The Case of My Spotted Calvin Klein Underwear, And Good Things Come In Small Packages



Back when I was still acting, if someone had told me that I would one day be cast in a play where my character would have to strip down to just his underwear and go through a physical examination onstage in the first scene of the first act, I would have said, “Yeah right. Stop yanking my chain. No way!"

But alas, that did in fact actually happen.

Now, it’s bad enough to have to go through a physical examination in real life in a doctors office. But to have to do it in front of an audience of 250 members and feel all 500 eyes staring at your nether parts, is kind of like having one of those childhood dreams where you go to school and discover that you're not wearing any pants while standing in front of the entire speech class.

But hey, I was an actor who liked to dare myself to do things that frightened me. So I did it.

My only request to the director of the play was that once the cast got up on our feet and started rehearsing the play without looking at our scripts, I wanted to get used to taking my clothes off down to my own underwear in that first scene so that it would become second nature. I also didn't mind that everyone else in the cast and crew were watching because it got me comfortable doing it before a full audience.

So, after overcoming the initial awkwardness of stripping in rehearsals, my other concerns were:

a) What type of underwear would I be wearing in the scene?

b) And what color would they be?

The director and I decided on a pair of Calvin Klein briefs because they would keep my "equipment" nicely organized.

And we decided on the color gray because white would get dirty too fast, and black would only make me look like a gay porn star.

So, gray it was.

Normally the theater provides all the costumes in a show, but since we were talking about my underwear, I wanted to buy them myself and care for them myself.

I purchased three pairs so that I could alternate them throughout the eight-week run of the play.

However, what I failed to realize is that gray would easily show the “wet spots” you sometimes get after you urinate.

And unfortunately I found that out one night when right before I had to go onstage, I needed to take a leak. After I finished and was pulling up my jeans, I saw a big ole wet spot on the front of my underwear.

Suddenly, I heard our stage manager call over the intercom, “Actors, take your places for Act One, please!"

So I quickly grabbed someone’s hair dryer in the dressing room and proceeded to give myself a blow job.

I started yelling, “WAIT! WAIT! Hold the curtain…I have a WET SPOT on my underwear. WAIT!”

I eventually got it dry and dashed onstage to take my position before the lights came up on Act One, Scene One. Whew!

The following night before the show, however, I didn't want that to ever happen again, so I came up with the clever idea of taking a wad of toilet paper and tucking it into the front of my briefs to prevent any future wet marks in case I had to pee before the scene. Then, right before I had to go onstage, I would dash into the restroom and remove it.

And I did this every single night for the remainder of the show because I was so paranoid it might happen again.

However...

On the night that all the people I worked with at the hair salon came to see a performance, I was most likely preoccupied with being nervous because I forgot to take the toilet paper out of my underwear before I went onstage for the medical exam scene.

And I didn't realized what I had done until intermission, when I had to use the restroom.

To be honest though, I didn't give it much thought until the next day at work, when one of the girls came up to me and said, “Ron, I need to tell you something.”

I said, “Yes?”

She said, “Jesus Christ, last night when you stripped down to your underwear in the play, Cathy, Connie and I, all looked at one another and said. "DAMN…for a little guy, he really packs a BIG one!”

*blink-blink*

I'm thinking, "What is she talking about?!?"

And then it dawned on me. I suddenly remembered the wad of toilet paper that I had left in my Calvin Klein undies. But instead of telling her the truth, I lied through my teeth.

I batted my eyelashes and coyly said, “Oh well, you know what they say….good things come in small packages!”


Wishing you a flawless weekend, everyone!

And be well...💗

30 comments

  1. "So I quickly grabbed someone’s hair dryer in the dressing room and proceeded to give myself a blow job." ROFLMAO! Ron, I just about died when I read that. I was laughing so hard that my girlfriend, who was in the other room, kept asking me what I was laughing at. And when I showed her, she too laughed her ass off!

    What a hysterical story, Ron! I don't know man, I don't think I could strip to my underwear in front of people. I'm too shy. I can't believe the people who can go to a nude beach and think nothing of it.

