Monday, January 05, 2009

A Seagull and the Staring Match

Whenever I see a flock of seagulls, I’m always reminded of that scene from the Alfred Hitchcock movie The Birds, when Tippi Hedren runs inside a phone booth, because she’s being attacked by a million seagulls, as they fly head-first into the glass trying to PECK her to death.

To be honest, I’ve never been particularly in love with seagulls.

And not only because of the movie, but also because I spent a lot of time at the beach when I lived in Florida and KNOW what it’s like to be attacked by those PECKERS the minute you open a bag of potato chips.

I swear to god…

…a seagull can be flying thirty thousand feet in the sky, yet the minute anyone on earth unwraps a candy bar, they come catapulting from of the ozone layer, like a kamikaze pilot.

And I LOVE the way they suddenly slam on their brakes and hover over you like a predatory helicopter.

Anyway…

Yesterday I took a nice long walk down to Penn’s Landing Seaport, which sits along the Delaware River.

From the Philadelphia side of the river, there’s a beautiful distant view of Camden, New Jersey. And I say DISTANT, because Camden is definitely a place that looks better from a FAR distance.

So I sat by the waters edge with a cup of Starbucks, a granola bar, and my portable CD player; enjoying a wonderfully cold, crisp day.

I had my head phones on and my eyes closed listening to a soothing CD and munching on my granola bar, when suddenly I sensed the presence of someone staring. And when I opened my eyes, not two feet from me perched on the guardrail…was a seagull staring straight at my mouth.

And do you know what I did?

I stared straight back at him, and with the power of my mind said, “Stare all you want VULTURE, because you’re NOT getting any!”

And do you know what he did?

He continued staring, as if he had every intention of trying to intimidate me with his eyes.

It became like a staring match.

As I continued eating my granola bar, I looked directly into his beady little spectacles.

And I knew it was pissing him off, because he started doing yoga exercises by stretching out one of his legs, while standing on the other foot.

And as I finished my granola bar, I licked my lips; making sure it looked like I had really enjoyed it.

Then I stood up, gathered my belongings and decided to take a walk.

And as I got about ten feet away, I turned around to see if he had flown away.

But he hadn’t.

He continued to stand there motionless; STARING at me.

And I could tell from the bitter look in his eyes…

…he would one day seek his evil revenge….

"The little son of a bitch!"

Please Note: If you're a Bette Midler fan like me, please visit her outrageous website...you'll love it!