Friday, September 14, 2012

TMI: Boogies, Gas, And The Nasty

Warning: To Much Information post ahead.

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I’ve had a great week so far.

And I think the greatest thing about it is that I can actually feel fall slowing moving into the north east.

After having such an ungodly HUMID previous week, it felt absolutely glorious to experience a sudden drop in temperature. After all the heat and humidity we had this summer, I now feel like I can BREATH again.

As I shared in previous posts, I truly enjoyed this past summer (heat and all), but I am glad it’s coming to a close because I’m ready for a change.

Most of you already know, this is the time of year I RELISH (summer moving into fall, and then fall moving into winter). And even though this means that everything starts to slow down and goes into a hibernation state, it ironically makes me feel ALIVE and ENERGETIC. I seem more creative and inspired when fall hits.

Therefore, I am soooooo happy that the seasons are changing; bringing with them festive holidays.

Halloween.

Thanksgiving.

Christmas.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, not only did I have a great week because of the season shift, but I also experienced some classic TMI moments that I would like to share.

The Boogie Picker:

I spotted this guy in the café at Barnes and Noble. I was just minding my own business, having a cup of java and reading a photography book, when I suddenly looked up and saw this BOOGIE PICKER. And trust me, this was no ordinary boogie picker, this was a guy who looked like he did it for a LIVING. So I grabbed my camera and took his photograph. I know that was a terribly invasive and sneaky thing to do, especially when someone is doing something so private as picking their nose. But then I thought, “So what? I mean it wasn’t THAT private if he was open enough to pick his nose in PUBLIC (and in a café where people are EATING and DRINKING), so he deserves to be on the Internet for PUBLIC viewing, don’t you think? And this photo is tame, because right after I snapped it he practically took all FIVE FINGERS and rammed them up inside his nostrils and picked out his PITUITARY GLAND.

Lentils and Gas:

Do you see the photo above of the lentil soup? Well, I purchased TWO cans earlier this week because Super Fresh was having a 99 cent sale on selected soups.

I LOVE lentils, but lentils don’t love me because whenever I eat them, I develop so much GAS that I could supply New York City, Chicago and Los Angeles with enough natural gas to keep them going for THREE YEARS.

And I’m not kidding.

So how stupid was I to eat a huge can of lentil soup before going into work on Wednesday?

VERY stupid.

Not a half hour after being there, I developed such horrible gas cramps in my intestines that I had to hide behind one of the cosmetic counters (ON THE FLOOR), until the cramps subsided. I felt like I was having LABOR contractions that were five seconds apart. And they were so PAINFUL. I looked like Joan Crawford in the movie, What Ever Happen to Baby Jane, right after Bette Davis kicks her in the stomach and leaves her WRITHING on the floor.

Then.

All of a sudden I couldn’t hold the gas in any longer, so I just let it GO.

ALL. DAY. LONG. In short little toots.

My only saving grace is that I work around a lot of perfume and cologne, so every time I tooted…I sprayed the air with a different fragrance to mask my stinky indiscretions. Let’s just say that wherever I was standing that day, I smelled like a French whore with intestinal issues.

And when I think of it, I’m just as bad as the guy sitting in Barnes and Noble picking his nose in public.

Actually WORSE, because not only did it look bad, but it SOUNDED and SMELLED bad as well.

Lastly, I would like to share a short video I made of two adorable squirrels in the park that were getting ready to do the nasty. I caught them right in the middle of some foreplay.

I give you….Squirrel Foreplay.

Wishing you a playful weekend everyone! 

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