    Great story, dude! I love when you share stories about you life. You should right a book!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hiya Matt!

    I too am naturally very shy and modest. There is no way in hell I could ever go to a nude beach. However, when it comes to doing things onstage, it's like I'm a completely different person. Being an actor gives you the freedom to do things you wouldn't normally do yourself.

    In fact, many actors will tell you that deep down they are very shy. But onstage or in film, they can do anything.

    Thanks so much for stopping by, and have a faaaaaaabulous weekend!

    X

    ReplyDelete
  3. http://ladyfi.wordpress.comMay 22, 2020

    OMG - lucky I wasn't drinking coffee while reading this. I'm laughing my head off!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ron, I was going to say exactly what one of your other readers said in her comment about lucky I wasn't drinking my morning coffee when I read this because it would have been all over the place. You are SO FUNNY! I told you before that you need to get an act together and do stand-up. All you would have to do is tell your own stories and you'd be a hit.

    LOVED this! And the Tiffany's box at the end was brilliant. LOL! x

    ReplyDelete
  5. What is it they say? "Necessity is the mother of invention." Clever thinking there, my friend! And gee, to think you killed two birds with one stone, right?!! Have a super weekend! xo

    ReplyDelete
  6. HA! So glad you enjoyed, Fiona! The other day I was thinking about things that happened to me in my previous life as an actor, and I suddenly remembered this.

    Have a superb weekend, my friend. And thanks so much for stopping by!

    X

    ReplyDelete
  7. Tee-hee! I recalled this experience whilst thinking about my time in theater. This happened in the early 90's. I was working for a theater company in Orlando, Florida.

    I wish I had the courage to do stand-up. I enjoy conquering my fears, however, stand-up is a fear I honestly feel paralyzed about. That's why I so admire stand-up comedians. It takes a lot of guts to go out there and stand alone.

    Thanks so much for stopping by, Candice. Have a grrrrrreat weekend!
    X

    ReplyDelete
  8. ""Necessity is the mother of invention."

    Debbie, I LOVED that! Yes, you're so right, I killed two birds with one stone. LOL!

    Have a super weekend too, my friend. And thanks for stopping by. I just remembered that Monday is a holiday!

    X

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ron, what a great way to start the weekend. With a big laugh! I've got to tell you that both my husband and I read your blog whenever you post. Today he read it first and said, oh wait until read Ron's post, you're going laugh your ass off. And I did!

    "I quickly grabbed someone’s hair dryer in the dressing room and proceeded to give myself a blow job."

    LOL! And I bet it was a HOT one too! LOL!

    I can't imagine the things that happens sometimes when you perform live. But I'm sure in many cases, the audience doesn't even realize it and thinks it's part of the show.

    Thank you for the laughs, Ron. Have a great holiday weekend! ox

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hilarious, Ron! While reading, I was reminded of how girls used to stuff their bras with TP, so I saw what was 'coming' ..........bahahaha! Ok, you will not believe this, but last night I was asking my husband about urinals at work because he is going back to the office. We were talking about how they might have to tape some off for social distancing and then I started asking questions like, "Is there a drip factor with your dress pants?" This cracked him up, but I really didn't know if it was an issue. He claimed he shakes it off before putting it away! LOL!!! I guess that is not your method, Ron!

    You are too much with this post! 'Gave myself a blow job' is classic! Thanks for the laugh and I hope you have a great holiday weekend! XO

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hey there Elaine!

    Glad you and your hubby had a giggle this morning. I had fun recalling this experience. And what is so ironic was that when I went online to try and find pictures of gray Calvin Klein underwear, I never thought I would find the same style underwear that I wore in the play. But, there they were...exactly the same!

    Yes, crazy stuff happens all the time when you perform live. But you're right, most of the time (unless it's a huge mistake) the audience is never the wiser. It's the actors that get so upset about it because you think it's obvious. And trust me, I've have many mishaps onstage during my time in the theater.

    Thanks so much for stopping by, neighbor! Have a grrrrrrrrrreat holiday weekend!

