Happy Nude Year!

I realize this will probably be like the 500th New Year’s blog post you’ve already read this week, so I won’t bore you with how I plan on setting a resolution pack with myself for a better 2012, because first of all I can never KEEP resolutions, and second of all I don’t believe in them for myself.

If I resolve or change something about my life, I certainly don’t need a New Year to do it.

Besides, change will happen to me whenever it’s supposed to happen, whether I want it to or not.

Change is inevitable. I can either embrace it or resist it, but it’s still going to change.

I never think of New Years as the beginning of starting something that I want to have happen. I tend to think of New Years with anticipation as to what life is going to give me to happen.

I follow my life. I don’t navigate my life to follow my wants, because my wants are constantly vacillating.

And quite frankly, I don’t always know what’s best for me.

Too many times I’ve actively planned and organized my life as to what direction I wanted it to go, only to be sideswiped by a detour. A detour that required me to take a different path. A path that was much better for me than the one I had planned.

Sometimes the most powerful thing I can do to change the direction of my life…is to stay attentive, wait for my life to give me a cue, and then muster the courage to follow it.

That being said, I can sense a lot of change and growth happening for me in 2012.

And yet, I’m not quite sure as to WHAT that change and growth will actually entail, but I look forward to it with excitement.

For some reason, I feel myself stretching my creative muscles in 2012 – possible changes and expansions in my blog, and changes at work.

I also feel myself opening more to intimacy.

And I know that some of these changes will be challenging because they will cause me to look deep within myself and address my fears. But that’s a good thing. I’ve learned something about my fears; they are my greatest teachers because they allow me to feel both vulnerable and powerful.

My fears are like doorways that when finally opened, I see that I had nothing to fear but my own sense of fearing fear.

Therefore, I embrace the changes and growth that this New Year will have happen to me.

Knowing, I will have all the means at hand to move with these changes.

So bring it on, 2012!

Happy Nude Year Everyone!

And thank you SO MUCH for sharing this past year with me. I look forward to continuing our journey’s with one another in the upcoming year; discovering things as we grow.

X

Christmas Gifts And How I Spent My Day

Please don’t feel sad when I tell you how I spent my Christmas day, because if you’ve ever worked in retail during the holiday season surrounded by mobs of people, and experienced the sensory overload of bright lights, constant Christmas music, screaming children, and non-stop talking to customers, you might just understand my need to spend Christmas day totally ALONE and QUIET.

Actually, I had a lovely Christmas day because it was so nice to not have to be anywhere at a specific time. And even though friends offered that I spend the day with them, the last thing I wanted to do was be around MORE people. So, I declined.

I slept in, had a leisurely breakfast while watching the movie “White Christmas”, opened a few Christmas gifts, and then spoke to my mother and brother in Florida on the phone.

Oh yeah, and I also did two loads of laundry because I literally had NO clean clothes to wear. And thank god no other tenants were in the laundry room that day because I had to do my laundry NAKED, except for the big red ribbon and a piece of holly I tied around my manhood.

It gave a whole new meaning to the song, “Jingle Bells.”

Later that night, I had a nice quiet dinner and then spoke to my dear friend, Diana, in Florida on the phone.

It was so glorious to finally have a day to myself, when I could just chill out, relax, and just BE.

To me, Christmas is a state of heart, therefore I can experience the spirit of Christmas whether alone or spending it with others.

Since my immediate family lives in another State, we don't have the chance to get together with one another, therefore we celebrate Christmas in our own way. But yet, together in spirit.

This year, I received some really thoughtful gifts from family, friends, and people I work with.

Here are a few….


My brother, Tom, sent me this book on Lucille Ball because he knows how much I ADORED her.

The book is a documentation of Lucille Ball’s long-spanning career which includes: stories, photos, and replicated memorabilia. It’s such a freakin’ COOL book. Thanks, bro!

Here are some bottles of wine I received from people that I work with because they know how much I love the taste of red wine. My favorites are Cabernet Sauvignon and Pinot Noir. But I also enjoy a hearty Shiraz. Two of these bottles were given to me by my buddy, Frankie. Thanks, Frankie!


My friend, Diana, sent me a FABULOUS body care kit from Kiehl’s because she knows what a beauty product junkie I am. Thanks, Diana!

Here are a two Starbucks gift cards I received from people I work with. I also received one (which I already used) a few weeks ago from my blogging friend over at My Friends With Benefits. Thanks, girl! You have no idea how much that gift card helped to keep me AWAKE during these past two weeks at work.

