I am NOT Amused

I’m a total little sissy-baby when it comes to amusement park rides.

In fact, there’s really no point in me going to an amusement park at all, because I’ve never even been slightly AMUSED.

I can’t stand going on rides that have anything to do with spinning me in a circle; jerking my body up and down; or suddenly dropping me from 300 feet - they all freak me out.

So, what does that leave me to do?

NOTHING!

(even the merry-go-round makes me want to vomit)

I spend all my time holding other peoples coats and purses while they enjoy the rides.

(I look like a friggin’ coat-check guy)

I don’t understand WHY people enjoy doing this to themselves; having their bodies flounced around like a rag doll, and get off on feeling as though they’re falling from the Empire State Building…plunging to their death!?!

I mean, do they have some kind of secret S&M thrill-fantasy to live their life on the edge?

And if they do, why don’t they just walk down the streets of New York City for free?

Years ago when I lived Florida, I made the HUGE mistake of allowing a friend to talk me into going on the ride “Space Mountain” in Disneyworld. She was a big fat liar, telling me that the ride was NO BIG DEAL because she had been on it a dozen times and that everyone else was just exaggerating about how scary it really was.

So like an idiot, I stood in a 45 minute waiting line, while taking a mental note of my last will and testament.

As soon as we got strapped into our seats and the cars started their ascent into the pitch-black void of DARKNESS…my friend turned around and laughingly said, “You’re going to DIE!!!!!”

I looked at her with complete horror on my face and said, “I‘m going to kill you, BITCH!”

The only thing I remember about the ride, is feeling as though I had been tossed into a blender and someone pressed the button PUREE. I couldn’t even scream because I was too scared. I held onto the grip-bars so tight….I thought my hands were going to explode.

The next thing I remember, is that the ride had stopped and I was lying on the floor of the car, dripping in sweat with the seat belt wrapped around my neck.

I slowly peeled myself off the seat and then told my BITCH-friend that I needed to go the nearest restroom and compose myself.

When I looked into the mirror…I swear, I saw my hair standing straight up and totally gray and my face the color of chalk.

(I look as though I had just had a week’s worth of electrical shock therapy treatments)

When I came out of the restroom, my EX-friend was standing there laughing her ass off.

And I screamed… “YOU BETTER PRAY THAT GOD ALMIGHTY PROTECTS YOU IN YOUR SLEEP TONIGHT WOMAN!!"





Photo: Koryhoopes

19 comments

  1. Ohhh, thats funny.I hate scary rides too, and scarey movies, I do get really scared, and I have a fear of flying, which is funny, as I fly on an average of once a month...

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  2. Morning Enigma~

    Ohhh, that's SO funny...because I hate flying too!!!!

    The last time I flew was like, 7 years ago and I don't care if I ever fly again for the next 7 years! Flying TOTALLY freaks me out. And I had to fly to Japan once! It was 27 hours of sheer FEAR.

    Now, what's weird...is that I LOVE scary movies. Not violent slasher movies...but suspense scary movies. Like "The Panic Room" - I love "cat and mouse" movies, where someone is trying to escape a killer and they're being tormented.

    Aren't I a SICK man????

    YES.

    And I especially love to watch a scary film with the lights out and my hands covering my eyes.

    Always GREAT talking with you Enigma...thanks for stopping by!!

    Enjoy our day....

    Signed,
    The Scaredy Cat

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  3. It's the high of "safe scare." Most of the time you know deep in your brain you won't really die that let's people enjoy the thrill. Of course there are always those times when you DO die from either mechanical or bodily malfunctions. This just adds to the thrill.

    I also tend to be the holder of sodas and purses. I'd rather get my "thrills" in a more comfortable setting.

    Space Mountain is Disney's anti-Christ. It is pure evil.

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  4. Well, to add my 2 cents (why is the cents symbol not on my keyboard?) I am a bit of a wuss myself. It is a complex thing with me though. I hate being in or putting my family in any situation that is even slightly dangerous. Like for example, driving on the beltway around DC...that is some scary shit right there!!! And more than slightly dangerous. I mean, all the vehicles are 2 feet apart going 100 MPH. All I can see in my mind is a huge multi-car pile up waiting to happen. And I would prefer not to be in the pile-up. So if we are forced to drive on the beltway, I pretty much have a series of panic attacks the whole time, one right after the other.
    I am more than scared to death of flying. I have flown before, but again, I cried and hyper-ventilated the whole way.
    And back to the point of your post, amusement parks. We don't do those!! And my husband is 100% on board with my fear on this one after reading
    And we don't do carnivals either. No offense to anyone who might be reading this who is or may have been a carnival worker, but HOLY GOD, have you seen the people who put those rides together and operate them? That is some scary shit right there too!!!
    Anyways.....rambling again!
    Oh and Ron, thanks for visiting me and for linking me. I'll get you linked up soon too.

