There's Nothing Like a Joan Crawford Slap

Do you know what I miss?

I miss those delightfully campy slap-across-the-face-moments they use to have in all the old movies.

Remember those?

Nowadays in movies you very rarely see someone getting slapped, because heaven forbid, that would be considered terribly abusive and offensive; causing the movie to have an R-rating.

Nowadays in movies you blatantly see someone take a machete and CHOP someone else's head off, and then kick it down a flight of stairs; causing the movie to merely have a G-rating.

Sorry, but give me a SLAP over a CHOP any day!

*oh btw, do any of you remember when there was such a thing as an M-rating? For Mature Audiences.

Back during the golden age of MGM, Paramount, and Columbia., someone ALWAYS got slapped across the face.

A movie wasn’t a movie, until you heard that SLAP.

Scene: (interior of a restaurant) Martin and Sylvia having dinner.

Sylvia: You seem distant this evening, Martin. In fact, you’ve seemed distant and cold for the past few weeks.

Martin: (flustered) Oh, do I?

Sylvia: Yes, as if your mind is preoccupied. Is there something wrong?

Martin: (sheepishly) Well, I don’t know how to tell you this Sylvia, but I’ve been having an affair with another woman.

Sylvia: (dropping her knife and fork) WHAT????

Martin: Yes, it’s true. But, that’s not the worst part.

Sylvia: What do you mean, the WORST part??

Martin: Well, you see, I’ve been having the affair with your twin sister, Mary.

Sylvia: (mouth dropping open) Oh….how DARE you! And how DARE, Mary! That contemptible little WITCH!

Martin: I’m sorry, but we’ve been in love with each other for the past year.

Sylvia: FOR THE PAST YEAR????

Martin: Yes, and we plan on getting married.

Sylvia: (quickly getting up from the table; grabbing her mink coat and cigarette case) Well…I hope you’ll be VERY happy with one another. And I’d like to give you an early wedding present. Would you care to see it?

Martin: What do mean an early wedding present?

Sylvia: THIS! (taking her right and hand bringing down across his face) SLAP!!!!!

Martin: OUCH!…that hurt!

Sylvia: I’m GLAD you no-good, two-timing CAD!

(Sylvia storms out of the restaurant)

The camera slowly zooms into Martins swollen cheek.

*Slowly fade to black.

To me, one of the best slappers back then, was Joan Crawford. She could deliver a slap better than any dame in the movie industry.

Here is one of my favorite ‘slap moments’ in the film, Queen Bee.

And please watch it a few times, cause it's freakin' hysterical.

You GO, Joan…..

My Hairy Chest and Be Careful How You Wish

Allow me to start by saying, I sincerely enjoy having a hairy chest.

In fact, I sincerely enjoy having body hair.

I’m Italian, therefore having a hairy body is synonymous with having a red wine with pasta.

Hell, even one of my grandmothers had a moustache!

Now, don’t get me wrong….it’s not like my body hair is SO MUCH that you can’t see my flesh. But, I AM hairy.

Yet, what’s really odd is that although I started getting fuzz on my body as a young teen, I didn’t get any on my chest until much later than most boys.

At night, I would pray and wish for a hairy chest because I felt terribly gypped.

But nothing happened. So, do you know what I use to do on a Saturday afternoon while no one else was home?

(oh, I can't WAIT until my mother read this)

I would take a pair of scissors and clip the hair off my legs, and then apply a thin coat of Elmer’s Glue to my bare chest. I would then take my leg hair clippings and press them onto the glue; creating my own FAKE hairy chest.

(I think I just heard my mothers jaw hit the floor)

I was probably about 20-21 years old when I suddenly began cultivating REAL chest hair, and you would have thought I discovered a five hundred dollar bill lying on the sidewalk. I was ECSTATIC!

Finally! I felt like Tarzan!

And as the years progressed, it grew more and more until it finally plateaued into a nice, virile-looking field of chest hair.

Not too much, not to little. Just enough.

Now, let me fast forward to the present…..

Over the past 3 years, as I’ve begun to lose hair on my head, it seems as though the hair has transplanted itself onto my chest; creating what looks like a FUTON mattress. I kid you not. I have so much chest hair now, that I have to use my moustache trimmer to clip it down at least once every three weeks, or I can’t even button the front of my dress shirts without having the hair getting caught in the button holes.