    X

    ReplyDelete
  12. Rob LenihanMay 22, 2020

    All right, Ronnie "The Wad" is in the house!

    Awesome story, son, though, you had me going for a second when you said that you gave yourself a blow job.

    I know you're talented, but even for you, that's a stretch--literally!!

    Honestly, I don't know how actors do it. The thought of going out on stage terrifies me, and if I had to do it in my BVDs, I think I'd be DOA!

    Great story, buddy! You have yourself and fabulous weekend, and please don't squeeze the Charmin!

    ReplyDelete
  13. OMG yes! yes! yes! I do remember that! In fact, I remember my sister talking to her best girlfriend when she was a teenage about that because I think they were going to a party and wanted to impress the boys. LOL!

    "I started asking questions like, "Is there a drip factor with your dress pants?" This cracked him up, but I really didn't know if it was an issue. He claimed he shakes it off before putting it away! LOL!!! I guess that is not your method, Ron!"

    That CRACKED ME THE HELL UP!!!! And yes, most men do shake (and so do I) but sometimes you either forget, or you're in a hurry, or quite frankly, you just don't care and you pull up your underwear without shaking it. But I think it's hilarious that you were just talking about that last night.

    TMI:

    I for one don't use urinals in the men's room because I think it's disgusting to stand that close to someone and urinate. Plus, I'm pee shy and can't go if people are watching. LOL! I only use the stalls.

    Thanks so much for stopping by, my friend. Your comment was VERY funny, so thanks for the laughs!

    Have a superb holiday weekend!

    X

    ReplyDelete
  14. "you had me going for a second when you said that you gave yourself a blow job."

    I know you're talented, but even for you, that's a stretch--literally!!"

    Bwhahahahahahahahahaha! OMG Rob, that made me laugh out loud. HYSTERICAL!!!

    Yeah, and I agree with you. I'm limber, but not THAT limber.

    "The thought of going out on stage terrifies me, and if I had to do it in my BVDs, I think I'd be DOA!"

    It's funny, Rob, because I'm normally very shy and self-conscious about stuff like that. I could never go to a nude beach. However, onstage (standing in front of 2-3 hundred people) I can do pretty much anything. It's not that I'm not afraid, but for some reason I can push myself to things. I think a lot of actors can say that.

    Thanks so much for stopping by, buddy. Have a most excellent weekend!

    And Happy Memorial Day on Monday!

    X

    ReplyDelete
  15. I can't imagine using a urinal. I sometimes have trouble urinating if someone goes into the stall next to me! I'm actually surprised my husband uses a urinal, esp. at work!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Using a urinal to me is barbarian. It's like using a horse trough.

    Me too, I have issues urinating even if there is someone else in the next stall because I keep thinking they can hear me pee. LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ron!!!! Oh my god....I just about fell off my desk chair when I read the part about giving yourself a blow job! HYSTERICAL!. How do you think of these things that you say? You're a riot!

    I don't know how you did it. There is no way I could disrobe down to my underwear in front of an audience. Nooooooo way! And I don't care if I in the most perfect shape, I still couldn't do it.

    If I can ask, what was the name of the play you were in? I would love to know. And did you do that in New York?

    Thank you for being so funny and making me laugh. I've had a bad day, so reading this tonight made me feel so much better!

    Have a wonderful weekend! xo

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hola Denise!

    I know, I didn't think I ever could either. But as I shared, I was the kind of actor who was propelled to do things that frightened me. It made me want to do it even more. But I did know that if I was going to do it, I needed to get used to disrobing in front of people immediately. Which is why I asked the director to let me start doing it as soon as I could.

    The play was called, "The Normal Heart" I wrote about it last year when I shared photographs on my blog of various plays I was in. It was a play based on a true story about AIDS in New York during the 80's. And no, I did the play in Orlando, Florida.

    Glad you had a laugh, and I hope you're evening and weekend are faaaaabulous!

    Thank you for stopping by, girl!
    X

    ReplyDelete
  19. Ron, I love the theater and enjoy being in the audience watching, but thought of being onstage terrifies me. Did you ever experience stage fright?

    Very funny story!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hey there Daniel!

