A Seagull and the Staring Match


Whenever I see a flock of seagulls, I’m always reminded of that scene from the Alfred Hitchcock movie The Birds, when Tippi Hedren runs inside a phone booth, because she’s being attacked by a million seagulls, as they fly head-first into the glass trying to PECK her to death.

To be honest, I’ve never been particularly in love with seagulls.

And not only because of the movie, but also because I spent a lot of time at the beach when I lived in Florida and KNOW what it’s like to be attacked by those PECKERS the minute you open a bag of potato chips.

I swear to god…

…a seagull can be flying thirty thousand feet in the sky, yet the minute anyone on earth unwraps a candy bar, they come catapulting from of the ozone layer, like a kamikaze pilot.

And I LOVE the way they suddenly slam on their brakes and hover over you like a predatory helicopter.

Anyway…

Yesterday I took a nice long walk down to Penn’s Landing Seaport, which sits along the Delaware River.

From the Philadelphia side of the river, there’s a beautiful distant view of Camden, New Jersey. And I say DISTANT, because Camden is definitely a place that looks better from a FAR distance.

So I sat by the waters edge with a cup of Starbucks, a granola bar, and my portable CD player; enjoying a wonderfully cold, crisp day.

I had my head phones on and my eyes closed listening to a soothing CD and munching on my granola bar, when suddenly I sensed the presence of someone staring. And when I opened my eyes, not two feet from me perched on the guardrail…was a seagull staring straight at my mouth.

And do you know what I did?

I stared straight back at him, and with the power of my mind said, “Stare all you want VULTURE, because you’re NOT getting any!”

And do you know what he did?

He continued staring, as if he had every intention of trying to intimidate me with his eyes.

It became like a staring match.

As I continued eating my granola bar, I looked directly into his beady little spectacles.

And I knew it was pissing him off, because he started doing yoga exercises by stretching out one of his legs, while standing on the other foot.

And as I finished my granola bar, I licked my lips; making sure it looked like I had really enjoyed it.

Then I stood up, gathered my belongings and decided to take a walk.

And as I got about ten feet away, I turned around to see if he had flown away.

But he hadn’t.

He continued to stand there motionless; STARING at me.

And I could tell from the bitter look in his eyes…

…he would one day seek his evil revenge….


"The little son of a bitch!"









Please Note: If you're a Bette Midler fan like me, please visit her outrageous website...you'll love it!

28 comments

  1. I love, love Bette Midler! I was so sad when she had her television show and it was canceled. Love everything about her!!! I wish she would do a concert again VERY SOON!

    Yeah sorry about the seagulls but at least you have Bette!

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  2. Aw, leave my friends DaBirdies alone! Ya big bully! ;)

    I did...I did click on Bette Midler, but geez that site takes forever to load. I heard music though.
    Her sister used to have a tiny lingerie shop here. Gone several years ago.

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  3. I remember that film so well - it terrified me!

    I don't mind birds but not when there's a lot altogether and I certainly don't like them in the house!

    I remember one getting in the bedroom through an open window one time - I just shut the door and waited until MWM got home and asked him to get it out. By that time everything was covered in bird shit and we had to redecorate! :(

    Good for you staring that critter out!

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  4. Oh Ron, it's good to be back and reading you again. Such fun. And I can soooo relate. Dang, the Jersey shore we've been to many times and there are all over the place there too. Once a Gull removed a hotdog right from our friends hand. They are quite tenacious birds. LOL
    And you are right about Camden. It used to be, way way way back when, a very nice city but it got really bad over many years. I've been to the hospitals there, the courthouse for jury duty, and occasionally for one or two other reasons and you get the feel that it has the potential to be good again (like at the Aquarium and the Battleship) but it's also still very scary. Of course people are doing drugs in the expensive gated communities too but I guess seeing the poverty of a place like Camden is hard.

