Monday, April 15, 2013

The Reconstruction Of My Eyebrows

I think when God was creating me he got a little heavy-handed and overzealous in the eyebrow department.

I bet he was thinking, “Okay, let’s see how bushy I can make Ronnie’s eyebrows, so that they resemble two large caterpillars walking across his forehead. Just for the hell of it.”

But I think he knew that I would eventually discover eyebrow tweezers, a comb and a pair of scissors to reconstruct his handiwork; having the freewill to “Do with them what you wish, Ronnie.”

Here are some photos I found when I was younger, with my eyebrows in the RAW.

High School Photograph:

*See? Didn't they look like two caterpillars on my forehead?

An Old Passport Photo:

*Yeah I know, this looks like a mug shot of a drug trafficker from Columbia wearing a polyester Disco shirt, but it IS me.

Later, when I began my acting career, I had an agent suggest that I groom my eyebrows so that my eyes would look more polished. And she was right. So I purchased a pair of eyebrow tweezers, a comb and small pair of scissors, and began a task that I would have to do for the remainder of my life.

And if you only knew how much time I spend on my eyebrows each day, you would slap me. Grooming my brows turned into a full time vocation. But if I didn’t do it, I would quickly revert back to my original blueprint.

Here is a photo collage, after I first started coiffuring my eyebrows. These are two photos from an old headshot composite. Don't I look like a combination of Greg Brady from The Brady Bunch and Tom Jones in his Las Vegas act?

*As you can see, I plucked a clean space between my brows, and also shaped them a bit.

A photo collage of my brows, presently:

The problem is, as I’m getting older, my eyebrows are actually getting thicker - and not only thicker, but LONGER.

I’m sure you’ve all seen older men with those bushy, camel-like eyebrows that stand out about 12 inches from their face. You know the ones I’m talking about, right? The ones that when you're talking to them, you keep staring at their eyebrows, watching them go up and down and up and down; creating a wind. And your only thought is that you wish you could grab the nearest weed-whacker and CHOP THEM OFF.

I mean if he’s going to leave them THAT long, he at least needs to use some hair gel to flatten them out. Because eventually he's going to POKE some innocent bystander in the eyes.

However, I can only imagine that as I progress in age, when my eyesight gets so bad that I can no longer even use a 100x magnifying mirror to pluck and cut my eyebrows because I can’t see them anymore, I know I’ll probably get to the point of saying, “Oh, screw it….just go back to your original blueprint, Ron!”

And end up looking like one of the Muppets…

Happy Monday everyone!

X