My inspiration for this post came from my dear, longtime blogging friend, Debbie @ Musings by an ND Domer's Mom, who is not only a gifted...
One of my favorite treats is to eat an apple by slicing it into little wedges and then slathering each piece with peanut butter before popping it into my mouth.
Beside the coupled flavors of chocolate and peppermint, nothing tastes more orgasmic to me than apples and peanut butter.
And since I haven't had much sex lately, anything that causes me to have an orgasm outside of masturbation, I find delightful.
I love cheap thrills.
Anyway, moving on….
I recently purchased one of those natural organic peanut butter spreads that I found at Traders Joes which is made from unblanched peanuts (whatever the hell that means).
Low salt. No preservatives. No hydrogenated oils. Low sugar.
Sounds faaaabulously healthy doesn’t it?
Yeah, well...it may be healthy, but what I find utterly contemptible about this peanut butter is that the oil separates from the peanuts, therefore has to be manually stirred EVERY SINGLE TIME you use it.
And let me tell you…I don’t care how LONG I stir it, it still ends up staying separated like Hollywood rivals Bette Davis and Joan Crawford.
I seriously think the company should consider selling one of those high-powered electrical paint shakers with each jar of peanut butter, because that’s what it would take to stir it thoroughly.
And another thing…..
...I found it to be the most runniest, gloppiest, and stickiest peanut butter I’ve ever used.
It has the consistency of honey and the adhesive power of super glue. I had to use a blow torch and a Brillo Pad to wash it off the spoon.
God only knows how long it will stick to inside of my lower intestines.
The other night while I was watching a movie, I decided to enjoy one of my fuji apples with some peanut butter. After slicing the apple and placing the wedges on a plate, I began to scoop out some of the peanut butter with a teaspoon; spreading it on each piece before I ate it.
And the whole time I’m doing this the peanut butter was dripping all over my fingers, down the sides of my mouth, into my beard, cascading down my neck, and landing all over the table.
It literally looked like I had pooped all over myself.
Later, when I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth, I found two big ol’ blobs that had mysteriously landed on my right thigh and the front of my t-shirt.
For the remainder of the evening all I could smell were PEANUTS.
I felt like Jimmy Carter.
So do you know what?
I’ll definitely be going back to my artificial Skippy spread the next time I purchase peanut butter.
Because this natural shit is just too damn messy.....
Wishing you an awesome weekend everyone!
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