The only thing I’m not happy about when it comes to this Christmas was that I asked Santa (once again) for a Barbie doll. And considering how NICE I’ve been this year and not NAUGHTY, you would think he would have given me my one GREAT Christmas gift wish.

Therefore, I’ve decided to give Santa a subtle hint for next year….

I feel pretty….oh, so pretty….I feel pretty, and witty, and GAY.

Merry Christmas And An Update

Hi everyone!

Okay, first things first.

I would like to thank all of you for your comments on my previous post and for stopping by to check up on me these past few weeks during my absence. That really touched me.

Yes, I’m still alive (well, half alive) and surviving this retail season.

Outside of working 9-10 hours a day and being utterly exhausted from TALKING all day, it’s actually been a very good season so far. Customers have been pleasant and are SPENDING. Somehow the ‘energy’ of this holiday season has been different than those in the past. Customers seem to have the true Christmas spirit, being patient, jolly, and very enjoyable to wait on.

Sure, I’ve had a few PAIN IN MY ASS CUSTOMERS, but most everyone else has been cool.

I’ve also had some really great things transpire since I last posted.

Meeting Frankie - I finally met Frankie, the gentleman I posted about last month. And can just tell you how excited and honored I was to meet with him and have the opportunity to say (in person) how much of an inspiration he is to me. I was very moved in meeting him.

And I was right…..he is a very special person.

He’s a beacon of positive energy, which you can feel in his presence. He’s both extremely confident, yet humble. He lives what he believes and practices - there is no such thing as limitation.

I am also VERY excited to say that Frankie has agreed to do an interview with me on my blog next month, when he will answer some questions and share the story of his life, prior and after his motorcycle accident. You will also have the opportunity to response and ask him questions in your comments. When he and I spoke last week, he conveyed to me how anxious he is to do this interview and meet all of YOU because he was so touched by your comments on my previous post about him. So please stay tuned because I have a feeling you’re going to REALLY enjoy this post.

My New Computer – I finally purchased a new desktop computer and am LOVING it! I got a great deal on an HP Pavilion, which ended up being a better and less expensive computer than I had originally been searching for. I’ll be sharing more about that in a future post.

Meeting a fellow blogger – I also had the opportunity to meet up with one of my longtime blogging friends, Dianne at Forks Off The Moment. She made a day-trip into Philadelphia earlier this month, when she and I attended an outstanding performance of The King And I, and then went out for dinner with one of the cast members. Dianne is everything and more I had imagined. She’s an AWESOME gal. Thanks for a great day, dear lady!

Anyway folks, I’ve been thinking about you all and missing the hell out of blogging. I can’t wait to get back into the swing of things and catch up with you.

I hope you’re enjoying this holiday season and savoring those precious moments.

I won’t be posting again until right after Christmas, so I wanted to take this time to wish you and your families a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Thank you for making this year a very special one by sharing your lives with me. You make my life richer in knowing you.

You guys ROCK!

I would like to leave you with a photo that was taken on Christmas day in 1959, when I was only four years old. Please notice how I’m sitting in front of a toy piano, wearing my pajamas and pair of Rocky and Bullwinkle roller skates.

Apparently, I once had great aspirations of becoming the next Wolfgang Amadeus; playing Carnegie Hall while skating across the stage in my pj's....

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

X

My Seasonal Blogging Break

As most of you ladies and gents already know, I usually take a break from blogging this month because my hours gradually keep increasing until I’m eventually working 7-days a week, and eating chocolate and drinking coffee.

This is the time of the year when I have to work as many hours as both my companies are willing to give me because I won’t be working for the whole month of January, so I need to build up my savings account cushion.

Gratefully, both my companies found additional hours in their budgets, so they were able to offer me even MORE hours. I normally don’t take a blogging break until about 10 days before Christmas, but this year I’ve decided to take it a bit earlier.

I need to focus all my time and energy on work right now, therefore this will be my only post until the week before Christmas, when I will post again; wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas.

I’m happy to say that so far this Christmas retail season has been very positive, both stress-wise and economically. Customers have been extremely pleasant and less hesitant to make purchases than in past years. Both my companies are doing very well this year, thank heavens.

And I hope it continues.

