Gum Chewing.....Cow Style

One day last week while I was standing in line at Starbucks, I was suddenly reminded of why I should NEVER chew gum for the rest of my life.

Whenever I chew gum…I truly resemble a cow eating grass.

I mean is it humanly possible to chew gum with your mouth closed, not make noise, and blow bubbles?

Apparently, I can’t seem to do it.

All through the 90’s I was a big-time gum addict. I chewed so much, that it took less than 24 hours to go through one of those Plenti-Packs. I was forever putting a stick in my mouth, chewing it for twenty minutes, spitting it out, and then immediately tossing in another piece.

I was a chain-chewer.

And because I was chewing sugarless gum, I developed a sensitivity to artificial sweeteners, which caused me to have spontaneous intestinal irrigation.

Slowly, I weaned myself off gum and switched to a Cryst-O-Mint Lifesaver addiction.

Now occasionally, I will bum a stick from someone at work, but only when I don’t have a mint handy and my breath smells like a coffee roaster.

The woman who was standing behind me in Starbucks was chewing her gum in such a way that it made me want to turn around like a catholic school nun and RIP it out of her mouth; making her wear it on the tip of her nose for detention.

“Now…GO STAND IN THE CORNER, MISSY!

OMG…I thought I was going to go INSANE!

First of all, she was standing so close to my personal space, I could smell the flavor. And the NOISES that she was making would have tested the patience of Mahatma Gandhi.

She kept taking the gum; spreading it out over her tongue, sucking it IN as it SNAPPED!

Then spreading it out over her tongue again, blowing it OUT as it POPPED!

And in between doing this she kept CRACKING it with her teeth.

SNAP!…POP!…CRACK!

SNAP…POP!…CRACK!

SNAP…POP!…CRACK!

Over and over and over again…

I was getting so irritated that my legs started twitching, my shoulders began to hunch, and my eye balls started spinning around in my head like a slot machine.

As I slowly made my way to barista counter, her gum chewing got more and more rapid and increasingly louder, until her mouth produced what I can only describe as the finale in the 4th of July fireworks display…




God Bless America!

26 comments

  1. OMG...I can so picture this. Between gum chewers that sound like the Shuttle is taking off to whistlers that just don't stop and think they are doing Casey Kasem a favor by making it to #1 on the billboard charts it drives me nuts. Sometimes I so have to control myself so as not to snatch my whole fist our of their throat going for the gum or stuff and 20 lb watermelon down their throat...it scares me LOL. Excellent post

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  2. hahahah, something else that drives you insane....wow, ron, there is no end to what one could do to make you crazy!!! in reality, I agree with you and yet, if I am chewing the stuff, I sound like a small cow myself, chewing and stretching it just like her, hahah, how awful to think back on all my gum chewing victims-although I don't think I had a "habit"....did you chew gum instead of smoke or both? I thought that was what some did to quit so in that case, it would be a good thing perhaps.....

    anyway, the little picture is hysterical and so perfect....gum chewing can cause my colitis to flare up! did you know that? apparently you do if I understand your intestinal issue? ;) you are so funny and I AM FIRST THIS TIME!!!! I am usually 143rd!

    kisses to you, ronnie, I do regret I have been so tardy lately but my arthritis is making me crazier than I usually am anyway....bad thing...bad girl!
    xoxoxo

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  3. Gum chewing was never my deal.

    LOL I'm obnoxious enough without it. ;-)

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  4. OMG! I stopped chewing gum because I chew like a cow, too! I did go buy a package of Jumblo bubble gum the other day and I chewed it all in an hour. Chew it, spit it out, get a new gumball..

    Now it's just getting scary how alike we are!

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  5. Good Morning Linda!

    Yes...there seems to be no end to what makes me CRAZY!#?*!

    I'm insane!

    hahahahahaha!

    No...I actualy didn't start REALLY smoking until about 7 years ago. I only smoke in my home and in the evenings - never during the day while I'm at work. I know it bothers a lot of people so I won't smoke around them. I try to be considerate of non-smokers.

    And yes...the sugarless gum thing just TORN up my tummy. I really can't eat anything that has sugar substitutes in them.

    No worries, dear lady. I love whenever you come here and comment. No pressure...that's my motto.

    Hope you're feeling better. Sending "good energy" your way!

    Thanks for dropping by!

    Love ya!

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  6. Howdy Mel!

    Oh...you are not obnoxious.

    I AM!

    hahahahahaha!

    Happy Monday, Mel!

    Thanks for dropping by!

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  7. Hi Chrissy!

    OMG....GUM BALLS were my FAVS!

    When I was a kid, I couldn't walk by a gumball machine without begging my mother for a penny!

    I loved the little toy surprises that came with them.

    Funny....now a gumball cost 25 cents!