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  5. Ohhhh, Nitebyrd...your humor is SOOOO freakin' wonderful!!

    the "anti-Christ!!!"

    (SO TRUE!!)

    (and once again, as I read your comment I look at your avatar and totally "loose it"...it's the best damnn avatar I've ever seen)

    You know...I've heard other people say the same thing you just did about it being a "safe scare". And actually, I DO see what they mean. I guess it's the same thrill I get from watching a SCARY movie.

    (however...watching a scary movie involves sitting safely in my own home on the ground...NOT dropping 300 feet from the air)

    Oh, well...to each his own!!!

    ALWAYS great laughing with you Nitebyrd...thanks for stopping by and enjoy your Monday!

    Sincerely,
    Scaredy Cat

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  6. Morning Nicole~

    You know was totally weird??? One day last week, while I was leaving a comment and needed to use the CENTS symbol...I thought that SAME THING!! Why didn't they add that key???

    Hey...why do you think I don't DRIVE anymore??? When I lived in Florida, driving on I95 was exactly how you described driving in DC!!! My palms use to sweat all over the steering wheel. And being a mother, I can just imagine what it feels like to be protective with your children/family...it's only natural.

    And FLYING....well...you, I and Enigma feel pretty much the same way when it comes to that!! It's just not worth putting myself through the physical and emotional stress that it involves.

    (I'd much rather walk somewhere...or take the TRAIN)

    And THANK YOU for sharing that link in your comment, because this is EXACTLY what I think about when it comes to amusement park rides. My mind is always saying..."How WELL are these things maintained???" It totally freaks me out!!

    And RAMBLE all you want...I do the same thing.

    Thanks for stopping by today, Nicole...it's always fun!!!

    Sincerely,
    The Scaredy Cat

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  7. oh my gosh, I really messed up that link, didn't I ?!?!

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  8. LOL you sound just like me!!!!

    MWM and eldest son love all those rides - the scarier the better. Youngest son and me hold the coats!

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  9. I suppose that I'm the mutant who actually enjoys roller coasters and being dragged through various aerial formations not meant for the human physical form. No small amount of this derives from the Justice League, I'm guessing. No small amount of blissful surrender to the powers that be ends up responsible for the endurance of this process, as so few individuals are listed as having left the mortal coil from a roller coaster, yet so many chances occur for things to go horribly awry. Perhaps my guardian spirit and I are a bit more of a buddy cop movie than most.

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  10. Evening Akelamalu~

    I find it so incredible, for as many people who DON'T enjoy amusement rides...there are equally as many who DO!!!!

    Whatever floats your boat, I guess!?!

    So, I guess if you and I ever go to an amusement park in the future...WE can be the ones holding the coats!

    (we'll go to the bar and have a glass of red wine)

    SOOOO much more CALMING...don't ya think???

    Thanks for dropping by today. Always good seeing ya!

    Mr. Scaredy Cat

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  11. Hiya Ben~

    GOOD seeing ya!

    Hey...I admire your willingness to surrender to a roller coaster ride, because it DOES take letting go and trusting!

    And you're right...so few mortals have ever been listed as leaving the human coil from a roller coaster ride.

    (I think it's so cool how you worded that)

    And more POWER to ya!

    Ohhh...and Happy Belated Birthday, Professor. I hope you enjoyed your day! I worked a lot of hours for the holiday last week, and I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to stop by and wish you this in person!

    Thanks for dropping by Ben. I'll see ya soon!

    Respectfully,
    Mr. Scaredy Cat

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  12. Well, another connection my friend!! I am not a roller coaster person (or anything similar), but somehow my children got me on Space Mountain...ONE TIME!!
    Like you I thought..IF I LIVE THROUGH THIS (which was a real concern of mine)I will NEVER get on this thing again not for thousands of dollars!! What'S worse than a roller coaster...a roller coaster in pitch black darkness!!
    I did not want my children on it ever again, but my ex husband over ruled me...notice the EX part!! After that when they went on Space Mountain I rode the PEOPLE MOVER. Did you ever ride on that..about two miles per hour and filled with ancient of days people!!
    I am not into danger..if I was I would have a bad ass motorcycle (goes so well with black leather).
    So my dear we could go to Disney together and have a blast!!
    Good safe energy to you!!