    I will go visit the Divine Miss M soon. And btw, I noticed Isaac on your sidebar the other day. Since you told me about him before I've been stopping by his page for a video blog fix now and then. He's wonderful too.
    Happy day. Happy week. Happy NEW YEAR my friend. :)

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  5. I don't like Seagulls, ONE BIT!! Ron, this might sound a bit mean... but it was YEARS ago when I was younger, ok.... I'm not like this now... We were having a picnic/bbq at the Cove in La Jolla and we kept being bothering by those pesky seaguls... Well, I got so fed up that I took a hot dog right off the grill and threw it up in the air to them... The bird that caught it squacked a lot and then dropped the hot dog to the ground--- must have been a really HOT hot dog.. We were all laughing... That'll teach those scavengers!!!
    Anyhow... I'm going back to read your post now as I stopped mid paragraph to comment!
    Hugs, Leesa
    P.S. We got a ton of snow today here -- very rare in our area....

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  6. haha... I read the rest!! hilarious! You bust me up every time!! I really thought you were going to end it by saying he flew away and left you with a little bit of his "presence/presents" while passing overhead.... Hehe!

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  7. Hellllooooo Domestic Diva!

    ALWAYS great seeing ya!

    And Happy New Year to you!!!

    OMG, me too...I LOVE BETTE MIDLER!!!

    Hey listen, if you go on her website, you'll find a link that will tell you about her concerts. I'm pretty sure she's only doing them in Vegas, but you never know when she might do a national tour?!?!?

    Her website is a HOOT!!!!

    Yes...and those DAMN seagulls!!!

    Yesterday when this was happening to me, I kept thinking "BLOG ABOUT THIS, RON!!"

    So at least they gave me something to blog about, right?

    Hope all is well for you and that you had a Happy Holiday, Diva!

    Thanks for stopping by!

    Have a great Monday!

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  8. Aloha Debi!

    Please know, my wonderful animal loving friend...

    ...that I would NEVER harm the birdies in any way, mind you...but I still can't help finding them annoying.

    It's sort of like how some people find squirrels annoying, yet I WORSHIP them and would LOVE to have one as a pet!!!!

    And yes...I know Bette Midlers website takes a bit to load, but it's well worth the wait. The graphic design is AWESOME. And the website looks just like her!!

    oooh...and that's right, Bette is from HAWAII!!! How cool is that??

    Thanks for dropping by, Deb!

    Happy Monday!

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  9. Good Morning Akelamalu!

    OMG...your comment about the bird getting in your house and redecorating made me HOWL!!

    And wasn't that film SCARY?????

    OMG, and you know me...I LOVE being SCARED!!!

    YES...that's how I feel about birds too. It's when there's a lot of them together that reminds me of BIRD ATTACK SQUAD!!!

    tee, hee!

    It's funny, because yesterday there weren't many seagulls flying about. Maybe it was the cold or something. There's usually a HERD of them down by the water.

    Always great seeing ya, dear lady!

    Thanks for stopping by and have a GREAT Monday!

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  10. Good Morning Crystal Chick!

    Thank you my friend!

    And it's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good to have you back blogging again. I've missed your communcation greatly! When I got your comment last week that you had gotten a new computer and were back online....I JUMPED UP AND DOWN!!!

    YAHOOO!

    And OMG about the seagull removing a HOT DOG from your friends hand!!! Holy shit...talk about aggressive little vultures!!!

    When I lived in Florida I spent a great many hours at the beach, so I know what you mean! Even if you take out a stick of chewing gum...they come flying over like a magnet!

    And yes...Camden is scary, but so is Philly in many parts, and like you shared...both places have such potential for being GREAT! I've only been to Camden a few times, however, I knew a couple who lived there and had a very nice home, but they said it all depended on the area you lived it. But that's true of many cities.

    Yes, if you feel like it and have some time, please visit Bette's website...it's OUTRAGEOUS!!

    oooh...and that's so great you visit Isaacs site and watch his video's. I still have dial-up internet service, so it's hard for me to watch videos. I've actually joined his blog and have left comments and he sometimes responds! He's such a WITTY and talented man!

    Thanks a bunch for stopping by today, M!

    I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE BACK!!!!

    Can't wait to see your photos!

    HAPPY MONDAY!

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  11. Bonjour Leesa!

    OMG...that's SO FUNNY!!!!

    But I TOTALLY understood your frustration, because I feel the same way about them. Like I shared with Deb...I would never harm any animal, but I can't help but find seagulls annoying as shit!

    (so that's probably WHY they've shit on me)

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    oooooh...and I'm SOOOOO jealous...SNOW!!!!! I bet it looks beautiful too! We've gotten VERY little here in Philly. It'll snow for 10 mins and then stop. I'm hoping we don't go a whole winter and get nothing, like the past two years. Last week the temperatures climbed into the 70's!!! I actually saw people in the streets with SHORTS on!