I recall one day while I was on the job, when one of my female co-workers was talking to me and suddenly noticed a hair on my shirt. I guess she thought it was a loose hair, so she took her fingers and quickly YANKED it off; not realizing it was attached to my chest.

Well….you should have heard me SCREAM!

I can always tell when I need to take out my trimmers and do some weed whacking because while I’m in the shower and my chest hair gets wet, it literally hangs down to my belly button. It looks like I wearing a full-length wig!

And even though I still enjoy having a hairy chest, coiffing it has now turned into a full time vocation.

So, if I can leave you with any wise advice about wishing and praying for things, it’s this…..

Be VERY specific!

Wishing you a hair-raising weekend everyone!

X

Update: Hi everyone! I'm experiencing MAJOR problems posting here on Blogger. Last night, I tried to cut and paste my scheduled post for today (which is how I ALWAYS do it), however it kept messing up. I tried it several times, but alas....it didn't work. So, until this works out....I won't be posting. Hopefully this will resolve itself soon. Thanks for your understanding.....X

Let's Talk About Easter Candy

I know it’s a bit early to be posting about Easter, but while standing in line at the drug store a few weeks back, I couldn't help but notice an isle that was already jammed packed with Easter baskets, bunny ears, egg dying kits, and of course…..Easter candy.

I have such fond childhood memories of Easter in the Carnavil family. My mother would always take us kids to Strawbridge’s department store to purchase a new Easter outfit to wear to church, which included a suit and tie, shoes, and a spiffy hat. She also made sure we each got our own Easter basket filled with green plastic straw and lots of sweet goodies.

One of our family traditions was dying hardboiled eggs with one of these Paas egg dying kits. *notice the price


I can still remember sitting around the kitchen table, writing our names on the eggs with a crayon and then dipping them into the various small bowls which contained water, vinegar, and egg dye. By the time we were finished, our hands and faces were covered in dye.

My mother always made sure we each had a large chocolate, coconut cream egg in the center of our Easter baskets which she would purchase from a special candy store. OMG…these eggs were so fresh and creamy that when you cut into one with a knife, the coconut would literally OOZE out of the egg. The taste was unbelievably sinful.

Surrounding the egg, my mother would place various other candies inside each one of our baskets; filling them to capacity.

It’s no wonder my teeth have five silver fillings, four crowns, and bridge.

My mouth looks like a poster that should be hanging in a dentists office with a caption that reads, SEE WHAT CANDY DOES TO YOUR TEETH?

Anyhoo, today I would like to share not only a few of my favorite Easter candies, but also one that’s my least favorite. I'll get to that last.


I could eat Cadbury Creme Eggs all year round. For me, whenever I eat a Cadbury egg it feels as though I should be listening to Donna Summer singing, Love to Love You Baby. The experience is positively orgasmic. I need a cigarette afterward.

I like to put two of these Malted Milk Eggs in my mouth at one time while sucking off the outside coating and then slowly biting into the malted center. When I was a kid, I use to enjoy rubbing the colored coating all over my lips and then looking at myself in the mirror because it appeared as though I was wearing lipstick. Gee…I wonder if that was any indication I was GAY???

I love jelly beans more than my own life. Especially Jelly Belly jelly beans. Once I start eating them I can’t stop. I love all the various colors and tastes, however these are my favorite…...

Yes, I know. Most people (with the exception of Chrissy) HATE black jelly beans. And most people think they look like little bunny turds. Which they do. But I’m sorry…black jelly beans to me are the greatest invention other than the laptop computer.

Finally, we have my least favorite Easter candy…..Peeps.

I’ve written several posts throughout the years, expressing my utter disdain and contempt for these retched little marshmallow heathens. First of all, I abhor marshmallow. Second, even though I love sweets, a Peep tastes like I’m biting into a 10lb. bag of sugar. Let’s just put it this way, if I were given the choice of either eating a Peep or starving to death, I would quickly choose death.

Oh, and look what I found online while googling Peeps…...

Peep lip balm!?!? I would sooner have my lips crack off and fall on the floor from extreme dryness, than use a Peep flavored lip balm.

Yes. As you can tell, I LOVE Peeps.....

More On the Theater

I was talking with a co-worker on Wednesday about an HBO movie we had both seen (Grey Gardens), and was telling him that there is also a musical version of the story which ran on Broadway for a very short time in 2006. It starred Christine Ebersole, who I had gone to acting school with in NYC.


