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For those of you who have been reading Vent for a while now, know that I’m one of those demented, crazed, starstruck individuals who believes that celebrities don’t put on their pants one leg at a time like the rest of us.

Nor, do they pass gas.

Ok…maybe they do pass gas, but I’m sure it smells like mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Anyway, one day last week I almost met Renee Zellweger.

(who I happen to LOVE)

And when I say ALMOST, I mean I was in the store while she was shopping, however I was preoccupied; helping another customer on the opposite side of the sales floor, so I missed her.

I mean how DARE a common customer distract me while Renee Zellweger was in the store.

She had stopped by one of the cosmetic counters and one of my female co-workers had the opportunity to assist her. And she proved it to me because she showed me her credit card slip.

(and don’t you know that I had to touch it)

Apparently, she has been in the store several times in the past few months because she’s dating a man from New Jersey and likes to come into Philly to do her shopping, so this was not the first time my co-worker had waited on her.

You should have heard me quizzing her about Renee….

“What did she look like in person?”

“What was she wearing?”

“What did she buy?”

“Tell me everything she said.”


I spent the rest of the afternoon asking everyone on the sales floor if they had seen her.

Now, here’s the most aggravating part of this story….

The following day while I was at work, Renee came back into the store to thank my co-worker for recommending the products she purchased because she was extremely happy with them.

And where was “I” at the time?

I was in Starbucks getting a cup of coffee and a cinnamon scone, so I missed seeing her AGAIN.

As I was walking back from Starbucks, my co-worker came running over to me saying, “OMG, Ron…I was looking all over for you because Renee stopped by my counter again and I wanted to introduce you to her.”

Well…you should have seen my reaction.

I stood there with my eyes and mouth wide opened; slowing turning the color of a BEET, but no words would come out of my mouth.

I was so mad at myself, I wanted to take the scalding hot cup of coffee I was holding and throw it all over myself.

Finally I said, “Well, where did she go? Did she leave the store already? Where did she walk after she left you?”

She said that Renee had walked towards the men’s department, so I high-tailed my butt over in that direction; scanning the store like the paparazzi. I walked through every isle in the men’s department; peering into every blond-haired woman’s face; hoping to meet Renee.

But, did I find her?


She was gone.

Damn it!

I was so heartbroken, because I had missed my chance to tell her that I would have been so much better than Richard Gere in Chicago….

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