Wednesday, May 20, 2009

City Rush Hour Chaos

One of my favorite times of the day in a city is between 4 and 6 o'clock when all the office buildings empty out and total pandemonium breaks loose, as everyone is in a chaotic hurry to get back to their quiet split levels in the burbs.

I love the melody of bumper to bumper traffic moving down Broad and Market Streets; listening to car horns and tempers blaring. There's something so endearing about hearing the delicate dialogue between two car drivers in the City of Brotherly Love...

Scene: (two cars at an intersection after the light turns green)

Characters: (two men)

Honk!...Honk!...Honk!

"Hey...get your cheap piece of CAR SHIT out of my way!"

"Hey...fuck you, douche bag...EAT ME!"

"No thanks, dude...I don't eat ASSHOLES!"

"Yeah?...well then SUCK MY DICK!"

(can't you just feel the brotherly love?)

Another thing that's harmonious about rush hour madness is that everyone is either talking on a cell phone or text messaging, therefore, no one is paying any attention to anyone around them, so the sidewalk looks like one long pinball machine as pedestrians are literally bouncing off one another.

I actually saw a woman once, who was walking in front of me talking on her cell phone; completely oblivious. As she got to the street corner, she never checked to see if the light had turned green and just continued walking. I watched as a taxi cab SLAMMED on it's brakes; missing her by an inch.

(and she never even looked up)

But I think perhaps my favorite thing about his time of day, is when you add all the bicycle riders who are NEVER reprimanded by our city police for driving their two-wheelers on a sidewalk that's intended solely for pedestrians. Honestly, the pavement looks like a track for a dirt bike race, infused with frightened pedestrians who are trying to avoid death by a Schwinn.

I would also like to add that skateboards are also a part of the chaos. It's nothing to see a pack of skateboarders with their baggy pants hanging below their asses, weaving closely between elderly people using walkers. You have no idea how many times I've been tempted to reach out and grab one of them by an ear lobe as they skate by me and scream...

..."Didn't your parents ever teach you to respect the elderly?"

..."And didn't your parents ever teach you that exposing your ass crack like that makes you look like a PLUMBER???"