I never saw the show myself, but told him I had read about it online last year.

And I guess he could sense the excitement in my voice by the way I was sharing it, because he suddenly said to me, “Don’t you miss the theater? And do you ever think you’ll go back to it?”

I know that most of you who have been visiting my blog for a while now have read stories about certain shows I've been in, and also various experiences I’ve had while being in the theater. So, I’m sure you can tell that, yes, I do miss the theater at times.

Once an actor, always an actor.

Especially when it comes to the theater.

Once you get a taste of performing live in front of an audience, that taste never goes away. In fact, most screen actors will often return to the stage because they know it’s truly the actors medium.

With acting, once you’ve unleashed your soul to portraying various characters, it becomes like a hunger that begs to be fed.

It’s an odd, yet unbelievably freeing feeling to temporarily place yourself in almost another dimension, while letting go and giving your physical and emotional senses permission to be taken over by the life experiences of someone else.

Acting is literally a spiritual experience.

You must allow yourself to trust in something greater than you, to take you to places you need to go.

It’s one of the most bazaar, yet euphoric feelings in the world.

Acting also sometimes involves bringing your own life experiences of vulnerability, pain and suffering to the surface, and then allowing those feelings to be exposed and expressed through the character.

I didn’t begin to really scratch the surface of acting, until I got older and began living. You can only be as true to a character emotionally, to the degree in which you yourself have lived.

To truthfully convey an emotion, you must be familiar with that emotion.

Therefore, the more you experience life.....the more you bring to acting.

Back in the late 90’s, I decided to take a break from the theater because I knew I needed more time to grow as a person, while investigating other interests in my life. I also took the break because I knew it was time for me to take what I had learned in the theater about letting go and trusting, and apply it to my offstage life.

It was easy for me to let go onstage, but I hadn’t quite learned how to do it in my real life.

Much time has passed since then. I’ve experienced things I never thought I would. Things I had to learn to let go of and trust.

I’ve done this before. Left the theater for many years, and then returned. I seem to need breaks from the theater, to develop and expand as a human being, and then take that back onstage with me.

So, do I think I’ll ever get back to the theater?

Yes, I believe I will. In some capacity.

And just like when I knew it was time to take a break, I will feel in my heart when the time is right for me to return.

I’ll just know.

I will hear the voice of the stage manager over the backstage intercom calling, “Places actors…..”

Wishing you a theatrical weekend everyone!

X

Doing Things Differently

I’ve been wanting to blog about this for the longest time, but kept forgetting.

Earlier this year, I had the best time reading a series of posts that my fabulous fellow-Libra friend, Meleah, over at Momma Mia, Mea Culpa shared about her discoveries in Doing Things Differently.

In her posts, she documented her experiences of breaking away from her everyday routine; trying things completely dissimilar.

I was so inspired by Meleah, that I tried doing things differently myself just to see what it felt like. I first tried it on my days off from work, and I’ve gotta tell you….it was very cool!

Now if any of you are anything like me, you take great joy in doing things the same.

Routine allows us to feel comfortable because it's familiar.

For many of us, routine gives our lives a sense of stability.

Yet, there’s a ‘catch’ to living our lives strictly like this.

How do we react when the world around us suddenly throws us a curve ball and disrupts our doing things the same?

Most of us feel frazzled and annoyed. I know I do.

I mean, god forbid our routine gets disturbed. It’s as if someone pulled the rug out from under us.

Not only that, but often times we don’t even realize that doing things the same keeps us from discovering how much we can learn from being spontaneous and doing things differently.

I’ll give you a for instance….

Often when I go grocery shopping, I have a routine. I shop on the same days and at the same time every week. I go down the same isles; getting the same food. I go to the same checkout person because I feel comfortable with her. And when I walk home from the grocery store, I walk home the same way by using the same streets.

It’s all so the same and predictable.

However, last week I had a monkey wrench thrown into my routine, when I discovered that the store was out of one of my favorite food items which I purchase every week.

You should have seen me….I acted like a spoiled little brat who just had his grape lollipop taken away from him.

(stomping my feet and grumbling to myself) I said, “Who the HELL do they think they are being out of my favorite food item? When I get home, I’m going to call corporate and tell them they need to get their act together or I’m not going to shop in this PIECE OF SHIT store anymore!”