*fingers crossed*


Oh, and by the way, the monitor on my desktop computer just recently died, so I’ll be shopping for a new one. I’ve decided that the actual computer needs to be replaced also, because I can feel it getting ready CRASH. I’ve had this desktop for over six years now, which came installed with Vista software (which was the most ASININE software EVER created in the HISTORY of software. It was the spawn of SATAN himself!), so I’ll be more than happy to see it go bye-bye. Thank god I also have a laptop because for the past two weeks, that’s all I’ve been using. So wish me luck on getting a great deal on a new desktop HP computer. I’m so excited!

Anyway folks, I wish you all a fantabulous holiday season. And just know I’ll be thinking of you and missing you A LOT.

I will try to stop by and visit your blogs, but it may be sporadic when time permits. At night, I’ll be soaking my feet, sipping some red wine, watching some of my favorite Christmas movies on DVD, and attempting to go to bed earlier than I normally do.

Thank you so much for your understanding during this extremely busy time for me.

Happy Holidays, y’all!

On Ending Relationships

I owe my inspiration for this post to my blogging buddy, Brit at Blunt Delivery.

So thanks, Brit!...X

Last week, she shared a post about endings - and in particular, endings to relationships. Her words caused me to remember a time back in the 80’s when a relationship with my then partner came to an end.

Within her post, Brit asked some thought-provoking questions which I thought were very insightful as to what we often ask ourselves whenever a relationship is in question.

One of her questions was:

“So what determines whether you make it?”

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As most of you already know, back when I lived in NYC, I had a relationship with a man that lasted for five years.

And this was a relationship I had bet my life on would last forever.

However, it didn’t.

In fact, in the end, I was the one who ended it.

It would take too long to explain all the details of our relationship, yet what I can tell you is that our relationship was one of great passion. And I don’t mean just physical passion, I mean an overall passion that made our relationship beautiful, and at times, volatile.

We were like two magnets that were drawn to one another.

We loved each another with such an intensity, but at the same time we disagreed with that same intensity.

We were both much younger when our relationship came into being, so I know that the core of our struggles came from our lack of life experience.

He was three years older then I and had had prior relationships, therefore was more savvy in the ways of manipulation. I on the other hand had had no prior relationships, therefore threw myself into our union with total child-like abandonment; never concerning myself with mind-games. I believed that when you loved someone, there was nothing to hide or withhold. And I also believed in loyalty and commitment.

Let me say, that he was a very good-hearted person deep down and had many wonderful qualities, so I don’t wish to paint him as someone who was all negative. It’s just that he demanded so much. As attractive and talented as he was, he was as equally insecure. But, I never saw this until much later.

I took me years to realize that the reason for his many sexual indiscretions during our relationship was because he needed constant reassurance that he was attractive to the world.

And it took me years to also realize that for as much as he loved me, HIS existence would always be more important.

I tried to accept by overlooking the things I didn’t like, but then ended up resenting myself for accepting those things.

So I began to get vocal, and that’s when the friction commenced.

It was okay if I was passive, yet when I began to assert myself, he didn’t like it.

Our last six months together were a roller coaster ride of ups and downs; fighting, then making up.

In reality, we could both feel that an ending was inevitable, but we desperately clung to the love that connected us.

After one of our most heated arguments, when things got a tad physical, we both decided that a temporary separation over the summer would do us some good by clearing the air and then starting over.

I went back to Florida and stayed with my family for a few months. However, it was during that time when I was alone, I began to replay our five-year relationship over in mind and came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted to participate.

I realized that I had lost myself in our relationship.

My life became his life. I became the invisible man.

But I was as much responsible for that as he. Because I allowed it by not loving myself enough.

Therefore, if I wanted to continue in our relationship I knew I would have to accept it under his terms, and I didn’t want to.

I was exhausted.

So I ended it. Over the phone.

He was shocked.

Yet, as I shared with Brit in my comment on her post, he and I spoke again after 15 years of not seeing or speaking to one another. And our conversation was a very positive one because we both expressed how we remembered loving one another, and sincerely thanked each other for having been in one another’s lives because we learned something.

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Now back to Brits question: “So what determines whether you make it?”

God, I really don’t know the answer to that.

But I do know that after you’ve tried for five years to make it work by accepting the person for who they are, I think you can still love them, but also know when it’s time to move on because you realize that the things you were trying to accept about that person…..are just not acceptable.

So you make a choice.

And does that mean you didn‘t "make it" in the relationship?

No, I don’t think so. It just means you grew out of the relationship……

Have an AWESOME weekend everyone!

X