all related!

    Maybe we are long-lost TRIPLETS!

    HA!

    Yes, my friend...I think the only sure way to eat this kind of peanut butter is with a spoon.

    *or perhaps a SHOVEL.

    Thanks for dropping by, Chrissy!

    Have a great weekend too!

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  23. Uh oh.....

    Welllllll....

    <-- doesn't much care for peanutbutter of any kind, organic or not.

    I know.
    I'm strange. LOL

    But I would like the apple, ty.

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  24. Hiya Mel!

    No...you're not strange at all, dear lady.

    However, I do know that you enjoy peanuts in their SOLID form.

    Me too!

    I'm part elephant donchaknow!

    Ha!

    Thanks for stopping by, Mel!

    Hope you're enjoying your weekend!

    Love to you and Little Bug!

    X

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  25. And this is why I gave up natural peanut butter. I like my Jiff with bannanas and cheese, and then dipped in chocolate. Weird, yes...I know!

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  26. hahah, I thought they really had invented a gizmo to spread and mix the stupid stuff!!! I have been buying this stuff for years, not wanting that bad old sugar in the regular brands but my dh has to mix it every time and now,FINALLY, instead of PB, I have found WF's caramel sauce...!

    talk about orgasmic!

    xoxoxo

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  27. Hi Funny Girl!

    SOOOOOO great to see ya!

    Through this post, I've discovered some of the most wonderful ways to enjoy PEANUT BUTTER!

    Jiff with bannanas and cheese, and then dipped in chocolate.

    OMG...that sounds like a wonderful FONDU!

    Will try it!

    Thanks for dropping by, FG!

    Hope you had wonderful weekend!

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  28. Hello Dearest Linda!

    oooo...lucky you!

    It's so nice to have a man around the house, isn't it?

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

    I think I know the carmel sauce you're talking about (which BTW I LOVE carmel too). They usually have it at Traders Joes around Halloween and Thanksgiving.

    Carmeled apples always remind me of when I was a kid and would go to the neighborhood carnival and eat THOSE and cotton candy.

    That's why I have like 10 fillings in my mouth!

    Tee, hee!

    Always great seeing ya, sweet lady!

    Mucho grassy for stopping by!

    Hope you enjoyed your weekend!

    {{{{ Linda }}}}}

    xoxoxoxoxo

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  29. LOVE this post... very clever. I too enjoy a good apple with some (good, non-separating) PB. In fact, I never eat apples without some sort of ... stuff on it. Have you ever tried this...?

    ~blend 1 pkg cream cheese w/3 tsp brown sugar
    ~shmear on plate
    ~drizzle 6-8 oz caramael syrup over cream cheese
    ~crush 3-4 skor bars and put on top of caramel syrup

    .... Eat with apples...

    .... Let the orgasms BEGIN!!!...

    (you're welcome. xx)

    Great blog. Looking forward to reading some more!

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  30. Greetings Picture Perfect!

    Thanks a bunch for stopping by and sharing a comment!

    Hey, I think I just met a new friend...

    ...skor bars!!!!

    OMG...they just so happen to be one of my FAVS. And the recipe you left for me is a 10 on the richter scale of ORGASMS!!!

    hahahahhaahhahaha!

    Brava! Thank you for sharing that!

    Please stop by anytime. You're always welcomed here!

    Enjoy your evening!
    X

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  31. I'm so glad you're enjoying the recipe.

    I forgot to mention - I have pineapple on pizza all the time. It comes with ham and sometimes mushrooms, and it's called... get this... are you sitting down?

    Hawaiian.

    Might be a Canadian Thing(TM).

    Skor bars rock my world. Seriously.

    You could also melt down a Snickers bar and dip away for a warm/hot dealy.

    Wow. Now I'm getting hungry. Or maybe horny. Damn.

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  32. Hello again Picture Imperfect!

    You're the second person who mentioned pineapple on pizza. I honestly can't imagine what it must taste like, but coming from someone who loves Skor bars as much as I do...I'll have to try it!

    Oh dear mother of god...and SNICKERS melted down sounds TO DIE FOR!!!

    I may just have to play Donna Summer's "Love to Love you Baby" while eating it!

    HA!

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  33. Late to the party, but I think we are semi-soul mates based on the two posts I've read so far.

    I am a massive fan of Fuji apples and peanut butter. But I'm a choosy mother and I always go with Jif.

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  34. Hi Cardiogirl!

    But I'm a choosy mother and I always go with Jif..

    hahahahahahaha!

    Oh...that was funny!

    I've tried eating every apple known to man, but FUJI'S are perfection. Crisp, and just the right amount of sweetness! And when you add some peanut butter....bellissima!

    Ciao semi soul-mate!

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  35. Ron, I love peanut butter and banana smoothies! Ahhhh... YUM.

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  36. Hiya Constant Complainer!

    aaahhhhh....banana smoothies!!!!

    YUP...the big O!

    HAHAAAHHAHHA!

    Enjoy your evening, bud!

    Thanks for dropping by!

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  37. Annoying, yes, but oh so yum!

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  38. Hiya Kate!

    SO great seeing ya!

    But, yes....YUMMY!

    Thanks for dropping by, Kate!

    Hope you're enjoying Fall in your beautiful part of the world!

    X

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