    OY VEY!

    Thanks for stopping by, Leesa!

    It's always a pleasure to share with you, my friend!

    Hope you're having a MARVI MONDAY!
    X

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  12. Bonjour again Leesa!

    NO..they didn't POOP on me this time...but they HAVE in the past!!

    "The little son of a bitches!!"

    Tee, hee!

    So glad you had a Monday giggle!

    Enjoy the rest of your day, Leesa!

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  13. Okay, okay....I'll visit Bette in a sec.

    Right now I gotta confess to being traumatized by the same stupid movie....with the same stupid niggling thought every time I see a seagull. Used to be all birdies until I started befriending the ones in the back yard--unless they don't flitter off when I'm feedin' 'em. Then it all rushes back and I'm warnin' 'em
    "Don't you EVEN be thinkin' about pecking my eyes out....." And I 'RAWR' at 'em.

    *nodding* It's been working so far. I still have both my eyes! :-)

    Oh....and I never, ever, EVER take food onto the beach for this very reason--but I gotta tell ya.....ANY sound of rustling paper gets the invasion of the seagulls.
    Just sayin'......

    *shudder*
    ACK!

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  14. Hiya Mel!

    OMG...you're HYSTERICAL!

    Isn't that movie the BEST scare? And even though it frightens me, I STILL watch the damn thing over and over!!

    And me to...

    ...it's really only certain birds that bother me. Seagulls and pigeons. I think it's because they're so invasive. I actually love the little birds you find in the backyard.

    But what's REALLY weird, is that my most favorite bird is the CROW. And they were ALSO in the movie The Birds. But there's something I find very sweet about them, not to mention...they're super intelligent too!

    And thank you SOOOOO much for informing me about the rustle of paper that attracts the seagulls, because I had no idea about that!? I thought it was more of something they SAW or could SMELL that attracted them.

    I'm so glad you're planning on visiting Bette's website, because I have a feeling you'll LOVE it. It's VERY funny and SO Bette! Hope you enjoy!

    Thanks oodles for dropping by, dear Mel!

    Hope you had GRANDE' Monday!

    XO

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  15. I don't really count seagulls as "birds"-- they're the cockroaches of the sky as lobsters are the cockroaches of the sea... YIIICCK!!! It's always seagulls who steal everyone's food... They have NO FEAR.. They will come right up close and nab it from you.... AND they take stuff away from pigeons and sparrows... PLUS, they go on school yards and spread meningitis with their droppings!!!-- maybe that's pigeon.. but could be seagull's ass well... I forget now...

    One time my friend and I were sitting under a tree eating lunch at the Cove in La Jolla... When we got up to leave she noticed this really GROSS green slime seagull diarrhea stuff in her hair and on the back of her shirt... It still makes me gag to think of it.. Never seen anything so gross as that... Seagulls are GROSS....
    P.S. Have you ever seen those B-horror films- the one with the snake SSSSSSSSSSSSSSS where the man turns into a snake (slowly), the one when ants attack, the one when bees attack, the ones when frogs attack? There have been sooo many of these kind of movies from the 50s??? or 60s, moreover...
    Hilarious to watch the special effects compared to nowadays...
    Snow update-- There's still snow everywhere at 2:40 am... I cannot sleep due to horrid post-nasal drip and a bad cough... That's why I'm still awake...
    Ciao... Leese

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  16. Good Evening Leesa!

    This is TOO funny, because I JUST finished sending you a response to your last email and saw that you had left a post here!!!

    "Cockroaches of the sky"...that's GREAT!! And so TRUE!

    SEE...that's the "thing" with both pigeons and seagulls...the freaking audacity they have about LANDING on you to get food! I've actually had them in the park, land on my shoulders when I'm feeding peanuts to the squirrels!

    And let's not EVEN talk about the POOP!

    It's EVERYWHERE in the city!

    SO GROSS!

    And yes...I have seen those B-movies you mentioned. I especially remember The Fly! The special effects they used were SO funny compared to what movies can do today!

    Glad to hear you still have SNOW!

    Send some MY way, ok?