    OMG, yes! I got stage fright every single time before stepping onstage. And I don't care how long I performed in a show, the stage fright never left me. Yet, once I actually got out onstage and started saying my lines, the fear diminished.

    I never understood they actors who claimed that they NEVER had stage fright. Even Sir Laurence Olivier said that he had terrible stage fright.

    Thanks so much for stopping by, my friend. Have a great weekend!
    X

    ReplyDelete
  21. DA PerrucciMay 23, 2020

    Thanks Ron for making my day today. I can't imagine performing anywhere, much less in underwear but you made it seem like no big deal, just an actor in a role. That said the parts about the blow dryer and the wadded toilet paper were so funny and believe me I was almost trying to imagine the scenes. Hope you enjoy this different holiday weekend and in all good ways.

    ReplyDelete
  22. You are so welcome, glad you enjoyed and had a laugh.

    Do you know what's ironic? As a kid, (and even as an adult) I'm very shy and modest. However, when I was onstage, I could do pretty much anything. And it's not that I didn't feel apprehensive or scared, but I did it anyway just to prove to myself that I could do it. Also, when you're acting, you're not yourself...you're someone else. So you can hide.

    OMG...when I saw that wet spot on my undies and the stage manager called, "Places!", I panicked. And the first thing I saw was someone's blow drier, so that's what I grabbed, and blew! LOL!

    Hope you're enjoying a great holiday weekend, my friend. Thank you for stopping by!

    X

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh my God, what a story! I laughed myself silly over it.

    You know, I'm not excessively modest, but I'd have a difficult time being on stage in just my undies.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Tee-hee! Aren't I a silly, silly man? I can never again look at a pair of gray Calvin Klein underwear and NOT think about the wet spot!

    "You know, I'm not excessively modest, but I'd have a difficult time being on stage in just my undies."

    Yes! And I'm glad you said that because before I did the show people were trying to convince me by saying, "What's the big deal? I'm sure you've worn bathing suits that were more revealing than a pair of underwear briefs!" But it's the principle of the thing, a bathing suit is a bathing suit, but underwear are UNDERWEAR.

    Thanks so much for stopping by, my friend. Hope you're enjoying a terrifice weekend.

    Happy Memorial Day!
    X

    ReplyDelete
  25. This one had me laughing out loud, Ron. I applaud your bravado and willingness to bare almost all for your art. Your theater stories are fascinating and funny. But the best part about this post was your coworkers' reactions to your package...and your coy reaction. I'm pretty sure most guys in that situation would have done the same thing and played along...I know I would have!

    Hope you're enjoying your long holiday weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Aw...thanks, Mark! :)

    I love a good challenge in which I'm frightened, because it makes me want to do it even more.

    "I'm pretty sure most guys in that situation would have done the same thing and played along...I know I would have!"

    Absolutely! You got that right, most guys would. And it's so funny because I can still to this day recall the look on her face when she told me. Her eyes were bugging out of her head. LOL!

    Thanks so much for stopping by, my friend. Hope you're enjoying a faaaaaabulous Memorial Day!

    X to you and Tara!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Ron, I had to stop by and mention the news about the passing of Larry Kramer who wrote the play you were in (The Normal Heart). I saw it on the new this afternoon and immediately thought of you. I heard there is a documentary that's coming out about the life of Larry Kramer, which I would love to see.

    ReplyDelete
  28. OMG Denise....yes, I heard about Larry Kramer this afternoon on someone's Instagram feed. I was shocked! He was 84 and had been dealing with multiple health issues. He was a fighter though, so I always thought he would keep going. I thought of the play and what an experience it was because it was a huge part of AIDS history and all he did to support it.

    Yes, I did see on HBO that there is a documentary coming out in June. Can't wait to see it.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Bwahahahah! That's a great story! Sometimes necessity is the mother of invention. Good job on the improve idea. X

    ReplyDelete
  30. Thanks, Lisa!

    This experience was one of those experiences that comes along once in a lifetime. Thank God! LOL!

    ReplyDelete

I moderate all comments before publishing. Thank you for stopping by.