    (and NO surprise)

    Great seeing ya, TWIN!

    Thanks for stopping by!

    Mr. X-Chewer

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  8. Aloha Thom!

    OMG...Casey Kasem I could actaully HEAR his voice as you said it!

    (what ever happened to him?)

    Hey, now that it's summer and watermelon is in season...you just gave me a BRILLIANT idea!!!

    Thanks, bud!

    Always great seeing ya, Thom!

    Have an awesome day!

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  9. I used to love bubble gum when I was a little girl. In competition with my friends to see who could blow the biggest bubble and laughing so hard when someone's bubble popped and stuck all over their face! These days it makes my jaw ache so I don't bother with it. My mother always warned me "If you swallow that bubble gum you'll trump bubbles!" LOL

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  10. Hey Ron - Although not a serial gum chewer, I also find my tolerance to last about 20 minutes before needing to discard the then-flavorless piece of rubber in my gums. And chewing it with my mouth shut seems like an impossible dream.

    Moreover, I'm thoroughly fascinated that you only really started smoking seven years ago. Was there a discount on ashtrays at that time?

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  11. I used to love gum. Any kind... gum balls, bubble YUM, juicy fruit, etc. But I guess I just stopped chewing it. I have some juicy fruit in my purse from awhile ago but I'm not usually tempted to grab it. I think maybe it bothers my tummy sometimes too?? I loathe anything with an artificial sweetner so that's not it, but maybe it makes me hungry or something?

    People should be a little more aware of themselves when out in public. To be popping and chomping and blowing bubbles and clicking and chewing.... please... tone it down a few levels. Especially when soooo close to someone else. Sheesh.
    I might have had to dig thru my purse for a stick of that juicy fruit and offer it to a person like that, saying... 'sounds like you've sucked all the flavor out of your gum, here's a little more'.... LOL

    I heart those yummy cryst-o-mints!! Haven't had a roll in some time though. I'll have to look for them next time I'm at the store. Mmmmmm. Fresh cool breath and a little sugar rush at the same time. The little things in life are the best!

    HEY.... I don't see you over at FB so my newest news is.....

    It's a GIRL!!! Took my daughter for her ultrasound appt. this morning. It's still early so I'm not pretty pink dress shopping yet but in a couple months you know I'll be doing some serious shopping! :)

    Have a great week! Isn't today just glorious??!!

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  12. OMG....Akelamalu....you just brought back a FLOOD of memories for me!!!!

    BUBBLE BLOWING COMPETITIONS!!!

    And didn't you love when they would POP and the gum got stuck in your hair and then your mother used ICE CUBES to get it out!

    *and if that didn't work...she got out the SCISSOR!!!

    Oh NO!!!!

    Thanks for stopping by and sharing some BUBBLE GUM memories, M' dear!

    POP!

    Have a great day!

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  13. Hello Ron,
    I really feel for ya there...
    I don't chew gum or blow bubbles or chew any candy.Part of the reason why is because of a teacher who said to my class :

    "You sound like a herd of cows chewing their cud".

    So flattering yet so true That day almost all of us was chawing away !!
    The phrase stayed with me.

    Then, I have a "thing" about chewing gum- a jaw that clicks ( honest to goodness) with this chewing action, & it gets tired too.

    So, chewing gum is not for me :)

    You have a great Monday, and far from those bubble smacking & cracking peeps !!

    xxxx

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  14. Hey MVD!

    ....Was there a discount on ashtrays at that time?....

    OMG...you're a PISSER!

    It's rather strange my romance with smoking. By started I mean on a regular basis, because up until that time I only smoked occassionally (like maybe once or twice a week).

    But within the last 7 years, I've begun to smoke regularly (as in everyday). I smoke more when I'm on the computer than anytime else. I also enjoy a few while I'm watching a movie and sipping some wine.

    And what's really odd, is that during the day I don't even think about it. People always look at me like I'm some kind of freak when I tell them I smoke, because for some reason, I guess I don't look like a smoker.

    Honestly? I can take it or leave it. I think if I wanted to stop I could. But I REALLY enjoy it right now, so I guess I'll continue until the feeling moves me.

    (either that or when cigarettes go up to $10.00 a pack!)

    Shit...I remember being a kid, and going to the gas station for my mother and buying them for 35 cents!!!

    Such terrible INFLATION!

    ALWAYS great sharing with ya, MVD!

    Enjoy your day, bud!

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  15. Hey Crystal Chick!

    First of all...CONGRATS on finding out about the baby girl!!!!

    Woo! Woo! Woo!

    Oh boy, I bet your daughter is estatic!!! I bet the whole family is! OMG...a little girl to go with the little boy - how perfect. I bet you're going to have fun picking out clothes for her.

    (god, think of the fun you'll have putting lipstick and blush on her!)

    bwhahahahahahaha!