    Sorry to hear about your post-nasal drip and cough. If you can get some eucalyptus essential oil at the store tomorrow, you'll find that it helps tremendously with stuff like that. It's GREAT to put a few drops on your pillow case at night before you sleep.

    Take care, Leesa!

    Ciao

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  17. I lived in the place where The Birds was filmed and I was so freaked out by it, I looked at every bird as a threat, because after all, they were just waiting, right? I know more people that are freaked out by birds because of that crazy movie....

    that sea gull doing yoga moves was hysterical...I really got a visual with that ...I can just see you doing this stare down with the bird and I bet anybody watching YOU, thought you would surely lose to the dumb gull...little did he know he was dealing with the gull god and he had finally met his match! grins... ;)

    love you ronnie....btw, I will pass that award on real soon..I'm always slow on those things...I actually hate passing them on because I never know WHO...geez, thanks ron, just what I need, more stress... winky...

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  18. Hey, one of the places I lived at while in California was only about thirty miles from the town of Bodega Bay. This is where the church is (among other spots)that was used in the movie. You can't drive by it without thinking about Hitchcock and those damn birds.

    Take care my friend.

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  19. Hellooooooo Linda!

    OH WOW! You actually LIVED where the movie was shot????

    How COOL!!!

    But I guess it would be kind of creepy, wouldn't it? I think if I lived there, I'd even be afraid of the sparrows!

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    But I still think it's totally awesome that you lived there! I loved the look of that little town.

    And OMG...I had to laugh at "yoga moves" he was doing, because it was actually very cute! But I could tell he was pissed!

    Tee, hee!

    And hey, listen...there's no rush about passing on the award. Take your time and do it whenever you feel like. Even if you want to pass it on to just a few people that's ok too. The rules say eight people, but hell...I've passed on awards before to less people myself. In fact, I've gotten some awards that I've NEVER passed on.

    *I'm so bad.

    Anyway....it's ALWAYS such a pleasure to talk with you, Linda!

    Thanks for dropping by!

    Hope you had a great day!
    X

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  20. Howdy Jeff!

    GREAT to see ya, bud!

    OMG...that's so ironic, because the person who left a comment before you (Linda) told me that she actually lived where the movie was shot!!!!

    * and don't mention this to anyone, but I think Linda's REAL name is Tippi Hedren!

    HAHAHAHAHA!

    Hey, and when I was searching the internet for a photo for this post...they had a million shots of the "church" you mentioned.

    And I bet it DID feel real creepy driving around there; anticipating a seagull SMASHING into your windshield!#!?&*!

    EEEEWWWWW...I felt chills just thinking about that!

    Thanks for stopping by, Jeff!

    Hope you had a GREAT weekend!

    Later gator!

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  21. I absolutely LOVE "The Birds!" I have a Barbie Tippie Hedren and a Madame Alexander Tippi. Both replete with green suit and BIRDS! I also love "Psycho" but that's another story.

    Bette Midler - To Die For! Absolutely Fabulous!

    Sea Gulls are brazen birds to say the least. Don't hold any food too far away from your body 'cause they'll come right in and snatch it! Nasty birds, to be sure.

    (I was in Goodwill the other day and found a brand-new "Good Luck" Troll doll. I had to buy it because I think it must be an omen!)

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  22. Hiya Nitebyrd!!!!

    OMG...I was TOTALLY thinking of YOU when I wrote this post, because I remembered the email you sent me with the photos of The Bird dolls you have!!!

    And I actually saw the one of Tippi Hedren in the green suit with birds all over her online, while I was googling a photo for this post!

    Oh that's right...I forgot about the Madame Alexander doll too!!!

    And being someone from Florida...I KNOW you KNOW what I'm talking about when it comes to those DAMN seagulls at the beach!!

    They're BEASTS!!

    Hey...and I hope you went to Bette's website and checked it out, because I just know you will FLIP over it!

    (I had a feeling you LOVED her like me)

    I actually saw her "Clams on a Half-Shell" concert while I was living in NYC in the 70's. It was BRILLIANT and BRASH!

    And BRAVA to you for finding that Good Luck troll! It IS an omen...because you're going to have a FABULOUS 2009..I just know it!

    Thanks for stopping by, Sis!

    You ROCK!