I acted like Bette Davis as the tempermental Margo Channing in the movie, All About Eve.

Then, after calming myself down, I happened to notice a new frozen food item that was next to the item I usually purchase. I picked it up and glanced at the picture on the box. It looked kind of interesting, so I decided to purchase two of them.

Well…..can I just tell you? They were the BEST things I had ever tasted. And as I was eating one for dinner that night, I thought to myself, “Ya see, you JERK FACE….you discovered something completely different, and it was GOOD!”

This incident forced me to break away from my routine and try something different.

Now, I’m not saying that doing things the same is all negative, because sometimes we need structure in our lives to keep it organized. However, we also need to learn how to be adaptable to when life throws us a curve ball and gives us the opportunity to do something different.

God knows, I do.

I now try and do at least one thing differently in my life, once a week. Even if it’s something as simple as having my afternoon cup of coffee at a different Starbucks, or walking home from the grocery store using different streets.

It seems to keep my life fresh; seeing things differently.

So, I ask all of you to try doing something completely different from how you normally do it.

Go ahead, try it this week.

Who knows? You might just discover something very interesting…..

….and unique!

U Penn in Sepia

The first year I moved back to Philly, I visited the U Penn campus during the Fall and went absolutely gaga over its beauty. I had forgotten what an exquisite campus it was. It has now become my traditional ‘fall thing’ to do every year, because when the trees turn their vibrant color the campus looks even more beautiful.

One afternoon last week, on a cold and gray day, I took my camera and walked up to U Penn.

I had never used the sepia color setting on my camera before, so I thought this would be the perfect opportunity for me to try it out.

The grayness of the day mixed with the sepia tone, lent itself to bringing out the university’s magnificent architecture, designed and built by Edmund Woolley. While walking throughout the various buildings, I could almost feel the presence of Penn’s founder, Benjamin Franklin.

Yeah, I know…..paaaaaaaleeese!!!!….not another ghost story, Ron!

No, not another ghost story. I promise.

U Penn offers a broad range of academic departments, an extensive research enterprise and a number of community outreach and public service programs. Penn is particularly well known for its medical school, dental school, the Wharton business school, law school, the Annenberg School for Communication, nursing school, veterinary school, its social sciences and humanities programs, as well as its biomedical teaching and research capabilities.

Allow me to take you on a partial tour of U Penn in sepia…….

U Penn’s main building. I love this building because it reminds me of Dracula's castle.

Same building from another angle. Notice the glow of the sky’s reflection on the three arched windows in the center. It almost looks as though the light is eerily coming from inside the building.


Close up of the architecture.


A view from inside the U Penn library, looking out.

I’m not sure what this building is, but I had to take a picture of it because the pointy tops reminded me of something off the Taj Mahal.


Close up view.


I couldn’t believe how full-figured this ADORABLE squirrel was. I wanted to SQUEEZE him!


See, what did I tell you? Shit…...it's the ghost of Benjamin Franklin!!!



Have a fantabulous weekend everyone!

X


Note: Just wanted to let you all know that I started a photography blog last week. I will still occasionally post photos on this blog, however I wanted a separate space where I could journal my passion for photography. As with my other blogs, please know that I do not obligate anyone to visit my new blog. Simply stop by when and if you feel like it, at: Caught My Eye.

Do You Believe In Ghosts?

My inspiration for this post came from one of my talented blogging buddies, Mark, over at Mark My Words.

Over the past several weeks he has shared a few posts about his fascination with all things paranormal, particularly ghosts. He asked his readers if they too believed in ghosts, and I for one said that I did.

His posts caused me to remember an experience I had many, many years ago.

First, allow me to say that I am very open to things. I’m not someone who needs scientific proof that something is real for it to be real. I go with my feelings, therefore if my feelings tell me that something is real, it’s real.

One of my all-time favorite films is The Sixth Sense. It's pure genius. And I think it’s ironic that the story was set and filmed in Philadelphia, which is where I was born and now live again. I once saw an interview with M. Night Shyamalan, who was the writer and director of the film, and also a Philadelphian. He said that many of his stories are set in and around Philadelphia, Pennsylvania because of its ‘ghost-like’ feel. And he’s right, Philly does have a ghostliness about it. Perhaps it’s all the old American history and architecture, but you can feel the presence of people who once lived here. It’s as if a part of their essence still remains.