    Anyway, yes....the sound of loud gum chewing makes BONKERS, but hearing this girl only made me realize how obnoxious I must sound when I chew it.

    oooo...and Juicy Fruit!!! That use to be one of my favorite flavors. It's what all the baseball players supposedly chewed at the Wrigley Stadium!

    (I mean, not that I ever played baseball or anything)

    Thanks for stopping by, M!

    Yes, the weather IS glorious!

    June...and it's STILL cool!

    X

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  16. Bonjour Barbara!

    That's funny, because when I was looking for photos online for the first image, I saw several that had captions about a cow chewing their cud!

    In fact, I almost used one of them, but loved the bubble gum farm best.

    I always associate gum chewing with NUNS. It was like a MORTAL SIN that you took to hell!

    HA!

    Great seeing ya, my Philly friend!

    Give a hug to Didier!

    X

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  17. Can totally picture that. UGH!

    So many times I have wanted to beat down a person with a lead pipe a la Clue just for being obnoxious.

    One day when I have diplomatic immunity I will do just that. :)

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  18. Morning Roberto!

    I think my favorite part of your comment was....

    ....a lead pipe a la Clue....

    It's one of my favorite games!!!

    Colonial Mustard in the library with the pipe!

    And yea...I soooo agree!

    grrrrrrr!

    Thanks for stopping by, Roberto!

    Enjoy your day!

    Sincerely,
    Professor Plum

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  19. Ronnie: I feel you baby. realy I do, I would had done the same...the guy behind me at Buck's Burgers did the same. I decided to take the gum away from him in another way other than...snatching it out of his mouth...like sister mary Alice...(sign of the cross) May she restin peace used to do with such precision. They don't make nuns like that used to.

    Anyway, I had time in line and that irritationg noise...like I said I had time..i turn...coo'd like a dove and soon I had a hairfull of his hair intertwined in my fingers and in crushing french kiss. I stopped and turned back in line...he tapped me on the shoulder and said...um, You took my gum.

    hehehe.

    Okay that didn't happen but I would have done that..if he was a cutie pie. hehehe

    damn I could have bitch slapped him in back of the head like sister mary Alice used to...the gum goes flying out of their mouths. hehehe.

    take care ronnie... I think You and I should not ever get in line with gum chewers...god knows what we would do to them. :)

    Ciao honey.

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  20. Dearest Sister Mary Alice...

    bwhaahahahahahahhaha!

    Miss Jones...that was PRIMO!

    I should have done that to the girl standing behind me! However, I don't think I could have been as ARTISTIC as you in removing the gum with my tongue!

    Sweets, you're right...you and I should NEVER get in line behind a gum chewer. Think of the damage we could do!!!!

    Thanks for wonderful laugh!!!

    Hope all is going well for you.

    Sending good energy your way!

    Ciao bella
    X

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  21. Uh oh...wonder what idea that is LOL

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  22. Hey Thom....

    he-he-he!!!

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  23. Hahahahahaha!!
    Sometimes when I chew gum, my hubby says... "Shhhhhhhhhh, don't chew so loud." I also LOVEEEE to blow bubbles and pop my gum loudly-- even if it's only one stick of Orbit!!! hahahahhaha!
    I am really GLAD and RELIEVED to hear that there are others out there who say they chew like cows....
    Thanks for this funny post!! It made my day!!
    Have a great one.....

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  24. Bonjour Leesa!

    That's why I try not to chew gum too much, because I SOUND and LOOK like a COW!

    I work with a girl who is constantly chewing gum in front of customers, while she's CRACKING it and POPPING it in their faces!

    OY VEY!

    She sounds like a popcorn machine!

    HA!

    Thanks for stopping by, Leesa!

    Always a treat!

    X

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  25. I just found this blog as Im slowly going INSANE at work.
    There is a woman that sits next to me, and she is much higher up (just started)
    I have NEVER in my life seen someone do this. She chews I would easily say 20 pieces a day, if not way more. Whats worse is she chews a piece until it looses its jucy noise and then throws it away and starts eating another one. So every 10 min she throws one away and pops in a new one even louder then one before. I don't understand how no one has freaked out no her or even adressed the issue. It makes my skin crawl. I want to FREAK out on her but its a REALLY small company and I really like it. I can't even focus I get so angry listening to it. I'm trying to think of anyway I can stop her. I really want to scream.

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  26. Greetings Anonymous!

    OMG...your comment made me HOWL!!!

    Only because I could FEEL your pain at listening to this woman. That would drive me INSANE too!

    I too often wonder why stuff like that doesn't bother other people!?!

    Gosh, I don't know what to say except maybe you could try EAR PLUGS?!?!

    Anyway, good luck!

    Thanks again for stopping by!

    Enjoy your evening!

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