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  13. Oh my God, Gypsy-Heart...your comment made me laugh my ass off!!

    THAT IS TOOOO FUNNY!

    SEE...we really DO have a "connection."

    I had heard from a friend of mine, who actually worked for Disney, that they had to do MAJOR adjustments on the ride to make it less violent. Too many people were complaining that they were getting bruised.

    (they obviously did this AFTER you and I went on it)

    Bastards!

    No...I never heard of the PEOPLE MOVER, but it sounds much more like MY speed.

    (your "ancient of days people" remark made me laugh!!)

    Ok...so when I come back to visit Florida...and if we should happen to go to Disney (which I'm sure will NEVER happen) you and I will be PEOPLE MOVERS...or "people watchers" (which sounds even safer).

    Thank you SO MUCH for your wonderful comment, dearest Gypsy-Heart...it truly made my day!

    P.S. Motorcycles are ANOTHER thing that totally freaks me out!!! (however I'm REALLY into black leather)

    Safe Energy to you too,
    Mr. Scaredy Cat

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  14. Red wine instead of 'devil' ride - sounds good to me Ron.

    PS You have an award today!

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  15. I can go 'round and 'round OR up and down--but upsidedown=upchucking will happen.

    Now, ask if I ENJOY any of it.

    Absolutely freaking NOT.
    And I won't willingly sign up for it any more!

    *nails shoes to the floor and waves the picket sign*

    Heck no, I won't go!
    Heck no, I won't go!

    (didn't GO on Space Mountain-- smart like that AND not willing to go to jail for her crimes. LOL)

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  16. Howdy Mel~

    You were SOOOOO smart NOT to go on Space Mountain!!!!!

    Your comment made me LAUGH..."nails shoes to floor and waves the picket sign"

    (God...that was funny)

    Do you remember a ride called, "The Salt and Pepper Shaker?" It would actually turn you upside down AND spin you around, all at the same time!!!!

    I use to watch as everyones MONEY (loose change) would fall from the sky. The ground was covered in guarters, dimes, pennies and nickels!!

    Talk about a ride that made you UPCHUCK!!

    I would scream just LOOKING at it!

    Well...I've got to hand it to you Mel...at least you were willing to go on them!!! BRAVE lady are you!

    Thanks for stopping by and sharing your COURAGE!!!!

    Respectfully,
    Mr. Scaredy Cat

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  17. Hi Akelamalu~

    I'll stop by momentarily....

    NOT another OSCAR?????

    tee-hee!

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  18. Ron~
    I just recently had the opportunity to ride "space mountain" I had a job that took me to FL and paid very well, so I decided to take the 8 year old to Disney. Much to my regret. There is a shit hole i will never waste money on again. RUDE RUDE RUDE people every where, and I am talking about the employees. Don't get me started on Disney and what they can go do with themselves. But being the only companion for my thrill seeking little one, i was subjected to every roller coaster in the park. Space Mountain was the worst. I felt like every muscle and bone in my body had been jerked into a knot. I literally crawled off the ride.The little one looked down at me and said " I guess that means we can not ride it again?" I think my moan was a sufficient response.I hope you put electrical tape on her hairy parts...evil woman...

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  19. Dearest Sorrow~

    Your comment made me HOWL!!!

    I SOOOOOO share your distain for Disney. After you live in Orlando for so long (15 years)...you REALLY get a truthful look at what Disney is all about...MONEY and POWER.

    And don't get ME started on that place...because I could WRITE A BOOK!!!!

    (shit hole just about sums it up perfectly...thank you)

    If I NEVER go there again...I would NEVER care!

    Your description of "space mountain" was superb! As you could tell...I had the same reaction.

    They actually had to tame it down for the reasons you just said. It was too damn violent. And that's not an amusement park ride to me ...it's more like getting into a car accident!@#!

    Thank you for sharing your KEEN observation...it was SO refreshing to hear!!!

    Thanks for stopping by, Lady Sorrow...you're always a BRIGHT SPOT!

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