Now I don’t find that scary in anyway. Truthfully, find it very comforting and kinda cool.

Yet, the ghost experience I would like to share with you did not take place here in Philadelphia, but rather Florida.

So you see, ghosts are EVERYWHERE.

At the time, I was living in a garage apartment in Orlando, which sat behind a big, beautiful old home that was about 90 years old. I lived in that same apartment for 13 years. On this one particular evening, I was visiting my landlord and landlady while we all sat in their dining room, enjoying one of our delightful catch-up chats that we would have every so often.

I don’t know how long we were sitting there, but at one point they each got up and walked into the kitchen to get us something to eat, when all of a sudden out of the corner of my left eye I saw the image of a man walking down the staircase in their foyer. He wasn’t actually walking, more like levitating down the stairs. And rather quickly. Then he just vanished into thin air.

However, in those few seconds I got a good look at him. He had light skin, brown eyes, dark hair, and a closely cropped beard. He wore a white long cloak.

Well, needless to say it startled the hell out of me; causing the hair on the back of my neck to JUMP.

I never even mentioned it to my landlords when they came back into the dining room because I knew they would think I had been smoking some killer grass.

But several months later….

….I was sitting in my kitchen having a cup of tea and talking to a woman I had recently met in a class I was taking. My kitchen had French doors that were opened at the time, which overlooked the patio area of my landlords’ home. And as casual as casual could be, this woman said, “Oh….your landlords have a ghost living in their house.”

(blinking) I said, “What did you say?”

She said, “A ghost. Your landlords have a ghost living in their house. I can see him standing on the patio. He’s got dark hair, dark eyes, and a beard. He’s wearing a white robe. But don’t worry, he’s a friendly ghost.”

OH. MY. GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, now whenever anyone asks me if I believe in ghosts, I say….you better believe it, baby-cakes!

I see dead people……

Shit.....I owe the IRS money!

I don’t know how it’s been for my blogging friends who live somewhere else other than the U.S., but preparing last years taxes has been as much fun as having my nipples pierced.

(not that I ever had my nipples pierced)

First of all, this whole new thing about not mailing out tax forms to save paper; forcing us to prepare our taxes online instead of mailing them in has me so pissed, I could shoot red hot atomic fire balls out of my ass!

It’s as if the IRS is making it as difficult as possible for those of us who choose to mail our taxes. I’m sorry, but I’m old-fashioned and don’t trust the Internet enough to type out all my personal information over cyber space, only to have someone highjack my identity.

Gee….do you think I’m a tad PARANOID?

Damn right I am.

And I also think it’s terrible that our elderly citizens, many of which don’t even know how to use a computer, are being forced to hire someone to prepare their taxes because it’s been such a hassle for them.

I realize tax forms can be downloaded from the Internal Revenue Service website, however my printer is not working, therefore I had to go on a wild goose chase several times to our Federal Building because they were out of the forms I needed.

Yeah, yeah….I also could have had the forms mailed to me, but have you ever tried to call the IRS during tax season? By the time you get someone on the phone, you could copulate, get pregnant and give birth in 9 ½ months.

To TWINS!

I use to simply phone in my taxes, but the government took that option away from us YEARS ago. Now, they’re trying to deter the option of mailing them.

And besides this, I discovered that the IRS did not withhold as much taxes from our paychecks last year to help us out financially, even though I claim ZERO dependents on all my W2 forms. I do this for a reason, so that I don’t owe money at the end of the year. I would much rather have more taxes taken out of my paychecks each week so that I get it back at the end of the year instead of owing .

Well…..guess what?

I now OWE!

I did my taxes FOUR TIMES just to see if I had made a mistake, but I didn’t.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!?#?*?!

And thank god I was entitled to the $400.00 tax credit from Making Work Pay, because it reduced the initial amount I owed. For that, I am grateful.

This just freaks me out because in all my years of working, I’ve never owed the IRS.

I mean it’s not like I made $80,000. last year. HA! Hardly. So it seems ludicrous that with my very average income, I would owe anything?!

But alas, I do.

And let me tell y‘all….Ronnie ain’t exactly jumping around on a pogo stick; whacking his willie and cheering, “Hip-hip hooray! I owe the IRS money!”

Oh well, I guess it could be worse.

I could have my nipples pierced…….

NOT!

Wishing you a tax-free weekend everyone!

X