Friday, June 06, 2008

Tattoo Torture

I’ve learned something very interesting about life…

I must never say never…because I NEVER know.

I always said I would never get a tattoo, yet back in the mid-eighties I found myself with two friends…at tattoo parlor, trying to decide between getting either Popeye or a little devil holding a pitchfork engraved on my right shoulder

Which do you think I chose?

(hint: “The devil made me do it“)

First off I would like to say, that those of you who have a tattoo and claim that it didn’t hurt…are either made of Styrofoam, or you border on S&M.

For those of you who have never experienced getting a tattoo, I want you to close your eyes and try to imagine someone taking a sewing needle that’s attached to a jack-hammer, and they’re slowly running it over your skin for 30 minutes to an hour.

Doesn’t that sound like something you’d much rather do than have a Swedish massage?

I’m sorry, tattoo lovers…BUT IT HURTS LIKE A FRIGGIN’ MOTHER!

Anyway, I graciously volunteered that my two friends go ahead of me, so I could see how they would react to the procedure. And like the two liar’s that they were…they kept telling me that it was completely painless, but their dilated pupils were a dead give-a-way. However, I was determined to go through with it.

The tattoo artists were a husband and wife team. I can’ t remember the man’s name, but the woman's name was Peaches. And for some stupid reason, I thought because she was a woman, and had such a sweet sounding name…that she would have a more gentler touch.

(god, am I naive)

A needle is a needle, no matter how you stick it.

As soon as she started, I thought, “HOLY SHIT…WHAT I HAVE I DONE?”

I was sweating so bad, that she had to wrap several paper towels under my armpit in order for her to hold on to my bicep. I actually jumped at one point and she said, “Keep moving honey, and you’ll have the shittiest tattoo I’ve ever done.”

ooops!

Once they start a tattoo, there‘s no turning back…so I bit my lip and tried to imagine morphine.

My only saving grace, was the fact that the tattoo image was small and had very little detail, so it only took 30 minutes.

(30...slow and agonizing minutes)

When she finally finished, I said, “You mean your done?…you’re really done???”

She said, “Yes…I’m done.”

I thought, “Good…now let me pay you for this self-inflicted torture, so I can get the hell home.”

And on the way out…she said something so completely insane.

“After everyone gets their first tattoo, they literally turn into an addict…so I know you’ll be back.”

“Yea, uh huh…I’ll see ya tomorrow, Peaches.”


Enjoy your weekend, everyone!

Weekend Movie Recommendation: Best in Show