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  23. Hi Ron,
    Seagulls- my experience has always been in a rather mystical (didn't choose this) setting when I take pictures for example or go somewhere.
    Never had one bad experience with them nor have had them in real close danger of me.
    Pigeons however- WOW, in Paris they are absolutely our WORST NIGHTMARE. Seeing my bold print even alarms me so I'll stop on that. Those bastards have ruined many a perfect picnic lunch in a beautiful french garden with my son. Yes, we are talking pooping right into our ready to eat treats! Or how about a nice slideby on your head. Yes, we've been through it and it ain't pretty.
    Moving onto the part you'll love- Bette Midler.
    When I moved to Paris my first job was at a very famous place called the Hollywood Savoy. We were hired as singing waitresses. We had top notch talent and needed to be original. My set included versions of famous songs that I redid my way. "The Rose" over a years time went on to be recorded and is still part of my repetoire in certain sets! (I can email it if you send me your email address!)
    Always a pleasure Ron, you are one of a kind.
    Happy and Healthy New Year!
    BB

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  24. ronnie...like yeah what is it with those birds.

    Seagulls are pretty mean birds and vindictive. It took a lot from you not to give the granola bar up to him. They are the gangsters of the winged ones.

    You can hear them talk to each other. And moi being part gangsta. You know the Italian side of me, so I understand those birds and I studied them, which means I read Jonathon Livingston Seagull. hehehe.

    Like I know what will happen when you get to the coast.
    ******
    Yo...beebee see that guy below with the bag of donuts?

    Yeah yeah Charlie...you gonna bomb him the shits. Oh and he ain't wearing no hat either. Ha. Two granola bars says you miss.

    Funny you should mention granola bar...this here's the guy I told you a while back...that wouldn't give me his granola bar that he was eating. I tried to stare him down...but he refuse.

    I vowed to get him back...and here's my chance.

    Get ready to scram beebee!

    BOMBS-AWAY!

    AHA! Got him! Pay up...come on two granola bars.

    Crap! Um...two outta three, okay?

    My advise ronnie...stay inland as far in as you can. Or buy a shit load of hats.

    I shouldn't use that word huh? I meant a crap load of hats.

    Ciao ronnie baby. I hope you are smiling. :D

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  25. Bonjour Brigitte!

    OMG...your comment had me ROLLING ON THE FLOOR!!!

    That was HYTERICAL!!!

    I could actually SEE the experience with you and your son in the French garden!!!

    You are one FUNNY lady!!

    You should start a comedy blog!

    Hey...it's great to hear that you've not had one bad experience with seagulls and that they're actually mystical for you! That's exactly how I feel about CROWS!

    Hey...and you SING too??? Your job at the Hollywood Savoy sounded so cool! And yes...I'll stop by your blog either this evening or tomorrow and get your email, because I would LOVE to hear your recording!

    YOU GO GIRL!

    The more you and I talk, the more I see we have in common. Makeup artistry, entertainers,....and pigeons pooping on us!!

    HAHAHAHAHA!

    ALWAYS such a wonderful treat when you stop by Brigitte!

    Thanks!

    Happy and Healthy New Year to you too!

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  26. HOLY MOLY Miss Jones!!!

    I LOVE THE COMEDY SCENE YOU JUST WROTE!!!

    How the HELL do you come up with them so fast like that???

    GENIUS...that's what it is...PURE GENIUS!

    And could even hear your Italian mafia accent!

    applause...applause...applause!!!

    WOO...WOO...WOO!

    I know...I have terrible SEAGULL karma and I'm making it worse, by giving them a nasty attitude!

    PAYBACKS ARE THE PITTS!

    HAHAHAHAHA!

    Hey...and I like your idea about getting a shitload of hats! And PLEASE say shit anytime you want on this blog...my god, I DO!

    Thank you SOOOOOOOOO MOOCHO MUCH for stoppping by this evening, Miss Jones!

    You always add such PIZZAZZ to this blog!

    Hope you had a great day!

    Ciao bella
    X

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  27. Now that's called attitude Ron. No matter how tensed or confused you are from inside, be cool and stare back. For sure the one you stare at will get confused or tensed.

    You proved it applies to birds too. Way to go sir :)

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  28. Howdy Amit!

    I know...

    ...Sometimes you just gotta FLING that staring attitude back, ya know?

    HAHAHAHHAHA!

    Thanks for stopping by, buddy!

    Always so nice seeing ya here!

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